Fred Phelps’ shocking death bed confessional and secret sermon of love that got him kicked out of the “church of hate”
INTERNET — Fred Phelps was reported dead, Thursday morning, after family members excommunicated the founder from the very church he created. This comes on the heels of a secret and shocking sermon in which Phelps unveiled the church’s secret purpose.
Pastor Phelps told his church in his last sermon, “Westboro’s mission has always been to make Christianity look bad. I have not been a man of faith, but a man of deception and lies. I am a militant atheist and you, my flock, have long been a gaggle of useful idiots. God does not exist, except in the minds of idiots, and this church has existed only as an ongoing prank that got out of hand. My doctor said I have almost no time left to live, but I hope you turn away from these hateful ways which were designed to turn the public against a fake God and lead them towards the light of scientific and humanist love for all people, including fags.”
A church council decided Pastor Fred Phelps had “gone senile” and excommunicated him from the church, banning all communication between church members and its founder. However, other excommunicated family members rushed to the pastor’s death bed. Nate Phelps, who left the church 37 years ago, said, “Our dad, for the first time ever, was completely lucid and sane. He’d given up the act and it was like a demon had left him. He was smiling when he died, and at peace with himself and with everyone on earth. I can understand if no one forgives him, but I have forgiven him.”
Rich white man “cannot take the oppression”
I’ve always cared about freedom, equality, and decency for everyone around me. Sure, I’m a rich white man who doesn’t even have to really work to get along, and I can see why women and people of color are bothered by my very existence. I can almost, if not quite, understand why my voice is nothing more than an annoyance to them. I wish it wasn’t, because otherwise I’d make it rain dollar bills all over the ghettos and subsidize women’s shelters left and right. But I’m not going to, because I’m being oppressed.
The effect of the rhetoric of feminists and people of color on a white male is just terrible. To share the experience that this rhetoric generates in a white man, well, that’s called “derailment,” so shoot me, I’m a derailer right now. To critically participate in a conversation with oppressed groups is to “make it about me” or worse, it is “abusive.”
I’ve been told I must “decenter,” and let go of all the complex emotions that these conversations create in me — after all, putting a voice to them would only be to unleash internalized authoritarian tendencies under the guise of “rationalism” or “critique.” The point of these narratives, I think, has been for me to quietly absorb in an unreflective and silent stupor. Even an innocent question can trigger traumatic memories of oppression, and god forbid I add to the cumbersome load of oppression I in fact intend on understanding and fighting. In effect, I have been systematically silenced.
Although I’ve always intended on helping the oppressed with my fortune, now I know they don’t even want my help. I was falsely led to believe by Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech that bringing people together was the kind of utopia we all wanted to work towards. It turns out Dr. King had internalized the white man’s utopia.
No matter how many times I’ve told people of color to forgive me for my internalized authoritarian tendencies, they just haven’t listened. White people don’t know what they’re saying and how bad it sounds, and surely if they understood they’d not say such things. I’ve been just terribly shocked at the way things I’ve said have been interpreted, and it seems the kind of forgiveness and trust that I’ve extended will never be reciprocated.
Now that I know the horrible pain of oppression and exclusion from a group of people I want to interact with, I understand people of color and women perfectly. I don’t want to give my oppressors any money or even listen to a single word they say. Just to hear them reflect on the story of oppression I have just told opens up deep wounds in my psyche and possibly even racial memories from when my Celtic ancestors were repeatedly oppressed by Romans, Anglo-Saxons, and Vikings. One word from women and people of color and it’s like it’s happening all over again.
Snowden lands at Simferopol airport on board Malaysia Air Flight 370
INTERNET — In a shocking new twist that ties together three popular narratives, NSA leaker Edward Snowden was on board Malaysian Air Flight 370 when it fell off the radar. Evasive maneuvers brought the flight over much of Asia at the dangerously low height of 2,000 feet in order to avoid radar and deliver world-shattering new leaks to the people of Crimea.
