Categories
News

HANDSOME GODLIKE KILLER ENJOYS POST-SHOOTING FAME

Mobile Student Becomes Godlike Killer In The Pages Of History
Grady Pines student Jonathan Lupton becomes Godlike Killer in the pages of history

Stealing Hearts, Absorbing Souls

MOBILE, Ala. — At least 32 students were killed and 21 injured at Grady Pines High School in one brave student’s glorious quest for power.

Jonathan Lupton, 16, said he achieved post-human omnipotence following his legendary rampage.

“I breathed in their power, one by one as I absorbed their pure white souls,” Jonathan said as authorities stuffed him into an armored van.

There are still questions among the mass media circling Grady Pines High School, such as “What books does he read? What were his favorite movies? What videogames did he play? Where did he get the idea?” — all things which can be gleaned from Lupton’s myspace but until recently were ignored by the victims.

Lupton encouraged herds of new followers to keep up with his blog, str8shooter.tumblr.com and minute-to-minute (anti)social updates on Twitter.

CNN, CNBC, MSNBC, FOX News and RT are awash with features probing Jonathan’s home life, motives, attitudes, values, web search history, sports, hobbies and cryptic Facebook profile. With his face on every channel, #WWJD is trending on Twitter as the YOLO generation asks itself the question on the tip of everyone’s tongue: What Would Jonathan Do?

Before dying, Alina Sexton, a supple 15-year-old blonde, withdrew a T-Mobile 4g smartphone with unlimited anytime minutes and data, and posted pictures of the aftermath to Instagram with the caption, “lyke dis if u cry evrytiem :'(“

Other students used a popular image relay software called Pictochat to share alternate angles of Mobile’s newest celebrity.

Dreamy photographs of Jonathan surfaced, depicting a chiseled jaw line and dark, handsome frame as he stalked over the fallen husks of the weak. His thin-lipped smile is a mouth-watering temptation for swathes of Mobile area daughters just asking to be victimized.

Tomorrow’s Hero, Today

“He’s a role model for all future school shooters,” said Mobile Chief of Police Dick Vanderslaugh. “Little Jonathan raised the bar today.”

[pullquote]”Little Jonathan raised the bar today.”

Police Chief Dick Vanderslaugh[/pullquote]

Legislators have already stepped forward with pre-written laws to demonstrate what an impact driven young people can have on American life, if they could just set their minds to it.

Alabama State Rep. Blaze Hayden, D-Ala., said his team of lawyers have written what they call Lupton’s Law, named after the shooter, to restrict sales of a third gun attachment. “The law must adapt to our changing youth,” Hayden said.

“Kids these days are more accurate than when we were kids, shooting up schools,” he added. “We owe it to today’s youth to present them with a challenge. Just think — if we took off laser sights — what tomorrow’s youth could achieve. Kids these days can’t hardly line up a red dot, much less squint down over the iron sights.”

Latest reports indicate Jonathan has begun work on an inner lair — and has sunk into a nest in his jail cell — in anticipation of a Charles Manson-like existence.

Categories
News

Mind-control Occultist Aaron Bale ‘takes over’ Anonymous

EDITOR’S NOTE: The intention of this article is not to deny any member of ‘Anonymous’ his or her right to anonymity, but to tell the story of one very active member who continuously self-promotes.

The strange story of Aaron Remington K. Bale, known to many on Twitter as ‘Anonforecast’, perhaps began with a traumatic brain injury suffered in a severe Jeep accident while at the University of Louisville. Bale may have once possessed a fine mind, as evidenced by his claim of a near-perfect score on the SATs. Bale shared pictures of this former life in which he was both sociable and even popular. Since then, Bale awarded himself the “Anonymous Medal of Honor,” specifically for failing to remain Anonymous. As he wrote on his resume, “I survived an entire year in Anonymous fully doxxed (dox.AaronBale.com) without getting Attacked.” However, within those very ‘dox’, he also stated that other malicious attempts to dox him were merely attacks containing false information. Not only that, but Bale assumed extravagant and absurd titles such as “Previous Founder and Intellectual Property Representative for Anonymous Joint-Operations TrapWire, Darknet, Payback and Blackout-SOPA/NDAA.” Among his colleagues, Bale listed Wikipedia co-founder Jimmy Wales, Google CEO Eric Schmidt, Anonymous scholar Gabriella Coleman, writer Quinn Norton, reporter Amber Lyon, Arizona Senator John McCain, and many others he has certainly never contacted, let alone collaborated with.

