Thanks to fracking, the Midwest will soon become an inland ocean.
INTERNET — A shocking new study by geologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador shows that great plains regions of the midwest will sink into an “oily” inland salt sea, submerging areas from Detroit to Denver within only a few decades.
Dr. Troubador explained his predictions, saying, “Several underground rivers which shed excess groundwater into the Mississippi basin have been disrupted by hydraulic fracturing operations and will, over the course of the next few years, flood the nation’s most important farming region with a salty sea topped with a rich rainbow oil sheen. Once the shattered land settles beneath the weight of the new sea, it may be up to a mile deep at some points. Tens of millions will be displaced, as one of the planet’s most important farming regions disappears like the ancient civilization of Atlantis.”
Erech Siegfried, a so-called emergency ‘prepper’, responded excitedly to Dr. Troubador’s predictions, saying, “I thought we’d have an oil crash disaster until I found out the huge increase in oil production from these new fracking operations. It bummed me out because I was afraid I’d done all that prepping for nothing, but now all my planning is justified! I just need to trade in some of my ammunition for a boat, like Kevin Costner had in waterworld. God, surviving this thing is going to rule.”
Is this ceremony the popular arm of a highly secret and invisible technoreligion with teleportation systems?
INTERNET — Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, thought lost over the South China Sea, was spotted on the ground at Cleveland Hopkins International Airport. Witnesses saw “hooded figures” entering and exiting the plane, which glowed with an unearthly blue light.
Jeremy Sancrusty, a janitor at the airport, told reporters, “It didn’t take off or land. It just materialized in a blue flash. Then I saw hooded figures step off the plane, their faces all covered in shadows. Some more of them boarded, and with another flash the plane was gone. I think it was some kind of a teleportation technology and them people on it, I have no idea who they were. Didn’t look like aliens. Looked like some kind of secret religion to me. This is pure speculation, but maybe some religion out there’s incorporated all the beliefs of science and has leapfrogged over science itself.”
Expert in comparative mythology the occult, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, said, “Mr. Sancrusty’s claims are in line with current understanding in my field. It is non-controversial that there is at least one occult tradition with far superior technology, possibly capable of teleportation and space travel. We don’t think they are in any way associated with the Illuminati, but are rather a similar organization from southeast asia known to some as the Wudao. Their influence around the world is tremendous, and I would not be at all surprised if they have already found Perfect Language, long sought in the west by hermetic traditions. Some call it the philosopher’s stone, or the holy grail. It is thought the powers and knowledge Perfect Language can bestow are limitless.”
“Black Knights” are vigilantes who strike fear into the hearts of doxxers and trolls everywhere
INTERNET — They’re known as Black Knights and they’ve got a message for serial abusers of women on the internet: “We’re going to hunt you down and kill you in your sleep.”
The alarming new internet trend of trolls and doxxers has caused thousands of suicides of young women and girls. The abuser, or troll, becomes addicted to stalking, harrassing, and targeting a woman, ruining her life in the process. But now, vigilante Black Knights are fighting back.
Unlike so-called White Knights such as the famed knightsec of the hacker collective Anonymous led by Deric Lotsgutter, Black Knights are out for blood and are definitely not revealing their identities. A Black Knight known only as NotAnonymous told reporters, “No one knows we exist. No one knows who we kill. No one knows when we kill. But if you’re ruining women’s lives for fun on the internet, we’ll kill you in your sleep.”
Feminists contribute to bitcoin pools on the darknet, an encrypted “underground” of the internet accessed with Tor software, and the Black Knight can collect payment by placing a bid on the abuser which correctly predicts the target’s time of death.
NotAnonymous refused to elaborate on the mission of the Black Knights. “We don’t have any identity. We aren’t doing this to get laid. Most of us don’t even do it for the bitcoins. We do it for the same reason the abusers do it. For the lulz.”
Meet the Nigerian Electronic Army — the next LulzSec!
REDDIT — The Nigerian Electronic Army, now in possession of a deadly “zero day” exploit for Reddit, has defaced several popular Reddit subforums with demands they be paid in dogecoin and bitcoin in exchange for release of the exploit. Among the defaced sites are a forum for Android smartphone users and League of Legends gamers.