WikiLeaks mercenaries have locked down the area around Flight 370, which landed at Simferopol early Tuesday morning. The “Russian Blackwater” in control of the airport have issued an ultimatum, threatening to kill the WikiLeaks mercenaries if they do not surrender within the next 4 hours.
Snowden, speaking on a livestream to the people of the world, declared, “Both Russia and the US have their fingers on the nuclear trigger. I know this because I hacked both of them yesterday, using my connections inside the Russian version of Facebook and my secret backdoors still installed at the NSA. Thanks to the heroic actions of our volunteer pilots and WikiLeaks staff, I have brought Crimeans irrefutable proof that reporting on Crimea has been heavily manipulated by Russian news media psyops in order to spark a nuclear war — the last hope for Putin’s crumbling dictatorship.”
The pair of slides from both Russian and American nuclear power point presentations released by Snowden have experts alarmed that the whistleblower may be correct. Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, geopolitical analyst, said “Immediate de-escalation of war through further leaks is the only way to save the world. Hopefully brave leakers in both hemispheres will come forward with further truths which will save us all from a grim nuclear winter.”
Practical Prepper runs homestead diesel generator on woodgas crossfed from his Ford truck.
INTERNET — Engineer775 of the “Practical Prepper” youtube channel achieved Full “Off The Grid” status Sunday when he connected his homestead to a diesel generator cross-rigged into the woodgasificator on the back of his fully functioning wood-powered 1968 Ford truck.
“I know this looks like a crazy scene, but I got the truck runnin’ on wood, then I drove it over here, on wood. Hooked up the generator, got that runnin. Got that little meter here so I can tell what it’s doin’. And it’s still pretty good,” engineer775 said, as he tested woodgas to power his diesel generator for the first time. “The homestead’s off the grid, running on wood,” he declared.
Secretly acclaimed Wudao prophet Alrart, of Christchurch New Zealand, built a spacetime bus he called the “Tardus” with a similar power supply, an innovation which gave him full reign over any time and place in geological history with vegetable matter or liquid hydrocarbons present on the surface. Using copper rings arranged in resonancee with the earth’s torsion-field, Alrart is able to slip through time with the meager torsion field generated with his woodgas powered 1972 25 Kilowatt Onan 30 EK generator. Because of an effect called torsion fracturing, Alrart now exists in a universe which makes his return to this one forever impossible.
Torsion science, a secret tradition of the Wudao, successfully found the “unified field theory” at the beginning of the 20th century, after refuting the idea of a field. Instead, there is only torsion in an ever-self-contorting geometric object that on the very large scale resembles a point with no dimensions whatsoever. Wudao scientists believe that spacetime is actually shrinking, and it only appears to expand because of spacetime reversions (vacuum).
Thanks to fracking, the Midwest will soon become an inland ocean.
INTERNET — A shocking new study by geologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador shows that great plains regions of the midwest will sink into an “oily” inland salt sea, submerging areas from Detroit to Denver within only a few decades.
Dr. Troubador explained his predictions, saying, “Several underground rivers which shed excess groundwater into the Mississippi basin have been disrupted by hydraulic fracturing operations and will, over the course of the next few years, flood the nation’s most important farming region with a salty sea topped with a rich rainbow oil sheen. Once the shattered land settles beneath the weight of the new sea, it may be up to a mile deep at some points. Tens of millions will be displaced, as one of the planet’s most important farming regions disappears like the ancient civilization of Atlantis.”
Erech Siegfried, a so-called emergency ‘prepper’, responded excitedly to Dr. Troubador’s predictions, saying, “I thought we’d have an oil crash disaster until I found out the huge increase in oil production from these new fracking operations. It bummed me out because I was afraid I’d done all that prepping for nothing, but now all my planning is justified! I just need to trade in some of my ammunition for a boat, like Kevin Costner had in waterworld. God, surviving this thing is going to rule.”
