FABLED SOVIET DREAM COME TRUE!
Soviet Russians rally for power in Moscow
It’s a power grab, and it’s taking place NOW. Russians rallied in their fortuitous nation’s capital city Monday, celebrating their God-King’s rise to power, Vladimir Putin. Putinists ate their TerrorBloc and set eyes on the skies, hoping to catch a glimpse of more than 100 chemtrail-spewing MiG-35′s, which showered the nation with power – a beautiful display of Soviet dominance.
The Soviet Revolution taking place in Russia spells hope for the power elite who hope to instill a love for their hatred of the allied states: USA, England and Capitalist Venezuela.
Comrade Putin has issued the following edict: all bloggers garnering readership greater than 3,000 people per day must register with the central government or face up to five years’ detention. We would like to take this opportunity to extend our deepest gratitude, as a former soviet newspaper, to Comrade Putin for his courageous efforts from Moscow. We are currently in the process of attempting to register as a new Soviet mouthpiece for the state.
GLORIOUS AND INFALLIBLE CHRONICLE.SU staff eagerly await Putin’s decision to accept the website into Mother Russia’s nurturing bosom; her nuclear-backed peace garden.
What’s next for the Internet Chronicle at chronicle.su? Only time will tell. But for now, the website has thrown its full support behind our new Commander-In-Chief – Vladimir Putin – Patriot God-King.
Deric Loststutter debate has everything to do with victims, claims “victims”
INTERNET — Butthurt continued Monday from last week when Deric Lotstutter derailed a feminist hashtag reserved for rape survivor stories with his own Kentucky brand shameless self-promotion. News of the recent purchase of Lotstutter’s story by Brad Pitt’s film company and the . . .
World War 4: Modern Warfare hits shelves tomorrow
KIEV — Ukraine’s new government launched “anti-terror” military operations to eject Russian mercenaries entrenched in Eastern Ukraine. Mercenaries with these same fatigues were supported by the nationalist bike gang cavalry in taking Crimea from the new American-backed European Union “Nazis” in Kiev.
These are default . . .
“Daym,” who died Wednesday from a heart attack, was known for his bombastic takeout reviews.
INTERNET — Youtube sensation and fast food review monarch “Daym” of the Daym Drops channel was known for a famous review of Five Guys Burgers and Fries, in which he coined his signature line, “Oh my Dayum.” . . .
Kevin Mitnick and the Chinese President have hearts bleeding all over the NSA
BEIJING — Heartbleed, the most dangerous state-crafted cyber weapon since stuxnet, is a virus that infects nearly every device connected to the internet, and it was crafted by the NSA as an offensive weapon according to a statement from Chinese . . .
Ancient aliens who have carefully cultivated life on Earth from a distance used this tracking beacon on Mars to guide their ships in safely and undetected.
OLYMPUS MONS — Final and incontrovertible proof of intelligent alien life was photographed by Nasa’s Mars Curiosity Rover, Tuesday, and even the most skeptical scientists are hailing . . .
Skincare Advice From Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour
Sup fellow dudes! I have come up with a totally badass plan to get you ready for the summertime. By following these 10 easy tips, you can battle the blistering heat coming off that god damn life-giving star in the sky.
1. Skin Cancer . . .
Hedges said while he and Dr. Cornel West were having dinner, the two of them recused lazy journalism professors and other intellectuals of being too busy to support free speech. . . .
Mike and Frank firmly grip female busts “picked” from a “honey hole”
INTERNET — Mike and Frank of American Pickers, the world’s most popular on-screen gay couple since Laurel and Hardy, have been granted a legal marriage and plan to artificially inseminate Danielle, who will give birth to their new family. Until then, . . .
Watkins was pronounced dead at 4:38 a.m. UTC. Cause of death was listed as “self asphyxiation, or suicide by hanging.” He was 36. . . .