Styling themselves, perhaps, after the infamous Syrian Electronic Army (SEA), the Nigerian Electronic Army’s (NEA) choice of targets seems far removed from the political or tactical targets of the SEA. The NEA’s defacement was somewhat reminiscent of LulzSec’s prank on PBS, but without the jokes or publicity for their Twitter account. LulzSec earned well over $180,000 in bitcoins with their antics, but only one of the hackers remains on the lam. The group disbanded after only 50 days.
Until Nigerian Electronic Army can increase the humor value of their defacements and grow an audience on a major Twitter account, they will probably find themselves in possession of only a very few dogecoins or bitcoins.
Was Neil Tyson possessed by Satan on the set of Cosmos?
INTERNET — Workers on the set of of Neil deGrasse Tyson’s Cosmos reported what some called a “demonic possession” which overtook the pop scientist.
“He was frothing at the mouth, his eyes opened wide. I saw pain shoot across his face, like he was being whipped. Neil declared something like, ‘I am the source! I AM Dark Energy! I AM THE DARKNESS! The white man’s voice is the demon. I am the demon,’ and he flung himself at the camera crew, smashing one and giving a cameraman a black eye,” said one anonymous witness, who added, “He didn’t specifically say anything about the devil, but I was afraid for my life. He passed out and when he woke up he had no memory of what he’d done. He’s never used that voice before or since.”
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, expert in psychology, dismissed the episode as meaningless, saying, “Tyson was under a lot of stress from all the compromises he had to make to appease producers who wanted the show to be more entertaining. The hot lights of the studio have long been known to trigger such episodes, even in the most mentally healthy and stable of us. Anyway, there’s no such thing as demons.”
The following story is perhaps impossible to believe — nobody knows this more than I — but I swear every word of what I relate is true. Were I to tell this story and associate it with my identity, I’d be ridiculed or put in a mental hospital. But I have to tell this story or my silence will drive me insane.
I met her on OkCupid, a free dating website. In retrospect, I think her profile was designed to attract me. I’d been really beefing up and lifting weights. I visited a forum on Reddit every day called The Red Pill, and I learned that women like men who are assholes. It made a lot of sense, back then, and it even worked.
The guys on The Red Pill never agreed on the topic of marriage. Some saw it as slavery, others saw it as settling down. I thought it was natural and acceptable step for the aging man, and a necessary kind of economic and reproductive evil. I figured any power a woman might have over me was totally evil, so I’d been fucking multiple women and ditching them if they even hinted at more. We called it “spinning plates” on The Red Pill.
But I loved her. At The Red Pill, men talked about finding the girl of their dreams, that “unicorn” that can’t really exist. Love was just a cocktail of chemicals pumped out by some gland, and even newbies knew better than to fall for that trick of evolution. But it happened slow enough that I didn’t notice it. Usually I’d pressed women for pictures or a meeting in real life almost as soon as I’d introduced myself, but she’d been far too interesting to forget about. The one picture she did share only showed her mouth, and it had been more than enough to convince me she was a perfect 10.
I know she must have done her research because she knew everything there was to know about me. She had seen all my favorite movies, read all my favorite books, and played all my favorite video games. It was a month before she showed me a picture of her face, and at that moment I realized I’d been in love with her for some time. I couldn’t think about The Red Pill or worry about what they’d think of me, and I stopped visiting the forum. I spent days lying in bed as fantasies of Scarlet — that was her name — played through my head on repeat.
I met her for the first time at the Smithsonian, and we walked through an exhibit on hominids and other human ancestors. She kept giggling, and I suppose it makes sense now, but she would not explain what was so funny. I was terribly upset that she may have found me somehow stupid or silly looking now that she’d met me.
