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Does Roanoke have to have a Bleak Future?

By 2060, computer models show Blacksburg larger than Roanoke. The stagnation in Roanoke's growth will leave it nestled right between the "Charlanta" drag and the triangular shaped "Bostyorkicago," making its verdant areas a yearly tourist hellscape.
By 2060, computer models show Blacksburg larger than Roanoke. Staunton will likely surpass Roanoke’s size by 2070. The stagnation in Roanoke’s growth will leave it nestled right between the “Charlanta” drag and the triangular shaped urban sprawl over the midwest and the northeast. Roanoke’s verdant areas will be a yearly tourist hellscape.

Roanoke — The New Silicon Valley?

Nestled in the Blue Ridge is a defunct railroad boomtown where Philadelphia businessmen set up a factory to build steam locomotives. When no one used steam locomotives anymore, Roanoke kept on chugging, living out its servile company-town attitude, building steam trains longer than any other manufacturer in the US. Now Roanoke is best described as a suburban breedery for fresh white teens to be extruded into a college and sent to a real city.

In Wagon Wheel, Old Crow Medicine Show’s adaptation of a fragment of a song Bob Dylan only sang once in an afterparty bootleg tape, Roanoke is a sleepy place where truckers stop to toke up, “Walkin’ to the south out of Roanoke / I caught a trucker out of Philly, had a nice long toke.” And Roanoke is a good place for that, but millions of dollars in tax money have been squandered on the Sydney Opera House wannabe art museum and the Explore Park, a fake town from the past that is once more haunted by hyperreal ghosts, phantasmagoric projections endlessly demonstrating blacksmithing and threshing wheat for the tourists who never came. Of course decriminalizing marijuana could increase tourism and tax revenues in one easy move, but that’d bring in the wrong element. But why not? The kids are already hitchhiking into Roanoke just to toke up with truckers because of that top 40 pop hit.

Today, Roanoke serves as a distribution center for auto parts, but its future in this business is as bleak as the vaguely sick-looking healthcare towers appearing around Riverside Park. Like so many other sickly cities, urban life has concentrated itself in a gussied-up market square where local news stations let anonymous business owners wring their nervous hands around the necks of the homeless who wreck the Disneyland vibe.

But Roanoke could revive its urban center in a meaningful way, maybe through promoting internet infrastructure that would bring fiber optics not only to businesses, but to homes. In Chattanooga, this was done as a municipal project, which is important because data is not simply a service, but it is also a valuable commodity. By holding the keys to all of Roanoke’s fiber optic data, a municipal system could sell this valuable data on the market and potentially lessen the cost of maintenance or even turn a profit. Proactive steps to ensure the privacy and civil rights of the citizenry in the implementation of such a system could potentially set this municipal internet apart from anywhere in the world, making the transaction of business safer and more desirable in Roanoke while bringing in all kinds of jobs just to lay the fiber and keep the lights flashing. Internet that’s quick, reliable, and secure should be thought of as essential infrastructure for the health and growth of a city, and if one plumbs the history of the earliest days of Roanoke things like streets, sewers, prisons, police, and firefighters were “left to the free market” (totally ignored) with disastrous and sickly results. This foresight in the construction of infrastructure would be a strong break from tradition in a city that embodies the corporate mentality and looks at any expenditure of tax money as a burden on business (while they line each others’ pockets with ludicrous projects; there were gas-powered street lights before there were streets).

Norfolk and Western used Roanoke as a site for their factory because they were given ten years without taxes by the local tobacco farmers. It wasn’t an ideal spot for habitation considering the salt-encrusted swamp, the “Big Lick.” There were no workers hanging around to man the factories — they came in on the rails for the jobs. In some ways it was a disgusting exploitation and the laughingstock of the state, but in others it was a brave experiment and unlike anywhere else. Jobs and a city were created, but it was for a single purpose: steam trains, metaphor of obsolescence. Can Roanoke find a new purpose?

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Hipster Islamists plant White Flags on Brooklyn Bridge

Art Jihad, underground Brooklyn hipster Islamists, takes credit for raising the white flag over Brooklyn Bridge
Art Jihad, underground Brooklyn hipster Islamists, takes credit for raising the white flag over Brooklyn Bridge

INTERNET — A Hipster Islamist “art terror” cell in Brooklyn took credit on Wednesday for raising bleached American flags over the Brooklyn Bridge. Art Jihad issued a statement saying, “The Caliphate [ISIS] is the only government with the sanction of Allah, and next time we won’t raise white flags — we’ll plant bombs.” Analysts say that the white flag is a direct reference to the black flag of ISIS, and to believers the terroristic art represents the inevitable victory of Sharia law over all of the world.

