Lamo recently left a polyamorous relationship as Kevin Mitnick’s “bottom bitch”
INTERNET — The world’s second most famous whistleblower, Chelsea Manning, and the hacker snitch who ratted her out, Adrian Lamo, reconciled in a passionate conjugal visit at the disciplinary barracks in Fort Leavenworth, Texas on Tuesday evening.
Manning disclosed her work with Wikileaks to Lamo in famous and tragic chat logs which are believed to have led to Manning’s subsequent torture and indefinite detention.
Manning wrote, in a letter addressed to the public, “I know Lamo deceived me. I trusted him like a priest at a confessional, but he turned me in. I still love him and forgive him. I get marriage proposals every day, and to be honest I just can’t trust any of my so-called fans. They don’t know me like Adrian — they think I’m some kind of a saint — and they just say whatever they think will make me happy . . . It may be his fault that I got caught when I did, but I was going to get caught sooner or later . . . Adrian doesn’t worship me, and right now that is the most valuable and rare thing in the world. If no one can understand this, I don’t care.”
Is this you, right now?
INTERNET — Every day, you go to work and consider it a privilege. In fact, you pay your bosses for what you have always considered a service. It’s fun to go to work.
You work for a few different bosses, depending on your tastes, but they are all sprawling monopolies that have usually cornered more than just one market.
Meanwhile, the invisible widgets you don’t know you are churning out are the hot product in the world’s fastest growing industry, easily worth trillions to your bosses each year.
Only a handful of your fellow workers are getting paid for their work, and if they are, the bosses don’t even tell them their wages. In fact, pay rates are a “trade secret” that change according to their whims, rules that are never disclosed. Speaking about pay in public is grounds for immediate termination.
The widgets you’re creating are made up of the ever-increasing wake of data and metadata left behind when you chat with friends on your favorite social media site, play a video game, watch videos, or order a book of medieval epic poetry.
It seems as if you are on the receiving end of great boons: Discount video games, books, and endless streams of movies that cost nothing or next to nothing. Isn’t it just too good to be true?
What has happened, likely without your noticing it, is that the harvest of your digital wake — your invisible widgets and labor — now easily pays for the negligible overhead needed for internet businesses to operate. Also, there’s the obscene profits.
You are paying to go to work for internet monopolies when you deserve to be paid.
As automation replaces jobs and increasingly leaves even educated young people with no hope for employment, it seems the one great light left for those starving and jobless because of things such as super-efficient combine harvesters is the production of data and metadata.
Like industrialization at the turn of the century, this informationalization of the economy has lead to monstrous exploitation which must be exposed and corrected. Unlike industrialization with its overworked children and terrifying factory floors, there is instead a sweet and pleasant dream overlaying the invisible exploitation and violence.
Edward Snowden has uncovered some ramifications of this informationalization with his revelations on the NSA. The major response from Snowden supporters has been to pull out of big data’s gaze with the use of cryptography. This view places the focus overwhelmingly on the rights of the individual, which must at all costs be preserved. Any of the potential sociological or valid security benefits possible with big data collection by government are in this view too often altogether discarded or ignored.
Rather than dismantle mass data collection, as Luddite textile artisans smashed mechanical looms, the informationalized economy must be democratized. Bosses need to pay their workers a fair wage and keep children off of factory floors. Collective bargaining and organization — a careful move away from the overburdened and even fetishistic emphasis on individual rights — can and will pave the way for new utopian dreams.
Jamie Jo Corne, Trail Boss
With a fried voice and look of stoned desperation in her eyes, Trail Boss Jamie Jo Corne delivered new orders Tuesday to her rapidly-growing cult following.
Corne commands her collective to delay the Washington Bull Party Plan until May 16.
The Bull Party is a rally to restore freedom, which involves dumping seeds on the Capitol in Washington, D.C. and turning loose “thousands” of heads of cattle in the city streets, heralded by Corne who is expected to arrive on horseback with The Articles of Separation in hand.
“This is what’s gonna happen,” Corne said, bumping her fists together. “This is when the people meet the government.”
