God damn internet

The internet has taken control of our long-range nuclear missile silos. Richmond, VA readies itself for mandatory evacuation. Prepare for chaos. . . .

President Obama dies at 48

Washington, DC – The 44th President of the United States of America died today from complications related to the Swine Flu. Barack Hussein Obama was 48 years old. . . .

Meet your new Elf Wax reporter!

The Elf Wax Times is proud to bring you fresh talent and new insight! Join us to learn more about your fearless new writer. . . .

I’d like to sext you up

There are little girls who trail behind mommy or daddy through Anytown, USA, staring down into their twiddling hands at what is without fail – and without question – a cell phone. . . .

Failing failures and the failure that fails them

The money you spend on tacos and Wal-Mart trash pays for genocide overseas. Your brain is committing suicide. You are generally worthless and we don’t like you reading Elf Wax. . . .

Local man defeats source of malevolent sugar cubes

In a defiant reprisal of his perfect role, digital-face man returns to fuck your brains out amid a hail of inbound sugar cubes. Metaphors abound! . . .

The Skeptical Redneck Wedding

Something’s wrong with Tom Arnold, as evidenced within (but not by) his HIT TV SHOW REDNECK WEDDING. . . .

Jesus resurrected for Nazi Zombies 2

As it was foretold in the final book of Daniel, Jesus Christ has once again arisen to appear in Treyarch’s Nazi Zombies! . . .

Everything must be this way

The jackals who come for me, believe in you too. I am coming. I am stalking. I am hungry. I will kill you for a meal. I will finish you. I am the new Fascist dictator. . . .

The End Times They Are A-Comin’

The world bank has collapsed and the Taliban hold your children hostage for ransom you don’t have. Chem-trails! . . .