Is this ceremony the popular arm of a highly secret and invisible technoreligion with teleportation systems?
INTERNET — Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, thought lost over the South China Sea, was spotted on the ground at Cleveland Hopkins International Airport. Witnesses saw “hooded figures” entering and exiting the plane, which glowed with an unearthly blue light.
Jeremy Sancrusty, a janitor at the airport, told reporters, “It didn’t take off or land. It just materialized in a blue flash. Then I saw hooded figures step off the plane, their faces all covered in shadows. Some more of them boarded, and with another flash the plane was gone. I think it was some kind of a teleportation technology and them people on it, I have no idea who they were. Didn’t look like aliens. Looked like some kind of secret religion to me. This is pure speculation, but maybe some religion out there’s incorporated all the beliefs of science and has leapfrogged over science itself.”
Expert in comparative mythology the occult, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, said, “Mr. Sancrusty’s claims are in line with current understanding in my field. It is non-controversial that there is at least one occult tradition with far superior technology, possibly capable of teleportation and space travel. We don’t think they are in any way associated with the Illuminati, but are rather a similar organization from southeast asia known to some as the Wudao. Their influence around the world is tremendous, and I would not be at all surprised if they have already found Perfect Language, long sought in the west by hermetic traditions. Some call it the philosopher’s stone, or the holy grail. It is thought the powers and knowledge Perfect Language can bestow are limitless.”
“Black Knights” are vigilantes who strike fear into the hearts of doxxers and trolls everywhere
INTERNET — They’re known as Black Knights and they’ve got a message for serial abusers of women on the internet: “We’re going to hunt you down and kill you in your sleep.”
The alarming new internet trend of trolls and doxxers has caused thousands of suicides of young women and girls. The abuser, or troll, becomes addicted to stalking, harrassing, and targeting a woman, ruining her life in the process. But now, vigilante Black Knights are fighting back.
Unlike so-called White Knights such as the famed knightsec of the hacker collective Anonymous led by Deric Lotsgutter, Black Knights are out for blood and are definitely not revealing their identities. A Black Knight known only as NotAnonymous told reporters, “No one knows we exist. No one knows who we kill. No one knows when we kill. But if you’re ruining women’s lives for fun on the internet, we’ll kill you in your sleep.”
Feminists contribute to bitcoin pools on the darknet, an encrypted “underground” of the internet accessed with Tor software, and the Black Knight can collect payment by placing a bid on the abuser which correctly predicts the target’s time of death.
NotAnonymous refused to elaborate on the mission of the Black Knights. “We don’t have any identity. We aren’t doing this to get laid. Most of us don’t even do it for the bitcoins. We do it for the same reason the abusers do it. For the lulz.”
Meet the Nigerian Electronic Army — the next LulzSec!
REDDIT — The Nigerian Electronic Army, now in possession of a deadly “zero day” exploit for Reddit, has defaced several popular Reddit subforums with demands they be paid in dogecoin and bitcoin in exchange for release of the exploit. Among the defaced sites are a forum for Android smartphone users and League of Legends gamers.
Styling themselves, perhaps, after the infamous Syrian Electronic Army (SEA), the Nigerian Electronic Army’s (NEA) choice of targets seems far removed from the political or tactical targets of the SEA. The NEA’s defacement was somewhat reminiscent of LulzSec’s prank on PBS, but without the jokes or publicity for their Twitter account. LulzSec earned well over $180,000 in bitcoins with their antics, but only one of the hackers remains on the lam. The group disbanded after only 50 days.
Until Nigerian Electronic Army can increase the humor value of their defacements and grow an audience on a major Twitter account, they will probably find themselves in possession of only a very few dogecoins or bitcoins.
Was Neil Tyson possessed by Satan on the set of Cosmos?
INTERNET — Workers on the set of of Neil deGrasse Tyson’s Cosmos reported what some called a “demonic possession” which overtook the pop scientist.
