ROANOKE, VA–Patrick “Trick” Shouse, the newest tattoo artist in Roanoke, is hosting a “Tattoo Marathon” at Ruxton Condos on Colonial Avenue this weekend in order to build up his portfolio and spread both AIDS and Hepatitis to as many local residents as possible. The event is advertised as tax and license free, which is why Shouse is able to charge only $20 per tattoo.
Shouse appeared in the following video which was used to advertise the tattoo party, mere minutes after purchasing his first tattoo kit.
Local tattoo fans stormed the Facebook page for this event, teasing Trick, who quickly became enraged and said, “Your [sic] stoners with caveman tools ripping people off,” despite the fact that he brazenly and openly vaporized marijuana while tattooing his ankle, possibly contaminating himself with deadly MRSA.
Despite the haters, Trick was able to afford a Master Suite at the local Cambria Suites, which had a “bangin” view of the Roanoke Star. A small pile of one and five dollar bills in the video attest to the fact that this extravagance only almost depleted Trick’s fat stacks.
Shouse and his twin brother scheduled a second event to address haters at Cambria Suites this Saturday at 2pm. Shouse can be reached at 540-425-0808 if you would like to schedule an appointment.
Investigators have found Shouse was recently released from a stint in jail, after being arrested for sharing videos of his graffiti career on YouTube.
INTERNET — Early Monday morning, the loosely knit collective of teenagers known as Anonymous was able to string together enough sentences to “kinda” make a press release for one of their greatest achievements since not hacking Stratfor: Releasing the data of Bank of America defense contractor, TEKSystems.
AnonForecast, current leader of the Legion sector of Anonymous, is likely the one who carried out this operation, considering everything revolves around him somehow.
The release comes as a shock to the intelligence hacker and activist communities alike, as we begin to peel back the layers and realize that everything posted on a Pastebin or tweeted is, in fact, true. Shockingly enough, it’s quite possible that everything ever posted on the internet could be true, says fabled neck-beard Richard Stallman, “We are at time where information has become so compressed, so fluid, like the thoughts of a child, the flap of a butterflies wings or the ripples in still water, that it’s impossible to write anything fallacious on the internet.”
As we all know, Stallman, in recent years, began developing his own religion on his completely open-source laptop made by Chinese children, so he cannot be lying.
Josh the God just doesn’t give a fuck.
Hosted on Anonymous’ very own leak platform Par-AnoiA.net, the dump has a list of keywords that one could only assume are used by TEKSystems’ advanced spider bot detection system. Many activists were elated to find their names embedded in the list, most notably: megalomaniac hacker Jacob Appelbaum. He waxed Monday, amid defamatory shouts calling him a plagiarist and phony: “This is something I would have never expected, citizens spying upon citizens. The panopticon grows, but I’m glad I got name-dropped.”
While the leak is riddled with irrefutable truths, one group in particular is doxed turbo hard from information gleaned from Pastebin: UGNazi. Fabled hacker, carder and Nazi @JoshTheGod is named as Josh Mendez, a.k.a. Blake Bronstad, which we all know as true considering he was arrested in 2012 under the obvious alias “Mir Islam.”
Stratfor isn’t the only private contractor news publication on lots and lots of Xanex.
Cosmo is also named in the Pastebin, which of course is correct, because who’s to argue since his name was never released to the public due to his minor status.
In their teaser file, Anonymous highlights some really fantastic nostalgia that reminds us all about the days of yore, when people said “lulz” and HBGary took to the IRCs to stick it to Anonymous. This lovely, readable word salad would make Aaron Barr’s hiking boots swelter, as if his loins were moistening at the sight of “t-asshurtmacfags” breasts.
Noted activist, speed walker and writer Kenneth Lipp gets fingered as the great @Jackal[Anon], a.k.a. @YourAnonNews, the ringleader of Anonymous. How can one confirm this? Simply visit the Wikipedia rival site encyclopediadramatica.se’s entry on JackalAnon and see for yourself. Confirmed.
All in all, this release is nothing more than the Stratfor leak on a handful of xannie bars. However it does highlight the accuracies of what one could only identify as the greatest intelligence source of all time: Pastebin.
