CHRONICLE.SU READERS REJOICE DURING MOMENTOUS OCCASION
MOTHER RUSSIA IN PUREST GLORIOUS FORM HAS ANNOUNCED HER GOAL TO RETAKE THE BEAUTIFUL NATION OF TRANSNISTRIA, AND REPURPOSE HER ASSETS FOR WAR.
TRANSNISTRIA IS THE WORLD’S ONLY MODERN SOVIET NATION, WHOSE FLAG STILL FEATURES THE COMMUNIST HAMMER AND SICKLE. IT IS ALSO THE ONLY NATION THE NSA WANTED TO TAP 100%. FOR MORE THAN 20 YEARS, TRANSNISTRIAN CITIZENS FROTHED WITH DESIRED TO RETURN TO THE BOUNTIFUL TIT OF RUSSIA’S BOSOM. NOW IS THAT TIME.
TRANSNISTRIA GLOWS WITH UNABASHED PRIDE AS HER GREATEST ALLY RETURNS IN A SHOW OF DEVOTION TO EACH AND EVERY COMRADE WHO FOUGHT FOR FREEDOM AND WON IT IN THE YEAR 1992.
HOLD FAST, BEWILDERED WEST!
THIS IS NOT WORLD WAR III, YET. THERE IS STILL TIME FOR THAT! BUT FIRST, RUSSIA MUST REGAIN HER SOVIET DARLING, RESTORING HER PEOPLE TO GLORY ONCE AGAIN.
THE UNFINISHED BUSINESS OF TRANSNISTRIA CONFUSES A WORLD WHERE WEAK LEAD THE POWERFUL. THE OBAMA WEST CONVULSED IN A JEALOUS RAGE AS THE VALUE OF TRANSNISTRIAN KUPONS SKYROCKETS, AND STILL, THE PEOPLE OF TRANSNISTRIA PROSPER.
THE COLOSSAL TRANSNISTRIAN STEEL INDUSTRY STRETCHES TAUGHT THE FLESH OF HER BLOSSOMING TEXTILE MILLS, STRIKING BOLDLY INTO THE HEARTS OF CAPITALIST PIG-DOGS THE MARK OF MARX, THE LASH OF LENIN, THE NUMB STING OF JOSEF STALIN, AND THE VOLATILE PURPOSE OF VLADIMIR PUTIN: THE EXUBERANT LEADER OF THE NEW WORLD.
This is it. This is finally the end. It’s over.
INTERNET — As Russian forces storm into Ukraine, strained voices in both the Kremlin and the Pentagon are clamoring for a quick and easy nuclear solution.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, expert in ecological geopolitics, told reporters, “They’ve got their fingers on the nuclear trigger, and it’s only a matter of time. If you thought today’s climate change was bad, just wait until you see the cataclysmic nuclear winter that will instantly reverse global warming and freeze the oceans solid. This is it for the world. Radiation, minds decay.”
Dr. Troubador grew agitated when berated by reporters, shouting, “You will see Iran, North Korea, and China invade Australia, India, and perhaps parts of Africa. What parts of the world aren’t nuked into oblivion will be bloody battlefields where automated drones will gun down anything that moves.”
Snowden, at a TED talk, inside of a telepresence robot.
INTERNET — Edward Snowden’s huge cache of NSA documents seems to be doing a lot to publicize the NSA’s incredible cyberwar capabilities, spread fear and distress among would-be revolutionaries, and cast a light of truth so bright on the government that it risks eclipsing the trespasses and evils of rapidly developing internet monopolies who make the vast majority of their profits by the kind of everyday spying mischaracterized as the business of the NSA.
Thanks to Snowden, we know there must be victims of “parallel investigations.” They have been illegally imprisoned after “legal” NSA surveillance sparked their prosecution, but because it was so “legal,” this evidence was hidden from courts with the nationwide cooperation of local police. No thanks to Snowden, victims of these illegal prosecutions have no access to the necessary documents through which they could right this injustice.
