The CIA has immunized the globe from dangerous terrorist genes “for centuries to come”
INTERNET — The CIA’s secret terror vaccine program, used to preemptively punish foreigners with “terror markers” in their genome, ended today even as it successfully brought peace to areas of Pakistan, Afghanistan, and beyond.
By analyzing the genomes of billions and isolating a few terror markers which predisposed nine out of ten patients in clinical trials to “fundamentalism, violence, and ideological dissatisfaction with arbitrary governance or imperialism,” immunologists at the CIA were able to target and neutralize seemingly innocent children and even potential marriages which, according to science, would have led to millions of terrorism-related deaths.
CIA terror immunologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “It’s good that this information is coming out, and we can say openly the United States was not simply dropping bombs on random weddings in Pakistan and Afghanistan. These marriages would have surely lead to dangerous genetic combinations which would, according to sound science, breed killers and terrorists and potentially lead to the death of billions.”
Dr. Troubador, beaming in light of his success, said, “Terror is a global illness, an infection that spreads as a mind-virus to those who are predisposed to it. Through targeting certain genes common in the Middle East and eradicating weddings full of people who carry these terror markers, we’ve essentially immunized the human colony from terrorism for centuries to come.”
This announcement comes just one day before the opening of the 9/11 Memorial Museum at the site of Ground Zero. The 9/11 Memorial Museum, which houses thousands of unidentified body parts, is sponsored by Citibank and Cisco and its $65 million yearly bill will be paid for, in part, by light-blue 9/11 branded merchandise available to visitors at the 9/11 gift shop.
An emergency escape helicopter approaches the White House Friday morning as militias assemble at the gates
INTERNET — President Obama and staff fled to a secret location Friday afternoon utilizing escape tunnels and helicopters as armed American Spring militia men surrounded the White House.
American Spring militias now Occupy the White House and plan to hold a press conference within the hour, at which point analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador expects documents will be handed over to Congress demanding an end to Obamacare and massive revisions of the constitution.
Troubador speculated on possible outcomes of the new government and which leaders might rise to power, saying, “Jamie Jo Corne will likely worm her way into power, somehow, even if it takes decades of calculation and deception. Sure, she may not be a big name in the American Spring movement at the moment, but that’s to her advantage in the long run. Until then, she’ll continue to suckle at General Lee’s side, exercising her influence through him and swaying him more and more towards her racist agenda of deportation and holocaust.”
A mob of civil rights activists could change the way a bill becomes law Friday by repetitively chanting slogans.
If enough protesters chant “Nobama,” a key piece of legislation is likely to bypass Congressional oversight to become the first law in American history to be introduced by mob rule.
The Washington Bull Party will combine hateful Tea Party slogans with stubborn resolve to collapse the free market and shut down American ports, Bull Party Leader Jamie Jo Corne said in a YouTube video.
“I’m going to Washington, and I’m going to fuckin’ throw my sign in their FACE,” Corne said. “I want them fuckin’ ports closed down. You wanna hurt ‘em? Go for their god damn jugular. Don’t bitch kick ‘em.”
Corne accused viewers of being “pussified non-Americans” and said they are just as bad as those illegal immigrants taking over the United States, raping citizens.
Also called the “American Spring,” event planners said the demonstration is going to be a real barn-burner. If laws change at the whim of mob rule, then America will take one giant leap toward a greater Democracy.
INTERNET — Metamodernism is an ism. Ism’s are important, as they help us define our daily behaviors, creations and artistic expressions. Yep, they’re importante. Why though, you don’t ask? Well, I’ll tell you: we have a need to classify and quantify our emotions and creative endeavors into a ‘sandbox’. This ‘sandbox’ can be escaped, yet we have to forget all notions of ism’s. Lofty feat, most say.
Esteemed colleague and fellow Internet Chronicle writer espouses his theory of ism’s to me via Google Chats. I’m too lazy to post the whole log because I’m prescribing to a certain ism at the moment, but essentially his basic viewpoint was “Make something, call it art, label it a part of an ism, nice shiny business suit” — fuck, sorry Kilgoar, I totally botched that quote, but hey man, great coat-jacket.
If this isn’t a trademarked ideological symbol yet, let’s get ON that shit!
Screen left – Enter psychedelia – Yes hello, psychedelics here, we’ve heard of your oscillations and we’d like to confirm and deny your general thesis. Although, Shia Labeouf is right on the money… fuck I love money… anyway, ONWARD!
We want to know metamoderinism. I need it in my life, much like I need the Lord Jesus Christ, amen. I do believe they are one in the same. The oscillations of metamoderinism are simply vibrations, which is a theory as old as some fucking philosopher. We vibrate at a certain frequency, this is true. Some call it the “Vibration of Life”, those people are faggots and are most definitely Phish fans. This metamodern oscillation theory, however, produces many a stout question we must ask ourselves: “Are we truly this awesome?”
