Snowden has suffered acute radiation poisoning after coming in contact with Polonium 210.
INTERNET — Famed whistleblower Edward Snowden was hospitalized on Wednesday after falling ill from acute Polonium 210 poisoning. Snowden is widely recognized as a hero and a traitor for leaking sensitive information on American spying programs at the NSA. His leaks sparked several wiretapping scandals which embarrassed the United States.
Other prominent victims of Polonium 210 include Yasser Arafat and Alexander Litvinenko. Litvinenko, a former Russian intelligence whistleblower given asylum in the UK, was poisoned after accusing his superiors of ordering an assassination to secure political power. No one has ever been known to survive Polonium 210 poisoning. Because 97% of the world’s supply of the highly radioactive poison is produced in Russia, some experts pointed the finger at Moscow, blaming Vladimir Putin for ordering the death of Snowden.
Rob Ford was seen fucking women on the Internet.
INTERNET — Mayor of Toronto Rob Ford admitted to smoking crack on Tuesday, but a sex tape featuring Ford was released shortly following his tearful apology. Mayor Ford quickly issued a second tearful apology after deleting the first, leading some to compare Mayor Ford’s apology to the recent incident in which Paula Deen cried in multiple revised and deleted apologies for racism.
The women Mayor Rob Ford was seen with on the Internet sex tape appeared to be “incredibly expensive” and possibly underage Asian women caught up in sex trafficking.
Some critics call Toronto North America’s “Mecca” for the sex slave trafficking underworld. Every year, tens of thousands of underage sex slaves arrive in Toronto, where they then are trafficked to major markets in North America.
After deleting his second apology, Mayor Rob Ford issued a third apology in which he promised to clamp down on sex trafficking in Toronto. Mayor Ford will be making the rounds on the television talk shows to cry for audiences.
“Biological” virus discovered by famed computer researcher Kragos Ruyu.
INTERNET — The famous computer researcher Kragos Ruyu tweeted this week about discovering a virus which rewrote itself through a kind of “sexual” interface with other malware, stealing random code and mixing it in tens of thousands of similar “offspring” viruses.
“This thing is like nothing I’ve ever seen, man,” said Kragos Ruyu. “I don’t know how it’s even possible, but it’s happening. Each new generation of virus seems to be smaller, more efficient, and more deadly. This may be the very end for the internet, at least as controlled by human beings.”
Ruyu’s startling discovery has not gone unnoticed in the field of biogenesis, which studies the birth of life in the non-digital world. Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, who studies emergent patterns in simulated computer systems, angrily denied Ruyu’s discovery, saying, “I just can’t believe his evidence, it’s insufficient. We’ve tried to create textured emergent life within computer environments for decades now and we believe it will take us several decades more. That this has happened, seemingly in the digital wild, is preposterous.”
Ruyu fired back at Troubador, ranting, “Militarized virus writing receives billions of dollars in funding around the globe and is the practical equivalent of Dr. Troubador’s so-called science. He better take a closer look at these organic programs and build a theory around that, before I do it first.”
Unlike in science fiction novel Snowcrash by Neal Stephenson, this “biological” virus remains digital and cannot, in fact, infect human beings, claims Ruyu.
New laterally dispersed Chemsheets are equivalent to nearly 100 chemtrails and deployed by a single passenger jet.
INTERNET — Reports of laterally dispersed Chemsheets which appear as a jet liner passes over are reportedly part of a secret crash program by meteorologists at DARPA.
These chemsheets are equivalent to nearly 100 chemtrails deployed by a single passenger jet, and there is now some controversy in the chemtrail science community. They can be broken up into two schools: the Apocalyptics and the Beneficents. Some Chemtrail scientists have seen the chemtrails as an effort in “homeopathic” style drugging and or poisoning of civilians — at times sure that one day, as depicted in the Denver Airport murals, global elites will apply the final lethal dose and rid the world of its overpopulation.
Beneficents believe this theory of the Apocalyptics laughable, because they see the ruling class as smart enough to keep their useful slaves around. Rather than stopping global warming abruptly and with such drastic means, they believe the ruling class, specifically American and West European, are trying to turn climate change in the advantage of Western interests, at the expense of Chinese and Asian ecologies. Each year, targeted seeding in the Atlantic stirs up hurricanes purposefully aimed for the East Coast in order to blow all the pollution from America in a convection current towards Asia. This is why the Beneficents believe deserts are spreading in Africa and all the smog in the world has descended upon mainland China.
