Iranian warship transits the Suez canal to fuck with Israel and Syria like it's nothing.
IRAN GEARED UP FOR WAR
INJECTS TWO WARSHIPS
“Hate filled radiation bombs dropped on the fields below burned all the people alive in their homes, like pathetic voles,” said Vice Chairman of Radiation Bombs Senior Palmer, head of AT&T.
For Israel to bring the hatebombing against Iran, “there’s got to be at least 100″ fighter jets in the sky, refueling mid-air during their thousand mile journey. “That way you kill the most innocents,” Palmer added. Lockheed Martin’s written all over this shit. Halliburton? Where are you.
Analysts predict the Israeli fuckstorm over nuke country could have “deep, long-lasting effects” on the region. Dr. Felix Clayborn of the Chronicle Institute of Hatenology said the rocket fire could theoretically be seen from the moon, “which is pretty fucking awesome.”
Meanwhile, South Korea carried forward with a military exercise punishable by North Korean military action. North Korea recently exploded a nuclear bomb underground with which inside sources say Kim Jong Un is preparing to rape the world “like a big radioactive dildo.”
Financial analysts have predicted unprecedented spikes in gas prices. “It’s going to fuck us for a long time,” lamented Clayborn, who is not an authority on the subject.
Lebal Drocer Space Technologies spokesman Raleigh T. Sakers said the fallout after global thermonuclear war is going to suck pretty bad.
“Human life on earth could be eradicated as early as Fall 2014,” prophesied Sakers. He also said gold will never cost nothing, adding that it will always be worth something. “There’s never been a better time to invest,” he explained.
Call 1-800-GOLD-HORD and ask how to put a lien on your firstborn child to gain access to hot new premium membership options. 1-800-GOLD-HORD
Is Motor Mouth ( of MotorMouth news import ) a bounty hunter after the heads of anonymous and occupiers?
WAIT A SECOND. Is MotorMouth a GOD DAMN REAL LIFE SUPERHERO?
IS THERE NO GOD.
A pastebin alone may raise the question, but research has the answer. [EDITOR'S NOTE ELFWAX EDITION: PASTEBIN EXTRAS: BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR JAMIE CORNE'S TRADEMARK INSANITY IN THIS WEEK'S PASTEBIN OF THE WEEK WITH JACKALANON ]
“And the answer is, quite frankly, yes. He is all of those things.”
Motor Mouth (pictured) has been involved with various Occupy movements, but not as you might expect.
As the pieces fall into place, more anons have come forward to discuss sightings of the figure within hacktivist culture around Occupy Wall Street events, but there are suspicions he is working with police.
There is a real life superhero calling himself MotorMouth, who also happens to have a questionable involvement in political demonstrations. MotorMouth news, on the other hand, has been involved with Occupy Wall Street events, leading to questions surrounding his involvement with authority. He is part of a group of real life superheroes that could only exist if legally sanctioned by the D.C. police department – which means cooperation with law enforcement agencies.
MotorMouth News has a torrid history, to say the least, with the underground hacktivist culture – his website bearing a shallow and incomplete portrayal of anonymous activity – and his involvement with the above ground occupy movement is said to be wrought with distrust.
If true, it would reveal a fascination with masks and disguises paired with a desire to be on the winning team – that is, the fascists controlling America.
On his website, Motor Mouth, the real-life superhero, claims to have been involved in ‘riots’ but does not specify which; additionally, he listed a “racially-charged political incident” but does not specify which side he stood up to protect, though he does claim to have stood up for something. The case is about a piece of shit assassin cop who pretty much got off the hook for manslaughter – and at MotorMouth the superhero’s website, there is no indication that the superhero was standing up for the death of an innocent black man.
Lead correspondent Tyler Bass of chronicle.su explained the issue is hardly divisive. “White cop, dead black guy,” he said, “case motherfucking closed. ‘Controversial’ doesn’t begin to describe how fucked up that was.”
So remember anons, if you see this man, do not divulge information to him. He could be a bounty hunter hooking up crooked cops, so better safe than sorry. Like we used to say back in the World War II days: “Loose Lips Sink Ships!”
