As chronicle.su strikes up lucrative new advertising deals, rumors suggest Australian media mogul Rupert Murdoch is closing a deal of his own with Lebal Drocer, Inc.
Business analysts predict the transaction could transfer majority control of The Internet Chronicle to News Corp, Murdoch’s multi-national, benevolent corporation.
Longtime Chronicle editors Kilgoar Trout and Hatesec reportedly met with Murdoch on his yacht Monday morning off the coast of Tripoli. The editors are in Libya on an embed with the US Defense Department to document the extraordinary success of the 2011 NATO humanitarian bombing campaign.
After stepping off the yacht, Kilgoar and Hatesec apparently held an impromptu press conference for a bunch of fishermen and dock workers. Speaking in broken Arabic, Hatesec reportedly told the workers that they “would not be taking questions at this time” and to “call our lawyers, you fucking mutts.” The fishermen merely shrugged and sailed off into the Mediterranean.
Empires are vast. This move fits in with Murdoch’s recent consolidation of influential media outlets across the political spectrum. After acquiring VICE, Murdoch set his sights towards other alternative news outlets, in search of the next big thing to contaminate.
An aide to Murdoch, speaking on condition of anonymity, said he came across the Chronicle one night while searching for kiddie porn on the Deep Web. After perusing its contents, his hard-on became stiff as a cricket bat, especially after reading Kilgoar’s Pulitzer Prize winning report on Mel Gibson’s joining Rage Against the Machine.
“Rupert likes honest reporting. He is committed to integrity and truth telling in the newsroom,” the aide said. “So naturally he wants to acquire the Chronicle.”
While Murdoch’s influence is often subtle and benign on his media outlets, it is possible that he will censor the editorial duo at the Chronicle, both of whom are hardline Democrats.
Dr. Angstrum H. Trubidur, a professor of media studies on sabbatical in Benghazi, said of the move, “Hell, them boys Kilgoar and Hatesec? Yeah they don’t know who they’re dealing with. What, they think they are still gonna be able to print hard news? Le’me tell ye, they’ll be going the VICE route before long: glittery, vapid, meaningless reporting while the truth is left on the cutting room floor.”
In a company-wide e-mail sent by Kilgoar right before publication, he assured the staff that their wages and benefits would not be affected if any merger were to happen. Reporters at the Chronicle were relieved as, unlike VICE, the Chronicle is known for paying livable wages to its staff and showering benefits upon even the most meager of its contributors.
When asked to comment on the proposed merger, Hatesec replied via e-mail, “Go fuck yourself.”
New America’s inhabitants are all inside, on the incredible paranoia-free Internet
New America, NM — Citizens in small New Mexico town of New America are taking on both the NSA and corporate data-collectors in a big way with local policies.
New America Mayor Patrick Durndle told the Internet Chronicle, “We’ve adopted our own more patriotic additions to the Bill of Rights for citizens of New America.” Although he admits they do not have any force outside of New American courthouses, he says, “Our municipal internet is implemented with sophisticated cryptography and there’s no fast lane allowed, no mass hoovering of your data. But we believe in the free market! If you want to opt-in and allow marketers to collect your data, you will get a check in the mail.”
New America’s local Bill of Rights states:
- Any human beings’ intentional and unintentional creations and metadata are the natural property of that human being and not that of the state or any other enterprise
- All human beings are entitled to the right to be forgotten on the Internet
- All human beings are entitled to the reasonable expectation of ephemeral privacy, that is, existence outside of coerced eternity in mass data storage.
Democracy Now!, The Real News Network, and other provocative journalism outlets have already put offices and computer servers in New America, applauding its local Bill of Rights on air. Amy Goodman of Democracy Now! told viewers,”The NSA will have real trouble using most of their tools to snoop on our municipal internet, that’s how tight we’ve got the cryptography set up. Our sources can feel extraordinarily safe when communicating with us, and their lives are always on the line. The local Bill of Rights promises to never store or release our personal and professional information without court order and a notification of mass-storage style surveillance.”
