TEL AVIV — Rampant rumors on the net have surfaced espousing contradictory narratives about Stephen Hawking, Israel, and the Illuminati. Most popular of these stories is one in which Hawking has refused to appear at a conference in Israel in protest of their wanton killing of Arabs, while other more reliable sources claim he was only sick.
Clearly, the Illuminati’s mind-control hell spawns internet narratives which become deeply embedded into public consciousness because the Illuminati long ago inserted their “hooks” into our “minds.” But why do they want to discredit Israel, their patsy in the Arab world, and why now? Illuminati expert and Jungian Psychoanalyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador says, “Israel cannot continue its course for much longer, especially as more and more nations become destabilized and revert to Islamic states. The Illuminati is turning people against Israel because we’re going to ‘cut them off’, and trust me, you don’t want to be cut off from the Illuminati if you’re a nation-state vying with the Arab world.”
Does this mean that America will duck out of treaties with Israel? What are Stephen Hawking’s fever dreams like? Didn’t Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador just admit to a high position in the Illuminati?
NEW YORK — Wednesday, part of a wing from 9/11 was dug up and hoisted from an alleyway to media fanfare as it was “taken into police custody,” reported Shimon Prokupecz of NBC New York. This shard of wing was exhumed, quite importantly, on the same block as the controversial “ground-zero mosque.” Thursday, Workers at the “Freedom Tower,” which is now officially named One World Trade Center, ceremoniously hoistedthe final part of the building, which will not be installed for many months as they must first hoist all the other parts.
All this glorious hoisting of phallic objects and shards of cthonic airframe comes on the heels of a magnificent and vivid dream recounted now by this author.
Swimming through a shallow lake with a group of people including my suppressed femininity (anima), my child-self, and my shadow, my scattered-self reached a sacred cave inscribed with golden runes. “What does this all mean?” I asked the shadow, who looked around this place with a knowledge that made me suspect he was an alien. “It turns all who swim here into dogs.” I was frightened for a moment, but then realized this was a joke, a ridiculous superstition, and laughed with the shadow. Now across the lake and without these others, I approached an abandoned maintenance hut for the lake which once housed a dusty bandsaw I wanted to take. The bandsaw was now outside on the ground, rusted and broken. “What had it been for?” I asked the shadow. He merely gestured at rotting beams in the nearby cliffside which had once been used for hoisting something which was, only upon reflection, conspicuously missing from the dream. In a pagoda I nervously disassembled and reassembled a bullet, and when I fumbled and spilled its gunpowder there were small computer chips inside. At this time authority figures approached in the form of Chumlee and Big Hoss from Pawn Stars. I didn’t hang around to greet them but soon returned to the pagoda out of curiosity. They looked worn out and tired, and didn’t care to chastise us for the discovery of the computer chips. My child-self discovered scraps from the beam-making and tapped them, producing musical notes like a Hang Drum.
We have plucked the last shard from America’s wounded soil and brought it to a great new unshakable height (1776 feet, precisely). It relieved me of some stress to see the bandsaw rusted, and the Pawn Stars may have looked awfully tired, but they also seemed relieved. They had abandoned their hoisting. I have felt a great peace since having this dream and I believe it symbolizes the resolution of some internal struggle.
The Boston Marathon Bombing has been beaten to death like any other media event and now exists in some sphere subsumed by more present memories of 9/11. It is now an extension of 9/11, part of a chain of events which has only brought greater glory upon “America” through many fantastic opportunities to hoist symbols of triumph.
One never knows when a terrorist may be hiding in a closet or behind the shower curtains, and it’s even better to know that the Muslim across the street isn’t harboring Dzhokhar Tsarnaev — yet.
On April 15, 2013, The Tsarnaev brothers placed two bombs at the Boston Marathon which detonated at 2:49 PM, injuring 282 people and killing three. Despite a proliferation of surveillance imagery of the brothers, they were not identified by Boston police, or if they had been identified, the Boston police did not share their images with the public. Wild speculation on social media pinned the blame on Sunil Tripathi, and the New York Post seemed to confirm this with a front-page photograph implying his guilt. Tripathi, a complete innocent, was soon found dead in the Providence River.
After three days, the FBI took over the investigation and held a press conference to release images of the actual bombers, hoping the public could identify the pair since they could not. The elder brother, Tamerlan, had of course been placed on the terror watch list after visiting Chechnya and professing a belief in the prophet Muhammad, a banality which in no way aided the investigation.