Beyoncé’s tragic suicide came as a shock to fans around the world.
HOUSTON — Fans mourn the loss of Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter after a series of high-profile public embarrassments. Sunday, some fans blamed a blackout during the Super Bowl on Beyoncé’s extravagant halftime show, which featured the world’s biggest neon lights shaped like Beyoncé’s face. This comes on the heels of allegations Beyoncé lip-synced “The Star Spangled Banner” at President Barack Obama’s inauguration.
Police investigators confirm early reports the suicide was an intentional overdose on Diazepam, a medication Beyoncé took to ease her fits of manic depression. Her physician, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, attributed the fits to “stress related to identity issues.”
Beyoncé’s estate has been transferred to her surviving husband, Jay-Z, who did not return several badgering messages left by Chief Editor of The Internet Chronicle, Raghubir Goyal.
In publishing his tome, Let the Dead Bury the Dead, Indiana-based researcher Matt Janovic documents pervasive corruption, zany paranoia culture and desperate legal harassment. Although he had a list of prostitutes, servicing the capital region’s elites, employed by Jeane Palfrey, former Johns were “going after all of them,” he says, “to shut them up.” For 13 years Ms. Palfrey was able to sell sex to thousands of D.C. clients, including politicians, and well-compensated defense and intelligence contractors.
The Johns’ attempts to shut up their prostitutes worked, far more than the prostitutes’ fear of their own criminal liability. Mr. Janovic, along with the rest of the team working for the cause of defending Ms. Palfrey, “couldn’t find [the former prostitutes].”
Following D.C. Federal Judge Gladys Kessler’s having obtained in late 2007 subpoena power over various law enforcement and intelligence agencies in connection to Ms. Palfrey’s case, Judge Kessler was replaced by Judge James Robertson, who subsequently quashed that subpoena power. “All of a sudden,” says Mr. Janovic, “Judge Kessler is replaced without any explanation, nothing.” It was at this time, he says, that Ms. Palfrey threatened, in front of defense counsel Montgomery Sibley, to kill herself. The author speculates that a suicide threat even in front of Judge Kessler may have been the reason for her replacement.
Mr. Janovic makes clear that he hates conspiracy nuts. These peddlers of fear, he says, are “incredibly irresponsible, dishonest with themselves and everybody.” Their distrust of absolutely all parties to everything, says the author via phone, is “intellectually lazy,” adding that their unhealthy distrust is a “cop-out.” He thinks their basic view of the world is, “like, ‘well, if I don’t have to be a responsible citizen I can just go running to irrationality.” This is the reason that, despite prostitution ring operator Jeane Palfrey’s radio show assurances that she would not commit suicide, he was entirely certain that her suicide was not the product of any foul play whatsoever.
But after being her investigated for fraud by the Postal Service, and informants turning on her multimillion-dollar sex ring — and receiving numerous, spurious legal threats, intended to intimidate him into silence — Matt Janovic, a former researcher for Ms. Palfrey, has still come to the conclusion that there are practical and ethical limits to unhinged distrust. The Postal Service busted Ms. Palfrey twice in the early ’90s for money laundering. He says, “I was getting the fake cease-and-desists for a while, but now they’ve halted because the book is out,” adding that letter writers were “just trying to fake me out and intimidate me into not putting the book out . . . If anything they emboldened me to do it.”
The evidence that Ms. Palfrey hung herself, as his book’s maccabre cover makes clear, is her “making comments that were filled with absolutes: ‘I will not serve one more day in prison;’ ‘they’re not getting one penny of my money;’ ‘I’m getting it all back.’” Because the “D.C. Madam,” as the press would advertise her, killed herself before sentencing, the government was not able to keep as many of her assets, of which her estate eventually received the majority.
Mr. Janovic’s skill as a researcher, apparent to her by his early comments on the case, made it unnecessary for him to solicit his considerable talents. She hired him directly. The author thinks, in addition to his own blogging, that that philosophical coinage of Sun-Tzu, “keep your friends close but your enemies closer,” also informed her decision to hire him.
