Dzhokhar Tsarnaev reportedly flew into a rage when Boston won the Pennant Saturday night.
BOSTON — Dzohkhar Tsarnaev, terrorist infamous for Boston Marathon Bombings, flew into a rage Saturday night when the Red Sox won the National League Pennant. Tsarnaev has been unable to speak due to extensive injuries inflicted during the protracted shootout following the bombing, but he was able to angrily scrawl on a piece of notebook paper, “I hate Boston and nothing made me angrier than the amazing grand slam which sealed the victory for the Red Sox. Allahu Akhbar! The Sox have no chance against the Cardinals in the upcoming World Series.”
Shocked Red Sox fans attempted to storm Tsarnaev’s fortified hospital room, but were met with armed resistance by paramilitary shock troopers called in to protect the mass murdering terrorist. Angry Red Sox fan, Gerald MacDonald, told reporters, “I don’t understand why he bombed a marathon if he just wanted to talk shit about baseball. I mean, why not just bomb the baseball fans?”
An Alien Space Craft in Hollywood picked up Giorgio Tsoukalos Monday.
HOLLYWOOD — Giorgio Tsoukalos, host of Ancient Aliens, was reportedly picked up by a UFO Monday evening. Friends saw Tsoukalos ascending in a beam of light and changing strangely as he ascended. David Childress, expert in Shamanic abductions, said, “His head grew and grew, my God, it was terrible. He began to glow, it looked like his atoms were fusing. He became a ball of plasma or something, and several other balls of light were circling around, beaming him with some kind of radiation. They joined into one blinding, spheric thing that looked like a small sun. It shot off at an impossible speed.”
Friends earlier noticed electric anomalies and a static charge which stained the skin of Tsoukalos orange and made his hair stand up all the time. George Noory, host of Coast to Coast AM, said, “It was the weirdest thing. He told me once that he had been visited by balls of light, but he didn’t want to talk about it on the show. He said his brain had grown that night, years ago, and ever since then he’d interfere with electronic devices occasionally.”
Tsoukalos was later reached for interview, and said, “I can ascend and descend between the mortal realm and the Alien whenever I like, now, as many men in ancient history such as Jesus, Muhammad, and other great prophets. I have contacted the source of all, Aliens, and I can attest to the fact that all Ancient Alien theories are in fact truer than I ever imagined.”
Marijuana overdose claims another victim as high potency “dabs” push toxicity levels to a new high.
INERNET — Dustin Miller, famed MC known as D-Loc of the Kottonmouth Kings rap group, died Monday evening after taking a fatal dose of highly potent marijauna extract known colloquially as “dab.” Fellow Kottonmouth Kings member Daddy X told reporters, “Yo, D-Loc is up in heaven now, but all the little kiddies out there should be careful with this dab shit.” D-Loc reportedly smeared dab over a majority of his skin, absorbing a fatal dose of THC through his pores.
D-Loc’s estate has been disbursed to the Miller family and will fund drug prevention programs. D-Loc’s fashion line, Hostility Clothing, has been shut down even as collector interest has driven prices of the edgy suburban streetwear t-shirts and baseball caps to new highs.
D-Loc’s death from highly-processed marijuana comes on the heels of Chumlee of Pawn Stars recent death from excessive super-potent marijuana vaporization. Family groups across the nation will hold rallies to protest the “domino effect” of marijuana legalization which has taken our youngest and best new entertainment stars.
INTERNET — Everything you thought you knew about hacking is bullshit.
After years of living underground, in refuge from the whitehat warlords, blackhat hackers will finally be eliminated in what is being dubbed the “Blackhat Holocaust.” What was once a rich and vibrant scene has been co-opted by the far right-left corporatarians, meaning dollar bills, fellas. Your hats are meaningless in the eyes of governments and corporations alike. All of your ideas, inventions, theories, exploits are being freely(at a cost) distributed amongst the wealthy to piss in the collective pool with.
The NSA are the biggest blackhats, man.
Your OPSEC is futile. You mull over the thousands of possibilities for event(x) out loud on twitter, while the blackhats laugh in the background. Such ugly schadenfreude; but their time has come.
The Internet Chronicles Chief Technology Officer and avid Biella Coleman fan, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador elaborates: “Blackhats aren’t Anonymous, they aren’t carders, script kiddies, packeteers or those owning Linode for fun. Nay, they are something far more villainous.”
For about 15 years now, people touted whitehats as the enemy of the hacking community at large, but the real harbinger of destruction was the peddling of a deluded belief that being a blackhat meant you could still work for the government, you could still be a corporate lackey, you’d have to sell your soul, but you could still write your exploits… though you’d have to sell those too. Everyone needs money though, right? We understand.
Is there a way to overthrow the omnipresent blackhat hegemony? Absolutely! You must learn the ways of the blackhat, become a blackhat hacker, immerse yourself in all things blackhat. Write as many exploits as possible. You will be challenged though, oh you will be challenged. This task is not for the faint at heart or wallet. With your exploits comes the potential for sale to nation-state actors that will use your own tools against you, your friends and loved ones. You will be lured in by unimaginable riches, the wealth of a thousand kingdoms and oh the power, the mother fucking power! However grandiose it all may seem, don’t fuck your fellow hackers and citizens in the ass. Just don’t fucking do it.
The blackhats will come to you in many forms. It will happen this way: you will be coding… maybe the last sunny day of fall and an encrypted message will be sent to you from someone you know, perhaps even trust, and they will offer a smile, a becoming smile, but they will leave open the door to becoming a true blackhat and offer to give you a lift…
For this day: release your exploits, tools, techniques, everything you’ve ever learned! Destroy all of your 0day via disclosure or distribute them amongst the poor and impoverished! Take the power you collected through your quest for great knowledge and destroy it in one fell swoop.
Cum on them before they cum on you.
And then create something beautiful.
I suppose it doesn’t matter though, guys and dolls, because there’s a war going on and this war is prefixed with “cyber,” fellas. Buyin’ in, sellin’ out.
Bloodborne explosives may lead airlines to test passengers’ blood for “human bombs”
INTERNET — Documents confiscated from Bin Laden’s compound in Afghanistan show plans to deploy “human bomb” technology in which certain explosive chemicals dissolved into the bloodstream of a bomber can be detonated with a small rise in alcohol blood content. Completely undetectable to any known scans, such “human bombs” could be an important tool for post-9/11 terrorist attacks by Al-Qaeda.
Professor of chemistry Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters, “I’ve gone over these documents and these chemicals can be manufactured by any well equipped laboratory at a relatively moderate price. I’d be shocked if the terrorists weren’t already stockpiling these bio-explosives for a large scale attack. One sip of wine and a single terrorist could potentially split a large airliner in half, but Al-Qaeda would likely stockpile enough of this chemical to get maximum returns. That is, there may be one day very soon when Al-Qaeda can afford to take down every major airliner in the world with one swift human bomb blitz.”
This story has gone mostly unreported because of a fear of widespread panic. As is well known, much of the mainstream press has fallen under increasing scrutiny, especially when reporting on terrorism, due to excessive NSA data mining. Experts are afraid this human bomb may turn the tide in the war on terrorism in favor of the terrorists and force every airline passenger to take a blood test before boarding an airplane.
This is not the Government Shutdown you’re looking for.
INTERNET — If there’s one thing you shouldn’t trust, it’s a pervasive and simple narrative. Certain recent events have been framed as a so-called government shutdown. But is this really what’s happening? Is congress, the judicial branch, or the executive lounging off and kicking back? Certainly not. They’re wound up tight, running around like the sky is falling, holding repeated press conferences and distorting the views of the other party as hard and fast as possible. Obama’s sending out highly risky raids on Islamic Terrorists, just to show how strong he is on defense to answer all the Secret Muslim fan theorists who think “Government Shutdown” means we’re slacking on defense. Petty drug smokers are still being locked up. The government, most certainly, has not shut down. It is running lean and mean as the Corporate Raiders have always hoped.
The more corporations can privatize government functions, the more markets open up for corporations. The less regulations and taxes, the more of these profits the businesses keep. Traditional methods like lobbying and public advocacy have been successful in pressing this neoliberal agenda, exaggerating corporate power and placing the US in a situation where sprawling multinational corporations are underwritten or guaranteed (frame-up “bail outs”) by the government and sometimes not taxed at all. This leaves us now in an unstable state where either government must rein business in or be entirely eclipsed by it. The simplified narrative posing the contending parties as the Republican and Democrat factions is surely true enough on a superficial level, but it is clear both parties are losing face from the continued bad press. Neither party has much to gain from the intentional budget gridlock which has suspiciously been framed as a total government shutdown. The strain of capitalist, neoliberal, and libertarian thought encapsulated by the Tea Party may be able to generate a third party separate from the Republican establishment, all framed as a great victory over the failed shutdown, but it is more likely the Tea Party will lose the most face.
This is not a shutdown but a teardown that started after World War 2. The government teardown is continuing at a greater pace as capitalism marshals increasing popular support in addition to its now calcifying influence over the legislature and the bureaucracy. Citizens may find themselves soon freed from the shackles of the oppressive government and transformed into mere employees.
WAL * MART — Communist elements The great Senator Joe McCarthy once purged from American Society have resurfaced at the helm of the world’s largest Capitalist institution, Wal Mart. Wal Mart now offers its employees healthcare plans, locking these people into an anti-Libertarian nightmare fueled by Ayn Rand’s Objectivism turned inside out. How could they have slipped it by us? Is the Invisible hand of the Free Market Economy broken?
The Communist elements, as is well known, solidified their power in America after McCarthy outed them. They took total control of the News and Entertainment Industries. This is the only reason Liberal presidents, or Nigerians like Obama can possibly be elected. No matter how many women they sexually harass or how many freedoms of ours they steal, these Liberal Presidents will get away with it all. And anyway, Obamacare forces people to buy healthcare on the “free” market, which is infinitely better than being locked into a Wal Mart company healthcare plan that isn’t even a plan at all. You are paid nothing and told that the drugs are a lower price because of this, at Communist Wal Mart. That’s exactly how the Soviets ripped their people off.
Did you know The Tea Party consists of 90% Wal Mart employees who are being paid by Big Tobacco companies to put on fake protests which justify something nobody actually wants? (Government Shutdown.) Communists have always paid shills to put on fake protests so they can get their way. Don’t believe what you see on Television! It’s all Liberal lies, even when it doesn’t look like it! Even Fox News and Sean Hannity!
I Believe in The United States Constitution and I Love this Land, but I am Sick of Tea Party Stealth Communists, and Weed Smoking Libertarian Whack Jobs taking control of My Republican Party and shutting down MY Capitalist Government which only wants to stimulate the Health Care Economy. Republicans made the plan up, and it was a damn good plan that would create jobs! Then the Democrats called the damned thing “Obamacare” with their false-flag Fox News shills and everyone else picked up on that term. Suspicious? Only a Communist could shut down such a rabidly Capitalist congress.
Britney Spears dies before Work Bitch Goes Quadruple Platinum
McComb, MISSIPPI — After Britney Spears seemingly failed in her latest Europop-style comeback single Work Bitch, the singer died from complications resulting from Dibetus. Spears reportedly went on a dangerous eating binge which triggered the diabetic attack. Work Bitch has since skyrocketed on the charts, earning the Britney Spears Estate 20 billion dollars overnight. Family has promised to donate the proceeds of the album to the Childhood Dibetus Foundation. Spears suffered from childhood dibetus, an illness which robbed her of insulin and at times caused her to shave all her hair off.
