Skincare Advice From Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour
Sup fellow dudes! I have come up with a totally badass plan to get you ready for the summertime. By following these 10 easy tips, you can battle the blistering heat coming off that god damn life-giving star in the sky.
1. Skin Cancer . . .
Hedges said while he and Dr. Cornel West were having dinner, the two of them recused lazy journalism professors and other intellectuals of being too busy to support free speech. . . .
Watkins was pronounced dead at 4:38 a.m. UTC. Cause of death was listed as “self asphyxiation, or suicide by hanging.” He was 36. . . .
I wake up late in the morning to the sound of my 10/10 Asian girlfriend, who’s crying because while I was asleep I wasn’t having sex with her.
Then, responding to what sounds and feels to them like rape, the neighbors call police to my multimillion-dollar mansion.
The police . . .
THE OBAMA WEST CONVULSED IN A JEALOUS RAGE AS THE VALUE OF TRANSNISTRIAN KUPONS SKYROCKS, AND STILL, THE PEOPLE OF TRANSNISTRIA PROSPER. . . .
“Thanks to heroin,” Norment said, “I’ve dodged a few bullets, both figuratively and literally. Shit, heroin even helps me escape the crushing reality of using heroin.” . . .
Future President George Bush a-huntin’ them Reds
A great leader once asked, “How’s that hopey, changey stuff workin’ out for ya?”
America found her answer. Former President George W. Bush announced a plan Monday to “take America back,” starting with a campaign to reignite nationalism . . .
The Bull Party is a rally to restore freedom, which involves dumping seeds on the capitol and turning loose “thousands” of heads of cattle in the city streets, heralded by Corne who is expected to arrive on horseback with The Articles of Separation in hand. . . .
After many studies, Lebal Drocer, Inc. – her proud majesty – touched the kind heart of Joseph Stalin, who might someday rule with a gentle hand all the people of the world. . . .
CHRONICLE.SU RUN BY UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT . . .