Neil deGrasse Tyson’s “satanic rant” on the set of Cosmos

Was Neil Tyson possessed by Satan on the set of Cosmos?

Was Neil Tyson possessed by Satan on the set of Cosmos?

INTERNET — Workers on the set of of Neil deGrasse Tyson’s Cosmos reported what some called a “demonic possession” which overtook the pop scientist.

“He was frothing at the mouth, his eyes opened wide. I saw pain shoot across his face, like he was being whipped. Neil declared something like, ‘I am the source! I AM Dark Energy! I AM THE DARKNESS! The white man’s voice is the demon. I am the demon,’ and he flung himself at the camera crew, smashing one and giving a cameraman a black eye,” said one anonymous witness, who added, “He didn’t specifically say anything about the devil, but I was afraid for my life. He passed out and when he woke up he had no memory of what he’d done. He’s never used that voice before or since.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, expert in psychology, dismissed the episode as meaningless, saying, “Tyson was under a lot of stress from all the compromises he had to make to appease producers who wanted the show to be more entertaining. The hot lights of the studio have long been known to trigger such episodes, even in the most mentally healthy and stable of us. Anyway, there’s no such thing as demons.”

Body Thieves infiltrate online dating

The following story is perhaps impossible to believe — nobody knows this more than I — but I swear every word of what I relate is true. Were I to tell this story and associate it with my identity, I’d be ridiculed or put in a mental hospital. But I have to tell this story or my silence will drive me insane.

I met her on OkCupid, a free dating website. In retrospect, I think her profile was designed to attract me. I’d been really beefing up and lifting weights. I visited a forum on Reddit every day called The Red Pill, and I learned that women like men who are assholes. It made a lot of sense, back then, and it even worked.

The guys on The Red Pill never agreed on the topic of marriage. Some saw it as slavery, others saw it as settling down. I thought it was natural and acceptable step for the aging man, and a necessary kind of economic and reproductive evil. I figured any power a woman might have over me was totally evil, so I’d been fucking multiple women and ditching them if they even hinted at more. We called it “spinning plates” on The Red Pill.

But I loved her. At The Red Pill, men talked about finding the girl of their dreams, that “unicorn” that can’t really exist. Love was just a cocktail of chemicals pumped out by some gland, and even newbies knew better than to fall for that trick of evolution. But it happened slow enough that I didn’t notice it. Usually I’d pressed women for pictures or a meeting in real life almost as soon as I’d introduced myself, but she’d been far too interesting to forget about. The one picture she did share only showed her mouth, and it had been more than enough to convince me she was a perfect 10.

I know she must have done her research because she knew everything there was to know about me. She had seen all my favorite movies, read all my favorite books, and played all my favorite video games. It was a month before she showed me a picture of her face, and at that moment I realized I’d been in love with her for some time. I couldn’t think about The Red Pill or worry about what they’d think of me, and I stopped visiting the forum. I spent days lying in bed as fantasies of Scarlet — that was her name — played through my head on repeat.

I met her for the first time at the Smithsonian, and we walked through an exhibit on hominids and other human ancestors. She kept giggling, and I suppose it makes sense now, but she would not explain what was so funny. I was terribly upset that she may have found me somehow stupid or silly looking now that she’d met me.

After coffee, we went to her small apartment and laid in her bed. She stared into my eyes, and for a moment I knew I could never think of love as some bogus chemical cocktail that just gives women power. But as soon as I’d felt that, her eyes seemed to grow and grow until nothing was left of my world but the blackness of her pupils. It was as if the warmth of that love I’d felt so strongly had just inverted into an empty coldness. In the next moment I was looking through her tears, crying in involuntary pain as he raped me. He giggled, like he had in the Smithsonian, and strangled my neck as I struggled to escape. The words he growled I can hardly remember, but he told me he was immortal, that he liked owning my body, and that he hoped I enjoyed being a woman. He said these things because it got him off, and just before he choked me into unconsciousness I expected to wake up, sweaty from the nightmare. I woke up just a few minutes later, bruises on my neck, blood and spunk between my legs. The body thief was gone, off somewhere living my life.

I think Scarlet’s life is in many ways more fulfilling and happy than my previous life but for one thing: I look for the body thief’s face in every crowd, so I stay at home more than I should. I am sure I have seen him behind many eyes.

Heroin Epidemic Benefits Heroin Users

Jeff Norment loves heroin.

Jeff Norment loves heroin.

RICHMOND, Va. – As state and local police bark outrage into TV cameras about ‘drug abuse’ and ‘urban decay’, lamenting spikes in violent crime, one often-overlooked piece of the picture in the war on drugs is the people actually using drugs.