Make-shift shrines were erected across the country, and fans have left flowers and hand-written notes in remembrance of Spears. “I’m going to work so hard I’ll be the next Britney,” said one crying teenage fan, adding, “And all the haters just need to leave her alone! This bitch will work until they’re all dead.“
A former girlfriend reveals Tommy Wiseau’s former job as an Al-Qaeda drug runner.
HOLLYWOOD — Tommy Wiseau, director of acclaimed movie The Room, was found dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound after his former girlfriend came forward with her account of the real life events which inspired The Room. Jolene McKinsey, Wiseau’s former fiance, told Internet Chronicle reporters, “I would say that The Room was based on our relationship, but Tommy’s reversed the roles. He slept with my best friend and was a cheap drunk. The only part he got right was how he couldn’t get aroused without humping my chest and abdomen.”
Many details of Tommy Wiseau’s personal life have formerly been a mystery to fans of The Room, but McKinsey told all. “Tommy is actually blonde and he made his money running opium and hashish from Afghanistan to his hometown in Austria and selling it to his friends in France. After 9/11, Tommy pulled a fast one on some of his Afghan business partners and wound up with a secret fatwah issued for his assassination by Al-Qaeda. So Tommy hid all his money in a Swiss bank and fled to America and he’s been laundering the Al-Qaeda drug money since, with all sorts of idiotic schemes. He thinks dying his hair black will fool the terrorists. They’ll kill him and make it look like a suicide, like in his movie.”
Greg Setero, who starred in The Room, recently released a book detailing his involvement in the $6 million production of the movie. When asked whether or not Tommy Wiseau could possibly have led a former life of crime, Setero said, “Suddenly all the strange questions I’ve had about Tommy make sense. May Tommy rest in peace.”
Justin Bieber Mechateen Transformation Terrorizes Neighborhood, President Clinton
“Fuck Bill Clinton.” ~ Justin Bieber
The hooded figure’s glance darted fearfully from behind mirrored shades, as if the white picket fences contained some menacing invisible hell hounds. The heat and humidity of Arkansas’ summer was oppressive, and under his heavy hoodie Justin Bieber sweated and stank. He felt like Trayvon Martin, just minutes before a paranoid neighborhood watchman shot him to death, smiling wryly as he popped Skittles in his mouth and sucked on them obsessively. A door slammed open, and Bieber winced automatically at the shriek of a teenage girl.
She knew the name of every piece of clothing Justin Bieber had ever worn, and she recognized his gait from a long, scientific study. She instagrammed a photo of Bieber to her neighborhood friends who helped her track him on his suspicious walk. Texting furiously at her smartphone and pausing only to swipe her hand dramatically across her moistening nether region, she drew up airtight plans to accost Bieber.
The girls assembled in the hollow of a shrubbery, tittering and moist with excitement. Their supernatural attention focused on small beams of light piercing the bush, and with one bright flash of sunlight from Bieber’s mirrored shades, the quivering girls whispered shrieks and shook each other in disbelief. “It’s him,” she whispered, regaining some sanity, “Remember the plan. Wait until he’s right next to us, then Jenna, you grab one leg. Norah, grab the other. Petra, Elisa, get his arms and I’ll jump on his back.” Olivia swiped her hand between her thighs reflexively and went a bit cross-eyed, her attention still focused on the approaching figure outside the bush.
With all the seriousness and practiced efficiency of a SWAT team clearing a compound full of armed militants, the girls latched onto Bieber, who swung around in a futile attempt to escape their clutches. The girls shrieked at first and then moaned deep heaving gasps interspersed with cries of elation. As Norah and Jenna wrapped their legs tightly around his they ground their hips desperately into his shins. Elisa and Petra separated their small, firm breasts between his shoulders as they groped his chest, and Olivia leaped onto his back letting loose an agonized yelp from the totally unexpected first sexual climax of her life.