If it were only a matter of an ideological or tactical stance where Snowden believed time and energy were better spent attacking the institutions rather than defending the individuals, that would be understandable. But there are other, possibly connected and troubling things to consider.
Snowden made his first and most important alliance with Glenn Greenwald, a columnist who once used Snowden’s leaks to make a soft claim that news forums on reddit with rules against opinion columns blocked his opinion as part of JTRIG forum moderator infiltration. Greenwald’s tactics failed and the reddit moderators correctly chose not to cave to Greenwald and the army of menacing trolls he is infamous for inspiring.
Greenwald was quickly co-opted, or bought out, by eBay billionaire Pierre Omidyar. The for-profit advocacy publication, The Intercept, also hired Jeremy Scahill. Scahill spoke of Omidyar’s influence as ever-present, characterizing the billionaire as the loudest voice in the room. Greenwald, however, rejected the idea that his reporting could in any way be affected by his new, shiny office that totally isn’t on the eBay campus.
Edward Snowden spoke at SXSW and even used a mobile telepresence robot to participate in a TED talk. He is a pop culture icon, savior of the day. Up there on his telepresent high horse, maybe Snowden has forgotten the task of justice. There is no doubt that he has done his fair share of proselytizing for the case of freedom, but will the NSA’s victims ever be given the documents they need to receive their freedom? And if not, how much longer can an audience put up with this kind of a ‘freedom’ circus? Shark jumping can only take freedom so far.
Fred Phelps’ shocking death bed confessional and secret sermon of love that got him kicked out of the “church of hate”
INTERNET — Fred Phelps was reported dead, Thursday morning, after family members excommunicated the founder from the very church he created. This comes on the heels of a secret and shocking sermon in which Phelps unveiled the church’s secret purpose.
Pastor Phelps told his church in his last sermon, “Westboro’s mission has always been to make Christianity look bad. I have not been a man of faith, but a man of deception and lies. I am a militant atheist and you, my flock, have long been a gaggle of useful idiots. God does not exist, except in the minds of idiots, and this church has existed only as an ongoing prank that got out of hand. My doctor said I have almost no time left to live, but I hope you turn away from these hateful ways which were designed to turn the public against a fake God and lead them towards the light of scientific and humanist love for all people, including fags.”
A church council decided Pastor Fred Phelps had “gone senile” and excommunicated him from the church, banning all communication between church members and its founder. However, other excommunicated family members rushed to the pastor’s death bed. Nate Phelps, who left the church 37 years ago, said, “Our dad, for the first time ever, was completely lucid and sane. He’d given up the act and it was like a demon had left him. He was smiling when he died, and at peace with himself and with everyone on earth. I can understand if no one forgives him, but I have forgiven him.”
Rich white man “cannot take the oppression”
I’ve always cared about freedom, equality, and decency for everyone around me. Sure, I’m a rich white man who doesn’t even have to really work to get along, and I can see why women and people of color are bothered by my very existence. I can almost, if not quite, understand why my voice is nothing more than an annoyance to them. I wish it wasn’t, because otherwise I’d make it rain dollar bills all over the ghettos and subsidize women’s shelters left and right. But I’m not going to, because I’m being oppressed.
The effect of the rhetoric of feminists and people of color on a white male is just terrible. To share the experience that this rhetoric generates in a white man, well, that’s called “derailment,” so shoot me, I’m a derailer right now. To critically participate in a conversation with oppressed groups is to “make it about me” or worse, it is “abusive.”
I’ve been told I must “decenter,” and let go of all the complex emotions that these conversations create in me — after all, putting a voice to them would only be to unleash internalized authoritarian tendencies under the guise of “rationalism” or “critique.” The point of these narratives, I think, has been for me to quietly absorb in an unreflective and silent stupor. Even an innocent question can trigger traumatic memories of oppression, and god forbid I add to the cumbersome load of oppression I in fact intend on understanding and fighting. In effect, I have been systematically silenced.
Although I’ve always intended on helping the oppressed with my fortune, now I know they don’t even want my help. I was falsely led to believe by Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech that bringing people together was the kind of utopia we all wanted to work towards. It turns out Dr. King had internalized the white man’s utopia.
No matter how many times I’ve told people of color to forgive me for my internalized authoritarian tendencies, they just haven’t listened. White people don’t know what they’re saying and how bad it sounds, and surely if they understood they’d not say such things. I’ve been just terribly shocked at the way things I’ve said have been interpreted, and it seems the kind of forgiveness and trust that I’ve extended will never be reciprocated.
Now that I know the horrible pain of oppression and exclusion from a group of people I want to interact with, I understand people of color and women perfectly. I don’t want to give my oppressors any money or even listen to a single word they say. Just to hear them reflect on the story of oppression I have just told opens up deep wounds in my psyche and possibly even racial memories from when my Celtic ancestors were repeatedly oppressed by Romans, Anglo-Saxons, and Vikings. One word from women and people of color and it’s like it’s happening all over again.
Snowden lands at Simferopol airport on board Malaysia Air Flight 370
INTERNET — In a shocking new twist that ties together three popular narratives, NSA leaker Edward Snowden was on board Malaysian Air Flight 370 when it fell off the radar. Evasive maneuvers brought the flight over much of Asia at the dangerously low height of 2,000 feet in order to avoid radar and deliver world-shattering new leaks to the people of Crimea.
WikiLeaks mercenaries have locked down the area around Flight 370, which landed at Simferopol early Tuesday morning. The “Russian Blackwater” in control of the airport have issued an ultimatum, threatening to kill the WikiLeaks mercenaries if they do not surrender within the next 4 hours.
Snowden, speaking on a livestream to the people of the world, declared, “Both Russia and the US have their fingers on the nuclear trigger. I know this because I hacked both of them yesterday, using my connections inside the Russian version of Facebook and my secret backdoors still installed at the NSA. Thanks to the heroic actions of our volunteer pilots and WikiLeaks staff, I have brought Crimeans irrefutable proof that reporting on Crimea has been heavily manipulated by Russian news media psyops in order to spark a nuclear war — the last hope for Putin’s crumbling dictatorship.”
The pair of slides from both Russian and American nuclear power point presentations released by Snowden have experts alarmed that the whistleblower may be correct. Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, geopolitical analyst, said “Immediate de-escalation of war through further leaks is the only way to save the world. Hopefully brave leakers in both hemispheres will come forward with further truths which will save us all from a grim nuclear winter.”
Practical Prepper runs homestead diesel generator on woodgas crossfed from his Ford truck.
INTERNET — Engineer775 of the “Practical Prepper” youtube channel achieved Full “Off The Grid” status Sunday when he connected his homestead to a diesel generator cross-rigged into the woodgasificator on the back of his fully functioning wood-powered 1968 Ford truck.
“I know this looks like a crazy scene, but I got the truck runnin’ on wood, then I drove it over here, on wood. Hooked up the generator, got that runnin. Got that little meter here so I can tell what it’s doin’. And it’s still pretty good,” engineer775 said, as he tested woodgas to power his diesel generator for the first time. “The homestead’s off the grid, running on wood,” he declared.
Secretly acclaimed Wudao prophet Alrart, of Christchurch New Zealand, built a spacetime bus he called the “Tardus” with a similar power supply, an innovation which gave him full reign over any time and place in geological history with vegetable matter or liquid hydrocarbons present on the surface. Using copper rings arranged in resonancee with the earth’s torsion-field, Alrart is able to slip through time with the meager torsion field generated with his woodgas powered 1972 25 Kilowatt Onan 30 EK generator. Because of an effect called torsion fracturing, Alrart now exists in a universe which makes his return to this one forever impossible.
Torsion science, a secret tradition of the Wudao, successfully found the “unified field theory” at the beginning of the 20th century, after refuting the idea of a field. Instead, there is only torsion in an ever-self-contorting geometric object that on the very large scale resembles a point with no dimensions whatsoever. Wudao scientists believe that spacetime is actually shrinking, and it only appears to expand because of spacetime reversions (vacuum).
