Hipster Islamists plant White Flags on Brooklyn Bridge

Art Jihad, underground Brooklyn hipster Islamists, takes credit for raising the white flag over Brooklyn Bridge

Art Jihad, underground Brooklyn hipster Islamists, takes credit for raising the white flag over Brooklyn Bridge

INTERNET — A Hipster Islamist “art terror” cell in Brooklyn took credit on Wednesday for raising bleached American flags over the Brooklyn Bridge. Art Jihad issued a statement saying, “The Caliphate [ISIS] is the only government with the sanction of Allah, and next time we won’t raise white flags — we’ll plant bombs.” Analysts say that the white flag is a direct reference to the black flag of ISIS, and to believers the terroristic art represents the inevitable victory of Sharia law over all of the world.

Most assumed the beards worn by Brooklyn Hipsters were only a fashion statement, but new evidence shows that there are in fact tens of thousands of converted Muslims among Brooklyn’s trendsetting youth. However, these hip young converts to Islam don’t ever talk about their religion publicly and only assemble for secret prayer under the cover of darkness.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, expert on Islamist terror, told reporters, “These hipster terror cells have been working away at Brooklyn for years, using hip magazines to build up a lot of sympathy for Muslims who have been depicted as unfair victims of American imperialist policy. Basically every man with a beard is a part of it, and they prefer the Islamic drug of choice, hashish, over alcohol, or the blood of Christ. At a glance, it is impossible to tell the difference between those who just think beards are cool and those who have been seduced by the black flag of ISIS, but if you see them at one of these nightly prayer gatherings or at a celebration on 9/11, then you know for sure you’ve got a Hipster terrorist on your hands. I think that almost all hipsters in Brooklyn are sympathetic to the terrorist cause.”

The Poor are Satan’s Army

Satan’s Army cannot pass through the pearly gates and into suburban heaven

“I’ve seen a lot of things in my life, but most of all I’ve seen short segments on television by fair and balanced news networks that have no vested political interests backing their reporting. I watch them every day, and because . . .

Snowden says “Don’t drink Pepsi”

Pepsi, Snowden, MH17 and the sanctions that will soon take away many Russian’s favorite drink

INTERNET — Friday, Edward Snowden unveiled that Pepsi executives bribed NSA overseers for information from several discount shopping card programs and facebook emotional manipulation experiments in order to convert Coke drinkers to Pepsi products. Snowden said, “This is . . .

Chronicle Editor Caught With Pants Down


Hatesec’s male gaze once reportedly ruptured a young girl’s hymen

ASPEN, Colo. – The 9-1-1 call came shortly after five AM.

A pleading voice whimpered into the line, “He’s got his pants down… he’s got a bottle of lotion… he’s… he’s… Hatesec?”

The woman on the other end . . .

Restraint! Israel Razes Gaza Death Camp

Israel backed by United States

Angstrom H. Truedaberg, the Chronicle’s resident schlemiel, said, “These folks are expressing their right to exist. Many-a-Mensch took to the streets on this July 4th. I’m proud to be a part of such a peaceful, compassionate movement like Liberal Zionism.” . . .

“Anti-rape Activist” accused of Rape

Cruisin by the River N you know I’m straight clownin On you fuckin bitches And on you fuckin hoes Step in the club And you know I’m chose

INTERNET — Deric Lostutter, also known as KYAnonymous (KY refers to Kentucky, Lostutter’s “Anonymous” home state), starred as hero of a “Strange Saga” featured in Rolling . . .

We come bearing gifts!

Mike Webert, Career Criminal

“We come bearing gifts!” the female announced, holding up a gift basket with a smile. “Well, hello!” replied the aide, taking the flowers and displaying them on her desk. “Please, come on in!” The group strode by as my reporter continued to wait. They disappeared into their mutual representative’s office and closed the door. . . .

Hackers turn out the lights at World Cup

Hate Security has ties to defunct terrorist group Rustle League and its official spokesperson, Jaime Cochran

INTERNET — A small group of elite hackers known as “Hate Security” cut off the light at Monday’s World Cup game between France and Nigeria for several seconds, as confused fans and players screamed in terror. Several . . .

Hobby Lobby web site taken down by Anonymous

Anonymous dusts off its most powerful hacking tool to take down Hobby Lobby

INTERNET — Monday morning, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled 5-4 that Hobby Lobby does not have to pay for any healthcare that involves the reproductive systems of women. Hacktivists at Anonymous, the decentralized collective and ensemble of . . .

Fleshlight Launchpad ushers in new sex craze

INTERNET — People have been fucking stuffed animals modified with fleshlights for years now, but until today the imaginary sex objects have remained totally inert. With the new Fleshlight Launchpad, you can easily fuck an assortment of apps available in the Apple store, from sensuous anime geishas to over-the-top tongue and tentacle monster simulations. The . . .