With the sharp rise of chemsheets over urban populations, Beneficents can no longer fall upon the argument that chemtrails are too homeopathic to be poisonous or effect the nervous system. Apocalyptic chemtrail scientists have proven beyond a doubt that were the chemsheets composed of Polonium 210 or other poisons, entire city populations could be wiped out with a single attack.
Banksy’s death brings a fresh point of view to his artwork. Certainly he is in hell now.
NEW YORK — Banksy’s New York studio attempted to drop a giant banner spanning the entire George Washington Bridge, which would have said “LONDON RULES, NEW YORK DROOLS,” but police reportedly assailed Banksy before any of the 2,000 banners were successfully hung. Police were tipped off by new spy drones which peer through windows at suspected drug houses and at the hotel rooms of foreign dignitaries.
After evading arrest and reaching for the smartphone in his pocket, which police believed may have been a weapon, Banksy was shot 77 times. No investigation is being held.
Anonymous family members of Banksy asked fans of Banksy not to report on his identity and ignore tabloid media which is making money in a way Banksy would never approve of. Banksy was 64 years old and had three children and will be missed by fans more than any graffiti artist in all of time.
American legislature’s circular design more emphasized than Chinese.
INTERNET — King Arthur and his knights sat at a round table so that none might be seen as sitting at its head. The knights, deciding as a group, accepted the quest for the Holy Grail and set out into the forest individually, entering where each personally felt the forest was at its darkest. None went together, for they all knew that would be shameful cowardice and fear of the dark. Meanwhile, the Grail king sat in his castle, ruling by default with a grievous and fatal wound from the ancient Roman spear which pierced Christ.
Although Arthur’s government is monarchic, the architecture of its meeting hall, a round table, embodies much ideology continued in contemporary Western culture and democratic governance, showing a clear preference for speech without privilege. Coupled with that is the identification of the quest with individuation, as each knight must take a separate, perilously individual path.
Western Ideology has bubbled to consciousness in this story and its architecture. This ideology is set in opposition to the Grail King, who rules by default in a watery castle hidden to the conscious mind, bearing a grievous wound which will not heal. The grail has been depicted in many ways and attributed with various powers, but the boon of the grail quest lies in taking over for the Grail King without suffering from the same unconscious blind spots, indicated by both violent Roman Humanism and Christ’s Passion on display in his wound. Parsifal, because of some poor advice, fails to mention the Grail King’s wound and so fails the quest. Parsifal is told it is impossible to try again, but by now he has learned to ignore advice and succeeds anyway.
The American Senate’s chamber is a bisected circle, a half Arthurian table showing the American mania for competing parties. The President’s Oval Office is a distortion of Arthur’s table, squeezing the idea of equality like the Ancient Greek paradox, “first among equals,” while maintaining its wholeness. The exteriors of government buildings, based on Greek and Roman temples, continue in a design tradition intended to impress with divine authority. They are now left bare and white in reference to the ruins of the temples, an effect which suggests the timelessness of God.
Postmodern Architecturalist, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, believes that many of the problems of the US government are determined by the architecture of state apparatuses. Dr. Troubador, at a round table discussion with fellow Revolutionary Architecturalists, told the press, “You want an end to the two party system? You want better government? Build a circular congress with no aisles and no rows! Seems unwieldy, eh, what with all those people at one round table, but we’ve got the internet now. It’s the biggest damned round table there is, in some places . . . Yeah, there’s still going to be a hierarchy, there’s always going to be hierarchies. People gotta cooperate, make decisions. Thing is, Caesar starts thinking he’s God and it ain’t even his fault, it’s the architecture fucking him up. We don’t need Arthur’s round table, we just need some contemporary version where privileged speech doesn’t emanate from a great podium at the top of stairs to heaven inside of ancient sun bleached Greek temples.”
Lou Reed’s days of influencing musical acts are over, paving the way for more Illuminati mind-control pop music.
MIAMI, FLA – Lou Reed died tragically today at the age of 71, but media has been slow to report on the cause of his death at the hands of Illuminati murderers. Speculation that his death was related to a liver transplant last May proved false when Reed’s doctor, Angstrom H. Troubador, denied that Reed suffered any serious complications from this procedure.