The answer is still yet to be determined, but after consulting Internet experts at the archive.org’s way-back machine pages of the fark message board, we can only begin to grasp the origins of metamodernist culture. Within these hallowed halls of truly lulzy past, reveal a dark underbelly — if not an intentional plot– to thrust the metmodernist meme upon a youth already devoid of post-modernism, a scene without a label… perhaps better left that way.
NAY! There’s no time for pussy-footin’ round these times when it comes to art! Qualify and quantify, stick it in your local sink-hole of a DYI venue and make sure to make fliers — pamphlets even — because that worked before, but this will work better[reasons]. As fledgling psych, philosophy and English makers we had to take it a step further to truly understand the chaos, the oscillations, the correction of errors due.
This time around, we got’em, boss… we got’em.
We took acid that night.
You know what, I have my life and you have yours, don’t fucking tread on me, ok mom?
Fascist Ukrainian zealots storm Moscow
INTERNET — Ukrainian fascists and their newly conscripted military marched on Russia Friday, taking both Moscow and St. Petersburg in an overnight “blitzkrieg” mobile infantry offensive. Millions are dead after preliminary warning nukes were detonated in low population density areas in the United States, Europe, Central Asia, Australia, and Siberia.
The American’s Nazi puppets in Kiev were aided by plausibly deniable drone strikes, but Putin, who has disappeared, threatened to level Kiev with “as many nuclear strikes as it might take,” and appeared shirtless, in front of a slowly waving a Soviet flag.
The UN has suggested citizens of the world dig themselves a “nuclear proof” foxhole at least ten feet underground and flee in the event of a detonation. The holes do not provide any protection unless citizens are deep within at the moment of detonation.
Climatologist Dr. Angsthrum H. Truebador said, “If we weren’t doomed to a slow population decline from carbon emissions, well now it looks like it will be a severe and possibly fatal crash. The few who survive will have scant memory of humanities’ great technological achievements. Thank God.”
Terryville’s golden suburban Saturday afternoon was disrupted by a suspicious glowing bag.
TERRYVILLE — The Terryville police finally got a chance to wheel out their mobile command unit and armored personnel carriers as downtown Terryville panicked when a suspicious plastic bag was left in the middle of main street by an unknown cowled man with a forked beard. The suspicious bag seemed to emit a pink mist as citizens and officers eyed it with increasing unease and terror. Terryville’s professional bomb squad detonated the bag, leaving a ten foot crater on main street, but analysis of the bag’s debris show it only contained an empty coffee cup from the Terryville 7/11.
Jeff Plenary told local television reporters, “You ever heard of nanothermite? Just a few grams of it and Terryville would be a smoking crater. Thank God it was just an empty cup in that bag. Better safe than sorry, I say. Thank God for the strong, militarized police force.” Plenary’s delightful, provincial account instantly went viral on the internet, where The Gregory Brothers autotuned it into a charming and catchy music video that has been viewed seventy million times already.
The Terryville SWAT team activated emergency terrorism provisions and tore through every closet and basement in Terryville, looking for the fork bearded man, who remains on the prowl. If you have any information on the identity or the whereabouts of the fork bearded man who may be responsible for the terroristic littering threat you are encouraged to contact Terryville’s terror hotline. Any bearded men should register at the police station before 4 am Sunday morning. Bearded men who fail to register will be charged with obstruction of justice and aiding the enemy.
Deric Loststutter debate has everything to do with victims, claims “victims”
INTERNET — Butthurt continued Monday from last week when Deric Lotstutter derailed a feminist hashtag reserved for rape survivor stories with his own Kentucky brand shameless self-promotion. News of the recent purchase of Lotstutter’s story by Brad Pitt’s film company and the renewal of Lotstutter’s #knightsec operations with “Anonymous” have emotions running high on all sides of the Lotstutter debate, but some critics are asking, “Isn’t the Lotstutter debate really a one-sided hatefest targeting Deric Lotstutter and acting out a perverted but nearly identical form of the very same behavior it opposes?”
Lebal Drocer, Inc. believes it is best to abort all mention of Deric Lotstutter and instead feature the fictional narratives of young teenage girls who, thanks in part to Deric Lotstutter’s vigilante campaigning, get to finally tell the whole world about that time when a gang of drunken jocks raped them, put it all on facebook, and were let off the hook by the local all-male football shadow government and then drew the heavy gaze of a nationwide Nancy Grace scale scandal.
One rape victim who wished to remain totally Anonymous came forward, triumphantly and without shame to declare in the voice of a gospel preacher, “Yes I was raped by Deric Loststutter. I am not ashamed to shout it from the mountain down to every household in the nation and make my narrative an essential, but truly Anonymous, part of the Hollywood movie starring Brad Pitt.”
