Larry And His Flask

The Elf Wax Times got fucking wasted and saw a great show, vomited in an alleyway, then drove home to tell you about it. . . .

The Third World War on the Third World

NEW! MCMAFIA FROM MCDONALD’S, sold only in Italy. Read to find out what Sarah Palin’s hand has to say. Spoiler Alert: it’s not a handjob or else she wouldn’t have retarded children. . . .

Chris Crocker’s Internet Boyfriend Search

Elf Wax takes you on an inside look at a sad internet character’s contest and the sadder people who seek to be his boyfriend. . . .

Your Nervous System Does Not Belong To Rob Bell

Under this crook’s logic, if we allowed marijuana as a prescription drug, we might as well be selling it in schools to children. At that same time, where are his complaints about the prescriptions offered for the more dangerous, addictive Oxycontin in light of the risk that would end up in children’s hands . . .

Big Brother is watching you

FBI “head” Robert Mueller is requesting MOAR information from ISPs to aid in his quest for precious SAUCE or possibly get into human trafficking. . . .

Auto-tuned auto-tuning machine auto-tuned for the first time

T-Pain’s irresponsible use of what used to be known as “the Cher machine” has led to a breakdown of global economic politics hinging on the Panama Canal. . . .

Last Remains of Peace Scattered

Gandhi’s ashes have been swept into the sea. Now the rest of India and Pakistan prepare for the same immediate fate, as peace crumbles worldwide. . . .

Sarah Palin: Happy Marmot Day!

Sarah Palin is currently a bottomless source of hysteria on FOX News, but today her fucked up political career comes back to haunt her, for tomorrow is … Marmot Day! . . .