Thanks to fracking, the Midwest will soon become an inland ocean.
INTERNET — A shocking new study by geologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador shows that great plains regions of the midwest will sink into an “oily” inland salt sea, submerging areas from Detroit to Denver within only a few decades.
Dr. Troubador explained his predictions, saying, “Several underground rivers which shed excess groundwater into the Mississippi basin have been disrupted by hydraulic fracturing operations and will, over the course of the next few years, flood the nation’s most important farming region with a salty sea topped with a rich rainbow oil sheen. Once the shattered land settles beneath the weight of the new sea, it may be up to a mile deep at some points. Tens of millions will be displaced, as one of the planet’s most important farming regions disappears like the ancient civilization of Atlantis.”
Erech Siegfried, a so-called emergency ‘prepper’, responded excitedly to Dr. Troubador’s predictions, saying, “I thought we’d have an oil crash disaster until I found out the huge increase in oil production from these new fracking operations. It bummed me out because I was afraid I’d done all that prepping for nothing, but now all my planning is justified! I just need to trade in some of my ammunition for a boat, like Kevin Costner had in waterworld. God, surviving this thing is going to rule.”
Is this ceremony the popular arm of a highly secret and invisible technoreligion with teleportation systems?
INTERNET — Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, thought lost over the South China Sea, was spotted on the ground at Cleveland Hopkins International Airport. Witnesses saw “hooded figures” entering and exiting the plane, which glowed with an unearthly blue light.
Jeremy Sancrusty, a janitor at the airport, told reporters, “It didn’t take off or land. It just materialized in a blue flash. Then I saw hooded figures step off the plane, their faces all covered in shadows. Some more of them boarded, and with another flash the plane was gone. I think it was some kind of a teleportation technology and them people on it, I have no idea who they were. Didn’t look like aliens. Looked like some kind of secret religion to me. This is pure speculation, but maybe some religion out there’s incorporated all the beliefs of science and has leapfrogged over science itself.”
Expert in comparative mythology the occult, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, said, “Mr. Sancrusty’s claims are in line with current understanding in my field. It is non-controversial that there is at least one occult tradition with far superior technology, possibly capable of teleportation and space travel. We don’t think they are in any way associated with the Illuminati, but are rather a similar organization from southeast asia known to some as the Wudao. Their influence around the world is tremendous, and I would not be at all surprised if they have already found Perfect Language, long sought in the west by hermetic traditions. Some call it the philosopher’s stone, or the holy grail. It is thought the powers and knowledge Perfect Language can bestow are limitless.”
“Black Knights” are vigilantes who strike fear into the hearts of doxxers and trolls everywhere
INTERNET — They’re known as Black Knights and they’ve got a message for serial abusers of women on the internet: “We’re going to hunt you down and kill you in your sleep.”
The alarming new internet trend of trolls and doxxers has caused thousands of suicides of young women and girls. The abuser, or troll, becomes addicted to stalking, harrassing, and targeting a woman, ruining her life in the process. But now, vigilante Black Knights are fighting back.
Unlike so-called White Knights such as the famed knightsec of the hacker collective Anonymous led by Deric Lotsgutter, Black Knights are out for blood and are definitely not revealing their identities. A Black Knight known only as NotAnonymous told reporters, “No one knows we exist. No one knows who we kill. No one knows when we kill. But if you’re ruining women’s lives for fun on the internet, we’ll kill you in your sleep.”
Feminists contribute to bitcoin pools on the darknet, an encrypted “underground” of the internet accessed with Tor software, and the Black Knight can collect payment by placing a bid on the abuser which correctly predicts the target’s time of death.
NotAnonymous refused to elaborate on the mission of the Black Knights. “We don’t have any identity. We aren’t doing this to get laid. Most of us don’t even do it for the bitcoins. We do it for the same reason the abusers do it. For the lulz.”