Month: September 2013

DAMASCUS — After President Obama put a hold on the impending Syrian invasion, Bashir al-Assad took time to speak with reporters about his use of chemical weapons. The reformer-turned-dictator said, “Yeah, I gassed a couple thousand people because they stood between me and military objectives which could secure my country and the freedom of my people. It was a tough call, but it saved the lives of millions of my soldiers.”

When asked whether Assad felt he had done the wrong thing by provoking a superpower, he responded, “Obama would do the same thing if he were me, and his country has repeatedly done much worse. We did not nuke an entire city like Hiroshima or Nagaskai, and we did not level a great cultural center like Dresden. America was the great terror of the last century, the one that was more fearsome and shocking than the holocaust of the Nazis. How else could they have defeated the Germans?”

Western journalists needled Assad further, asking him if he could envision a peaceful end to rising tensions in the region. Assad became frustrated, saying, “The world is barreling towards apocalyptic destruction and a few of my chemical weapons just won’t even come close to doing the job. American hydrogen bombs could destroy all of civilization ten times over, but who would invade them, stop them from using their weapons even on their own people? There is no future for humanity as long as humans maintain stockpiles of such destructive weapons, just as Carl Sagan believed. Humanity must either dismantle nuclear weapons or perish.”

Blowing the whistle on a corrupt facet of systems of power is not a new phenomenon, nor is it even an effective one at that(anymore, at least). However, whistleblowing is a dirty word and dirty words lead to dirty thoughts, which ultimately lend to dirty actions. Internet bloggers and experts of opinion tout whistleblowing heroes and heroines as a selling point for their upcoming pornographic novels. Your mind must be spinning now with thoughts of tentacle porn and whatever you saw on /b/ today, but I kid you not, true believers, the truth is far more perverted than the fiction.

The truth is that whistleblowing is quite sexy. Not only is the non-word phallic at its core, but anyone versed in the art of fellatio(giving or receiving, we are equal opportunity blowers) has their loins a stirrin’ for every new article that hits the presses about Barrett Brown et. al.

Brown is certainly an interesting example. A modern day cowboy(who, in truth, couldn’t tie his shoelaces, which is why he always wore boots) and heroin chic instigator brings all the boys and girls to the yard. While however inane his ramblings were, with an aesthetic like that, how could you not love his pseudo-reporting and pure, un-fucking-adulterated whistleblowing? How pure was it really though? All he did was comb through documents that were already public and kind of report on them… which makes him even more attractive, because, well I dunno, but such mystique!

The curiously tired case of Chelsea Manning has become even more of a perverted talking heads’ wet dream than anyone could have possibly imagined. Traversing the grounds from whistleblowing on atrocities in Iraq to Adrian Lamo whistleblowing on Chelsea, all the way to whether or not we will foot the bill for Manning’s transition. Good God, what a story! Don’t you just hate that whistleblowing Adrian Lamo? Did you hear he’s fucking Barrett Brown’s ex-girlfriend? She’s probably a bad whistleblower too, although we have no evidence of that, so who cares! She’s a total babe. Besides, now that Brown is bound and, mmMMm, gagged for being naughty little boy, she can do whatever she wants. Regardless, I’m just glad to people at 9gag FOIA’d those photo’s of Manning dressed as a woman and published them just to be sure.

Oh! Now we have our wannabe whistleblowers. The Glenn Greenwilds and Jacob Appelbaums of the world, with significant others in tow, making for possible juicy love triangles… or at the very least some trivial anecdotes about their lives to moisten our panties. What happens in Der Spiegel offices, stays in Der Spiegel offices.

I could rattle off a few more names for you to get your engine running, but what’s the point? Ok, fine: Aaron Swartz. Doesn’t that just feel grand? Yet none of this matter, because it’s Miley/pseudoevent Season and this article is just one of many dominoes that needs to drop for us all to collectively blow our loads.

I’m positive that the Great Aaron Bale aka AnonForecast will be the one to push us over precipice of orgasm with his fabled “whistleblowing warhead.” Mark my words, sports fans.

 

 

oh yeah, ed snowden.

Snowden is a government shill.

Snowden was a plant. The government was behind 9/11.