The Tsarnaevs were accosted several hours after the FBI press conference by an MIT officer, but a shootout ensued and the campus cop was shot dead. The brothers carjacked a vehicle and led police on a wild chase which ended in Tamerlan’s death. The younger brother, Dzhokhar, escaped to a nearby boat where he laid critically injured for a whole day, while battalions of stormtroopers fruitlessly raided every house within twenty blocks and authorities completely shut down Boston. Media lavished praise on this costly, ineffective, paranoid, and altogether insane reaction which had little purpose in reality yet made perfect sense to a public gleefully re-enacting the trauma of 9/11.
Those who had their houses raided, of course, were most smitten with the allergic police reaction because it made them feel safe in the midst of uncertainty. Alas, for all the methodical effort and overwhelming force, none thought to look in the small, uncovered boat where the bleeding culprit lay dying. This interagency stormtrooper circus had been planned since 9/11, and all good Americans saw the large-scale home invasion and day-long desertification of Boston as emblematic of strength and courage in the face of evil.
Redditors enjoy a front-page appearance and are aroused as agents storm through their house.
BOSTON — 9/11 fans rejoiced Thursday after Boston Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was arrested by thousands of paramilitary police units which stormed through nearly 10,000 houses in Watertown, systematically invading every home in the area.
Citizens lauded the merciless efficiency and overwhelming numbers of police who found Tsarnaev critically injured and hiding in a boat.
Eagerly jacked into the story developments on corporate-controlled television media, Twitter, Facebook, and in many cases in real life, Redditors ate junk food and excitedly watched police storm through their houses.
A collective sigh of relief echoed through the Twittersphere when the police announced, “CAPTURED!!! The hunt is over. The search is done. The terror is over. And justice has won. Suspect in custody.” Exuberant families ran into the streets chanting, “U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.!”
Police photographers captured the barbarian’s arrest and tweeted it to their quivering, orgasmic fans in real time.
Glorious Stormtroopers accost fiendish Muslim enemy.
Anonymous News Network to serve up the unerring truth — a blatant threat towards the Internet Chronicle’s market-share.
INTERNET — This week, news broke that the YourAnonNews twitter account, with over a million followers, successfully raised $54,000 through merchandising and donations which will go towards founding the Activist News Network. This idea immediately brought painful ties with the abject Nazi-run Presstorm to the memory of critics. Presstorm was an Anonymous-related news site which disintegrated when management ran anti-Occupy scare propaganda at a time when the protest movement was just getting off the ground.
Members of YourAnonNews, with the possible exception of Presstorm collaborators, do not appear to actually write news stories, conduct interviews, or place hard-hitting reporters like Tyler Bass of The Internet Chronicle on the scene at pivotal moments in WikiLeaks history. Rather, YourAnonNews is a marketing-related news-aggregation group which, at its most creative, serves up naive platitudes to as many ravenous teenage radicals as possible and connects hordes of jabbering idiots with the glorious and infallible Internet Chronicle.
A nascent anti-YourAnonNews group, AnonsAgainstYAN, has completely reified and magnified the problems of YourAnonNews by stripping the formula of all news unrelated to YourAnonNews and bringing the anti-platitude platitudes to a new low. This group immediately became wildly popular and led several high-profile members of YourAnonNews to question their affiliation before completely forsaking their Anonymous identification. Because Anonymous swarms form in the same way as locusts — infighting and cannibalism leads to a biological change which turns docile grasshoppers into a frenzy of ravenous locusts — resident Anonymous experts at the Internet Chronicle expect a monumental shitstorm to hit within the week.
A mummified Argentinosaurus has been found under the melting Antarctic ice.
ANTARCTICA — Summer ice melts in Antarctica have revealed land that has been covered since the time of the dinosaurs, and according to Paleontologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, it’s revealed part of the preserved body of one of the largest animals to ever walk the earth. An Argentine expeditionary force, led by General Francisco Acevedo, found the mummified remains of what has been dubbed the Argentinosauros, a one hundred foot long herbivorous sauropod dinosaur.
Until now, scientists did not believe such a large quantity of flesh could be preserved for this long without being mostly replaced by minerals through the process of fossilization. “It must have been flash frozen in a perfectly dry environment for sixty-five million years. There’s still red meat on the thing, and there’s just no question we can easily clone a dinosaur. This is the most unbelievable discovery in human history,” Dr. Troubador said, with conviction.
AMERICA — Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, author of the bestselling do-it-yourself skin cancer removal book Slash and Save, excited fans with the publishing of his newest work, You’re Diseased! In this book, Dr. Troubadoor outlines the deep connection between pleasure and pathology, and he has graciously shared an excerpt from his introduction with the Internet Chronicle.
