A whale calf and its mother are separated forever when Japanese Whalers hunt the calf. Then, a small submersible disguised as the calf harvests hundreds of gallons of the mother’s milk.
TOKYO — Japanese whalers have long targeted blue whale calves simply because the adult of the species is too large, but now a new technology allows a disguised submersible to harvest the milk that the culled infant whales cannot. When the blue whale calf is brought onto the deck of the whalers’ ship, a manned submersible which “swims” much like a baby whale is immediately dispatched to join the mother. Most of the time, the mothers cannot tell the difference and allow the submariners to pump many hundreds of gallons of milk from its breasts, a rare and prized commodity worth millions of dollars on the Japanese market.
“Japanese people have always enjoyed milk from aquatic mammals when it’s been harvested from a captured female, but free range milk, especially from the blue whale, is of a quality and flavor never found before,” said Dr. Yoichi Daiichi, an expert in aquatic mammals. “This milk can be transformed into a variety of top shelf products like cheeses, yogurts, and ice creams. We are witnessing the birth of a new industry with the potential to outproduce other milks! With careful management, we may be able to increase the numbers of blue whales in the oceans and provide millions with inexpensive free range blue whale milk.”
Pope Francis was assassinated by an unidentified gunman after pointed statements condemning “banksters”
ROME — Pope Francis, the popular new pope known for humility and outreach to the poor, was shot down by an assassin Tuesday morning as he drove his small, unarmored car to work without the protection of the celebrated Swiss Guard. People of faith around the globe mourn the senseless death of Pope Francis and search for answers. No one has taken credit for the killing, but The Vatican is working with Italian police to investigate the shooting.
Pope Francis opened new dialogue with the long estranged Eastern Orthodox Church and the Islamic faith before criticizing the financial sector for idolatry of money. However, Pope Francis remained firm on the position that members of The Freemasons were still not acceptable to the Catholic Church, in continuance with the policy of Pope Emeritus.
Just one day before the shooting, Pope Francis told reporters, “The banksters running the world’s economy do so without answering to a higher authority and are in a state of grave peril. Their constant manipulation of the news media to maintain a profitable state of never ending false crisis is diabolical. Such deception is the work of Satan.”
The newest leak on the NSA a “silver bullet” for internet manipulation.
INTERNET — Humans are entirely irrational and guided by unconscious compulsions rather than evidence, according to a new document leaked after hackers infiltrated the US Secret Psyop Command nestled within the NSA’s secrecy zone. Journalst Glenn Greenwild reported, “Now that we have evidence of how the US is exploiting our irrational unconscious minds, we’ll finally be able to stop it once and for all.”
Famed blogger Randall Tartan called for Glenn Greenwild to release more evidence, “[Greenwild] has only shown us small fragments of the evidence, abusing the same irrationality that the Psyop Command does. What we need now is more evidence than ever so that the masses can rationally understand what it is that’s being done to them without their knowledge or consent.”
Internet Activists across the world were certain that this latest leak would be the “silver bullet” creating positive social change, if and only if it could garner enough attention among reality television viewers. Professor of Ascendant Philosophy Peter Judlow told reporters, “I think we can have the change we want if this story keeps popping up in the news every day until the end of time. The slow leak method of Greenwild is phenomenal because as long as people are conscious of their unconscious minds, then they can act more rationally than ever. Sadly, Randall Tartan is wrong to believe that mere evidence can produce this effect. What’s needed is constant manipulations and careful control of the evidence so it is framed in a way that is maximally frightening, triggering unconscious fears and irrational compulsions which will cause Reality TV viewers to continue reading Greenwild’s reports. I do believe this particular leak to be the final silver bullet for freedom.”
This guy’s got the right idea insofar as mitigating NSA surveillence.
NEW YORK, NY — As protesters from surrounding gentrified neighborhoods filter into Zuchotti Park, just a stones throw from the worlds wealth trading capitol, the NSA is geared up to test all of its latest biometric and electronic surveillance methods on unsuspecting schizophrenics. Teamed with a $250 billion grant from congress and a newly formed partnership with French transplant 0day exploit development firm VUPEN, the NSA has really outdone themselves this time.
In an effort to quash discordant behavior through fear of omniscience, the NSA has publicly announced that they will not only be intercepting, injecting and exploiting electronic communications of the protesters, but will be deploying a series of biometric tools that will be taking millions of photos and fingerprints. The program, called “Operation Arthur Silvester,” can identify fingerprint data from numerous drones continuously filming protesters. Data collected is filtered through an algorithm that reconstructs the entirety of the fingerprint from even the tiniest sliver. Protesters better be wearing gloves if they don’t want to be cataloged and possibly framed by the NSA via fingerprint planting at crime scenes.