Several other rape victims reportedly published similar comments in the abysmal “Ian Watkins Dead” comment section of this fine internet publication. One of the raped wrote, “KYAnonymous saved my life with his brutal rape. In fact, I’m part of the burgeoning rape fanatic underground and always dress like I want it. That’s why the fuck I didn’t report. I wanted it.”
One of the most beautiful and buxom rape victims took a picture that echoed through the internet’s counter-rape-sphere at maximum intensity. In the photo she held a card with a message that read:
“KyAnonymous raped me, Steubenville raped me, Nancy Grace raped me, those jocks and their parents too. You’re raping me right now by looking at this photo, the very thing that most bothers me. Stop looking. I don’t care that it even happened anymore, but it’s like the internet can’t let go of it. I feel like a toy of some monstrous infantile collective mind. Fuck you all. Die. The one small consolation is I’m about to get raped hardest of all by Brad Pitt, and that’s just hyperbolic rape. I used to be a misandrist in the days after the rape, but you made me into a misantrhope. Never speak of me again and give me my right to the abyss. I love you, grandma.”
World War 4: Modern Warfare hits shelves tomorrow
KIEV — Ukraine’s new government launched “anti-terror” military operations to eject Russian mercenaries entrenched in Eastern Ukraine. Mercenaries with these same fatigues were supported by the nationalist bike gang cavalry in taking Crimea from the new American-backed European Union “Nazis” in Kiev.
These are default lies, insulting to anyone with a shred of intelligence, which are plucked from the ocean of data available now that participating in a never ending focus group, “social media,” is the most popular pastime for internet users. The scary other is generated in a mutual relationship between the audience and the panderer, and this relationship is heightened where broadcasting equipment goes full facebook, twitter, youtube and eventually the audience and the panderer merge to generate an exceptionally convincing pander. This is a high-def photographic rendering of every ideological contour instead of the stylized oil canvas panoramas of the Nazis, Communists, or the victorious United States of America.
“Daym,” who died Wednesday from a heart attack, was known for his bombastic takeout reviews.
INTERNET — Youtube sensation and fast food review monarch “Daym” of the Daym Drops channel was known for a famous review of Five Guys Burgers and Fries, in which he coined his signature line, “Oh my Dayum.” Hundreds of fast food reviewers rallying under Daym’s hashtag, #teamdaym, have expressed solemn grief and are mourning Daym’s death by reviewing Wendy’s “secret menu” quadruple quarter pounder, the last burger Daym reviewed. Daym passed away Wednesday morning from a heart attack.
Joey, of Joey’s Super Kool Food Reviews and #teamdaym said, “Daym was the best food reviewer in the whole wee wide worldy, but I’m wambling. I’m wambling! Gang, Daym’s reviews were the benchmark for the industry. They separated amateur shot-in-car food chewers and the pros. His closeups of the food, the ‘peep game’, was a groundbreaking moment in YouTube fast food film and made everything I do possible. Gang, I’m wearing black for Daym.”
Around the nation, fast food restaurants are shutting down as automated FastBoxes replace expensive human workers who have been slowly pulled into the hellish tomb-world of material meaninglessness by the ethereal manifold omnipotent power of global economic forces beyond any human control. Where the restaurants have not closed, the drive through intercom has been outsourced to Mumbai. It seems the high quality fast food we’ve come to respect and critique has not only died, but so has its soul, which lurked somewhere inside the four hundred pound Daym Drops of YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook.
Kevin Mitnick and the Chinese President have hearts bleeding all over the NSA
BEIJING — Heartbleed, the most dangerous state-crafted cyber weapon since stuxnet, is a virus that infects nearly every device connected to the internet, and it was crafted by the NSA as an offensive weapon according to a statement from Chinese President Xi Jinping.
Heartbleed designer and government contractor Kevin Mitnick corroborated President Xi Jinping’s statements, saying, “All the spyware, malware, and adware floating around in the internet is damn near enough to crash domain name servers everywhere and there’s no fixing it without a rapid change in internet protocol infrastructure. If that wasn’t bad enough, there’s this invisible layer underneath tcp/ip that the NSA built hardware installed post-manufacture has been masking. If we don’t reign the NSA in, computers will never get faster and crawl to a near stop. I was on project Heartbleed and let me tell you, airplanes could fall out of the sky at any second if something isn’t done soon.”
Edward Snowden, left out of the limelight for once, issued a statement which said, “Kevin Mitnick was arrested and turned decades ago. He is a shill and I have the Power Points to prove it. If I were you, I wouldn’t pay so much attention to his point of view because it’s been compromised. Here in Russia, I have the freedom to say things that aren’t influenced by the US government’s geopolitical interests.”