Bale, much like Barrett Brown, worked with Anonymous without anonymity or any discernible technological talents. I first became aware of Bale while monitoring Barrett Brown’s video chat room, a place full of ‘Anonymous’ neophytes posturing to replace the “leader” Barrett Brown, who had been recently arrested for threats he made on YouTube directed at the children of a mysterious “Agent Smith.” Bale appeared in this chat room nightly, donning the iconic Guy Fawkes mask when it suited him and going without when it didn’t. Like most of the denizens of this chat room, he spoke of things that made little sense and was easily shaken by a group of trolls who discovered the recently arrested Barrett Brown’s hive of idiot wannabes.

It occurred to me, on investigating Mr. Bale for the first time, that his entire persona could be an elaborate joke and a put-on, as some of the materials he has produced are genuinely funny. On the internet, it’s often hard to tell:

“Lamar Smith was the 3rd Horseman of the Apocalypse, SOPA was his Horse. UNITU is the 4th, and November 5th Ratification of #OpVote (Untitled2269) is the only thing on earth that can stop an Eternity of Hell-on-Earth that follows this upcoming Final World War. I see enough strongly correlated support from the Milgram Corrolary, our Founding Fathers and the Beatitudes of OccupyJesus, to tell you that Anonymous came to deliver you form Cyber-Armageddon.” ~ Aaron Bale

‘Forecast’, as Bale is often called, recently spoke on The MIXX talk radio about #OpLastResort, an ‘Anonymous’ operation responding to the death of Aaron Swartz. Forecast’s appearance on this show was publicized by @YourAnonNews, the largest Anonymous-branded Twitter account at over half a million followers. Bale earnestly explained to the audience that he and his collaborators created the groundswell of opposition to SOPA by attaching relevant information to Justin Bieber hashtags. This is not too far from the narrative that opposition to SOPA was an organic, grassroots reaction to bad legislation, as many activists believe. This popular narrative ignores executive decisions at Google, Reddit, and Wikipedia–three of the internet’s most trafficked sites–to place a scare-message warning people of the dangers of SOPA. The SOPA blackout, indeed, was successful mostly because of powerful executives who felt their profits threatened. Most do not accept this particularly sensible narrative, instead believing “the people” rose up to stop evil. It is only slightly more ridiculous to believe “the people” surfing Justin Bieber hashtags made all the difference. Shaken, Forecast repeatedly mentioned that he would likely be the next internet activist to get “Swartzed” or “Barrett Browned.”

The premise of #OpLastResort made about as much sense as the story of how Aaron Bale and his team of Bieber-taggers defeated SOPA. By releasing encrypted files of supposedly damning evidence against the government, ridiculously dubbed “Whistleblowing Warheads,” Bale and his colleagues hoped to ransom a rapid change in legislation. Should Bale find himself “Swartzed,” the encryption key to these “warheads” would be automatically released. The changes #OpLastResort demanded, although poorly stated, were actually fairly sensible considering the mistreatment of Aaron Swartz.

[1] There must be reform of outdated and poorly-envisioned legislation, written to be so broadly applied as to make a felony crime out of violation of terms of service, creating in effect vast swathes of crimes, and allowing for selective punishment.
[2] There must be reform of mandatory minimum sentencing.
[3] There must be a return to proportionality of punishment with respect to actual harm caused, and consideration of motive and mens rea.
[4] The inalienable right to a presumption of innocence and the recourse to trial and possibility of exoneration must be returned to its sacred status, and not gambled away by pre-trial bargaining in the face of overwhelming sentences, unaffordable justice and disfavorable odds.
[5] Laws must be upheld unselectively, and not used as a weapon of government to make examples of those it deems threatening to its power.

As “Outside,” by 90’s alternative rocker Staind, provided bumper music, I began to reconsider the possibility that ‘Forecast’ was all a bad joke. Why would hackers at Anonymous release encrypted versions of documents that were so damning the government would cave to demands? How could Anonymous possibly withhold data on their arch-nemesis? Should the government issue a statement accepting the demands of Anonymous and quickly attempt to meet them, an impossible feat within the narrow window of Anonymous’  attention span, what incentive would Anonymous have to retain the documents? It was the kind of scheme only a person with Traumatic Brain Injury could cook up. The bad music was over, and Bale pontificated about fulfilling his role as spokesperson for Anonymous, but I’d had enough.

In essence, #OpLastResort was like saying, “I’m distributing a secret weapon that will totally destroy you, my worst enemy, but I’m not going to show it to anyone, and I’ll only refrain from destroying you if you just do what I say.” This might be laughable if it wasn’t so serious. #OpLastResort went viral this weekend, generating news headlines and earning a front page spot on YouTube by Monday. It seemed so obvious that the “Whistleblowing Warheads” were a bluff designed to draw attention to demands that weren’t expected to be met.