She slammed the Occupy Wall Street movement for its pacifism, saying hers is the movement of True Change, adding that her changes might even lead to economic collapse as America returns to the barter system.
In her video message to the collective, the Trail Boss said she needed to push back the cattle rustling after speculation that a number of unidentified homeless people “went missing” and are being detained in FEMA camps. Corne ordered the farming collective to stand by while she and General Lee sort out the logistics of transferring people and animals into the gridlocked city of Washington, D.C.
“Large amounts of cattle … to herd them into Washington, D.C. is going to take a little bit more planning than 30 days,” Corne said over the clicking of the Battletruck hazard lights. “Not really planning, but prepping.
Corne said she is “sick of fucking around,” and to complete her plan, she will need cattle ranchers to volunteer to turn their cattle loose into the streets.
“There have been several, multiple cattle ranchers. Multiple,” Corne said. “A multitude of farmers coming through, that want to dump their GMO seed all over the place in Washington, D.C.”
Corne is Trail Boss of a group of farmers ready to take up arms against the government at any moment. Corne herself has already threatened President Barack Obama’s life: a stunning preemptive strike in what she and her people refer to as “the American Spring.”
The alternative effects of spreading genetically modified seed throughout the nation’s capital would likely be unknown for at least a decade, according to Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, an Internet Chronicle botany consultant.
“It might not change anything,” Troubadour cautioned. “But then again, shit could be pretty fucked up for a while. Let’s wait and see.”
[UPDATE: THE TRAILBOSS HAS BEEN SILENCED. SHE HAS DELETED HER VIDEOS BECAUSE OF ATTEMPTS BY OUR GOVERNMENT TO SUPPRESS THE AMERICAN SPRING FREEDOM MOVEMENT. THE VIDEO CITED BELOW HAS BEEN LOST, BUT THIS REPORT REMAINS FACTUAL. PLEASE ENJOY A COMPLEMENTARY JAMIE JO CORNE VIDEO, COURTESY OF CHRONICLE.SU]
The plan is to give Congress three days to comply with demands. Consequences of non-compliance, Corne said, will be delivered in phases. Retaliation will be exacted by seizure of ports by collective forces, restrictions on imports, and the burning of social security cards.
“I’m changing the date to May 16th,” Corne said, “and we’re gonna get shit done. We’re gonna git’r'done.”
This message is brought to you proudly by TerrorMax, from Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals. TerrorMax: “Never forget” to Never Forget.
Syrian man atop his high-rise condo celebrates the passing of anti-Internet Trolling law.
DAMASCUS, Syria — Amongst hellfire and brimstone in the ancient city of Damascus, the Syrian government has passed a law making Internet Trolling, Cyber Bullying, or “aggressive” satire illegal. The controversial law was brought to international attention when a Syrian teenage girl committed suicide after being trolled on youtube for outing the CIA as potential instigators/manipulators of the struggles Syria is currently facing.
After a hard fought battle between liberal free speech advocates and the Syrian Child Protection League, the law was passed with a punishment of being administered near lethal doses of Terrormax, a Lebal Drocer, Inc. pharmaceutical that allows people to see terror coming beyond the horizon, giving Internet Trolls an awareness of their actions and also “burger-foot.”
After the US Military’s Project Paperclip, which recruited Nazi scientists to conduct experiments on humans during the Cold War, Terrormax was created as a mind-control serum and also a derivative of peyote, says Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador. Free speech advocates and Internet trolls worldwide believe the law to be a CIA psy-op of sorts, whose endgame was the introduction of Terrormax into the Syrian populace, which would essentially make it a free and democratic society akin to the United States of America.
What little is known about the long-term effects of Terrormax is irrelevant right now as this landmark victory for the sanctity of Internet decency has united the country and all that bullshit going on over there has ceased in celebration of fewer Internet tears.