“She contacts me after I write these observations, maybe a month after. I think about a week after she contacts me, she starts making comments about suicide. And we started talking about one of her former escorts, Brandy Britton. She was a sociology professor at the University of Maryland. And [Ms. Britton] killed herself the same way. And [Ms. Palfrey] said in an email . . . June 20, 2007, ‘oh, I’ve thought many times of killing myself but apparently I’m a tougher nut than [Ms. Britton] was.’”
In February 2008 Ms. Palfrey sent an email to Jason Leopold and Mr. Janovic’s co-researcher, carbon-copying Mr. Janovic, “kind of like, ‘OK, I want you to bear witness to this.’” While Truthout’s own Mr. Leopold tried to reassure her of her odds in the federal investigation, she responded nonetheless with, “Jason… let’s put it like this, the bastards aren’t going to take me alive.” She struggled with the idea of doing only three years in jail, daresay the far longer, bluffing sentences tossed before her by federal prosecutors.
Actress Mimi Kennedy, who portrayed Jeane Palfrey in an episode of ABC Drama “Scandal” (via: IMDB)
Additionally she made other statements to Mr. Janovic that made him suspect she was on the way self-down — suicidal themes pervading her conversations with the author of this 600-page tell-all. Mr. Janovic relays the story of an acquaintance who met Ms. Palfrey in Florida, the operator of a straightforward escort service, who saw Ms. Palfrey taking anti-depressents, “very casually, popping [them] in front of her.” Ms. Palfrey eventually overdosed on anti-depressants to ensure that she could not be revived following her own hanging. The author says, “She was drugging herself to keep her head on.”
For 10 months after June 2007, the author of Let the Dead Bury the Dead was deeply frightened of an upcoming suicide on the part of Ms. Palfrey, whose clients included Senator David Vitter (R-LA), former USAID Administrator Randall Tobias, political consultant Jack Berkman, and political analyst Dick Morris. Regulars included Mr. Morris, Sen. Vitter, and former Naval Commander Harlan Ullman, author of the Iraq War’s “shock and awe” doctrine, which called for “overwhelming power, dominant battlefield awareness, dominant maneuvers, and spectacular displays of force to paralyze an adversary’s perception of the battlefield and destroy its will to fight.”
Mr. Janovic says, laughing,”Some of the girls complained about him having problems with bathing hygiene and that he was abusive emotionally.”
Of particular frustration to Mr. Janovic is the continuing power of client Jack Burkman, a former lobbyist for James Dobson’s Focus on the Family, and 2004 Bush-Cheney campaign strategist. The author writes in Chapter Eight:
[Mr.] Burkman was provided supporting fire (cover) by the mainstream press. They let him off the hook completely when it was blatantly obvious that he was in the phone records; published the finding at that time. But the mainstream media can ignore that when it has to, and it did. They wouldn’t touch it.
The Associated Press and ABC’s Brian Ross, says the author in his Internet Chronicle phone interview, “stayed as far away from the true nature of the case as they possibly could.” If Jack Burkman’s claims that he denied to mainstream media sources having purchased sex can be believed, the author blames those (unknown) sources for having taken Mr. Burkman at his word. Gawker, says Mr. Janovic, pulled several links down relating to Mr. Burkman’s own, other sexual foibles, specifically an account two lesbian women posted to a MySpace page, claiming that Mr. Burkman offered them a thousand dollars to have sex in front of him. Mr. Burkman threatened the two women legally, and they pulled the tale. The two had a scan of Mr. Burkman’s business card, which he offered them.
One commenter on Mr. Janovic’s blog, an NPR employee who spoke to the author from her place of work, spoke to the author of dating Mr. Burkman. Mr. Janovic says her story jives with that of the two women from MySpace.
As to why Sen. Vitter escaped the scandal without prosecution, and with re-election, Mr. Janovic blames U.S. attorneys kowtowing to those who place them in power. The author considers these attorneys and assistant attorneys “handlers and fixers” for senators, who “clean up their messes for them.” Sen. Vitter, says the author, had a “favorite” prostitute at Pamela Martin & Associates, who the feds “put on ice,” into protection.
