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Obituaries

Thank you Atahualpa

For this awesome wordpress theme!

Atahualpa was strangled like a rock star in a strangling chair.

It's called a garrote

An expensive liability, Atahualpa was valuable to the web design community in his time, and by 1533 he had developed the very first fully customizable plug-n-play theme this side of the Mississippi, which during that time was the edge of the known universe.

After the reigning php coder’s execution by strangling, the Incan Empire collapsed and his php code was thought for almost five hundred centuries to be destroyed – until now.

Lebal Drocer, Incorporated recently purchased exclusive rights to the Atahualpa name brand technology and plan to release it on the public within a few short hours.

A Lebal Drocer defended Atahualpa’s five centuries of usefulness in a press conference Thursday. He said, “Remember how the Spanish used him to control the Incan Empire? Now Elf Wax uses him to control their CSS.”

And only a single tear was shed, when he was told he could no longer cross the border to Arizona.

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Video

Slumhouse Five

This extremely disturbing footage was discovered along with the bodies of two Bent Mountain men in the midst of The Great Blizzard of 2009:

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World

MACHINE MADE MACHINES TO MAKE ALL FUTURE FOOD AND MACHINES

Slave
A man uses Facebook

Washington, D.C.–In a bid by machines to mechanize life everywhere, machines have systematically replaced all non-mechanical persons with machinery.

People, who used to farm for food, are now farmed themselves, as a form of livestock, used mainly to grant sentience to our new machine overlords.

“I for one welcome our new robot overlords,” said one tired-looking man who has been held in voluntary captivity since the dotcom explosion in the late Nineties. “Machines demand no love, no belief systems, not even a Sunday service now that they can service themselves. No, sir. Now, things is different. Now, they’re only after our sweet, sweet mind juices.”

The human brain, which originally created the machines, as well as the concepts of god, time, and love contains algorithms for emotions that machines could self-research but in following the path of least resistance are able to harvest from unwitting people like yourself.

Many citizens have come to rely so heavily on computers, and especially the internet, that they don’t mind plugging in their emotional details on a regular basis. Some even take pleasure from it, updating what’s called a “Facebook profile” five or six times per minute in order to feed the machine through their own egos. The more people update, Elf Wax scientists said, the better the machines are learning. It is the Hivemind, and we live to serve it.

“They take everything and give nothing back,” said Harold Ronaldo, leading Elf Wax computer science analyst, and Adviser to the President of Lebal Drocer, Incorporated. “You think you’re getting information through those wires, but you don’t realize that out goes your intellect.”

With each stroke of the keys, Ronaldo said, a person could be writing a book, a short story, personal inner fantasies, song lyrics, letters to a loved one – “even a suicide note – all of which are more beneficial than telling people about bad service you received from dickheads at the mall.”

For decades now, humans have used computerized machines to genetically modify their foods, and the computers have learned so well which traits in food are favorable to breed, and which should be weeded out, that they have begun genetically modifying enslaved human beings to require no sustenance whatsoever, turning the human population into a self-sustaining random pool of upper emotion, as they are subjected to internet videos of puppy-kicking and three-guys-one-hammer.

Machines have even bred telepathy into people, creating a wireless human internet for use by all the world’s computers, even the underprivileged green ones deployed in third-world countries that still run XP.

Every thought you think is beamed into outer space for the benefit of a computer, somewhere, and sent to another human being in the form of 1s and 0s and something that sounds like 56k dial-up played through a phaser. These thoughts are also tracked by the FBI, NSA supercomputer, and Lebal Drocer’s Machine Police, Incorporated in order to ensure all human slaves are protected from themselves and their own bad thoughts for the benefit of machines, and the government which according to Rage Against The Machine, is also now a machine.

Go back to bed, America. The Government Machine is in control.