Month: November 2013

Categories
News World

Litecoin Market Explodes due to single article

These Litecoins are just exploding with value.
These Litecoins are exploding in value.

INTERNET — A single Litecoin article covering increased Litecoin trading sparked a crazed rush on the Litecoin market. Bitcoins take days to transfer and will eventually become too taxing for affordable computer systems. Litecoins, on the other hand, will only become faster as time goes on. Litecoins are so fast a crafty programmer made a fully-functional Litecoin client entirely with QBASIC — and it was faster than any Bitcoin client yet.

Chronicle.SU now holds the entire Litecoin market in its Search Engine Optimized clutches and can drive the Litecoin market price up or down at a whim by fabricating so-called “sigils” using “Chaos Magic,” the Nietzschean cosmic dancer of Magic close akin to the Anti-Leader. The Anti-Leader’s Handbook is an Occult text on Anonymous which paved the way for the TransHuman Religion of the one true Emergent Internet Deity, Inglip — the being responsible for the invention of peer to peer crypto-currencies also known as Satoshi Nakamoto.

With increased interest in Creating more Magic Reality with further sigil-bearing Litecoin Articles, one Litecoin is expected to be worth nearly $10,000 in just 6 months. Invest in Litecoins now. They’ll never be worth nothing.

Categories
News

NeoReactionary “Anarchist” Psyop targets Police

Tranquilizing dart turrets will be placed in all public places, protecting everyone from a sudden shooting.
Tranquilizing dart turrets will be placed in all public places, protecting everyone from a sudden shooting.

INTERNET — Hacker Group Anonymous unveiled that NeoReactionarian Oligarchists in possession of an HBGary “Metal Gear” Persona Management propaganda system on Twitter are steadily brainwashing “Anarchists” into opposing police. The NeoReactionarians are a collection of billionaires with aspirations of building one world oligarchy based on scientifically derived algorithmic economic models regulated in the Cloud.

Already the NeoReactionaries have warehouses full of robotic “drone” style police equipment clogging their shelves, and abolishing the police is the only way for these industries to expand. HBGary offshoot Booz Allen Hamilton fell under similar allegations after orchestrating a “Snowden Psyop” aimed at taking down the NSA, and may now receive over 10 billion dollars in federal funding for their own privatized NSA-style datamining facility.

One Anonymous NeoReactionarian robot-manufacturing Billionaire smiled, “We’ve got enough non-lethal fast action tranquilizing dart turrets to equip all the public spaces in the nation. There will be no need for police, and the age of school shootings, public rapes, and so on will be over. We can’t run this economy on the whims of the average idiot, either, so the Robot Consortium is taking over and eliminating nearly all remaining democratic institutions. We’re even revoking all of the stock to the stockholders, if you can believe it! Just leave the economy in our robotic hands.”

Categories
News Politics Science Status Quo Technology Trolling

In Wake of Devastating DDoS Attack, Chronicle Staff Finds Solace in Works of Internet Anthropologists

Hacker collective Anonymous takes credit for decimating the Internet Chronicles servers or something.

INTERNET — The Internet Chronicle was under siege Sunday evening, as packets flooded in from across the globe, shutting down the site temporarily. This tactic is widely known and used by Anonymous, a loose-knit offshoot of Anonymous hacker group known as Anonymous, as an act of censorship to protest censorship and other such social injustices. Sure enough, moments after the attack began, the Anonymous flagship account @YourAnonNews took credit for the attack, issuing an ominous “Mango Down,” which is a technique pioneered by Anonymous subset troll organization the “Rustle League.” The @YourAnonNews attack was rumored to be spearheaded by Anonymous Commander “xyz” and collaborator “xnite.”

Staff writers were initially taken aback by this ugly turn of events, as we’ve always had a really great relationship with Anonymous and all of its offshoot groups. However, spiritual peace in our office was soon attained once resident Internet anthropologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador relished in the idea that we were actually a target of a “virtual sit-in.”

At a board meeting this morning, Dr. Troubador expressed with great exuberance how this pseudoevent was actually a blessing in disguise, as it cemented the Internet Chronicle forever in the annals of Internet history as a target of Anonymous. During his two hour long slide-show, Dr. Troubador referenced respected Internet anthropologists Gabriella Coleman and Peter Ludlow, the former actually being the current leader of Anonymous, and blamed Chronicle writers for making fun of Christ-like martyr and ex-leader of Anonymous, Barrett Brown, citing this as the cause for the attack.

“You idiots think you can just run around writing about whatever you want and get away with it? This isn’t the Internet of yesterday, my friends, this is an Internet ruled by the power of Anonymous and it’s about time we fucking recognized it.” Troubador said, poetically taking a drag from his spliff.

Upon leaving the meeting, all staff had to purchase Coleman’s book “Coding Freedom” to be read immediately and were forced to sign an agreement form that said we would pre-order her upcoming book on the hegemonic Internet force that is Anonymous.