The escort agency’s subpoenaed Verizon phone records, to which the author was privy, he says, are “the smoking gun for Hookergate.” Included in the phone records “was even the archbishop of D.C.” Ms. Palfrey would tell the author that other clients of Pamela Martin & Associates included Senator John McCain (R-AZ) and then Halliburton CEO and future Vice President Dick Cheney.
“She also mentioned Fred Thompson,” says Mr. Janovic. “And then,” he starts to say with a laugh, “– and this is interesting because I started writing about it. You know, I actually started writing about it after she was dead. And then lo and behold I start getting on his mailing list in my email box.” The former senator was at the time launching what would be an ill-fated campaign for the Republican Party presidential nomination.
This month a brilliant artist at The Wall Street Journal has broken new ground in the flourishing investigative journalism market by going where cameras could not. You can click here to see these images in their original context, alongside a breathtaking column by Laura Saunders. Witness the pain of these Americans’ faces, as the fruits of their brow sweat are ripped away by the useless, degenerate masses and their fanatical, usurper ringleader.
‘Retired couple’ – Tim Foley, WSJ
First in Tim Foley’s slideshow of unbridled pain is a retired couple, who is just breaking even as socialist fascists have taken over their country. Social Security income is capped at roughly $40,000 annually for each of them — presuming each of them made only a meager $120,000 per annum since the age of 18 — and so in order to get by on $180,000 with their deductions in investment income in tow, their aging bodies will have to scrap together $23,000 this year. And what incentive do they have to even do that in the Nancy Pelosi/Barack Hussein Obama II economy? In the crossed arms of the man — whom we will call “Carlton” — and “Carlton’s” world-weary stare, we see a bold entrepreneur degraded into being a simple welfare slave on the Democrat retirement plantation. He has just told his partner in Christ they will face the belt-tightening prospect of having to switch from Perrier to the utter swill San Pellegrino. We can see from his lean that the heat of South Carolina’s merciless golf courses have caused spinal degeneration. His wife has a raised eyebrow, characteristic of these stark sketches of the toil and misery of 21st century America. We can sense she knows that “Carlton’s” days to be numbered. And without his brave, beating heart, the Social Security Administration will be cutting off a hefty $40,000 a year.
‘Married couple, four children’ – Tim Foley, WSJ
Mr. Foley’s next portrait of insurmountable anguish shows a nuclear family taxed nearly $22,000 more in 2013 by a society thankless for the parents’ willingness to put up with each other after 40. Clinging like a Ritalin addiction to the father’s body are two of the children, the one in front of him cowering into his shoulder, staring upwards at a towering, dream-crushing IRS. At $650,000 a year, these surely above-average children face a dark future, one in which they may have to take on some degree of debt for every single one of them to attend Kenyon, Amherst, or some other liberal arts institution that may by and large be bought into. The married, upstanding professional “businessess” faces forward more than her righteous husband to symbolize how liberals have electorally plotted to divide his Godly household. She like “Carlton’s” wife raises a single eyebrow. But the pre-menopausal woman’s eyebrow raises as if to say: “Should I really have to pay this much more this year to stave off my de facto execution for having to carry an ectopic pregnancy?”
‘Single person’ – Tim Foley, WSJ
‘Single person’ features yet another pearl-clad responsibility-ite, her face tilted slightly to her left in cynicism, her hair diligently parted, her arms crossed in indignation. As yet unbruised by years of toil and her holy, as yet unfulfilled, duty of childbirth, one eyebrow is not raised more than another, as with the retired woman and married mother. She still possesses the idealism of youth, and so is surprised to see our newly totalitarian government demanding so much of her, three years out of Wharton. She has purchased fine pearls to attract a suitable mate. She uses a watch, despite its being old-fashioned; checking her smartphone’s email app every five minutes to look out for any possible, more lucrative opportunities from one of her firm’s ruthlessly job-creating competitors. But now that she will be paying so much more on her taxes in 2013, what’s the point? she says to herself. Any more income will just mean moving into a higher tax bracket. And this is the way that in the New World Order’s America, a job creator is effectively murdered in public by a raging lynch mob. The mob, she understands well, is just jealous of the superior productivity genes that the American Enterprise Institute’s own Charles Murray has proven with science her to have.