Mikhail Margelov may or may not have Downs Syndrome.
Moscow–“Syria is political chess, not American football,” said Mikhail Margelov, Presidential envoy to Africa, and Russian Premiere to Libya, implying Sunday America has no role in the country, so they should get out.
Margelov spoke on conditions of Anonymity during talks with Soviet journal RT. Over the course of their discussion, he indicated democratic efforts in Libya have failed.
Margelov said, “Some people happy to openly drink moonshine and others unhappy about that because they’re in favor of Sharia laws all over the country.”
“Some people are thinking about purity and Islamic identity,” Margelov boasted. “Some talk about necessity of establishing Sharia law all over the country, Islamic world, all over the Arab world.” At this, Margelov’s eyes flashed, then rolled back into his head as he foamed at the mouth.
“Chances of New Libyan Government and judicial system sharing values of human rights and democracy expected to be minimal,” Margelov explained through gritted teeth.
Russian oil companies have already started operations in Libya
Russian railroads “ready to get back.”
New Libyan Government welcomes Russian companies! Margelov: “So why not?”
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Richmond, Va.– It’s almost down to freezing here today, and all I can hear are the liberals complaining about this “global warming” supposedly taking place. Is anybody warm? Not me.
I’m cold, inside and out. And I’m just so mad about everything I see going on in politics today. We want to detain enemy soldiers, enemy combatants, people we believe support the enemy cause and damn it we need to keep a tight lid on this, because the crybaby non-partisans are already starting to catch wind of it. They say, “You can’t detain American citizens!” I say, “Not unless we can determine they show support for the enemy.” If they pay so much as a smile to Al Qaeda, then we ought to lock ‘em up. And I mean it. It should have happened sooner, right about the time everybody was bellyaching about “where are the WMDs?” as we liberated Iraq from a tyrannical dictator. Listen, brown people: sooner or later, you’re gonna have to Westernize, that’s just how it is. They weren’t going to do it themselves. Iraqis are not cut from the same cloth as the Arab Springers. In Iraq, they’re a weaker kind of Muslim, but that doesn’t mean we should not try to detain all them too. Jay Leno on latenight sure is a great start, but there are some people whom even Primetime TV can’t help.
I’m a shareholder with Boeing. We understand human suffering. At the same time, we understand war is a necessary enterprise. People can not exist without war. Sometimes war is the only way when you just can’t be together with someone. Sometimes war is the best way. Sometimes war is even kind of fun. Hell, I like war. Boeing creates some of the finest war machines of the 21st Century and I’m proud to hold stock in their company. I just wish people could understand how Boeing and the military-industrial complex helps the war industry create the most jobs out of any other industry. War is quite simply the best approach to the problem of human existence.
Now don’t get me wrong. I hate hearing about women and children suffering as a result of armed conflict sponsored by the United States. I can’t stand it and I know you can’t either which is why I make sure not to run that kind of news, so you don’t feel bad about yourselves and you feel more accepting of wartime conditions, all the time. It’s easier on us all that way. I don’t want to see images of little dead babies in the laps of their crying armless mothers just as bad as you don’t, so hey, let’s just not look at it. Simple as that.
Call me brave. Call me bold. Call me fearless. I’m not afraid of those words. I’m an American and I’m proud of it. And I’m sorry you aren’t.
If more people just learned life is what you make of it, then we’d all be a lot happier, am I right? Of course I am. Now if you want to go and wear black makeup and put a bunch of dark shit on your blog with twenty seven followers, that’s your prerogative but don’t drag the rest of us down with you. Life is what you make of it and I speak for those of us who just want to make money and watch Family Guy. Call me brave. Call me bold. Call me fearless. I’m not afraid of those words. I’m an American and I’m proud of it. And I’m sorry you aren’t.
There are a good number of communists out there, on the internet – or a bad number depending on how you feel – who wish to destroy the very foundations of Democracy upon which this country was built. They’d rather not work and take all your money than see any truly beneficial changes arise out of a free market. But this is all part of a larger campaign against the Freedoms we hold dear in our American hearts. These anarchists want a larger government, and are actively seeking more regulations on an already-suffering market. They do this by sleeping in a nearby park. Despicable.