Most assumed the beards worn by Brooklyn Hipsters were only a fashion statement, but new evidence shows that there are in fact tens of thousands of converted Muslims among Brooklyn’s trendsetting youth. However, these hip young converts to Islam don’t ever talk about their religion publicly and only assemble for secret prayer under the cover of darkness.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, expert on Islamist terror, told reporters, “These hipster terror cells have been working away at Brooklyn for years, using hip magazines to build up a lot of sympathy for Muslims who have been depicted as unfair victims of American imperialist policy. Basically every man with a beard is a part of it, and they prefer the Islamic drug of choice, hashish, over alcohol, or the blood of Christ. At a glance, it is impossible to tell the difference between those who just think beards are cool and those who have been seduced by the black flag of ISIS, but if you see them at one of these nightly prayer gatherings or at a celebration on 9/11, then you know for sure you’ve got a Hipster terrorist on your hands. I think that almost all hipsters in Brooklyn are sympathetic to the terrorist cause.”

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The Poor are Satan's Army

Satan's Army cannot pass through the pearly gates and into suburban heaven
Satan’s Army cannot pass through the pearly gates and into suburban heaven

“I’ve seen a lot of things in my life, but most of all I’ve seen short segments on television by fair and balanced news networks that have no vested political interests backing their reporting. I watch them every day, and because of it I know the free market is always the best solution.” ~ My first book, The Poor are Satan’s Army

Healthcare was great in America, and America is a place where those who need healthcare and can’t pay for it will be punished openly on the free market, through a sanction and stigma business which scores your credit rating. Through this system, prices on things like insurance, rent, and so on will skyrocket and you will be suppressed into a lower rank in the caste spectrum. You will earn less money for the same services and gets less money for more work. Potential landlords and employers will run a check on you because they know not to do business with you, as is correct and proper. But thanks to Obamacare, Barack Hussein Obama has personally mandated — in violation of the constitution — that you must submit to government controlled death panels, rather than the free market death panels I rightly prefer. Everyone knows the American government has been incapable of anything since winning the last World War, and now it would probably lose hands down to an invasion from North Korea.

Institutions that prey on those who seem to be unable to exist properly within the domain of capitalism are smitten down by the invisible hand of God. What the invisible hand does is necessarily justice itself. As a good Christian I believe the poor are in fact Satan’s army, otherwise God would not strike them. Separation of church and State dictates that it is right and proper that they may receive help only through the pity of God incarnated in voluntary Church fundraising, or through for-profit philanthropy. Those in the grips of Satan must struggle under the capitalist system, created in the image of God and incarnated through human rationality and statistical math.

I believe that Liberals, generally well-meaning people who are able to make a living, are only the enemy within. Those who can exist comfortably in the warm suburban embrace of God’s greatest capitalist empire are as angelic as any good conservative simply for maintaining a decent and responsible credit rating. God blesses them with halcyon streets free of drugs and vagrancy. Thanks to the stewardship of local police they dwell in a heavenly realm rather than in the hellish streets where existence itself has been correctly outlawed. But the Liberals do not understand God’s creation. They want to lift these demons from their sewers.

I believe we need to get back to what the founding fathers intended. When they said “All men are created equal,” they meant that businesses should be able to put a price on every man’s head within an equal market. And if some people can’t catch a break, it isn’t up to the government to make people equal again, it’s up to the Creator. He gave all people an equal capacity to thrive in the capitalist system, and if they find themselves in hell it is their own sins at fault. Christ only saves those who save themselves, he doesn’t go around writing blank checks absolving everyone for their sins. He only helps those who deserve it, destined from their high birth for a life of comfort and luxury.

But if the Liberals are right, and Jesus really meant that the poor are the only ones who can get into heaven (as is obviously false, if you look at the conditions the poor live in every day) then it would follow that they’d also be nicer people. But, as we all know, they’re mean and angry and more likely to do drugs and sin. They wear symbols of Satan, listen to angry metal or rap music, and brag about how they’re going to hell. Just look at anyone who is a deadbeat and can’t make their own way under the capitalist system. You don’t want to be like them.

Read More in my new book, coming out this Christmas: The Poor are Satan’s Army