After coffee, we went to her small apartment and laid in her bed. She stared into my eyes, and for a moment I knew I could never think of love as some bogus chemical cocktail that just gives women power. But as soon as I’d felt that, her eyes seemed to grow and grow until nothing was left of my world but the blackness of her pupils. It was as if the warmth of that love I’d felt so strongly had just inverted into an empty coldness. In the next moment I was looking through her tears, crying in involuntary pain as he raped me. He giggled, like he had in the Smithsonian, and strangled my neck as I struggled to escape. The words he growled I can hardly remember, but he told me he was immortal, that he liked owning my body, and that he hoped I enjoyed being a woman. He said these things because it got him off, and just before he choked me into unconsciousness I expected to wake up, sweaty from the nightmare. I woke up just a few minutes later, bruises on my neck, blood and spunk between my legs. The body thief was gone, off somewhere living my life.
I think Scarlet’s life is in many ways more fulfilling and happy than my previous life but for one thing: I look for the body thief’s face in every crowd, so I stay at home more than I should. I am sure I have seen him behind many eyes.
Jeff Norment loves heroin.
RICHMOND, Va. – As state and local police bark outrage into TV cameras about ‘drug abuse’ and ‘urban decay’, lamenting spikes in violent crime, one often-overlooked piece of the picture in the war on drugs is the people actually using drugs.
To people like 27-year-old Jeff Norment, the heroin coming down I-75 from Detroit is “a God-send.” Norment says heroin has improved his life considerably, although his point of view is often brushed aside in favor of order and public safety.
“I was eating 20 and 40 pills a day, you name it, I was doing it,” Norment said, looking real cool. “But it was hell on my liver. But now that I’m on heroin – I’m in Heaven!”
Norment argued that the Richmond media – TV news in particular – does not represent all sides of the story, with a tendency to favor police and marginalize victims.
“Typical TV news story: we went to the Richmond police. We went to the state police,” Norment said. “But they didn’t come a-callin’ for old Jeff, saying, ‘Jeff how you liking them drugs?’ Now how are you gonna call that objective journalism and tell me I’m the bad guy?”
Norment argued that his voice is the missing piece of the story of a so-called ‘heroin epidemic’ in Richmond.
“I smoke crack on the reg. I snort dust on the reg. I shoot heroin on the reg, and you don’t see me committing no crimes. I just like me the rush, is all. And I like to lay here on this sofa playing PlayStation.”
Norment, who lives near the Grace Street Police Station, said police knock on his door almost every day – sometimes looking for suspects – sometimes just to break his balls.
“I know it ain’t good for me,” Norment said, rolling his eyes. “They’re always telling me that.”
Norment said if it weren’t for the police, he would have fewer problems.
“Thanks to heroin,” Norment said, “I’ve dodged a few bullets, both figuratively and literally. Shit, heroin even helps me escape the crushing reality of using heroin.”
28-year-old VCU alum Stephen Ascot says heroin affords him a certain lifestyle. The only difference, Ascot said, is that he is not on heroin.
“My weed dealer across the street gets me what I need, but he doesn’t give me heroin,” Ascot said. “I just know he’s going to be there, because he is on heroin.”
Richmond Police Captain Mike Ebert said drugs might feel good now, but addicts will “be pretty sore” about the crackdown on horse pouring in from Detroit.
“It’s easy to get addicted to the stuff, you just put it in your arm,” Ebert said. “But they’re going to be pretty sore about it when there ain’t no more heroin left for sale on the streets, after they do it all up.”
Ebert said his department is working with state police to set up checkpoints along the I-75 corridor to catch heroin traffickers coming down from the Motor City.
“Of course, the stops are designed to appear random,” he said. “But they’re not. We’ll know who to stop.”
This news is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals.
Explosive new documents, originally obtained by NSA leaker Edward Snowden and seen by The Internet Chronicle, reveal how the NSA conspired to create the popular Bitcoin “cyrptocurrency”. NSA’s immediate aim was to track cyber terrorists and other criminals, but also to undermine the very concept of a decentralized, anonymous electronic currency, and by extension, the ideals of technolibertarianism and cyberanarchism.
Powerpoint slides provided to The Internet Chronicle detail the NSA’s concerns about the promise of so-called cryptocurrency. NSA mathematicians devised the initial proposal for Bitcoin in concert with Satoshi Nakamoto, a defence and intelligence contractor who would act as the new currency’s public front-man. The slides go so far as to speculate that even if Nakamoto’s intel ties were exposed, a gullible public would presume he had simply “gone rogue” due to sincerely held political beliefs.