And that’s where global warming comes in. The cold weather was supposed to run the occupiers out, but soon it will be warm. Were they shouting about global warming to get us to ignore the problem, just so they could use it to their advantage to protest on through the winter? These self-hating liberal American communists are devious creatures, and should be hunted down and detained for the manipulation of truth around global warming and held accountable for the reckless obstruction of sidewalks everywhere.
I used to believe it wasn’t real, it was invented. But it will soon be unseasonably warm for a January so I’ve begun to ask myself: Why global warming? Was it all just a scheme by the liberals to generate distrust in our ecosystem? Or was there actually a false flag attack on our basic understanding of the overall workings of nature – aimed ultimately at tricking the general public into putting innocent bank managers and corporations in the path of Communist occupiers? Their hatred for free enterprise knows no bounds, folks. They’ll stop at nothing. They’re already sleeping in a nearby park, despicably lowering property values in the surrounding area, so why wouldn’t they lie to you?
Do the liberals really hate our freedom so much as to make up a global warming scheme to detract our fickle attention from national security? Today it’s cold, but Monday it will be sixty degrees and sunny. Dear God, are we in the end times?
Here at chronicle.su we don’t take credit for our work. It’s just a power thing. When hundreds of thousands of people – or millions – from all over the world believe something simply because you wrote it at chronicle.su, dear God, you’ll never get over it.
If you can write anywhere above an 11th grade level, and I mean a “smart” 11th grade writing level, then we’re offering you a cut of that power, and credit for your work if you desire (but I wouldn’t advise it). For how long? We’re not sure. Something like a month in your own guaranteed spot and potentially longer if you’re good, even indefinitely. Also you’ll receive a free chronicle.su t-shirt, made in a real-life sweatshop as seen on TV.
It does not matter what you write, because if it’s good you’ll know it and so will we. Don’t be afraid of writing tripe, even though we will ridicule it. Tripe is useful here at chronicle.su and you may have a talent you didn’t even know you had; ideally, a talent for shit material that is so weird it’s funny. Write anything.
One thing I want to emphasize is we truly do not give a fuck.
Submit your reports below. Copy and paste it or whatever. Format can suck and that’s okay. If you wish to include pictures, screw that form and email the whole thing to firstname.lastname@example.org
The sensational news article, found on this eyesore of a website, about halfway down said Aafia Siddiqui suggested that “maybe Israel had something to do with it.” It, meaning the World Trade Center attacks on September 11, 2001.
Aafia Siddiqui is a Pakistani neuroscientist who studied at MIT. Later she allegedly decided she might like to engage in sexy terrorism. The article says it all, in just a few words, including words like “She then fired the rifle at various individuals.”
4chan raised the question once, causing it later to be dismissed as the lulz. But Aafia Siddiqui raised it back: Did Jews cause 9/11?
Do not be taken in so quickly. If the Jews did 9/11 then why are we slaughtering brown people? Is it to keep down heating costs like the liberal media would have us believe? Exactly.
I don’t think there’ll ever be a time in my life when I don’t fear the unending wrath of Muslim rage possibly winding up in my children’s schools. No sir, my children will learn that the Jew is our friend. Yea, we’d all be speaking German right now if the Jews hadn’t dragged us into World War II and that Indians shared maize with the pilgrims, who later corrected their population for using the wrong word to identify corn.
Lynchburg, Va.– Furry fandom is a relatively new subculture made up of people who fetishize anthropomorphic animals. To some, it is an extreme sexual desire that often crosses over into the realm of bestiality. To others, it is a casual scene in which the use of a “fursona,” or an alternate animal identity, acts as a social [sexual] aid. Chronicle.SU investigators went undercover to a local Furry meeting, posing as reporters from the Furry News Network to get closer to the throbbing, percolating cyst at the heart of Furry fandom.
