Category: Local

Southern accents abound!

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Local

One local farmer says ‘Society ain’t no good anymore’

In 1998, farmer Jessie Dank took a final look at society before he stopped giving a fuck.
Old-timer Jessie Dank remembers when social media "reigned supreme."

“It just ain’t worth havin’,” says a farmer.

In 1998, farmer Jessie Dank took one last look at society before he stopped giving a fuck.
In 1998, Jessie Dank took one last look at society, before he stopped giving a fuck.

An area farmer is under fire after suggesting society serves “really no purpose” and – in his words – is “just there to fuck with my shit.”

The church struck back Saturday as Newport area Reverend Reggie Pollops announced Operation Black Sabbath, a plan to end nihilistic farmers.

“I cultivate more than just sweet onions,” farmer Jessie Dank told Internet Chronicle in response to the backlash. “I cultivate wheat, livestock and livery, but I don’t cultivate no damn society. At my house, it’s my rules, and there ain’t any rules. It is pure anarchy, and it is mine– wait, that is actually how I make my onions. But no, I also don’t like rules.”

Since then, Jessie became addicted to Vicodin, but it was entirely his fault.

Pollops said Jessie’s inability to subscribe to our values and go along with the group makes him a danger not only to himself and his onions, but to society as a whole.

“Jessie’s a-layin’ up there in that trailer on drugs and bathtub gin,” Pollop said. “He’s a danger to everything we hold dear. Especially to the deer, which we hunt strictly for survival.”

Jessie Dank responded via Twitter to millions of followers.

letm do what he wants. aint none of this shits worth havin neway. ok just delete it. i dont give a fuck – @DankFarmer 1:25 PM – 25 Mar 2017

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Local

This man can’t believe how good PCP is on first time trying it

Some that have suggested the Darknet isn't so Dark have ignited a controversy causing a spate of vicious doxings and e-torture

“I feel so good I could throw someone through a fence!” announced Gerald Davis, moments after smoking PCP for his very first time, and just before getting behind the wheel of a friend’s 2001 Honda Accord.

man-high-on-pcp

Police in Roanoke, Virginia reported that a driver high on PCP bailed out of the moving car on Brambleton Ave., leaving another man high on PCP to take the wheel.

Davis ran into a crowded Kroger supermarket around 2:45 a.m. and began shopping, hoping to blend in.

Store manager Debra Cau said Davis’ clothes – new blue jeans and an orange Virginia Tech t-shirt – looked new, but also freshly torn.

“He walked in bleeding from his eyes, looking around at everything, which was strange,” Cau said, “But then I thought, ‘Hey! People bleed from the eyes in here all the time.’ Still, I knew something was wrong when that boy carried a shopping cart under one arm like it was a grocery basket.”

Police arrived 15 minutes later, armed with tasers, pepper spray and riot batons. After surrounding Davis and using two tasers on him, Davis continued shopping as they sprayed him directly in the eyes with their pepper spray. Davis continued shopping, politely ignoring the officers.

Officers say they chased Davis outside, where even riot batons to the knee did not bring Davis down. Officer Tom Hearst said Davis stood under an awning as if waiting for something.

“At approximately 3:10, a white Honda pulled into the parking lot. The car had fresh damage, and there were shrubs stuck in the grill. Grass and dirt all over it,” Hearst said. “They seemed to know each other. It was at that time we realized this was an Accord somebody called about earlier doing donuts in a front yard.”

Police say that is when they surrounded the vehicle, demanding Davis and his anonymous driver step out of the car and surrender.

“Davis got in the car, and that is when we opened fire,” Hearst said, shaking his head. “We put the hammer down on a couple of screws. These boys did not even succumb to gunfire. They appeared to feel no pain.”

The pair drove away, and were never seen again. Roanoke Police knew they had lost, and capitulated right there in the parking lot.

Some say them boys is still out there, wet, high on angeldust, cruising.

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Local

Man struggles to answer ‘whose baby?’

CONGRATULATIONS YOU WON
Jim Callahan could not answer the question 'whose baby?'
Jim Callahan could not answer the rhetorical question.

RICHMOND, Va. – A Richmond man found himself puzzled Tuesday by the question, “whose baby?” when posited by his eccentric uncle.

“He just came out of the bathroom and said it,” Jim Callahan, a Richmond SEO analyst, said. “He said, ‘whose baby?’ And I didn’t know what to say.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Talkenlaut, professor emeritus of linguistics at MIT, said the question goes back to mankind’s earliest communication fundamentals, the call-and-response.

“Whose baby?” – similar to questions, “Whose buddy?” and “Whose boy?” – begs the question, to whom does one belong? That is to say, who is your main man, who is your boy, who is your buddy, and who is your baby? To which the response, in every case, is unanimously, “Yours.” — Dr. Talkenlaut

Callahan recalls that he paused in reflection of the question.

“I thought, ‘Whose baby am I?'” Callahan said. “I just couldn’t answer the question. I asked him, ‘Am I supposed to say ‘yours?'”

Callahan said the uncle laughed and said, “Well, we’re still two pretty good old boys, aren’t we?”

Talkenlaut could not defend the exchange, and went home early. Callahan’s brain exploded, and the uncle proceeded to watch YouTube videos of ‘old sawmills in action,’ and ‘old dirt bikes.’