In a bizarre twist, The Chronicle’s source (who has asked to remain anonymous) claims that journalists at First Look Media, the current owner of the Snowden leak stockpile, are under instruction not to report on the Bitcoin plot. The source refused to elaborate.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, the Chronicle’s resident Intelligence & Cyberculture expert, believes First Look’s silence is under direct instruction from its owner, Pierre Omidyar, himself. “Omidyar, ironically, is a natural ally of NSA in the Bitcoin conspiracy, due to his financial interest in PayPal. He would no doubt love to see cryptocurrency wither on the cyber-vine, so to speak. Ebay is also an important partner to federal agencies, both law enforcement and intelligence. It’s easy to see why he would be so keen to invest a quarter of a billion dollars to gain control of the Snowden material, and the few bloggers naively doing their best to report on it.”
Omidyar Network and First Look Media were not available for comment.
Future President George Bush a-huntin’ them Reds
A great leader once asked, “How’s that hopey, changey stuff workin’ out for ya?”
America found her answer. Former President George W. Bush announced a plan Monday to “take America back,” starting with a campaign to reignite nationalism in the American people.
“We’re gonna, you know, we’re gonna take America back,” Bush said, with a gleam in his eye, “We’ll return this great nation to its former glory.”
Bush said America needs a new image of strength and prosperity – a picture of change it can believe in. Village elders close to the president have said Bush began his “spirit campaign” two years ago, starting with impressionist paintings.
This artwork demonstrated that Bush is still a human being.
“I’ve talked with village elders. I’ve spoken to the proletariat. America’s sat by too long watching a womanly president fuck things up beyond recognition,” Bush said. “I think it’s time we took this country in the right direction. Don’t believe me? Look at this way: Are we better off now than we were in 2008?”
New photos surfaced of a strong, bear-like President Bush dressed for hunting, knowing it will inspire Americans to take up arms against the Red menace in the Ukraine.
A protest scheduled May 16 will give Americans their chance to register grievances in Washington, D.C. and call for the overthrow of the Obama regime. Demonstrators said they will call for the reinstatement of a further-right Bush doctrine “that would make the Tea Party look like a six-year-old’s imaginary affair.”
President Bush is expected to take office before the 2016 presidential election if necessary, but insiders caution that he could better secure “legitimacy” by waiting for a “vote” next year.
George “TerrorMax” Bush wonders where the Ukraine is located
George Bush a-huntin’ them Reds
Vladimir Bush is an adept fisherman
With a little help from his TerrorMax, George “Putin” Bush scans the horizon for Russkis
Snowden and Pussy Riot fled Russia before dumping power point plans for European invasion
INTERNET — Edward Snowden, famed NSA leaker, fled Russia Monday before dumping a database of power point presentations outlining Russia’s plans to invade Eastern Europe and rebuild the USSR under the new “Eurasian Union.”
Speaking from a hotel room in Tehran, Snowden denounced Putin’s imperial ambitions, saying, “I can no longer stay in Russia with knowledge of the impending invasion of Eastern Europe. If I had spoken my mind on this matter without a safe harbor in Iran, I’d have surely been disappeared or poisoned with polonium like other Russian dissidents.”
Snowden was joined in Tehran by members of Pussy Riot, and Nadya Tolokno also spoke to reporters, saying, “Here in Tehran we can openly wear our masks in public without fear of persecution. We can speak against Putin and the Orthodox church freely and without fear of punishment, so we have joined Snowden in exile.”
Critics of Pussy Riot and Snowden contest that sheltering under Tehran’s oppressive theocracy does their cause little good, while most supporters disagree. Pussy Riot and Snowden fan Jeremy Brown told reporters, “It’s all about keeping the fight going. I wouldn’t care if they were sheltered by Satan himself, as long as they didn’t wind up in some gulag that silenced them. So what if some Iranians practice genital mutilations or brutally silence their dissidents? Do you expect Nadya or Snowden to martyr themselves? That’s so last century.”