‘Single parent, two children’ – Tim Foley, WSJ
The most heartbreaking of Mr. Foley’s portraits is that of the ‘Single parent,’ a subject with whom The Wall Street Journal’s editorials have famously long sympathized. The subscriber can immediately derive additional sympathy because her children look sufficiently alike to allay any suspicion that she might be single by a decadent choice. In the foreground, we see that she must console her child about her peasant family’s additional 2013 tax liability of just over $3,000. She places a loving hand over his shoulder, as she has probably just told him that — upon hearing the results of the treasonous fiscal-cliff congressional package — they will not be able to purchase for him a Hanson Robotics “Zeno.” The boy has his mother’s job-creator genes, but he knows with this year’s inability to afford that multithousand-dollar toy, his hopes of becoming an undergraduate in MIT’s robotics labs may very well be crushed. As with any of the parents or married people in this sketch essay, in his signature Foley-ian style, the woman’s eyebrow is raised at a new, decadent culture so willing to punish any American unworthy of the very gutter. This final, masterful sketch is the single greatest representation of economic repression since (original, lesser) Depression documentarian Dorothea Lange’s “Migrant Mother,” below.
In the Shadows of Tim Foley: ‘Migrant Mother’ – Dorothea Lange
Hippity-Hopper and YouTube Extremist Sam Knight (right) and a Turkman Foreigner Collaborator (Left)
WASHINGTON — Two young men, believed to have been at least at one time Washingtonians, have been identified by agents at the Washington FBI Bureau as opposing austerity measures designed to keep Americans from committing the sin of passing on their debt to the next generation. One of them is Twitter extremist Sam Knight (@samknight1), and the other is obviously a foreigner, a Turkman believed to be linked to Sibel Edmonds, patriotically gag-ordered by former Attorney General John Ashcroft.
In a “hip-hop” video posted to YouTube by an anonymous source, the rag-tag “hip-hop” duo indict the Securities and Exchange Commission, late American freedom movement leader Alex Jones and what they delusionally imagine to be a right-wing opposition — all leading to the fiscal cliff crisis, which threatened America in late 2012 but is now well on its way to peaceful, civil resolution via the orderly legislative process. “Everything is under control,” said House Speaker John Boehner Monday evening, in response to the unsettling propaganda.
Intercepted is the young Turkman’s perverse music video, which features salacious “ghetto” images pruriently intended to titillate and confuse the viewer into draining funding from future generations of unwashed, as yet unborn masses ready to take the most menial of positions in order to pay into Medicare and the Social Security Trust Fund. Infiltraitors from The Internet Chronicle have discreetly captured images of the two men.
LANGLEY, VA. — Little bras and bra-lets are, like, psyched about the birth of the little God dude. In response Lebal Drocer and Tyco corporate representatives are proud to announce the 20th anniversary of Spy Tech toys with the addition of the Polonium Neutralization Set™, perfect for trimming all the loose ends on your Christmas tree.
This set’s got everything little bras need to take care of all that flim-flab and jibba-jabba very potentially flowing from the mouths of the opposition. An eight-year-old Spy Tech focus group tester, speaking at a press conference outside of CIA headquarters, said, “That’s one thing I hate! All the noise, noise, noise, noise!”
The neutralization set is really quite simple. The first step is, bras take the polonium rock (included) produced in a reactor at the Mattel Factory in Foshan, China. They then take the rock file and get some shavings off of that beast. The best part is even little hands can manage the file. All you need is a grain-of-sand-sized particle of that polonium-210 and you’ve got some major “SSHHHH” . . . major “SSHHH” power.
Best of all, little spy bras and bra-lets can enjoy all of the greed and incompetence that define the world of modern espionage without any personal risk. The Spy Tech 20th anniversary Polonium Neutralization Set™ acts slowly, leaving the time of spiking — and maybe even its very happening — in total question, bro.
The Spy Tech 20th anniversary Polonium Neutralization Set™, from Mattel. Then you can just slip away. Pick up yours today with just a couple of bitcoins through Lebal Drocer, the only authorized reseller.