Alex Jones, fringe radio anchor, also moved his headquarters to New America and told listeners, “Businesses are flooding into town for the safe internet. Bitcoin bankers, especially, are installing servers in a big way. This is it folks, Bitcoin has a safe zone, a data haven. Freedom has a hold, folks. We’re finally winning. We’ve been looking for this pinhole of light in dark times for decades. I’ve heard that there are these guys, dataheads, hanging around making all their living just by surfing the free local internet. Free Market Free Internet, Rare earth deep earth ionic silver crystals. There’s no need for welfare anymore, it’s all free market. Anyone who doesn’t think New America is the best place for investment opportunities on the entire globe should be killed. That’s how good the economy here is.”
American Ebola patient is seen in plastic Fema camp coffin.
INTERNET — Ebola deaths are mounting across the United States as blood vessels hemorrhage and corpses bloat and turn purple. After President Obama ordered Ebola patients brought into the US, Snowden reports Obama signed a secret executive order rubber stamped by FISA courts to issue a media blackout preventing any reporting on the spread of the disease in the homeland. Untold thousands are already dead, but we’re reporting FEMA military forces descend on the victims and seal them in plastic coffins while they’re still alive.
Some analysts, like Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, believe these bodies are being collected while alive for a final crop dusting of the human population, “It takes only ten thousand bloated Ebola corpses, liquefied and sprayed in the atmosphere, to kill off 90 percent of the world’s population. And that’s what they’ve been gunning for all along. If this Ebola spreads just that far, that will be the end for most humans,” Dr. Troubador warned, adding, “Blacks, Hispanics, and Asians are most susceptible to Ebola and will die off in the greatest numbers, leaving whites in command of the entire planet. This is a culture war.”
We reached Homeland security and spoke to them about the Ebola outbreak coverup in the US. Spokesperson Jeremy Scarhill nodded slowly and half-smiled, saying, “No comment.”
Sean Hannity interviewed the IDF, who took him into a Palestinian smuggler’s tunnel
INTERNET — After interviewing conscripts for the Israeli Defense Forces and visiting a Palestinian smuggler’s tunnel, Sean Hannity reversed his long-standing support for Israel. With tears and a distant look in his eyes, Hannity told viewers, “These tunnels are well constructed and clean, nothing like the mud holes I expected. I realized that for a sophisticated system like this, there must be a terrible, constant, collective hunger and isolation somewhere on the other hellish side. I thought of walking all the way through, even though the tunnel was collapsed. I remembered what Christ said about the meek and I re-evaluated my entire philosophy — every day I stand up and defend the strong, the powerful, the rich and the safe, but from now on I will be a defender of the weak in the example of Christ. I have always spoke from my heart, and not just to appeal to the folks at home. I know this may not be a popular point of view, but God bless those Palestinian children.”
As the Israeli genocide in ghetto Gaza reaches new levels of inhumanity, it seems even the most staunch supporters of Israel are backing down. Hannity’s shocking reversal has all the hallmarks of a religious conversion, but some see the move as calculated. Palestinian blogger Farid Arafat said, pointedly, “It is wonderful, the things he said, but I suspect his viewers to have changed his mind for him.”
Vice Visits a Cancer Village in China
VICE NEWS — We went into the heart of China’s Cancer Villages and shoved cameras into the pained faces of villages of people living out slow deaths, and we even brought Shoenice along to eat some of the tainted street food outside the lead foundry. But that was just the twenty minutes we showed you in our insipid exploitative voyeuristic documentary, an unjust fraction of the pestilence we saw. I spent one night in the Cancer Village and have since developed an acute brain tumor that will kill me. I am incredibly ashamed I didn’t identify the people I interacted with there as true human beings, actual living entities with as many layered meanings to their lives as my own. I can’t stop thinking of the bum I filmed, sleeping in the streets of Chernobyl. Now I am him.
I burned the documentary of my own story and the camera that I filmed it on because I don’t want people to see me like that, as if peering in at me through a keyhole. I felt even worse for those I’d exploited for the sake of profits and yuks, and I thought of following Ayn Rand’s philosophy and burning down Vice News. Instead, I’ve decided to write for Chronicle.SU, and have leveraged a good plan through Obamacare to pay for LSD and Heroin as I document my death.