To people like 27-year-old Jeff Norment, the heroin coming down I-75 from Detroit is “a God-send.” Norment says heroin has improved his life considerably, although his point of view is often brushed aside in favor of order and public safety.

“I was eating 20 and 40 pills a day, you name it, I was doing it,” Norment said, looking real cool. “But it was hell on my liver. But now that I’m on heroin – I’m in Heaven!”

Norment argued that the Richmond media – TV news in particular – does not represent all sides of the story, with a tendency to favor police and marginalize victims.

“Typical TV news story: we went to the Richmond police. We went to the state police,” Norment said. “But they didn’t come a-callin’ for old Jeff, saying, ‘Jeff how you liking them drugs?’ Now how are you gonna call that objective journalism and tell me I’m the bad guy?”

Norment argued that his voice is the missing piece of the story of a so-called ‘heroin epidemic’ in Richmond.

“I smoke crack on the reg. I snort dust on the reg. I shoot heroin on the reg, and you don’t see me committing no crimes. I just like me the rush, is all. And I like to lay here on this sofa playing PlayStation.”

Norment, who lives near the Grace Street Police Station, said police knock on his door almost every day – sometimes looking for suspects – sometimes just to break his balls.

“I know it ain’t good for me,” Norment said, rolling his eyes. “They’re always telling me that.”

Norment said if it weren’t for the police, he would have fewer problems.

“Thanks to heroin,” Norment said, “I’ve dodged a few bullets, both figuratively and literally. Shit, heroin even helps me escape the crushing reality of using heroin.”

28-year-old VCU alum Stephen Ascot says heroin affords him a certain lifestyle. The only difference, Ascot said, is that he is not on heroin.

“My weed dealer across the street gets me what I need, but he doesn’t give me heroin,” Ascot said. “I just know he’s going to be there, because he is on heroin.”

Richmond Police Captain Mike Ebert said drugs might feel good now, but addicts will “be pretty sore” about the crackdown on horse pouring in from Detroit.

“It’s easy to get addicted to the stuff, you just put it in your arm,” Ebert said. “But they’re going to be pretty sore about it when there ain’t no more heroin left for sale on the streets, after they do it all up.”

Ebert said his department is working with state police to set up checkpoints along the I-75 corridor to catch heroin traffickers coming down from the Motor City.

“Of course, the stops are designed to appear random,” he said. “But they’re not. We’ll know who to stop.”

This news is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals.

Heroin is SWEET

Snowden documents expose Bitcoin NSA plot

Explosive new documents, originally obtained by NSA leaker Edward Snowden and seen by The Internet Chronicle, reveal how the NSA conspired to create the popular Bitcoin “cyrptocurrency”. NSA’s immediate aim was to track cyber terrorists and other criminals, but also to undermine the very concept of a decentralized, anonymous electronic currency, and by extension, the ideals of technolibertarianism and cyberanarchism.

Powerpoint slides provided to The Internet Chronicle detail the NSA’s concerns about the promise of so-called cryptocurrency. NSA mathematicians devised the initial proposal for Bitcoin in concert with Satoshi Nakamoto, a defence and intelligence contractor who would act as the new currency’s public front-man. The slides go so far as to speculate that even if Nakamoto’s intel ties were exposed, a gullible public would presume he had simply “gone rogue” due to sincerely held political beliefs.

In a bizarre twist, The Chronicle’s source (who has asked to remain anonymous) claims that journalists at First Look Media, the current owner of the Snowden leak stockpile, are under instruction not to report on the Bitcoin plot. The source refused to elaborate.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, the Chronicle’s resident Intelligence & Cyberculture expert, believes First Look’s silence is under direct instruction from its owner, Pierre Omidyar, himself. “Omidyar, ironically, is a natural ally of NSA in the Bitcoin conspiracy, due to his financial interest in PayPal. He would no doubt love to see cryptocurrency wither on the cyber-vine, so to speak. Ebay is also an important partner to federal agencies, both law enforcement and intelligence. It’s easy to see why he would be so keen to invest a quarter of a billion dollars to gain control of the Snowden material, and the few bloggers naively doing their best to report on it.”

Omidyar Network and First Look Media were not available for comment.

George Bush To Retake US Presidency

Future President George Bush a-huntin' them Reds

Future President George Bush a-huntin’ them Reds

A great leader once asked, “How’s that hopey, changey stuff workin’ out for ya?”

America found her answer. Former President George W. Bush announced a plan Monday to “take America back,” starting with a campaign to reignite nationalism in the American people.