“He was frothing at the mouth, his eyes opened wide. I saw pain shoot across his face, like he was being whipped. Neil declared something like, ‘I am the source! I AM Dark Energy! I AM THE DARKNESS! The white man’s voice is the demon. I am the demon,’ and he flung himself at the camera crew, smashing one and giving a cameraman a black eye,” said one anonymous witness, who added, “He didn’t specifically say anything about the devil, but I was afraid for my life. He passed out and when he woke up he had no memory of what he’d done. He’s never used that voice before or since.”
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, expert in psychology, dismissed the episode as meaningless, saying, “Tyson was under a lot of stress from all the compromises he had to make to appease producers who wanted the show to be more entertaining. The hot lights of the studio have long been known to trigger such episodes, even in the most mentally healthy and stable of us. Anyway, there’s no such thing as demons.”
The following story is perhaps impossible to believe — nobody knows this more than I — but I swear every word of what I relate is true. Were I to tell this story and associate it with my identity, I’d be ridiculed or put in a mental hospital. But I have to tell this story or my silence will drive me insane.
I met her on OkCupid, a free dating website. In retrospect, I think her profile was designed to attract me. I’d been really beefing up and lifting weights. I visited a forum on Reddit every day called The Red Pill, and I learned that women like men who are assholes. It made a lot of sense, back then, and it even worked.
The guys on The Red Pill never agreed on the topic of marriage. Some saw it as slavery, others saw it as settling down. I thought it was natural and acceptable step for the aging man, and a necessary kind of economic and reproductive evil. I figured any power a woman might have over me was totally evil, so I’d been fucking multiple women and ditching them if they even hinted at more. We called it “spinning plates” on The Red Pill.
But I loved her. At The Red Pill, men talked about finding the girl of their dreams, that “unicorn” that can’t really exist. Love was just a cocktail of chemicals pumped out by some gland, and even newbies knew better than to fall for that trick of evolution. But it happened slow enough that I didn’t notice it. Usually I’d pressed women for pictures or a meeting in real life almost as soon as I’d introduced myself, but she’d been far too interesting to forget about. The one picture she did share only showed her mouth, and it had been more than enough to convince me she was a perfect 10.
I know she must have done her research because she knew everything there was to know about me. She had seen all my favorite movies, read all my favorite books, and played all my favorite video games. It was a month before she showed me a picture of her face, and at that moment I realized I’d been in love with her for some time. I couldn’t think about The Red Pill or worry about what they’d think of me, and I stopped visiting the forum. I spent days lying in bed as fantasies of Scarlet — that was her name — played through my head on repeat.
I met her for the first time at the Smithsonian, and we walked through an exhibit on hominids and other human ancestors. She kept giggling, and I suppose it makes sense now, but she would not explain what was so funny. I was terribly upset that she may have found me somehow stupid or silly looking now that she’d met me.
After coffee, we went to her small apartment and laid in her bed. She stared into my eyes, and for a moment I knew I could never think of love as some bogus chemical cocktail that just gives women power. But as soon as I’d felt that, her eyes seemed to grow and grow until nothing was left of my world but the blackness of her pupils. It was as if the warmth of that love I’d felt so strongly had just inverted into an empty coldness. In the next moment I was looking through her tears, crying in involuntary pain as he raped me. He giggled, like he had in the Smithsonian, and strangled my neck as I struggled to escape. The words he growled I can hardly remember, but he told me he was immortal, that he liked owning my body, and that he hoped I enjoyed being a woman. He said these things because it got him off, and just before he choked me into unconsciousness I expected to wake up, sweaty from the nightmare. I woke up just a few minutes later, bruises on my neck, blood and spunk between my legs. The body thief was gone, off somewhere living my life.
I think Scarlet’s life is in many ways more fulfilling and happy than my previous life but for one thing: I look for the body thief’s face in every crowd, so I stay at home more than I should. I am sure I have seen him behind many eyes.