To gain access to the furry group Southwest Virginia Furs, an attractive and obviously fake female sock puppet account was created. Within minutes of creation, the sock puppet ‘Jess Perkins’ received the entirely creepy message, “glad to see you live in Lynchburg.” As it turned out, the meeting was held at River Ridge Mall, in direct sight of Jerry Falwell’s ultraconservative Liberty University, where there is a time limit on hugging in public.
Area furries check out hot Christmas deals
Chronicle.SU investigators arrived at the furry meeting disheveled, drunk and hungover. We explained that we were paid by Furry News Network to travel up and down the East Coast, visiting furry events as well as covering raft people coming across from Cuba. For extra furry-cred, all notes were taken in a Warcraft 2 manual. The videogame manual’s presence was noted enthusiastically. Although Warcraft is in no way furry related, it is reassuring to other nerds to know they are in friendly company.
Investigators shared their homosexual “fursonas” with the group. In the shadow of Liberty University, however, all talk of homosexuality was met with silence. The Furry group was much more excited about the prospect of meeting a zebra, as that is apparently a somewhat rare, and unwieldy, fursona.
Only two of the group owned actual fursuits, expensive sexual toys allowing Furries to enact bestiality fantasies. Fursuits are depraved equivalents to football mascot costumes, complete with hatches for Furries to fuck eachother through.
Furries who choose to leave their masks on during “fur fests” – or furry fuck orgies – say the experience is both enjoyable and thrilling. But because wearing a condom in a fursuit is close to impossible, Swivel said STIs among the Liberty campus underground furry community are “on the rise.”
After being buttered up with bullshit lies from Chronicle.SU, area Furries began to open up about what made them become Furries in the first place. The first Furry interjected, “I was about six or so when it hit me, Fifi Le Fume was fucking hot!” The group enthusiastically agreed, boners showing through their pants at the thought of gangfucking a cartoon character. Another Furry, the group jackal, spoke up, encouraged by the open discussion, “Well, basically it started with the Disney Porn. I just kept coming back to it, and something just clicked.” One Furry claimed he was a Therian first, a spiritual belief that he could potentially learn how to physically transform into animals.
Furries are used to protecting themselves from agent provocateurs. One furry for Southwest Virginia Furs, said, “Fuck trolls. If there was a troll here, I’d punch him.”
One way furfags control dissent is to read the quality of character with furries among the group, and compare it against an outsider’s. Because our reporters were more extreme furries than these newfags even knew how to be, chronicle.su was able to ascertain “mad respect” by claiming to be homosexuals who photograph Cuban migrants ferried into Miami. “Because Furry News Network is extending its coverage to all beasts.”
As a result of profound exile, the furry community barely functions within society, so many furries must stay in the “furry closet” so as not be outcasts, although one member, Dangerfox, openly wears a tail, who said, “Wearing a tail is sharing a piece of yourself.” Yet another Lynchburg area furry named Tearclaw recently came out to his family. He lives with his brother, who said his brother told him “he would deal with me being a furry, ‘as long as you aren’t gay.’ he told me.”
Before departure, one of the furries invited chronicle.su to his trailer where the group would drink beer, and watch someone “suit up.”
Lynchburg, VA – Southwest Virginia Furs – FURRY NEWS NETWORK
‘Twas the night before Lulzmas, cops bust in my house,
Revolution was stirring, I was drunk, getting soused.
The jury was hung on a “bad budget” scare,
In hopes that the people would not really care.
For children were starving with rotted out heads,
While visions of whiter slums molested their heads.
And mamma in the kitchen, cooking up slop,
Had just surrendered her freedom to a power-tripping cop.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I escaped a pig’s grip to see what was the matter.
Away to the broke door I flew with my cash,
Snorted some cocaine and buttholed my hash.
The paranoid delusions were too real to know
In my snowblind confusion, myself my own foe.
When, what through God’s jealous rage should appear,
But a cluster of hippies, 99%ers like steer.
With a human microphone, so lifeless and thick,
I knew in a moment what message would stick.
“Like lightning we’ll strike in nobody’s name,
We’ll whistle, we’ll shout, like this is a game!”
“Now Leahy! now, Schumer! now, Obama like Nixon!