“We’re gonna, you know, we’re gonna take America back,” Bush said, with a gleam in his eye, “We’ll return this great nation to its former glory.”

Bush said America needs a new image of strength and prosperity – a picture of change it can believe in. Village elders close to the president have said Bush began his “spirit campaign” two years ago, starting with impressionist paintings.

George Bush's shower painting

This artwork demonstrated that Bush is still a human being.

“I’ve talked with village elders. I’ve spoken to the proletariat. America’s sat by too long watching a womanly president fuck things up beyond recognition,” Bush said. “I think it’s time we took this country in the right direction. Don’t believe me? Look at this way: Are we better off now than we were in 2008?”

New photos surfaced of a strong, bear-like President Bush dressed for hunting, knowing it will inspire Americans to take up arms against the Red menace in the Ukraine.

A protest scheduled May 16 will give Americans their chance to register grievances in Washington, D.C. and call for the overthrow of the Obama regime. Demonstrators said they will call for the reinstatement of a further-right Bush doctrine “that would make the Tea Party look like a six-year-old’s imaginary affair.”

President Bush is expected to take office before the 2016 presidential election if necessary, but insiders caution that he could better secure “legitimacy” by waiting for a “vote” next year.


Snowden and Pussy Riot fled Russia before dumping power point plans for European invasion

Snowden and Pussy Riot fled Russia before dumping power point plans for European invasion

INTERNET — Edward Snowden, famed NSA leaker, fled Russia Monday before dumping a database of power point presentations outlining Russia’s plans to invade Eastern Europe and rebuild the USSR under the new “Eurasian Union.”

Speaking from a hotel room in Tehran, Snowden denounced Putin’s imperial ambitions, saying, “I can no longer stay in Russia with knowledge of the impending invasion of Eastern Europe. If I had spoken my mind on this matter without a safe harbor in Iran, I’d have surely been disappeared or poisoned with polonium like other Russian dissidents.”

Snowden was joined in Tehran by members of Pussy Riot, and Nadya Tolokno also spoke to reporters, saying, “Here in Tehran we can openly wear our masks in public without fear of persecution. We can speak against Putin and the Orthodox church freely and without fear of punishment, so we have joined Snowden in exile.”

Critics of Pussy Riot and Snowden contest that sheltering under Tehran’s oppressive theocracy does their cause little good, while most supporters disagree. Pussy Riot and Snowden fan Jeremy Brown told reporters, “It’s all about keeping the fight going. I wouldn’t care if they were sheltered by Satan himself, as long as they didn’t wind up in some gulag that silenced them. So what if some Iranians practice genital mutilations or brutally silence their dissidents? Do you expect Nadya or Snowden to martyr themselves? That’s so last century.”

Glenn Greenwild bullies internet

Greenwild leers at the audience with sheer hate, because he knows they have been misled their entire lives by JTRIG psyops beamed into their homes.

Greenwild leers at the audience with sheer hate, because he knows they have been misled their entire lives by JTRIG psyops beamed into their homes.

INTERNET — Glenn Greenwild, investigative dispatcher working under the banner of powerful billionaire Pierre Omidyar’s Snowden News Network (SNN), attacked Reddit moderators Friday for intense and directed shilling in concert with British GCHQ JTRIG psychological operations.

According to Greenwild, Reddit’s r/news forum’s repeated and determined removal of his dispatch is a sure sign of ubiquitous JTRIG infiltrators. Moderators at r/news explained that they have a policy against opinion pieces which merely reflects their category and not their bias, although they have made exceptions for Greenwild’s dispatches in the past due to the importance of Snowden related news, which is often exclusively released in the form of Greenwild’s opinion.

Millions of internet bullies, drunk on Greenwild’s rhetoric, descended on the moderators of r/news with predatory personal attacks. Stunned and terrified, one moderator who wished to remain Anonymous said, “I didn’t know the distinction between opinion and journalism could cause such controversy. We do have subreddits where Greenwild’s opinion is welcome, but I didn’t think it fit in our category until my life and ethical integrity felt threatened. Exposing these psychological operations on the part of the British government is far more important than our stickler policy against opinion pieces. There’s opinion in everything, as Greenwild says, so therefore everything is merely opinion. There is no such thing as journalism. I’d like everyone to know I’ve never worked for JTRIG and I support Snowden with all my heart. Please, I’m on your side. I never asked for this abuse.”

Enemies of freedom, however, have stepped forward to accuse Pierre Omidyar of contributing hundreds of thousands of dollars to Ukrainian dissent groups, buttressing the West’s most important front in the “new cold war.” Some say that this policy conflicts with the aims of the Snowden News Network and Greenwild’s rhetoric, but of course we all know this stinks of yet more JTRIG psychological operations.