Lebal Drocer, Inc Security Advisory-0001:
Multiple Cosmic Vulnerabilities in the Universe
Vendor: Gene Ray (http://timecube.com/)
Product: Cubic Time
Versions affected: ALL
Threat Level: Mauve
Cubic Time is a Reality that posits:
"EARTH HAS 4 CORNER
WITHIN SINGLE ROTATION.
1 of God Is Only 1/4 Of God."
Finding 1: Gene Ray’s Cubic Time Reality is Truth, but suffers from a Remote Logic Collision(RLC). This new class of bugs has been pioneered by Lebal Drocer, Inc,’s Chief Security Researcher, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador. “From the outsiders perspective, Ray’s Time Cube Reality is the only absolute truth, but after years of analysis of his cryptic, peer-reviewed text and implementing a small simulation of the Time Cube in a isolated setting– I was able to remotely identify a logic collision which could cause catastrophic events.” he says, “I won’t go into how to crash the universe though,” Troubador said with a crooked smile.
“There are, however ways to use RLC vulnerabilities for the good of the universe and, in turn, mankind. One being, if you applied Hawking’s black hole “Apparent Horizon” theory, using it against a rotating XOR cipher with the gravitational constant, the Time Cube would result in a logic collision, leaking “unmangled” data from the black hole. Essentially, the Apparent Horizon/Time Cube RLC attack can be used to “decrypt” lost data from black holes, which Hawking has said was previously retrievable, yet mangled.”
Patch: Vendor contacted, no reply. Go wild, everyone!
Americans are actually RETARDED from
Religious Academia taught ONEism
The ONEist educated with their flawed 1 eye
perspective (opposite eyes overlay) Cyclops
mentality, inflicts static non pulsating logos
as a fictitious queer same sex transformation.
Finding 2: Severe logic flaw in the Time Cube Reality causes cosmic confusion, resulting in Truth segmentation faults to the unaware. Dr. Troubador elaborates, “While Ray’s Time Cube is logically sound at this point, it suffers from a few misconfigurations in its base system of implementation, which can be leveraged to cause a “neuro-modulating Reality slow-torture cluster” to infuse itself into unwitting victims. The logic flaw above shows that Religious Academia teaches oneness, leading to “queer same sex transformations,” which is preposterous, considering God hates fags.”
Patch: Vendor alerted. No response.
Temporary fix/mitigation: Keep reading www.timecube.com for further englightenment.
This advisory has been brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc., your very own safe, secure blanket of protection from all dangerous things known and unknown. Purchase our products and pay for our security update subscriptions now, today!
Fans and critics alike of controversial reporter Glen Greenwald enjoy the hilarious Dogwald meme.
INTERNET — You may have heard of the popular “doge” meme featuring the silly sideways glance of a lovable Shiba Inu dog, but meet Dogwald, the newest dog-based meme which has local dog lovers chuckling in their cubicles.
Snowden’s recent string of revelations unearthing every government secret from NSA spy programs to GCHQ “virtual sit-ins” targeting Anonymous have jokesters on the web poking fun at Glenn Greenwald, the world famous reporter responsible for breaking Snowden’s best leaks.
Dogwald fans claim Dogwald is a shape changing “weredog” from the Sirius system, instrumental alien from a race hell-bent on destroying America and its freedom by using the typical weredog tactics of controlled leaks and deep secrecy.
While the multitudes of complicated conspiracies surrounding Dogwald are often too much for the general public to swallow, it is well known that weredogs have telepathic surveillance powers which makes the hilariously pathetic power of the NSA pale in comparison.
Local resident Jerry Plainfield told reporters, “I just love that Dogwald. I post his picture on my Facebook now and then and it always gives me a laugh and a few likes. People will post a comment like ‘look at that weredog spying on our thoughts’ and I can’t help but laugh. Even my grandma gets in on the Dogwald fun. It’s the best meme yet.”
“I will spit on you, motherfucker.”
