A personal appeal from Chronicle.SU founder Ronny Nitro

CHRONICLE.SU needs YOU! (To GTFO) . . .

Movie Chase Scene Escalates To Rooftop

A viewer watching the events unfold told the Times, “It’s like nothing [he'd] ever seen before,” adding that he had not seen many action films. . . .

Neighborhood Puzzled By Shoe-Wearing Power Line

Witnesses have stated that the power line seems to be a size 11 wide. . . .

Limp Bizkit Inducted Into Rock and Rock Hall of Shame

“I think it’s pretty [depletive exleted] obvious that this was our goal from day one when we started jamming on some George Michael tunes” said Fred Durst, frontman/only actual band member. . . .

Elf Wax Choosic Now Available On Grooveshark

Gainesville, FL–The online music streaming service, Grooveshark®, was pleased to announce Tuesday, the addition of several songs from the Elf Wax catalogue to its expanding database. The company, which has increasingly become a rival to Pandora®, expressed its enthusiasm in a personal email to Elf Wax. “We’re extremely excited . . .

Area Man Fatally Bludgeoned With Baseball Bat

CAHULAWASSEE, GA — A local man was found fatally wounded today after an apparent bludgeoning. The victim, whose name remains unreleased until the notification of kin, was found dead and freshly buried in the ground, wrapped in a blue tarp. Not much is known of the victim at the time . . .

Report: Dan K. Back in Town

YOURTOWN, US–After a recent independent investigation, it has come to our attention here at the Times that Dan K., a known pal to many locals, has indeed returned to the area.

. . .

Comet Lands Safely, Kills 1

WILMINGTON, NC — In a stunning and completely untragic turn of events today, Comet Lunin, approaching it’s closest distance from the Earth’s surface, has unexpectedly landed unharmed in a local suburban backyard. Authorities were quick to the scene but even quicker to leave upon learning of the comet’s well-being. . . .

Opinion: Just Because I Live At This Apartment Complex Doesn’t Mean You Have The Right To Look At Me

Yeah, okay so I haven’t done this whole ear wax blog stuff yet because I don’t have to. But recently this Lebal Drocer company asked me to write something or they’d stop the nitrocious flow of cash that I’ve been getting for over 5 months now (its sweet, believe me . . .

Study: Olympic Torch Relay Completely Unrelated to Tibet-China Conflict

dudes

PALO ALTO, CA–Amidst recent protests disrupting the Olympic Torch Relay throughout several countries, a recent study conducted by the Logical Institute of Thought, or LIT, in Palo Alto has concluded that in no point in the modern Olympic Games’ 112-year history has the worldly tradition of relaying the ignited Olympic torch ever interfered or influenced . . .