Cancer’s a bummer, but a whole village of people with cancer is as quiet as death. I felt like I’d stepped into purgatory or hell, a kind of slow hell that God had forgotten, and I was an Atheist. Now I know better, thanks to my friends at Chronicle.su. I know soul and matter to be fused. Nothing’s just a feeling, or everything is, but none of that last gasp of metaphysical nonsense can transfer to you the change The Cancer Village gave to me. I thought of Vice as some kind of activism or beneficent reportage operation, but now I think it’s worse than celebrity tabloids because it goes after people who don’t want attention.
The quantum drive works by exerting unequal forces within a seemingly closed system that is actually open due to different frames of reference within the system.
INTERNET — A new propellantless drive technology first described by Roger Shawyer was confirmed and legitimated by NASA experiments, as a parallel technology has been shown to work in a Chinese lab that arrived at its similar propellantless design through a different theory. Even in its current primordial form, the propellantless (but not reactionless) drive makes much existing space technology hopelessly obsolete. Unlike an ion engine, the preferred technology for efficient maneuvers in orbital space, there is no propellant or need to move through a medium of ions. With the same solar panels as an ion drive, this new drive can produce nearly four times the thrust and operate for ten times longer with less than a tenth of the total weight, and that’s only in its most primitive prototype stage. The magnetron cathodes currently manufactured for satellites are rated for 15 years of operation and are expected to be the limiting factor for the drive’s operation in its current iteration.
Despite hysterical reporting that this drive is “impossible” or somehow breaks established laws of physics, the quantum drive, also known as Em(electromagnetic)Drive or relativity drive, creates motion with a microwave resonance differential in a supercooled chamber designed with a very conservative theoretical framework that has been around for nearly a century. One might assume that different resonances within the supercooled conical chamber could not result in motion because the cone is a closed system (like a man lifting the chair he is sitting in), but its designer says that each end of the chamber has a different frame of reference and is therefore an open system.
During the development of similar but non-conical microwave resonant chambers in the Tesla particle accelerator, “mechanical deformation due to internal EM radiation pressure” was found responsible for detuning the accelerator, yet another description of the effect demonstrated and duplicated in the quantum drive. NASA stated with a must of sour grapes, in contradiction with the assessment of its inventor, that the effect is not attributable to any previously known electromagnetic phenomenon but may work through an “interaction with the quantum vacuum virtual plasma.”
The quantum drive has also been described as a kind of solar sail in space applications, as in that application it transforms radiant energy into motion. Unlike previous solar sails, the quantum drive can direct and control this energy with incredible precision.
Shawyer’s mathematical models project that a more refined version of the technology will be able to lift over 3 tons per kilowatt, a possibility with boggling applications and consequences. Flying cars, space elevators, enormous construction projects in space, colonization of the solar system, geoengineering, terraforming, interstellar probes, and many other science fiction plot devices all of the sudden are more plausible than ever. Read more at emdrive.com.
TOLEDO - Toledo is in a state of emergency today after EPA chemists found a deadly toxin in the water that automatically kills anything it touches. After hours of research, no one yet understands the wretched algal bloom that appeared over Lake Eerie and started coming out of Toledoan’s water faucets Saturday.
The price of water in the midwestern town shot up to $10 per gallon, and the town has been described as a post-apocalyptic nightmare scenario akin to “Raccoon City” of the popular zombie survival videogame Resident Evil.
Experts have suggested the toxic algae bloomed “far beyond” what occurs in nature.
Jim Glube, researcher for the federal EPA, said the water supply was intentionally poisoned.
“I’ve seen this before,” Glube said. “You don’t get algae bloom like this out in the wild without artificial intervention. Someone had to go out on the lake and spread this stuff around.”
Glube said the poisoning could be the work of bioterrorists or some kind of “new world order.”
“The move was so calculated, I’m willing to say this was not just one guy,” Glube told Chronicle investigators. “Based on Eerie’s size, and the magnitude of the spread, my guess is this was a calculated effort to bring about some kind of new world order.”