INTERNET — Former convicted street racer, recidivist, and prison escapee Jamie Jo Corne was, until October 2011, a central figure for Anonymous hacktivists as founder and executive editor of Presstorm, progenitor to the controversial YourAnonNews corporation. Corne leveraged her powerful voice as head of Presstorm to criticize the nascent Occupy movement, a very unpopular opinion among her allies in Anonymous. This coupled with mounting evidence of Corne’s involvement in overtly racist marches and exposure of her criminal past spelled the end to Corne’s days in Anonymous, and Corne’s staff at Presstorm dramatically mutinied as Denial of Service attacks shuttered the site. In the wake of this traumatic loss of power, Corne caught herself from the fall in an impressive feat of mental gymnastics which inflated her own sense of control when it was at its weakest. By framing her involvement with Anonymous as an “investigation” – 10 Months Into a Deviant Subculture on the Internet – Corne invoked the ever-popular “social engineer” alibi, inventing manipulations and exaggerations beyond those she was already well known for. In the years since Presstorm, Corne has slipped out of Anonymous regalia and into a redneck guise. After history replayed itself in the recent Anonymous-like falling-out with the Patriot Freedom Network, Corne posted an intensely racist rant which culminated in a cringe-inducing call for farmers to ride their herds into Washington DC and burn all their paper money.
Corne also, unbelievably, seems to have openly called for violent action against President Obama, threatening, (7:30) “This fuckin’ nigger in the office from Kenya has GOT TO GO! . . . Niggers are traitors against the American People! You wanna be a nigger? Fine be a nigger, but you’ll get a bullet in your fuckin’ head for doin’ so.” In the direct aftermath of Corne’s permanent ban from Patriot Freedom Network, Corne also stated that she has only one year left to live due to terminal metastatic brain cancer. Is this cancer yet another manipulative ruse inspired by butthurt, like her so-called Anonymous Investigation? If Corne is truly on death’s door, this racist message hinting at presidential assassination only seems all the more terrifying.
We are ruled by a shadow government.
INTERNET — Snowden’s newest revelation showed the UK’s GCHQ operates a Denial of Service program dubbed “Rolling Thunder” which targeted and shut down AnonOps IRC, a centralized meeting place for Anonymous activists around the world.
Ethical hacking expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “DDoS is the very lowest form of hacking. That is, if you can even call it that. Basically a huge flood of traffic is dispatched to disable a server and anything else in its path. Hackers who carry out these kinds of attacks are known as ‘skids’, a portmanteau of script and kiddies — skids are everywhere shamed and considered the least skilled hackers imaginable.”
Activists from Anonymous face astounding and severe punishments for DDoS attacks, sometimes as much as ten years, as these attacks are assigned a terrorist level threat to national security in the US and UK. However, hackers at the GCHQ who have co-opted the DDoS tactic and turned it against Anonymous face no such punishment, sparking an intense response from Anonymous fans and bloggers. Police forces in both the UK and America have long been known to break the law in order to enforce the law, and some of criticism has been aimed at this age old contradiction, but the level at which innocent bystanders caught in the packet crossfire and non-criminal activists who operated on AnonOps were harmed by these DDoS attacks may never be fully known.
An anonymous GCHQ spokesperson, however, responded to Snowden’s allegations and the resulting storm of criticisms Wednesday morning, telling reporters via encrypted e-mail message, “The GCHQ will DDoS as it sees fit, and just to show Anonymous we mean business, right now we’re taking down their precious 4chan web site. The GCHQ does not forgive. It does not forget. Expect us.”
Snowden came forward with documents which showed a military fracking program is attempting to relieve the Yellowstone supervolcano at the expense of volcanic eruptions in other part of the globe.
NORTH DAKOTA – NSA leaker and hacker Edward Snowden came forward with new documents outlining a military fracking program designed to disrupt the Earth’s crust in order to relieve an impending eruption at Yellowstone National Park, home to the world’s largest supervolcano.
“These documents show that the military has been tampering with the crust in a way the government believes would lead to more volcanic eruptions in other parts of the globe,” Snowden told reporters.
Glenn Greenwald, Snowden-leak spokesman, told Twitter followers the eruptions are a tactic used by the government in an NSA-facilitated assassination plot.
