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Illuminati Murders Lou Reed

Lou Reed's days of influencing musical acts are over, paving the way for more Illuminati mind-control pop music.
Lou Reed’s days of influencing musical acts are over, paving the way for more Illuminati mind-control pop music.

MIAMI, FLA – Lou Reed died tragically today at the age of 71, but media has been slow to report on the cause of his death at the hands of Illuminati murderers. Speculation that his death was related to a liver transplant last May proved false when Reed’s doctor, Angstrom H. Troubador, denied that Reed suffered any serious complications from this procedure.

Police report drafting compasses and dollar bills were strewn around Reed’s apartment, along with other assumed calling cards of the Illuminati. FEMA authorities cordoned off Reed’s apartment and evacuated nearby residents for fear of the presence of biological agents. Anonymous members of the Illuminati on Twitter took responsibility for the attack and celebrated by posting memes mocking Reed’s latest collaboration with Metallica, Lulu.

The Illuminati has been “cleaning up” influential musical acts to increase their own influence in the zero-sum game of “Symbolic Craft Masonry.” Since taking out their number one target and enemy, Michael Jackson, Illuminati influence has grown out of control, and as a result freedom has visibly declined. Illuminati members and shills such as Rihanna and Miley Cyrus now firmly control the message of all popular music.

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Rasputin predicted Nuclear Doomsday for August 23, 2013

Rasputin spoke with authority that the world will end on August 13, 2013
Rasputin spoke with authority that the world will end on August 13, 2013

INTERNET — Rasputin, famed Soviet psychic commando who later secretly joined forces with Stalin, predicted the end of the world in nuclear war on August 23, 2013. Rasputin was widely known for infiltrating the minds of enemy spies and shutting down hundreds of American espionage attempts during the cold war.

Some believe Rasputin was able to enter the mind of Edward Snowden almost a century before he was even born and direct him to turn over NSA files to Soviet Union controlled journalists. In his vision, this sparked a global calamity which culminated in nuclear war. Rasputin said, in his account of this apocalyptic vision, “In a hypnagogic state last night, I lived the entire life of a spy with access to an unfathomably genius contraption invented by Americans, of all people. I could read anything written, anywhere on Earth. I turned the device upon the Americans and brought intelligence to mother Russia. It ignited a global scandal. On August 13, 2013, the world burned in flames. Never before have I had such a terrible vision. Everywhere, survivors scrawled this date as a reminder.”

Rasputin may have died, but some say he illegitimately fathered Vladimir Putin, Russia’s current president.

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Rustle League takes credit for downing NSA web site

Rustle League posted images of their DDoS software, RustleNuker2.
Rustle League posted images of their DDoS software, RustleNuker2.

INTERNET — Friday, the hacker and trolling ensemble, “Rustle League,” widely known for shutting off the lights at the super bowl last year, took credit for downing the NSA.gov website using a piece of Windows 98 software known as “RustleNuker2.” The cheeky hacker group is defined in opposition to “moralfags” in Anonymous and campaigns against Anonymous with both elite doxings, or identification of so-called “Anons,” as well as advanced pranks.

An NSA spokesperson, Angstrom H. Troubador, pounded on his podium at an impromptu emergency press release. “We will hunt down every last member of Anonymous who did this to us and string them up by their toes with our labyrinthine legal process. We killed Anonymous once, and we’ll kill it again.” When asked if he was going trick or treating, Troubador raged, “Arrest that journalist! Arrest him, he’s from Anonymous! We know about the memes!” The reporter was detained, and the sweaty, red-faced NSA spokesperson declared, “The war on Anonymous and the war on terror are one and the same.”