Kim Jong-Un has been declared first Imperator of the UN
NEW YORK — Tuesday morning, U.N. members unanimously voted to surrender to the glorious might of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. South Korean capitalist pigs have transferred all sovereign power to the rightful and glorious ruler, Kim Jong-un. Jong-un was also named “Imperator” of the United Nations, an executive position with far-reaching veto powers that may very well spell the end of nation-states and the beginning of one rightful world government seated in Pyongyang.
Recent glorious and successful nuclear tests have proven the Democratic Republic of Korea’s might in the face of hateful and hostile U.S. sanctions. Cowardly officials from the U.S. have agreed to disarm all nuclear weapons at the demand of the World Imperator Kim Jong-un, who has single-handedly heralded the final era of peace and wealth for all of mankind. The DPRK’s space program, which has been slandered and misrepresented by biased Western Media, dispatched a shuttle to the International Space Station and took its inhabitants prisoner.
All religions have been outlawed under the first UN executive order from Imperator Kim Jong-un, with the exception of secular worship of God-Kings descended from the lineage of Kim Il-Sung. No resistance has been offered to UN troops charged with installing images of the Kim family in mosques, churches, temples, and monasteries around the world. All Hail Kim Jong-un, Glorious World Imperator, God-King, and bringer of eternal peace and prosperity for all of humanity.
Anti-Defamation League National Director Abraham Foxman urged a More Civil Tone Friday with Certain Mideast Policy Proponents.
NEW YORK — Policymakers and the media are urged to refrain from articulating “Jwsh lbby” aloud, or with vowels.
Citing conspiracy theorists’ proclivity for deranged fantasies about a “Zionist Occupation Government,” Anti-Defamation League National Director Abraham Foxman said thousands of years of persecution – culminating in the Holocaust – add potential for Jews’ own references to the “lbby” to yield baseless accusations of self-hatred, he said, “and that would be gay.”
Foxman said his anti-hate speech group wants an international shift in tone. “The Jewish community,” said Mr. Foxman, “has for too long naively trusted humanity to responsibly articulate aloud the presence or actions of Washington-based policy advocates who advance the work of the whole and free state of Israel. Never again will we permit their work’s reputation to be sullied by the agents of hatred and bigotry.”
In a Friday afternoon press release Associated Press Deputy Standards Editor David Minthorn expressed “delight” to modify the Associated Press Stylebook to include a complying stipulation. The email advisory said Mr. Minthorn and his fellow editors were were still ironing out details but that new guidelines for reporting on Washington-based lobbyist groups would maximize clarity while respecting the religious and political convictions of all parties:
The Associated Press is committed to its wide, diverse readership. The full written articulation of the phrase previously represented by “Jwsh lbby” evoked multiple traumatic incidents: from Auschwitz’s gas chambers — burnt offerings so that the only possible Judaic sanctuary against an intolerant world could be born into it — to the possibility that the two words might be overheard out of context, whispered at a loud party, and presumed to represent the machinations of plotting genocidaires.
Following Senate Republicans’ blocking of defense secretary nominee Chuck Hagel Thursday, Mr. Foxman, a 72-year-old Soviet émigré, issued a follow-up plea to up the Anti-Defamation League’s statement last month criticizing Mr. Hagel for using the term “J***** l****.” On January 7 Mr. Foxman wrote that Mr. Hagel’s use of the slur was “hurtful to many in the Jewish Community.” In December the national director had written to Washington Post columnist Jennifer Rubin claiming that Mr. Hagel’s “record relating to Israel and the U.S.-Israel relationship is, at best, disturbing, and at worst, very troubling.”
Joining Mr. Foxman was William Kristol, Emergency Committee for Israel board member. Mr. Kristol said, “[W]hat [Chuck Hagel] said was extremely narrow-minded. Israel’s friends are not simply Jews but numerous Christian groups who believe in the necessity that the Jewish people return to and remain in Israel so that Jesus can return to earth, cleanse its surface of his unholy enemies, causing every single living Jew to worship the Christian deity. If he thinks worshiping Jesus is a practice representing those of the mainstream Jewish community, he is the wrong choice for Defense Department leadership and the wrong choice for America.” Mr. Kristol clarified that he himself does not worship Jesus, and that he is himself Jewish, but that Mr. Hagel’s comments made Israel look as though it were “alone in a sea of hate.”
An Israeli reporter on the call, Haaretz’s Chemi Shalev, pressed Mr. Foxman as to whether the term “*sr**l* l*bby,” written with vowels, would be acceptable under the ADL’s new guidelines. “Absolutely not,” replied Mr. Foxman, saying that he recognized a reasonable exception to that rule for the purposes of inquiring as to its appropriate sensitivity. He added that the “Israeli” term “implies that advocating for an Israel nation-state — made whole once more despite the anti-Semites’ occupying Gaza and West Bank — is somehow a foreign, and thus nefarious, interest.” ADL leadership say they anticipate that in time the original pronunciation of the ethnic slur used by Mr. Hagel will be as lost to memory as that of vernacular Latin.
Did Barrett Brown’s sexpot ex-girlfriend spy on him for defense contractors? Barrett Brown’s most dedicated groupies say “Yes!”
INTERNET — Former Barrett Brown groupies have turned on Brown’s sexpot ex-girlfriend, accusing her of collaborating in a plot by defense contractors to spy on Brown. @elviraxmontana, as Brown’s ex-girlfriend is known on Twitter, faced criticism from other groupies in the past for communicating with Adrian Lamo, the hacker blamed for turning in Bradley Manning, the disgruntled soldier who leaked infamous ‘Cablegate’ and ‘Collateral Murder’ data to WikiLeaks.
Instead of consenting to sexist pressure to identify herself with Brown and distance herself from Lamo, @elviraxmontana mocked groupies by “marrying” Lamo and blogging about the ensuing drama. An integral part of the plot to monitor, entrap, and possibly control Brown, according to groupie theorists, was the use of weaponized social media, or “persona management,” a sophisticated sock-puppet system likely controlled by @elviraxmontana, which was coincidentally the focus of Brown’s #OpMetalGear investigations.
Kinda Busy: Assange’s Awakening, @elviraxmontana’s Tumblr page, features sexy fan-fiction detailing homosexual fantasy trysts between Adrian Lamo and the ever-suspicious Julian Assange. Groupie theorists, or “Groupies,” as they prefer to be called, believe that this is a direct allegory for Brown and @elviraxmontana’s relationship, dismissing pro-Manning content on the blog as sarcastic humor.
@elviraxmontana has faced similar allegations since Brown’s arrest was broadcast live on Tinychat. Groupies claimed her calm response to the arrest, as well as her quick decision to end the broadcast, were both proof of her cooperation with law enforcement. She has since made statements critical of Brown’s decision to publicly threaten the children of an FBI agent. Rumors were spread by groupies that Brown and her broke up early this year, as Brown caught wind of her association with Adrian Lamo. Other Groupie theories put @elviraxmontana at the center of a plot to dose Brown with MKUltra drugs designed to drive him into the paranoid frenzy culminating in the threats toward children.