For many decades, man has known smoking and drinking, although pleasurable, are in fact cause for deep alarm. Just one drink, and you’ve caught the serious sickness known as alcoholism. Like alcohol, soft drinks also bring great pleasure, but did you know if you drink just one, you will also become diseased like an alcoholic? Do you have a loving relationship with a pet? You’re pathologically dependent! Do you and your friends form tight, interdependent bonds? You’re all sick! Do you masturbate or have sex? Nothing could be killing you more quickly! Think that a nice hike in the woods is a simple guiltless pleasure? Your joints don’t. Ever bathed in the warm sun and relished your tan skin afterwards? You’ve been damaged! Do you enjoy eating food? People who eat 30% less live 30% longer, and from this rule I have worked out that every bit of pleasure you experience will take an equal toll on your health. This is what I call the “Pleasure Pathology Principle,” and by eliminating pleasure from our lives not only can we escape every disastrous sickness, but we can learn to live practically forever!
Let’s be honest with ourselves for once. Death is around every corner. While it’s not possible for most people to quit drinking or smoking, one corollary of the “Pleasure Pathology Principle” is what I’ve dubbed “Guilt Stabilization Therapy.” Once a person realizes everything enjoyable is bad and indeed destructive to overall health, he or she is able to reduce the amount of pleasure by experiencing sweet, life-giving guilt. It’s as simple as balancing out all the “good” feelings with “bad” ones which are the only truly good feelings!
Few of us have the strength of will to eliminate all pleasure from our lives, and in fact many who believe they are successful at this task are indeed taking pleasure in eliminating pleasure and will soon die a terrible death. Some may even come to enjoy the normally benign “Guilt Stabilization Therapy,” thus rendering it useless in the quest for endless perfect health. Making your way through life without falling for seductions which will kill you and everyone you know is fraught with far more perils than these, and living in constant fear of your mortality while avoiding all pleasure is the healthiest thing you can do. However, most people don’t know what to be vigilant for and aren’t even aware of the expansive scale of deadly health-reducing pleasures. That’s why I’ve written this book, for the lay person, and I hope you are able to at least remove some Pathological Pleasure from your newly-extended life.
Nude images of Fred Phelps engaged in homosexual acts were leaked by spurned lovers.
WESTBORO BAPTIST — A pornographic image depicting Pastor Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church, famous for picketing the funerals of soldiers with incendiary anti-gay rhetoric, has drawn massive media attention due to its homosexual nature.
The Internet Chronicle has decided to celebrate this momentous occasion by hosting a Fred Phelps gay fan fiction writing contest. We encourage all readers to mail lascivious stories of any length featuring Fred Phelps to email@example.com. The winner of the contest will have their story published and receive a magnificent, but undisclosed, prize*.
Rules are as follows:
No sex act is off the table, and in fact, the more depraved the story the more points.
Real stories of actual incidents of Fred Phelps’ flagrant homosexuality earn more points.
Make sure the subject line of your e-mail reads “FRED PHELPS CONTEST,” and don’t include anything but the story. We don’t care about your comments. Just send the story.
We must be able to masturbate to your story, or it will earn no points.
God hates Fred Phelps because he is a faggot.
* All “prizes” are subject to confiscation and may include surveillance devices to ensure proper use
Ivan Stang will be remembered for his convincing impression of a religious fanatic.
Cleveland Heights, OH — Fans mourn the loss of Doug Smith, also known as Reverend Ivan Stang, who died Friday from a brain-eating amoeba believed to have infected him during the filming of what he called “Animalcule Porn.” Famous for popularizing “J.R. ‘Bob’ Dobbs,” a character stolen from the satirical novel J R, by William Gaddis, Reverend Stang also co-founded the Church of the SubGenius, which is based entirely on the teachings of ‘Bob’.
Last year, Reverend Stang claimed to have resigned from his post as “Living Prophet” at the Church of the SubGenius. Although this claim was quite obviously false, and in fact written by a collaborator known as “Dr. Legume,” the gullible science fiction writer and scare-mongering Cory Doctorow nonetheless took to the SubGenius-controlled media outlet BoingBoing and lamented the retirement of Reverend Stang. This hoax was intended as an affront to an executive at the glorious and infallible Internet Chronicle, who had recently embarrassed and shamed Reverend Stang and his gaggle of blabber-mouth sycophants with a magnificent hoax of his own. It is worth noting, however, that the message of renunciation embedded within both hoaxes seems to have had a synergistic effect which contributed to their action as primary determinates in the unprecedented resignation of Pope Benedict XVI, who secretly forswore Catholicism in favor of a conservative interpretation of the Annals of Inglip.
As expected, Reverend Stang’s death has been covered up by his dissembling flock of pseudo-heresiarchs, a fact which is corroborated by secret fiscal information leaked by sources in Anonymous. These documents show the entirety of the church’s meager funds are now spent on a body double who poorly impersonates the late Reverend Stang. “None of them pinks can tell the difference,” said Dr. Legume, candidly, “And if they can, we don’t want ‘em anyway.”