“I’ve felt small earthquakes under my feet, targeting me out for weeks now. So has Snowden, Jeremy Scahill, and Laura Poitras.”
“This supervolcano, if it blew, could destroy the entire continental united states, sinking them beneath the sea like the lost city of Atlantis. We may relieve pressure on Yellowstone and cause other volcanoes to erupt, as we’ve seen in the past week,” said military geologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador.
Clear evidence to support Troubadour’s claims were witnessed by millions in violent eruptions at both Ecuador’s Tungurahua Volcano and Mount Sinabung in Indonesia this weekend.
CIA Director David Patreus said fracking keeps America out of harm’s way.
“Strategic fracking disrupts the local ecologies of neighboring third-world countries. What’s called ‘ecological terror-fracking’ is turning out to be an indespensible tool of Al-Qaida terrorists. We’re just doing it better and more efficiently.”
“The reason we want to police fracking anywhere else in the world, even as we practice it ourselves,” Patreus added,”Well, it’s a national security concern.”
By preserving Yellowstone National Park, Patreus said America can hold off selling the preserve to Nabisco for “at least another seven or eight years.”
One Direction performed a relief concert for the victims of Edward Snowden outside Taminy Hall, in a show of solidarity with the brave men and women behind worldwide US fracking.
Other anti-Snowden protests are scheduled to occur in major cities around the world Saturday, including NYC, Kiev and Moscow.
Tony Hayward will likely be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom
WASHINGTON— In a move that is sure to stir up controversy among his supporters, President Barack Obama announced late Friday afternoon the first of his choices for the 2014 Presidential Medal of Freedom: Tony Hayward, the former chief executive of oil and energy company British Petroleum (BP).
Speaking from the Rose Garden, President Obama said, “Mr. Hayward was a critical, if not the critical component to the quick containment of public opinion of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill.”
When questioned about the sustained effects of the spill, Obama said, “Look, it’s like Tony says: in relation to the size of the ocean, the spill was relatively tiny.” Mr. Obama then added, with a wink towards the first lady, “What’s good for the goose, is great for the gander—am I right?”
Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, chief researcher at Lebal Drocer Laboratories, added, “It ain’t the size of the spill that matters. It’s the motion of the ocean.”
Mr. Hayward left his position as CEO of BP in October 2010. Although there were rumors that his resignation was due to cowardice, or “mishandling” of the oil spill, a BP press release stated that he left with the full confidence and satisfaction of the board of directors. An internal review, which was later declassified, called Hayward’s actions “heroic,” and a “patriotic.”
“After rigorous examination and careful delusion, we have determined T. Hayward’s bravery in the face of public outcry to be not only heroic, but god damn patriotic.”
BP Internal Affairs
Speaking to a White House insider on the condition of anonymity, this reporter can confirm that preparations are already under way for the ceremony, a lavish party to be held at the White House later this year. The ceremony will have a “Gulf Flavor” and “represent the biodiversity of the Gulf that BP had a large role in preserving.” Menu items being considered are: Catfish tartare, Gull kabobs, chocolate covered turtles, and a Pelican spiced ale – all of them sautéed in “a certain oil.”
The first lady is reported to be heavily involved in the planning and overall décor of the event. She wants to emphasize the local flora reminiscent of the darkest days of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. When questioned what exactly this might mean, the insider only said, “It means what you think. Brown. The ceremony is going to be brown.”
The Obamas are intent to play authentic New Orleans music during Mr. Wayward’s ceremony. Ms. Bovina Margot, a White House attaché dispatched to the Gulf to find suitable musicians, said, “They want traditional New Orleans music. They want to give regular, working musicians from the Bayou a chance to come up to Washington.” So far offers to perform have been extended to New Orleans based artists Juvenile, Mannie Fresh, Master P, and a rapper named Skull Duggery.
This decision falls on the nearly four year anniversary of the BP oil spill and on the evening of the State Department’s report to OK the controversial Keystone XL pipeline, a 1700 mile pipeline running from Alberta, Canada to the Gulf Coast in Texas.