Justin Bieber brain dead after smoking “Wax”

Justin Bieber was caught smoking weed in 2013 and has been hospitalized for a "wax" overdose

Justin Bieber was caught smoking weed in 2013 and has been hospitalized for a “wax” overdose

INTERNET — Justin Bieber was hospitalized Thursday after taking what his friends described as an “astounding dose of wax,” the ultimate purified form of marijuana. Bieber was declared brain dead on arrival and Dr. Troubador of Los Santos Hospital told reporters, “There is almost no chance Bieber will come out of the coma, but we’re still hopeful. We are asking fans not to assemble outside of the hospital as this may impede emergency vehicles.”

Photos of Bieber’s out of control marijuana habits were published earlier this year on famed celebrity news site TMZ. Police seized Bieber’s Escalade Wednesday, finding a massive stash of the potent wax.

Dr. Troubador told the press, “For a long time people have considered cannabis a ‘gateway drug’, dangerous only for its ability to make young people crave a harder buzz, like that of heroin or crack. But we’re going to have to reassess this point of view now that wax manufacturers are stepping up production of this very dangerous and even potentially fatal drug. Every day we have hundreds of wax addicts wheeled into the emergency room, totally brain dead. Marijuana is not a gateway drug anymore. Wax is the most dangerous drug on the streets. Bieber is just another young life stolen by the insidious weed byproduct.”

Internet “runs out of new memes”

Cololo, credited as the last original meme creator, died last year leaving the Internet deprived of novelty.

Cololo, credited as the last original meme creator, died last year leaving the Internet deprived of novelty.

INTERNET — A controversial new study which incorporated all the data of the internet over the course of the last decade, graciously provided by the NSA, has led Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador to make a startling conclusion. According to Troubador, no new culture has been created in two years, and any art which appears ‘new’ was created before what he calls the “cultural peak” two years ago.

Dr. Troubador told reporters, “Starting with just the corpus of text out there, we quickly found that two years ago there was a ‘tipping point’ where every possible song, poem, or novel had already been written. Then we looked at music, and saw that all the melodies had been mapped out at that same time. We looked at videos and images and found the same thing again. Even all the possible intergenre mashups and recombinations were exhausted. We even found our own study, written word for word by spam bots.”

However, Dr. Cecilia Darwin criticized Dr. Troubador’s methods, saying, “This collection of data only confirms what we already suspected, and the premise of Angstrom’s analysis is faulty. Sure, there is a multitude of information so vast that every imaginable combination of symbols has already been set down somewhere on the internet, by spam bots as much as by humans, but to presume that this has somehow exhausted ‘novelty’ is only true in the narrowest sense. The symbols have to be interpreted or inscribed with meaning, and this is an ongoing and never ending genesis.”

Burj Khalifa destroyed by Christian Extremists

The world's second tallest building, the Burj Khalifa, was destroyed by the impact of seven hijacked intercontinental spaceplanes.

The world’s second tallest building, the Burj Khalifa, was destroyed by the impact of seven hijacked intercontinental spaceplanes.

DUBAI — The Christian fundamentalist extremist terror organization “God’s Foundation,” led by Jamie Jo Horne, crashed seven hijacked spaceplanes into the Burj Dubai, the world’s second largest skyscraper. Officials say “Hundreds of thousands” were evacuated only to be crushed by falling debris.

Erech Al-Ansur, mayor of Dubai, told reporters at an emergency press conference, “Twelve other buildings seem to have disappeared underneath the mountainous pile of twisted metal and concrete which is approximately the size of twenty Pyramids of Giza and covers three square miles. Rescue efforts will continue for the foreseeable future. Today is perhaps the worst disaster in human history in terms of brute terror and also in terms of numbers killed. Over a million may have died today.”

The high-speed intercontinental passenger spaceplanes hijacked by God’s Foundation were filled with liquid oxygen which may have flash frozen structural beams before combining with other fuels and igniting. According to expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, “These fuels burn at temperatures which approach a supernova-like cosmic event.”

Videos of poor and downtrodden Americans in the streets waving tattered American flags in celebration were played on news stations across the Arab world, prompting the Islamic Federated Union’s Ayatollah Khamman the Great to announce, “We will smoke Jamie Jo Horne out of her Appalachian cave systems and rain hell on her organization. Christian Fundamentalist Terror is a threat to the stability of the world, and peaceful nations of the world stand behind us in the ongoing war on Christian terror.”