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Al-Assad ‘Not So Stupid’ As To Use Chemical Weapons: Kurdish Leader

Obama Commands Missile Strike Anyway

Bashar al-Assad wishes people could afford shoes in order to know what it's like to walk a mile in his.

DAMASCUS, Syria – Syrian President Bashar al-Assad – in Iran right now, presumably waiting for his country to collapse – would not have been “so stupid” as to deploy chemical weapons near Damascus, said Saleh Muslim, head of the Kurdish Democratic Union Party (PYD).

Secretary of State John Kerry said Tuesday, “Anyone who can claim that an attack of this staggering scale could be contrived or fabricated needs to check their conscience and their own moral compass.”

The facts are that the United States has no proof, no need to attack, and certainly no need for advice on the direction of our moral compass from a career politician.

It has grown increasingly clear the chemical attack on rebels was a false-flag meant to trigger international outrage. Al Assad studied medicine in the West, surfs the Internet and knows a chemical weapons attack is the golden ticket to losing his seat in power. So why would he do it?

Chances are, Assad didn’t suddenly come to the realization that having all this power, wealth and fame totally sucks ass and decide to commit suicide. He’s already been briefed on hegemonic stability theory and patterns of conflict. So instead of using chemical weapons before now, he ordered regime forces to encircle the rebels before attacking so that none could retreat. This has caused rebel leaders to scurry like rats for the highest ground, beheading each other for control over shrinking turf.

So does Assad need gas attacks? Does he want them? All evidence suggests he’s been doing just fine up until now. Even the Taliban actively discourages its members from joining this Jihad, with recent historical knowledge to predict how U.S.-trained forces later serve U.S. hegemony and ultimate destruction. Eventually, some forces may, in the name of justice for humanitarian abuses, cultural decimation, or whatever, eventually attack the United States in a terrorist bombing, but that only serves to justify our continued actions.

Americans hold onto their butts in anticipation of Barack Hussein Obama’s husk of hope and change ordering military strikes on Syria, and Assad’s days are numbered as the world looks to Turkey and the confrontation makes its way, once again, to Putin’s doorstep.

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Glenn Greenwild admits to affair with Edward Snowden

Greenwild allegedly cheated on partner David Miranda while working with Snowden in Hong Kong
Greenwild allegedly cheated on partner David Miranda while working with Snowden in Hong Kong

HONG KONG — Witnesses tell the Internet Chronicle they saw Journalist Glenn Greenwild and Edward Snowden “drunk and making out” in public before police escorted the couple back to a hotel room. Recent reports show Greenwild’s boyfriend, David Miranda, was detained at the border in London while under pay of the Guardian for muling Snowden’s secret documents.

Internet Chronicle contacted Miranda, who fumed, “If it’s true he’s been banging Snowden and putting me in the crosshairs to keep the Snowden story going for a few more days then it’s over. I knew Glenn could be a dick, but this is just too much. We do not have an open relationship.”

Glenn Greenwild told Internet Chronicle reporters with his characteristic malice, “David and I have always had an open relationship, and if he doesn’t like it he can leave. I told him dating me has its negative consequences, and you wanna know the truth? Me and Edward have been sleeping together for a long time before Edward even worked at the NSA. I love Edward. He loves me, and that’s why he got a job at the NSA and gave me the files. If David really loved me, he’d be begging to mule more files, but no, he can’t get over his jealousy for Edward. It’s over”

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The Internet’s Top 10 Top 10

Nothing brings inordinate amount of Internet Traffic to amateurish writing like uselessly posturing pieces of art in pointless lists which imply one piece of art is better than another. 

1. Top 10 Most Gruesome Torture Methods (Cracked)

Yet another banal walk through torture methods that everyone already knows about somehow seems more interesting when juxtaposed with descending numbers. This is standard practice for Cracked, the site where humor writers go to die. Nowhere do they mention the greatest form of torture, electromagnetic neuromodulation. When neuromodulated, not only do you have no idea who is torturing you or why, but you can be made to sleep or blasted with extreme pain at any moment. Do you have Narcolepsy or Migraines, or is the Illuminati targeting you with neuromodulation? Hopefully they are, if you write this kind of swill for Cracked. Top Ten Lists on Cracked would top any list of Gruesome Torture Methods I could come up with.

2. Top 10 Top 10 Lists (TopTenz)

There are a legion of people who get off of work every night and find the most satisfying way to wind down is to read top ten lists, and of course they need a central location that arranges the top ten lists in a way that they can best access — Top Ten Top Ten Lists.

3. The Top Tens (TheTopTens)

The Top Tens is much like TopTenz only not as good. Hah! This is why Lists are Awesome. There are hundreds of these kinds of Top Ten aggregation web sites, but the ones that arrange Top Tens into Top Tens are by far the easiest to navigate.

4. Ten Bizarre Things You Can Get From a Vending Machine (ListVerse)

This is a great top ten list because it’s actually an advertisement for stupid business ideas which will fail miserably. This is posted on an old-style top ten aggregation web site, which means it doesn’t list all of its top tens in one centralized top ten list, even though the site contains nothing but top tens. Get with the times, ListVerse.

5. Time Magazine’s All-Time Best Lists (Time)

This isn’t a Top Ten, and it doesn’t even number the lists against each other, so the lists are not in any order I can get off on. However, there are hundreds of Lists, which proves that even legitimate magazines now have an office dedicated to cranking out enumerated lists. If only they would get with the times and enumerate their list of lists so I could finally decide which one is definitely the best.

6. Top 10 Interview Questions and Answers  (About.com)

There’s really nothing funny or entertaining about this list until you envision an employer who got all of his or her interview questions from an About.com Top Ten List and hired only people who also got their answers from the same About.com Top Ten List. That’s how excellent businesses like ListVerse and TopTenz got started.

7. The Top 10 Best Cities to Move to Today (The Onion)

A rollicking and hilarious ride through some of the fakest cities you’d never want to move to. Or, if you are fooled by the subtle satire, these actually seem like pretty nice places and you might be slightly disappointed to find out they aren’t real. Trolled once again by the Cyber-Bullies at The Onion.

8. The Ten Best Top-Ten Lists (Alternet)

The author of this article shares the same point of view as I do but then expresses it like a goody-two-shoes and tries to find Top-Ten lists that aren’t what I’m complaining about. A top ten list of lists that may actually be worth reading.

9. Ten Worst and Best Foods (Center For Science in the Public Interest)

This list doesn’t tell the poverty-stricken obese masses how to afford a diet of Wild Salmon and Unsweetened Greek Yogurt, but a Top Ten list is exactly the solution you’d expect from a bunch of namby pamby activists who believe in changing the world with stupid propaganda.

10. This List

That’s So Meta, Bro.