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Never ending Duck Dynasty comments drive man to shave beard in public

Bearded Men are complaining about getting too many "Duck Dynasty" comments in public.
Bearded Men are complaining about getting too many “Duck Dynasty” comments in public.

INTERNET — Increasingly, bearded men claim they have been “inundated” with comments about Duck Dynasty by self-proclaimed “clever” strangers in public.

“‘Oh I just love the Dynasty,’ the cashier told me. She said it slowly taking up lots of my time, as if I also loved the Dynasty, and I was offended. Just because I have a beard doesn’t mean I love Duck Dynasty. I wouldn’t know about it if I didn’t have a beard and sometimes I just feel like shaving it all off, just to get away from these Duck Dynasty comments,” said Jake Earl, 28 year old musician from Carlston, West Virginia. “But I can’t! I’ll lose all my ‘mountain’ cred and nobody will come to my bluegrass shows.”

Jake Earl found fame after a video of him shaving his beard in public went viral on YouTube.

Earl told our correspondent in Carlston, “I just felt this pressure building up, something like one of these mass shooters maybe,” Earl said, “I just couldn’t take the way I was being viewed by the world and everything just came crashing down on me. I felt a strong compulsion to cut it off in public, and I’m very sorry for throwing my hair at police officers.”

Authorities detained Earl but did not arrest him. Earl’s psychiatrist refused to give our reporters his diagnosis, but told us “Earl is feeling much better.”

Other local bearded men have stepped out of hiding to support Earl. Fred Dershowitz told reporters, “What Jake Earl did was heroic. I mean my beard is not even similar at all to Duck Dynasty. It’s cropped short! But still, every time I go to the grocery store, some slack-jawed idiot points at me and says ‘Duck dahnasty, yall! It’s a beard!’ and I felt the same urge Earl does. I think I’ll just shave mine off in public too.”

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NSA Today – the story of how the NSA is not that bad, except it really is, but that's OK too

NSA Today
Thoughtcrimes … Crimes, Before You Think Them!

INTERNET — Nobody seems to mind that there is a war on personal freedom taking place at their fingertips right now. Nobody cares about the police state. And while I admit I’m perfectly comfortable here in my hate hole, the proles are doing just fine under the watchful eye of the all-seeing NSA Octopus. And that is fucking weird.

The NSA wants to be the next FBI – hit men and everything. Think I’m wrong? Well, there’s a secret court called FISA who will back me up.

For decades, the NSA has been the silent, creepy uncle of US defense agencies. Since the Snowden leaks, however, that is all changing.

The NSA Today® has taken on a demeanor of brazen, Sabu-style recklessness. Official sources represent pre-determined attitudes of sheer spitefulness about their activity. Barack Hussein Obama only just yesterday responded to corporate shareholders’ complaints with a decision to allow tech conglomerates to make broad, generalized statements regarding the existence of NSA probing – but nothing specific about who is being watched, how much, or for how long or for what reason.

There is no proof NSA surveillance has successfully stopped a terrorist attack, and even if it did – would we really want it?

Political Scientist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour weighed in. Troubadour said one terrorist attack every 20 years is worse than being spied on.

“For the whole time perverted Uncle NSA has been browsing through your SMS dick pics,” Troubadour explained, “Al Qaeda has been on the run, afraid of the possibility their own dick pics could wind up in the hands of US Generals. The NSA is absolutely necessary if the United States is to continue existing tomorrow.”

Congressman Anthony Weiner said he is a testament to the discrediting power of dick pics, but dick pics themselves are not terrorism.

“That’s right,” Weiner said. “Not even uncircumcised ones are grounds to declare war.”

Dr. Troubadour said the NSA spies on the world because it loves you, and this is how adults show love.

“The NSA, even as a touchy, molesty sort of uncle figure, is good for America,” he said. “But just remember, this is our little secret, okay?”

Dr. Troubadour privately added that if you go tell on the NSA, nobody will believe you, and your parents will never, ever love you again.

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Trolling

Dox Fly in Wicked Clown Hacker Battle

Dox fly as Wicked Clown Hackers caught in shocking feud!
Dox fly as Wicked Clown Hackers caught in shocking feud!

INTERNET — Dox flew, Monday evening, as Wicked Clown hacker ShadowDXS found himself in an Internet feud against fellow Juggalo hacker “th3j35t3r.” ShadowDXS, known for elite smartphone interfaces, lambasted self-proclaimed patriot th3j35t3r (hacker speak for “The Jester”).

The Jester’s laptop — emblazoned with the ‘hatchet man’ logo of Insane Clown Posse — is on display at the the Spy Museum in Washington D.C. The Jester used this laptop to shut down terrorist web sites, saving countless American lives.

Many outside of the Juggalo family stigmatize and devalue the Faygo-drinking subculture – including the FBI – who recently declared Juggalos a “gang.” However, expert and cultural anthropolgist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, who has lived with Juggalos for years, studying their habits and mimicking their behaviors, dismissed the “dumb juggalo” stereotype. “I’ve met Juggalos who are doctors, businessmen, CEO’s of major corporations,” Troubadour explained. “Met a rocket scientist at the gathering last year! Woop Woop! So it doesn’t surprise me at all that Juggalos are some of the world’s most elite and skilled hackers.”[pullquote]What both parties refuse to acknowledge, however, is that none of this shit matters.[/pullquote]

Hacker feuds such as the one between ShadowDXS and The Jester often lead to the posting of supposed “dox” or information on the hidden secret identity of the hacker. Monday evening’s feud is no different. The Jester publicly announced the new home address and significant other to ShadowDXS, at which point Shadow alluded to the supposed weaknesses of Jester’s SSH keys.

According to Erica Moorehead, chief editor of Juggalette (a juggalo magazine for women), it is fabled that “Anonymous” got the idea to cover their faces with masks from the Insane Clown Posse.

“Both groups maintain anti-establishment personas while advancing pro-Christian agendas,” Moorehead said. “Both groups carry the burden of many public failures, yet they are adored by the masses. Many juggalos say they feel persecuted. Most hackers agree there is a system of persecution in place, designed to destroy them from the inside out. In short, there is a lot of intersectionality between Anonymous and Juggalo culture.”

Moorehead added, “Many hackers fail to respect basic tenets of life in a society – discounting the virtues of interpersonal interaction, common decency and even bathing. It is the system holding them back,” she said, “because they don’t respect the system, and it seems some of them can find that anchor in The Family.”