Operation Arthur Silvester also involves an exploit developed by VUPEN and sold to the NSA for $25 million that enables full control of every smart phone on the market. Not only does it utilize the known functionality of compromised phones, such as listening while the phone is off or viewing the camera without the owners knowledge, but it can also utilize the consumer->phone symbiosis. This emotional connection to an electronic device is the feeling one gets when a person has a phone in their pocket and it feels like it’s vibrating, but it isn’t. It’s that sinking feeling the consumer gets when they realize they left their phones at home. That “nakedness.”
VUPEN’s exploit can essentially read the emotions of smart phone users. The Internet Chronicles clinical psychologist and chief technologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador posits “The NSA’s ability to read peoples emotions is simply an avenue to create a way of further manipulating the emotions of consumers. This kind of technology is like Google’s AdSense, also an NSA partner, but far more acutely defined in its manipulation techniques.” The smartphone will then act as a reality defining tool that the NSA will utilize to tailor everyday advertisements to be far more effective for the individual.
All of this lends to the fear, uncertainty and doubt that the general populace is fed daily and I, for one, hope it continues, because those assholes block traffic.
URGENT UPDATE: THE MAN PICTURED ABOVE HAS BEEN ARRESTED FOR TRYING TO HIDE HIS PHYSICALLY IDENTIFIABLE INFORMATION FROM THE NSA!!!!! IT’S ALL HAPPENING!
The !Kung didn’t even farm, and why would they?
KALAHARI — The !Kung were some of the last sane people on Earth, living by foraging on a staple nut which has more calories and protein than an equal amount of any genetically modified grains. Insane people, driven by a paranoid fear for their security, have for 10,000 years insisted on eating mostly genetically modified plants and animals. Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador tells us, “Of course the !Kung never have to work more than 15 hours a week to comfortably subsist, and their diet is richer and more nutritious for it. The fossil record shows that hunter-gatherers rarely show signs of malnutrition, where agricultural fossils nearly always do! The only possible way that this change happened was through the use of fearmongering ideologies or religions which were used to give privilege and control to a small minority most infected by the virulent paranoid sickness. That was the very birth of what became civilization!”
Dr. Troubador glowed and flashed a broad toothy smile, “These people had a culture that kept them humble, something admirable. When an individual performed a great achievement, he or she was shown earnest scorn and in no way congratulated. Ain’t that something? Muh /b/rothers know what’s up.” Leaning in and smirking, Dr. Troubador whispered, “It’s how they became immune to the nightmare mind-control paranoid madness.”
UPDATE: The !Kung have recently succumbed to the nightmare mind-control paranoid madness and now work hard at their farms for well over 40 hours a week.
Bashir al-Assad condemned America as the great terror of the last century and demanded they dismantle their nuclear program.
DAMASCUS — After President Obama put a hold on the impending Syrian invasion, Bashir al-Assad took time to speak with reporters about his use of chemical weapons. The reformer-turned-dictator said, “Yeah, I gassed a couple thousand people because they stood between me and military objectives which could secure my country and the freedom of my people. It was a tough call, but it saved the lives of millions of my soldiers.”
When asked whether Assad felt he had done the wrong thing by provoking a superpower, he responded, “Obama would do the same thing if he were me, and his country has repeatedly done much worse. We did not nuke an entire city like Hiroshima or Nagaskai, and we did not level a great cultural center like Dresden. America was the great terror of the last century, the one that was more fearsome and shocking than the holocaust of the Nazis. How else could they have defeated the Germans?”
Western journalists needled Assad further, asking him if he could envision a peaceful end to rising tensions in the region. Assad became frustrated, saying, “The world is barreling towards apocalyptic destruction and a few of my chemical weapons just won’t even come close to doing the job. American hydrogen bombs could destroy all of civilization ten times over, but who would invade them, stop them from using their weapons even on their own people? There is no future for humanity as long as humans maintain stockpiles of such destructive weapons, just as Carl Sagan believed. Humanity must either dismantle nuclear weapons or perish.”
Blowing the whistle on a corrupt facet of systems of power is not a new phenomenon, nor is it even an effective one at that(anymore, at least). However, whistleblowing is a dirty word and dirty words lead to dirty thoughts, which ultimately lend to dirty actions. Internet bloggers and experts of opinion tout whistleblowing heroes and heroines as a selling point for their upcoming pornographic novels. Your mind must be spinning now with thoughts of tentacle porn and whatever you saw on /b/ today, but I kid you not, true believers, the truth is far more perverted than the fiction.
