TRIMMING ALL YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE’S LOOSE ENDS: The Spy Tech Polonium Neutralization Set™

LANGLEY, VA. — Little bras and bra-lets are, like, psyched about the birth of the little God dude. In response Lebal Drocer and Tyco corporate representatives are proud to announce the 20th anniversary of Spy Tech toys with the addition of the Polonium Neutralization Set™, perfect for trimming all the loose ends . . .

Schools are the reason for school shootings

What’s causing all these school shootings? Guns? Not enough guns? The News Media and easy infamy? Violent video games? Violent movies? Lack of mental health care? Lack of religion, culture, and community?

Nope.

The reason for the school shooting epidemic should be obvious:

The schools.

They’re prisons.

Remember finding yourself all of the sudden . . .

“Operation Vigilant” drone program to police American schools

“Project Guardian” missile-laden drones to protect schools from spree killers.

WASHINGTON–Friday morning, President Obama held a press conference at the White House and declared a “war on school shootings,” naming former CIA director David Petraeus his administration’s “School Shooting Czar.” Rather than placing armed guards in schools, Petraeus unveiled a plan that will employ . . .

The Hyper Social Revolutionary Network Has Risen

Mob rule is everything in the Hyper Revolutionary Social Networking device.

This message comes from the Public Relations desk of your very own chronicle.su:

While on its way to chronicle.su’s chief war correspondent Viet Zam, a message from Lillian King was intercepted early October, establishing a multi-tiered dialog around the coming “Social Network Revolution.” After . . .

The Bozo Cult Arrived in 1998

DETROIT–In 1998, the Insane Clown Posse sold over 1 million albums and the world did not come to an end, but rather passed an inflection point. As foretold innacuratley by the Book of the SubGenius (forget the church–it is a scam like all other churches), this was, in the exaggerated Mayan Apocalypse sense, just the . . .

Westboro Baptist poses as Anonymous, publishes their own d0x

INTERNET–The perennially fag-obsessed Westboro Baptists have, once again, posed as members of Anonymous–this time releasing their own personal information. While the media sings praise for the vigilante work of Anonymous, Fred Phelps sips bourbon. The stock of his church has gone up, yet again, as the media transfers their attention from the recent school shooting . . .

Paul McCartney to tour with Nirvana

Kurt Cobain Lives!

NEW YORK–Wednesday Paul McCartney and Nirvana announced upcoming tour dates at the 12-12-12 benefit concert for victims of the oncoming Mayan Apocalypse. McCartney, who is rumored to have died in 1968, peeled off a mask to reveal he is an older version of Kurt Cobain. Angstrom H. Troubador, theoretical physicist, . . .

Don’t ever eat at Taco Bell

The newly rebuilt combination Taco Bell and Pizza Hut in Southwest Roanoke has all the modern decor you’d expect from the latest wave in fast food interior design.

Fox News blared from the flatscreen as Bill O’Reilly’s visage reflected off the shining simulacra. Stunned and immersed by this Disneyland fantasy, I could hardly . . .

Gmail taken down by Anonymous

INTERNET–Monday, Google’s popular Gmail e-mailing and chat service was taken down for several hours by the Anarchist Hacking Collective known as Anonymous. Barrett Brown, former spokesperson for the group, retweeted the information necessary to knock Gmail offline and has been detained by Federal Prosecutors.

Anonymous immediately denied responsibility for the attack on Gmail before . . .

Julian Assange’s Spurned Lover Reveals Secret Affair Inside Ecuadorean Embassy

Assange has slowly lost grip on reality from the confines of the Ecuadorean Embassy in London.

“I was like a personal sex slave.”

LONDON–Julian Assange’s former personal assistant, now also a spurned lover, gave the Internet Chronicle exclusive details of her sordid affair with the Wikileaks spokesperson–all of which took place within the . . .