Patrick “Trick” Shouse hosts “$20 Tattoo Party”

familyfacts

ROANOKE, VA–Patrick “Trick” Shouse, the newest tattoo artist in Roanoke, is hosting a “Tattoo Marathon” at Ruxton Condos on Colonial Avenue this weekend in order to build up his portfolio and spread both AIDS and Hepatitis to as many local residents as possible. The event is advertised as tax and license free, which . . .

DOJ to Review World’s Largest Airline Merger, while on Hill Fare Increases Uncertain

Will the US Airways-American Airlines merger, yielding a super American, cost consumers more?

WASHINGTON — Consumer welfare in the balance, US Airways and American Airlines representatives faced a House Judicary subcommittee, as the Justice Department weighs a merger that would see the two airlines become the world’s largest. While consumer advocates warned . . .

Is Barack Hussein Obama Gay?

FABULOUS

WASHINGTON — Wednesday, secret documents unearthed from Andrew Breitbart’s trove of files on President Barack Hussein Obama detailed a long-term homosexual relationship between the president and one of his barely legal congressional pages.

Among the meticulously vetted documents, the president was caught writing, “I’m so sick of having sex with Michelle, and I’ve . . .

Artificial Familiarity

You’re starving, alone, and scandalously dressed like a Communist superhero, but do you eat off the tree of hegemony and find yourself trapped by its tendril-branches?

Familiarity is a result of sedimented experience which, when functioning properly, allows us to move through life almost without conscious thought. It’s easy to pay complete attention to . . .

Anonymous Smashes Bank of America contractor TEKSystems

Bank of America is Anonymous

INTERNET — Early Monday morning, the loosely knit collective of teenagers known as Anonymous was able to string together enough sentences to “kinda” make a press release for one of their greatest achievements since not hacking Stratfor: Releasing the data of Bank of America . . .

Is Quvenzhané Wallis a cunt? According to The Onion, YES!

Quvenzhané Wallis is a cunt.

INTERNET–Sunday, internet tabloid and subpar hoax-generating hate machine The Onion called 9 year old actress Quvenzhané Wallis a cunt in a tweet which was quickly deleted out of shame. Internet commentators did not mince their words over this controversial tweet, calling writers at The Onion ‘jackasses’, ‘morons’, ‘retards’, ‘niggers,’ . . .

IS KIM JONG-UN ILLUMINATI? YES. ALSO ANONYMOUS

KIM JONG UN’S REPTILIAN FOREHEAD DIMPLE INDICATES THIRD EYE ILLUMINATI CONNECTION CONFIRMED

PYONGYANG–New evidence links Kim Jong-Un with a cell of Anonymous North Korean hackers, reports The Hacker News. Kim Jong-Un was reportedly “d0xed” as a part of an effort to shut this cell down by social engineers who reportedly tricked Un . . .

SEN. WARREN: “Too Big to Fail has become Too Big for Trial”

WASHINGTON — Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) gesticulated to an applauding crowd as she asked bank regulators about the last time they have “taken the biggest financial institutions on Wall Street all the way to a trial.”

Comptroller Tom Curry replied that he had obtained a large number of consent orders and, when pressed, claimed . . .

U.N. surrenders to North Korea

Kim Jong-Un has been declared first Imperator of the UN

NEW YORK — Tuesday morning, U.N. members unanimously voted to surrender to the glorious might of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. South Korean capitalist pigs have transferred all sovereign power to the rightful and glorious ruler, Kim Jong-un. Jong-un was also named “Imperator” . . .

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: Former DEA Administrator Peter Bensinger

SOUTHAMPTON, N.Y. — In an exclusive interview with The Internet Chronicle, former DEA Administrator Peter Bensinger discussed the waning percentage of citizens using illegal drugs, his opinion on the relative harm posed by different drugs, and penalties imposed in December against British banking giant HSBC for its role in aiding Mexican drug cartels. Speaking via . . .