The truth is that whistleblowing is quite sexy. Not only is the non-word phallic at its core, but anyone versed in the art of fellatio(giving or receiving, we are equal opportunity blowers) has their loins a stirrin’ for every new article that hits the presses about Barrett Brown et. al.
Brown is certainly an interesting example. A modern day cowboy(who, in truth, couldn’t tie his shoelaces, which is why he always wore boots) and heroin chic instigator brings all the boys and girls to the yard. While however inane his ramblings were, with an aesthetic like that, how could you not love his pseudo-reporting and pure, un-fucking-adulterated whistleblowing? How pure was it really though? All he did was comb through documents that were already public and kind of report on them… which makes him even more attractive, because, well I dunno, but such mystique!
The curiously tired case of Chelsea Manning has become even more of a perverted talking heads’ wet dream than anyone could have possibly imagined. Traversing the grounds from whistleblowing on atrocities in Iraq to Adrian Lamo whistleblowing on Chelsea, all the way to whether or not we will foot the bill for Manning’s transition. Good God, what a story! Don’t you just hate that whistleblowing Adrian Lamo? Did you hear he’s fucking Barrett Brown’s ex-girlfriend? She’s probably a bad whistleblower too, although we have no evidence of that, so who cares! She’s a total babe. Besides, now that Brown is bound and, mmMMm, gagged for being naughty little boy, she can do whatever she wants. Regardless, I’m just glad to people at 9gag FOIA’d those photo’s of Manning dressed as a woman and published them just to be sure.
Oh! Now we have our wannabe whistleblowers. The Glenn Greenwilds and Jacob Appelbaums of the world, with significant others in tow, making for possible juicy love triangles… or at the very least some trivial anecdotes about their lives to moisten our panties. What happens in Der Spiegel offices, stays in Der Spiegel offices.
I could rattle off a few more names for you to get your engine running, but what’s the point? Ok, fine: Aaron Swartz. Doesn’t that just feel grand? Yet none of this matter, because it’s Miley/pseudoevent Season and this article is just one of many dominoes that needs to drop for us all to collectively blow our loads.
I’m positive that the Great Aaron Bale aka AnonForecast will be the one to push us over precipice of orgasm with his fabled “whistleblowing warhead.” Mark my words, sports fans.
oh yeah, ed snowden.
Snowden is a government shill.
Snowden was a plant. The government was behind 9/11.
Miley Cyrus Died shortly after Gang Raping Friday Afternoon.
HOLLYWOOD — A group of young men, unable to contain their libidinous urges after repeated sexual performances by Miley Cyrus, brutally gang raped the former child star who then died tragically from internal injuries.
Miley’s recent performance at the MTV video awards featured “twerking,” a form of simulated ‘doggy style’ sex popular with colored citizens. Miley also used a foam hand to stimulate her clitoris and the bared penis of rapper 2chainz.
A music video released to coincide with Miley’s racy MTV award performance showed the pop star completely nude and riding a giant wrecking ball. Jungian psychoanalyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador analyzed the video, saying, “The sphere of the ball suggests the feminine, yet its destructive purpose is decidedly masculine. Combined with the lyrics explicitly expressing female power over the masculine, we find yet more compelling evidence in the collective unconscious of the dawn of the age of Aquarius and the prophesied female alignment spoken of by Aaron Socio.”
When asked about the rapings, Troubador became troubled, “Repression is to be expected after a rapid change in values such as this. I am very afraid that these kind of rapings will become more common as younger and more innocent child stars begin to more publicly expose their base sexuality. It’s almost Newtonian.”
John Kerry showed the telltale signs of retardation Friday.
Secretary of State John Kerry has descended into what experts are calling advanced mental retardation. As the increasingly complex situation in Syria continues to unfold, the former Senator appears “disheveled and dumb.”
“I’m not saying there’s any correlation,” explained The Internet Chronicle’s Chief Political Analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, “but if you just look at his drooping, uneven eyes, and listen to the shit he says, he’s obviously totally retarded.”
John Kerry told Syrian President Bashar al-Assad Friday to disclose his data on chemical weapons and is arranging a plan with Russia to dispose of Assad’s chemical weapons.
“Kerry’s pitiful retardation prevents him from acknowledging the likelihood of false flag gas attacks as a measure of ousting Syria’s leadership. Because it’s either that, or he wants to help Al-Qaeda, and our government wouldn’t seriously prop up the group responsible for the Sept. 11 attacks, right?”
In other news: Italian MP says 9/11 was an inside job