Empty, non-violent, and terroristic threats are still terroristic threats, yet Aaron Bale has gone out of his way to make sure he has not retained a shred of anonymity, a strategic move that may not play out so well in coming weeks. Should the lizard-people decide to target Bale, they will find a long list of his current medications published at cage.aaronbale.com, a subsection of his site where he details “BrainCage,” a debilitating syndrome in which the sufferer needs constant care or prompting from a “brain orthotic,” a device invented by Bale.

tinfoil

Categories
Politics

A State Secretary’s Big Day on Capitol Hill

Hillary Clinton
Hillary Clinton gnashes her teeth to exhibit dominance.

RICHMOND, Va.– Secretary of State Hillary Clinton stood to testify in front of the Senate Wednesday about the events that took place during the attack on the Benghazi Consolate, September 11, 2012, now widely understood not to have been sparked by “The Innocence of Muslims.” Sec. Clinton was met by the Senate Foreign Relations Committee with accolades for her valiant efforts at State and traveling the world for “more than 1 million miles” on the taxpayers’ dime. She accepted these comments graciously and, as she took a seat, touched herself with pleasure.

Opening remarks by the secretary began with her listing those lost during this tragic attack, followed by generously offering an explanation as to what was learned and what steps the department will take to prevent further deaths like those in Benghazi. As expected, these new precautions were shrouded in the usual, deluded double talk that makes Sec. Clinton better than average Americans. To everyone’s immediate satisfaction, Clinton began recounting the events of September 11th, which she explained through concise and indistinguishable details.

The Secretary’s account was standard fare for the Senate’s consumption, as she proceeded to tell the committee that she “stood with President Obama as he spoke of ‘an act of terror.'” To the Senate majority’s delight, where there should have been mention or question of the film “Innocence of Muslims” that the secretary and Ambassador to the United Nations Susan Rice blamed for fueling the attack in Benghazi, there were only small gasps and muffled syllables as many Senate members were gagged and bound.

Keeping a safe distance from the truth, the purpose of the hearing was again roundly avoided when Secretary Clinton began to weep recalling her embarrassing loss of the Democratic nomination in 2008. Inside sources say Clinton then “also appeared somewhat upset” when she spoke of her touching encounters with family members of those lost at the Benghazi consolate who were not operating some kind of illicit CIA safe house/extrajudicial detainment center.

“It was a deeply moving sight to see. Never have I seen anyone so passionate for their lost dog,” Vice President Joe Biden later commented.

[pullquote]Never have I seen anyone so passionate for their lost dog.

Joe Biden[/pullquote]

Sec. Clinton brought her statements to a close, thanking the Senate for their time and cooperation. Clinton emphasized the importance of working together and spending more money to “face increasingly complex threats” before the chair opened the floor for questions. At first there was silence, but it was quickly followed by the rustle of committee members removing their pants in anticipation of the orgy that would follow the nonthreatening Q-and-A — calling the occasion “a job well done.”

Before a recess could be called a questionnaire by the Senate Foreign Relations Committee proved troublesome for Secretary Clinton, when one of the previously restrained minority senators struggled free his ball gag/gimp suit, which the Education Department had on-site as a demonstration of new Obama administration sex education standards. Senator Ron Johnson (R-WI), though disheveled, yellow and chaffed, had managed to stumble back to his seat by moving behind the wagons that encircled Sec. Clinton.

Before he was noticed, Sen. Johnson shouted across the assembly, “We were misled that there were protests, and that an assault sprang out of that. It could have been easily ascertained that was not the fact within the first couple days!” Sen. Johnson was quickly restrained by David Brock’s bodyguards before he breached the topic of the government possibly misleading the American people about Benghazi.

Secretary Clinton, recognizing the strategic opening for a rebuttal, stood up from her canine-like position in the room’s center and replied “What difference, at this point does it make?!

Rachel Maddow and Katrina van Heuvel, although strongly differing on issues like the death of Vince Foster and the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, issued a joint statement on MSNBC calling this the “best moment of Secretary Clinton’s career.”

The secretary’s responses during the Q-and-A inspired the committee to break into a standing ovation.

“What difference, at this point does it make?!” is expected to be the slogan for the Democratic Party, and possibly former first lady Hillary Clinton by January 2016.

At the end of the day CNBC quoted the secretary as saying, “This is a great day for Americans. Finally, we have philosophy that can universally absolve any great failure or problem.”

Campaign debts paid, and the slate wiped clean, advisers said Secretary Clinton is expected to meet with “Innocence of Muslims” Director Nakoula Nakoula in prison to thank him formally for taking the fall for Benghazi. Sources said Clinton sighed in relief: “We almost had to tell something closer to the truth.”