Mob rule is everything in the Hyper Revolutionary Social Networking device.
This message comes from the Public Relations desk of your very own chronicle.su:
While on its way to chronicle.su’s chief war correspondent Viet Zam, a message from Lillian King was intercepted early October, establishing a multi-tiered dialog around the coming “Social Network Revolution.” After several rounds of negotiation, [CHRONICLE EDITORS] have decided to release her video with the unspoken understanding there will be no further harassment from herself or the plethora of Illuminati-centered agencies she is believed to represent – both governmental and nongovernmental.
“A New Medium”
From the unsolicited email:
The Hyper Revolution video was created to show the strength of our new medium the Social Network.
Far from status updates and the latest instagram photos, social media is shifting the balance of social and political power back to the people and not a lot of individuals know this.
The new Social Network political party line is determined by upvoting. Its ideology is driven totally by cat videos and reposted television gaffes of celebrity politicians. There is no room for dissent once the most strongly worded opinions bob to the top – a sign that the Hyper Social Revolutionary Network has served its full purpose.
Sensationalism dominates the Hyper Revolutionary Social Network while marginalizing those willing to ask questions unanswerable by witty retorts that, no matter what, fail to reach into the humor box of the 98% who still don’t get it, ALL of whom carry the power of a downvote, and MANY of whom want YOU to shut up.
By the time you read this message, over 800 million people will believe they changed the world by clicking on Revolutionary status updates such as “Click Like if you are the 99%!”
We’re all leaders now. Join the Anti-Leaders for Change network and start posting today. Don’t forget to subscribe now and share this with your friends… You could start a revolution!
SMALL CHILDREN EVERYWHERE HAVE BRISTLED AT THE BARK OF GUNFIRE. EACH DAY, YOUR SONS AND DAUGHTERS REMORSELESSLY ANNOUNCE THE BOMBINGS OF VILLAGES, AND THEY HAVE HEARD THE CRIES OF DYING MEN THEY MUST IGNORE.
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SEASIDE HEIGHTS, N.J. — The bloated corpse of Snooki was allegedly recovered and then dumped back into the sea Tuesday after the MTV star went missing early Monday evening.
When whaling experts off the Atlantic Coast noticed a disturbance in their dragnets, they claim to have pulled up the bloated, lifeless carcass of Jersey Shore starlette Nicole Elizabeth Polizzi the reality television “actress” widely known as Snooki.
Coast Guard Captain Jacob Funkhouser, who found the body, said he could not believe his eyes. And since this particular whaling expedition was a capitalist venture, Funkhouser said, there was just not enough space in the hold of the S.S. Bismarck and jettisoned her stinking, lifeless body.
It was definitely her.
Captain Jacob Funkhouser, S.S. Bismarck
Internet Chronicle reporters interviewed Funkhouser on the deck of the S.S. Bismarck. “It was definitely her,” Funkhouser told reporters, slamming a defiant fist down on the platform where he sat. “Even though it was all purple and puffy, I’d recognize that face anywhere. Now that I look back on it, we could’ve made more money selling the corpse back to her filthy rich guido family than I’d get from a big, juicy Sperm whale.”
Though he lamented losing the chance to capitalize on her fame, Funkhouser said he does not regret the decision to jettison Snooki’s body, saying “America dumped Bin Laden, so I did the same for Snooki.”
Snooki leaves behind an infant child whose birth raised controversy after critics labeled her a “negligent monster . . . incapable of motherhood.” (NY Times, 2011)
Known for drinking and getting punched in the face by better people, Snooki capitalized on a baffling book deal that was displayed prominently in bookstores alongside, or ahead of, the works of sociologist Cornell West, popular scientist Niel DeGrasse Tyson and satirist David Sedaris.
It is unknown how Snooki was initially blown out to sea. Sources close to the reality TV star said she was drinking profusely during a Hurricane Sandy welcoming party, and disappeared in her Scion Monday night, a car known to float in less than six inches of water. Authorities have declared her a missing person but are currently occupied with more important recovery efforts.