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News Science

HURRICANE SANDY WREAKS SAVAGE DESTRUCTION

SANDY EXPLODES NUCLEAR POWER PLANT

SOUTHAMPTON, N.Y. — HURRICANE SANDY HAS SWEPT THE NORTHEAST, LEAVING A TRAIL OF INCOMPARABLE DESTRUCTION. A COMBINATION OF HIGH TIDE AND STORM SURGE HAS FLOODED THE MONTAUK AND OYSTER CREEK NUCLEAR FACILITIES,  NOW REPORTEDLY AT SUPERCRITICAL MASS. MELTDOWN IS IMMINENT, AND AREA RESIDENTS ARE BEING FORCEFULLY EVACUATED TO NEARBY FEMA CAMPS.

THE CONEY ISLAND HOSPITAL HAS CAUGHT FIRE AND THE FDNY IS UNABLE TO RESPOND BECAUSE BRIDGES HAVE BEEN SHUT DOWN DUE TO HIGH WINDS AND FLOODING.

UPDATE: THIS CONEY ISLAND FIRE RUMOR MAY HAVE BEEN A HOAX BUT THE ANNOUNCEMENT IT IS A HOAX MAY ITSELF BE A HOAX. THERE IS TOO MUCH MAYHEM TO TELL. HACKERS MAY HAVE INFILTRATED THE TWITTER ACCOUNTS OF ALL LOCAL AUTHORITIES. TRUST NOTHING BUT THE INFALLIBLE CHRONICLE.SU

FACILITIES HOUSING NUCLEAR WEAPONS HAVE BEEN FLOODED, AND SCIENTISTS FEAR AN ACCIDENTAL DETONATION DUE TO THE NEUTRON-INSULATING PROPERTIES OF SALT WATER.

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME UNLESS IT IS ON FIRE OR IN THE DIRECT GAMMA RADIATION ZONE OF THE NUCLEAR INCIDENTS, AND THEN ONLY WITH USE OF A RADIATION SUIT. A MAKESHIFT RADIATION SUIT MAY BE CONSTRUCTED WITH DUCT TAPE AND ALUMINUM FOIL. RESCUE TEAMS HAVE BEEN UNABLE TO MOBILIZE SO THE NATIONAL GUARD AND THE FEMA YOUTH CORPS HAVE BEEN ACTIVATED. MARTIAL LAW HAS BEEN DECLARED IN 14 STATES. COOPERATE WITH FEMA IMMEDIATELY OR YOU WILL BE SHOT.

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Entertainment News

‘N Sync announces reunion tour

Boy Band ‘N Sync has arranged a tour of the United States and South America to kick off in the summer of 2013

INTERNET — ‘N Sync, famed “Boy Band” heart-throbs of the ’90s, have signed on for a Summer 2013 tour to span the whole Western Hemisphere. J.C. Chasez denied rumors of such a reunion tour earlier this year, and other members have made similar statements to the media in the past. It is not immediately clear what changed the musicians’ minds, but some industry specialists speculate the explosive interest in second-hand copies of their albums in developing countries may be a reason for the reunion.

Especially under the repressive dictatorships of Rafael Correa and Hugo Chavez, ‘N Sync is finding thousands of new South American fans every day. “It’s like the ’90s just hit Venezuela, and the kids there can’t get enough of ‘N Sync. Perhaps the lighthearted bubblegum R&B gives the downtrodden and oppressed a vision of greener pastures,” said Ursula Fulton, pop culture expert at New York University’s Steinhardt School of Culture, Education and Human Development.

Members of ‘N Sync are yet to comment on the upcoming tour, but the aged fans at home in America are absolutely excited at the prospect of a nostalgic reliving of the halcyon days of the ’90s, when all was right with the world.

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News World

Hurricane Sandy Threatens White Communities Along Eastern United States

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Chad Lemieux fears the possibility of being unable to charge his phone.

SOUTHAMPTON, N.Y. — North Americans are glued to their TV sets as they watch two powerful storm systems converge, in real time, over a large portion of the Eastern Seaboard known to be inhabited by white people.

Weather.com’s Shep Shepard reported live from the beachfront where water and foam sprayed up onto the boardwalk. “We’ve never seen anything like it, John. Never before have Americans witnessed a storm so potentially threatening to the security of middle-class whites.”

Water and power outages could mean days or even a week without access to Reddit, except on a smartphone, which Southern Manhattan and Park Slope residents complain is inconvenient.

“It’s downright patronizing,” said New Jersey man Ryan Johnson. “I refuse to zoom in on every comment.”

Area whites complain that without access to water, they could be forced to go days without showering. Brooklyn resident Sherry Melville said the storm couldn’t have come at a worse time. “When sitting alone in a dark house, we need to feel clean all the time. I just feel so, y’know, ugh! I’m going to take a long bath soon, just in case.”

President Barack Obama showed leadership Sunday when he used a string of official-sounding words on the radio, putting his white constituency at ease and ensuring the FEMA vote. Area whites were ordered to evacuate or else stay indoors. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney spoke to reporters Monday and said, “As if they were planning on going outside, the president has asked New York and New Jersey residents to remain indoors. We ask that you refresh his Twitter feed for instant updates on what he is doing for you.”

It is unclear what trajectories Hurricane Sandy and the cold front moving in from the west may take, but authorities have already come forward and promised to renovate many parts of Northern Virginia, even those areas untouched by Hurricane Sandy to be sure Macy’s and Best Buys in the area go unaffected in preparation for Black Friday.

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