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour is an editor of the peer-reviewed journal Nature. Troubadour said if the town was poisoned, then “Nestle would know something about it,” because they have private access to the lake, but no one from the company would respond.
“Remember the baby formula thing,” Troubadour said. “Nestle is not very cautious. They don’t care, and they are connected to very, very horrible people who believe access to water is not a basic human right.”
As scientists grapple with how to solve the humanitarian crisis in Toledo, politicians are assuring residents up front that they are working on an alternative water solution. And in the back, they’re asking their corporate donors to donate next year to the PAC instead.
The Toledo Health Department says it is critical residents know the following:
- It is safe for healthy adults to bathe, but do not let the water stay on your skin longer than a few minutes.
- Do not drink tap water until the ‘all clear’ has been given. This also includes pets.
- Do not use tap water to cook.
- Do not boil tap water, as this increases the concentration of toxins.
- It is OK to use your toilet, as long as no water splashes up into your butt hole.
- If you’re on well water, have your well water tested daily. If the poisoning was intentional, there is no way to tell who is being targeted or how far the killers will go
FaceFuck allows you to find lookalike pornstars by integrating with your friends on facebook
INTERNET — The new FaceFuck porn app allows you to link your Facebook friends into a database of lookalike pornstars and stream from a database of over ten million videos for $2.99 a month. FaceFuck chief executive Peter L. Hayman explained the process excitedly, saying, “We’ve known for a long time that we’re sitting on a goldmine of nearly infinite porn, but there’s never been a good way to find just what your dick needs except by luck or hours of study. That type of browsing is totally obsolete with FaceFuck, where finding just the right porn stars for your fantasies is as easy as surfing Facebook. Once you install FaceFuck, all you need to do is click on that special someone who’s got you horny and FaceFuck will take you straight to a plethora of lookalikes in every position you could imagine.”
Mark Zuckerborg, founder and creator of Facebook, threatened to sue Peter L. Hayman, saying, “Facebook has always been a family-oriented operation and Peter Hayman’s earned himself a lifetime ban.”
Popular feminist voices issued stern warnings that FaceFuck would encourage the male gaze and, in the words of Lauralie Penny, “Deepen rape culture to levels which will trigger historic dialectical forces which necessitate a violent revolution for women’s rights.” She quickly deleted the tweet, but not before trolls took to the previously ironic #killallmen hashtag and issued their disgust at such oppressive and silencing speech that made them fear for their very right to exist.
Alex Jones was known for spearheading the “truther” movement and uncovering the truth behind every lie the government tells.
INTERNET — Alex Jones disappeared Saturday, leaving friends and family wondering if secret globalist police forces have finally silenced the man who knew too much.
Geopolitical expert and analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “I think this is the last we’ve heard from Alex Jones. No one was able to speak the truth like Alex Jones, and it’s amazing that he was able to operate for so long without being silenced. But as his audience has grown, supplanting the mainstream media and influencing more people than any political show in the US, the globalists have grown anxious and the pressure is on. Whether they killed him or he escaped, he won’t be back. And if he is, it won’t be him. It will be a puppet replacement controlled by globalists. This is the canary in the coalmine, the first attack that will usher in mass genocide that has been in the works for decades.”
The global elites dropped a few hints in mainstream reporting about the fate of Alex Jones, but otherwise totally blacked out reporting on his disappearance. Meanwhile, signs of oncoming cataclysmic world war and genocide on an unimaginable scale are mounting. Ebola outbreaks rage across Africa, airplanes of civilians are being shot down over Ukraine, and rockets are landing all over Israel leaving thousands dead each day. In America, tens of thousands of warrior children hired by Latin American drug cartels are being let across the borders by Obama, and in just a few years they will mature to finish off the culture war once and for all.
Some Alex Jones listeners held vigils and dared to hope that Jones slipped the noose and escaped to an unknown safe haven. At one vigil, Clay Henderson held his clenched fist in the air and sang lines from a Willie Nelson song which confesses and laments the globalist extermination plan that is finally unraveling, “Ring around the rosy, pocket full of posy. Ashes to ashes, we all fall down.”
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