Police report drafting compasses and dollar bills were strewn around Reed’s apartment, along with other assumed calling cards of the Illuminati. FEMA authorities cordoned off Reed’s apartment and evacuated nearby residents for fear of the presence of biological agents. Anonymous members of the Illuminati on Twitter took responsibility for the attack and celebrated by posting memes mocking Reed’s latest collaboration with Metallica, Lulu.
The Illuminati has been “cleaning up” influential musical acts to increase their own influence in the zero-sum game of “Symbolic Craft Masonry.” Since taking out their number one target and enemy, Michael Jackson, Illuminati influence has grown out of control, and as a result freedom has visibly declined. Illuminati members and shills such as Rihanna and Miley Cyrus now firmly control the message of all popular music.
Rasputin spoke with authority that the world will end on August 13, 2013
INTERNET — Rasputin, famed Soviet psychic commando who later secretly joined forces with Stalin, predicted the end of the world in nuclear war on August 23, 2013. Rasputin was widely known for infiltrating the minds of enemy spies and shutting down hundreds of American espionage attempts during the cold war.
Some believe Rasputin was able to enter the mind of Edward Snowden almost a century before he was even born and direct him to turn over NSA files to Soviet Union controlled journalists. In his vision, this sparked a global calamity which culminated in nuclear war. Rasputin said, in his account of this apocalyptic vision, “In a hypnagogic state last night, I lived the entire life of a spy with access to an unfathomably genius contraption invented by Americans, of all people. I could read anything written, anywhere on Earth. I turned the device upon the Americans and brought intelligence to mother Russia. It ignited a global scandal. On August 13, 2013, the world burned in flames. Never before have I had such a terrible vision. Everywhere, survivors scrawled this date as a reminder.”
Rasputin may have died, but some say he illegitimately fathered Vladimir Putin, Russia’s current president.
Rustle League posted images of their DDoS software, RustleNuker2.
INTERNET — Friday, the hacker and trolling ensemble, “Rustle League,” widely known for shutting off the lights at the super bowl last year, took credit for downing the NSA.gov website using a piece of Windows 98 software known as “RustleNuker2.” The cheeky hacker group is defined in opposition to “moralfags” in Anonymous and campaigns against Anonymous with both elite doxings, or identification of so-called “Anons,” as well as advanced pranks.
An NSA spokesperson, Angstrom H. Troubador, pounded on his podium at an impromptu emergency press release. “We will hunt down every last member of Anonymous who did this to us and string them up by their toes with our labyrinthine legal process. We killed Anonymous once, and we’ll kill it again.” When asked if he was going trick or treating, Troubador raged, “Arrest that journalist! Arrest him, he’s from Anonymous! We know about the memes!” The reporter was detained, and the sweaty, red-faced NSA spokesperson declared, “The war on Anonymous and the war on terror are one and the same.”
So-called “Lulz Lizards” multiply infinitely inside ever increasingly more efficient computers.
INTERNET — The Internet’s number one site, The Internet Chronicle, attended an academic lecture on Internet Studies and the Digital Humanities.
“Once shit hits the social media fan, it spreads before the so-called ‘lulz lizards’ can be hunted down. The Hydra’s head is lobbed off only after at least two heads, or variants on the narrative, have already been accepted and the old shit has been forgotten,” said Dr. Troubador, Social Media Maverick Information Anthropologist.
Excitedly, Dr. Troubador revealed his latest invention, the Culturescope, “The Culturescope is a dynamic fractal rendering of all human language inputs in every word passed through the internet at any given time. It’s tapped into the NSA and has huge military funding. Heh. Different branches of Wittgensteinian word-game groupings are fed through an ever-changing algorithm which is based on the instantaneous gestalt rendering of the whole.”
“Watching every conversation in the world as a three-dimensional fractal image blows everyone’s mind. Of course, the beauty of it isn’t what we’re paid for. Heh. What we do is forecast the likelihood of future events. The Culturescope has accurately forecasted events in its few years of test operation with a 98% success rate. The presidential election, Benghazi, and Justin Bieber spitting on a fan’s face. Even that Derick Johansen, employee at Wal Mart, who tweeted that he hated his boss. Obviously we’re through the looking glass, folks. This is the End of the Past. Humanity has punctured the precarious surface tension of time and now dwells in the future.”