Category: News

Folks across the nation are breathing in the clean, natural air of hopeful optimism with the COVID-19 pandemic now reduced to the status of the flu or the common cold. Herd immunity has finally kicked in, and Americans are again feeling cautiously safe and optimistic about the future.

“I’m optimistic that 2024 will be better than the past few years,” Benny Johnson told reporters. “It just has to be, right? It can’t get worse than this.”

However, most analysts strongly disagree with this new positive attitude. The consensus among trendcasters is that centuries of decline for human civilization are ahead, with no possible course correction.

“The conflict in Ukraine is continuing and even showing signs of intensifying. Meanwhile, the violent expulsion of Palestinians from Gaza by the Israeli military has widened into a conflict that has costly implications for global shipping routes,” Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of the Future Institute told reporters. “The desperate financial optimism for computing businesses represents a dire overvaluation of an industry which is beginning to show signs of strain, with record layoffs for software companies in 2023. It’s only a matter of time before we see some major players go under. Another dotcom bust is on the bingo card for next year, and the second great depression to follow will ignite powder kegs on every continent.”

Dr. Troubador growled, like an animal, inspiring pangs of fear in the terrorized press corp assembled outside Lebal Drocer, Inc. “Among the most over-optimistic of all people are climate protestors who believe that there is any possible way to slow or undo changing weather patterns that are increasingly deadly to human life. The truth is that without the ever growing emissions there’s just no way to currently support the ever increasing population. By 2070, I predict there will be mosquitoes the size of pickup trucks, capable of sucking people dry through the spacesuits they’ll need to survive outdoors.” Troubador twisted the rhetorical knife with a grim half smile, adding, “Snake oil sales, however, are through the roof. Remember folks, TerrorMax is the one and only FDA-free drug manufactured, packaged, and shipped by drone from international waters that also fully treats the terror of historic forces beyond your control. Take TerrorMax now. Don’t settle for that ol’ wives’ tale that booze and dope is enough when you have thousands of dial-a-yield doomsday weapons in the death grips of absolute madmen. Take matters into your own hands.”

ORLANDO — Fans mourn the loss of Clayton Huff, better known as the Minecraft YouTuber Dream, after friends found him dead in his apartment from an apparent overdose.

Orlando police chief Clint Saunders told reporters, “Mr. Huff died suddenly and tragically. Our investigation revealed a toxic concentration of fentanyl in his bloodstream and we have not yet ruled out foul play. However, we are also investigating Mr. Huff over sexual complaints from many young women and girls in the area.”

Dream’s death was immediately sullied by fellow content creators, looking to cash in on the millions of potential views in rushing to be the first to deliver the grim news.

“Dream still had his mask on, slouched over his keyboard with several instances of Minecraft running. He passes out like this all the time, but when he didn’t move for a while I tried to help him and he was colder than a crisp, energizing bottle of G-Fuel,” Sapnap told his fans, taking a long swig of the cool drink just moments before calling in the YouTuber’s death to emergency services.

Police are looking into the possibility of foul play, after a fury of questions raised by fans who were suspicious of the live-streamed death announcement.

“I mean I get it, anything can be content. When Dream cheated a little bit in Minecraft, well at least he was making money. But starting up a stream before calling the cops? It’s either suspicious or depraved, I’m not sure which,” said Nancy Howard, mother of little Jeremy Howard, who only calms down when she puts on YouTube. “I don’t like the example they’re setting for my boy.”

Sapnap further angered friends and family of Dream by reading out an alleged suicide note, directed at haters. This video went viral when xQc, known for his famous worm-like reactions, live streamed himself crawling around on the carpet of his apartment and moaning triumphantly as Sapnap read out the suicide note, “Soon, everyone on Earth will know who I am and my death will be BURNED into their memories. Finally my album will get the radio play it deserves, and none of the trolls can send me to prison with their false accusations. I WIN. THE END.”

Tucson, Ariz.—A group of Federal Correctional Institution inmates has been cleared of wrongdoing in two internal investigations into allegations of misconduct against the group and the key figure who stabbed Derek Chauvin, the Minneapolis police officer convicted of murdering George Floyd, a source on the inside told Internet Chronicle on Saturday.

The cell block inmate leading the investigation has also recommended that his accusers themselves be investigated for making false statements.

Inmates acted quickly to perform life-saving measures on Chauvin. One man, who was not authorized to publicly discuss details of the attack and rescue, spoke to Internet Chronicle on the condition of anonymity.

“I saw he was bleeding from the neck,” the inmate said. “Because Blue Lives Matter, I could not let this man go out on my watch. Using one knee I applied nine minutes of life saving pressure to the airway and jugular vein.”

He said other inmates were outraged.

“One guy said, ‘Get off him. You’re saving him,'” the inmate told Chronicle. “I was just chillin. I said, ‘No I’m not.’ I knew that honkey was breathing.”

Chauvin’s tweeting is the second high-profile attack on a federal prisoner this year. In July, disgraced sports medicine asshole Larry Nassar was stabbed by a fellow inmate in Florida: An attack inmates said was his word against theirs.

Chauvin is serving a 21-year federal sentence for violating Floyd’s civil rights and a 22-year sentence for second-degree murder, putting him dangerously at risk of hurting himself again at an as-yet undisclosed date and time.