Elf Wax columnist killed during protest rally

Elf Wax political columnist, campaign trail correspondent, and celebrated Communist Kirill Milosevic died violently Friday in a clash with police during a peace riot. . . .

Carl Sagan explains the cosmos

Carl Sagan shares words of wisdom with a world that has long since abandoned the spirit of intergalactic beauty. Smoke weed for this one. . . .

The Elf Wax Times Boasts Monumental Success

The Elf Wax Times has exploded onto your computer screen like a poorly-timed orgasm. Read more to find out how literal this disgusting metaphor really is! . . .

Neighborhood Puzzled By Shoe-Wearing Power Line

Witnesses have stated that the power line seems to be a size 11 wide. . . .

IMPORTANT SCIENTIFIC DEMONSTRATION RE: ALL DRUGS

A study conducted by the trustworthy United States Government reveals all drugs fuck you up equally, severely and permanently. . . .

Limp Bizkit Inducted Into Rock and Rock Hall of Shame

“I think it’s pretty [depletive exleted] obvious that this was our goal from day one when we started jamming on some George Michael tunes” said Fred Durst, frontman/only actual band member. . . .

Elf Wax Times announces anti-lesbian platform

The Elf Wax Times doesn’t hate lesbians, but statistics show that as the number of lesbians increase, the number of girls willing to fuck Elf Wax staff writers declines, threatening America’s freedom. . . .

Space station gets new “chill room”

The International Space Station has docked it’s latest module, complete with every modern convenience. . . .