Sign vomit! Now, Stupid! It’s not your decision!
To profit is all! Fuck rights, for the mall!
Now sign away! Sign away! Sign away all!”
As dry heaves that before the belching demons sigh,
What’s done by the government, is ignored and denied.
In the hands of overlords, the Red White and Blue,
Is our fate full of shit, and Big Brother too.
And then, hallucinating, I heard on the roof
The hooking and scratching of Satan’s third hoof.
As I drew in my breath, the pigs turned around,
Down the chimney St Sabu came without sound!
He was doxed to the tits, and only one person cared,
Whose opinion was pointless, pretty much anywhere.
An FBI plant or some Caribbean hack,
We looked at each other, then never looked back.
This, now, is my chance! Sweet escape, how scary!
My face was on fire, coked up and eyes weary!
My right logical brain stroked out to my woe,
And I shook violently daft then collapsed in the snow.
Hitting my face on a drainpipe I lost teeth,
And lost consciousness for days in a foul dreamlike sheath.
The protesters lol’d at our profound lack of healthcare,
That provides us with nothing as out, too, goes welfare.
And in deep dark silence, I felt one knee jerk,
As someone just kicked me to test if my brain worked.
Coming alive, hurt, I slowly arose,
To a throng of brown sluts, bitches and hoes.
I sprang to my feet, and despite a contusion,
I suddenly realized it was all an illusion.
The Universe, being not alive, can not die,
‘Ere it told me the truth: “And the truth is a lie.”
Reports from within the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea claim that Kim Jong Il successfully cloned himself sometime in the 80′s using a crude, but effective technique widely available at the time. Kim Jong Un was the only survivor after thousands of failed attempts.
Kim Jong Un is virtually indistinguishable from depictions of Kim Jong Il at the same age, except that he is slightly more overweight. This is, of course, a product of North Korea’s economic successes and in no way a genetic factor.
As reports of the cloning spread throughout North Korea, citizens are wildly celebrating a future of endless military and economic victories thanks to the survival of their now immortal leader.
Western powers fear the nuclear-armed Kim Jong-Un, successor to the great empire of Korea. Unification of Korea will follow shortly, as the world applauds the greatness of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.
Pyongyang–The most powerful person on Earth, the Dear Leader Kim Jong-il has entered the next phase of consciousness Monday, where he rules the heavens with unforgiving, merciless love. The North Korean leader died of a heart attack.
Kim Jong-il, who recently guest starred in a reality TV show wherein participants traded places with their higher-ups, died of a heart attack during his morning transit to the dogmeat factory. While forced to ride on a train without breakfast to his seventh twelve hour shift of the week, the Dear Leader’s heart stopped before reaching his destination.
Jong-il’s death went unnoticed for at least forty five minutes until totalitarian overlords sent out a search party and bloodhounds to retrieve him for work duty. The dogs reportedly tore his carcasses to pieces and ate most of the remains.
Details are, as yet, unconfirmed because international calls are still forbidden, punishable by death, and must remain within the boundaries of Stalin’s last playground – North Korea, where all people are all the same in the eyes of the Great Successor and peacefully suffer never-ending hell marches in perfect equality.
“Unlike our enemy neighbors,” said state spokesperson Min Il-Suk, “North Korea enjoys a prosperous human cloning program. Which is why we are pleased to announce Kim Jong-un! HAIL THE GLORIOUS NEW LEADER!“
After the collapse of the Soviet Union, North Korea suffered heavily until Kim Jong-il bravely horded all the money in the country and used it to suppress both hunger and uprisings.
We straight brah. Enjoy your banquet, Dear Leader.
The United States has nearly 30,000 troops in South Korea, ready to raid the North, where it is feared Kim Jong-un could likely empty the nation’s coffers into its people, wasting valuable war funds on food or medical supplies for the unseen poor dying in gutters and alleys.
Analysts monitor the situation closely to be sure North Korea doesn’t “try any shit.” There is little to no mention in the weak-hearted mainstream American media of Monday’s short range missile test, whose effects could soon be felt.