Justin Bieber’s wiry frame bulged into something resembling a professional bodybuilder fresh off a starvation and dehydration cycle, his skin nothing but a thin sheet barely concealing the heavily striated muscles beneath. Bieber roared like Goku ascending to Super Saiyan. A gust of wind, which may or may not have been generated by his transformation, blew back his hood and set perfect golden hair waving free in the wind. Norah and Jenna came at the same time, sobbing tears of joy which streamed down the skin exposed by the torn jeans on his powerful upper legs. He cupped his hands between Elisa and Petra’s crotches, lifting them with another triumphant roar, and they too went limp with satisfaction.
Olivia and the other girls felt a bit disgusted now that they were relieved of their primal instinct and tried to let go or at least loosen their grip a bit. Bieber’s laugh, deep and punctuated like M. Bison or Ganondorf, echoed through the suburbs, causing at least ten dogs to go into fits of terrified barking. The girls began to cry and scream in terror, and Bieber’s bellowing laughter grew deeper and louder, and his muscles expanded around the girls, who quickly became silent as their faces went dark. The bodies of the girls contorted into unnatural postures and responded to Bieber’s body as if a part of his musculature. The new hulking body twitched and then flexed. Bieber stretched his new gigantic body before striding out of the balmy Arkansas suburbs and into hills dotted with gleaming white plantation homesteads.
Justin Bieber, having absorbed the powers and bodies of the teenage girls, stood well over fifteen feet tall and left a path of destruction just as wide. One man was killed after Bieber picked him up and smashed him into the pavement, three cats were trampled to death, and a child was killed when Bieber punted him over his roof. Justin Bieber’s voice rang with perfect pitch across the hills of Arkansas, “We will never-ever-ever be apart. I was like Baby, Baby, Baby. Ohhhhh. Like, Baby, Baby, Baby. Noooo. Like, Baby, Baby, Baby. Ohhhhhh. Thought you’d always be mine, mine.”
Bieber’s loping casual stride was no different than the one that had allowed Olivia to identify him, as she would later recall under hypnosis. Unconscious, she had acted only to augment his back muscles, an especially fortunate position which allowed her to escape the disfiguring trauma inherent in acting as the arms and legs of a rampaging monster. In court, it was later determined that this killing spree was simply a lead up to the attempted murder of President Bill Clinton, giving the jury leeway to convict Bieber of first degree murder. Olivia told the court that she had remembered, under hypnosis, that Bieber stopped in front of Clinton’s house for several moments and made “repeated motions, like he was jacking off or something,” before smashing a hole in the front of the house. She told the court, “I could see everything from over his shoulder and I helped him, like my arms were his arms kind of. I remember smashing Elisa and Petra through the top floor above the porch and feeling him kicking Norah and Jenna through the front door, where he found Bill Clinton in a panic. Justin grabbed Bill Clinton and held him up to his dick, rubbing him there for a second I guess. Then he threw Bill Clinton on the ground and peed on him. I didn’t remember any of this without the hypnosis, but I did remember kinda waking up when Justin’s muscles started to let go of me. It was like the piss stream onto Bill Clinton was emptying out his muscles or something. Justin was doing that creepy laugh, only it was getting quieter and smaller.” The terribly disfigured girls who had been Justin Bieber’s arms and legs cried at this moment, convincing the jury that capital punishment was entirely appropriate for this case.
Bieber had also taken the stand to claim the girls did not act as victims but rather as conspirators, both before and after the transformation and the murders. He pleaded to the judge, “I remember as little of the events as the girls do, but when I came to I wasn’t just peeing my multi-platinum piss on Bill Clinton. In fact, no matter how hard I tried I could barely get a drop of piss on him because the girls were jockeying for my urine with their mouths wide open, like baby birds in a nest. Most of their faces were smashed and bloody, but I just remember being so mad I couldn’t get a drop of piss on Bill Clinton. Fuck Bill Clinton.”