Tony Hayward will likely be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom
WASHINGTON— In a move that is sure to stir up controversy among his supporters, President Barack Obama announced late Friday afternoon the first of his choices for the 2014 Presidential Medal of Freedom: Tony Hayward, the former chief executive of oil and energy company British Petroleum (BP).
Speaking from the Rose Garden, President Obama said, “Mr. Hayward was a critical, if not the critical component to the quick containment of public opinion of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill.”
When questioned about the sustained effects of the spill, Obama said, “Look, it’s like Tony says: in relation to the size of the ocean, the spill was relatively tiny.” Mr. Obama then added, with a wink towards the first lady, “What’s good for the goose, is great for the gander—am I right?”
Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, chief researcher at Lebal Drocer Laboratories, added, “It ain’t the size of the spill that matters. It’s the motion of the ocean.”
Mr. Hayward left his position as CEO of BP in October 2010. Although there were rumors that his resignation was due to cowardice, or “mishandling” of the oil spill, a BP press release stated that he left with the full confidence and satisfaction of the board of directors. An internal review, which was later declassified, called Hayward’s actions “heroic,” and a “patriotic.”
“After rigorous examination and careful delusion, we have determined T. Hayward’s bravery in the face of public outcry to be not only heroic, but god damn patriotic.”
BP Internal Affairs
Speaking to a White House insider on the condition of anonymity, this reporter can confirm that preparations are already under way for the ceremony, a lavish party to be held at the White House later this year. The ceremony will have a “Gulf Flavor” and “represent the biodiversity of the Gulf that BP had a large role in preserving.” Menu items being considered are: Catfish tartare, Gull kabobs, chocolate covered turtles, and a Pelican spiced ale – all of them sautéed in “a certain oil.”
The first lady is reported to be heavily involved in the planning and overall décor of the event. She wants to emphasize the local flora reminiscent of the darkest days of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. When questioned what exactly this might mean, the insider only said, “It means what you think. Brown. The ceremony is going to be brown.”
The Obamas are intent to play authentic New Orleans music during Mr. Wayward’s ceremony. Ms. Bovina Margot, a White House attaché dispatched to the Gulf to find suitable musicians, said, “They want traditional New Orleans music. They want to give regular, working musicians from the Bayou a chance to come up to Washington.” So far offers to perform have been extended to New Orleans based artists Juvenile, Mannie Fresh, Master P, and a rapper named Skull Duggery.
This decision falls on the nearly four year anniversary of the BP oil spill and on the evening of the State Department’s report to OK the controversial Keystone XL pipeline, a 1700 mile pipeline running from Alberta, Canada to the Gulf Coast in Texas.
According to Red Pill theorists, “sex market values” of men and women change differently as they age.
INTERNET — Men on Reddit forum The Red Pill want to help men become better men, but what does that mean? What is masculinity?
In swallowing the forum’s eponymous Red Pill, a man accepts an uncomfortable reality constructed of carefully plucked scientific statistics framed up by the capitalist “sex market” metaphor. In short, most Red Pill men believe women seek out muscular and boisterous men who will “neg” or casually insult women because this telegraphs a man’s high “sex market value.”
This infantile caricature of masculinity by self-proclaimed ‘puerarchists‘ (boy-rule-ists) instructs men that perceived masculinity is the only real masculinity. And maybe it is this masculinity that will get socially confused or rejected young men laid, but at what cost? Is this real masculinity?
Frederich Nietzsche self-published a corpus of world shattering literature and red faced rants targeting out every “great man” who’d been wrong about something in the past. Sure, he only had sex once in his life with a hooker and went home with a fatal case of Syphilis, but the great masculine “no” of Thus Spake Zarathustra echoes to this day.
Johannes Kepler said “no” to Ptolemaic astronomy, inventing an entirely novel solution for the movement of the planets. Partly because of his contempt for systems — including his own — Kepler was the first man on record to perceive ovals in planetary motion where others had seen only circles. Not only did Kepler’s heroic and recursive “no” help snap humanity out of thousands of years of blinding cosmological tradition, but he was doubly a man for saying “no” to prestige at every opportunity.
Perhaps the most famous philosopher in the western world, Socrates, did not gain his reputation by accident — he was a towering example of manhood. He did not write a single word of his all-the-more influential “no,” and when given a chance to apologize and go along with Athenian society, he could only say “no” and be put to death. Even as his disciples begged him to flee for his life, Socrates said “no.”
That masculinity must always look like hubris or ignorance to others, and it isn’t likely to get anyone laid. If masculinity is that very assault on perception itself, that “no” to the “natural attitude,” then clearly Red Pillers have left their masculinity at the door. A man who will change himself simply for social approval (sex) is no man at all. Especially in feminist literature worth anything at all, that kind of masculinity is ever present as it challenges the “natural attitude” and tears down invisible edifices of blinding tradition. It is the feminists, after all, who saw that linking submissive or yielding tendencies with the feminine, saying “yes” as opposed to that “masculine no,” is a language system of the patriarchs (or perhaps puerarchs).
Somewhere on earth in some small village maybe gender identities do not emerge or sew themselves into the fabric of power relations. But not here. So “what is it to be a man?” is not a question to be dismissed in a muddy mess of postgender postmodernisms or far worse, given over to its most popular and sexually gratifying answer. It is also not a question to be passed over in silence or generalized. Masculinity must remain a secret in its quiet corner, crazily working out its solipsistic answers as the rest of the world laughs and jeers.
Bearded Men are complaining about getting too many “Duck Dynasty” comments in public.
INTERNET — Increasingly, bearded men claim they have been “inundated” with comments about Duck Dynasty by self-proclaimed “clever” strangers in public.
“‘Oh I just love the Dynasty,’ the cashier told me. She said it slowly taking up lots of my time, as if I also loved the Dynasty, and I was offended. Just because I have a beard doesn’t mean I love Duck Dynasty. I wouldn’t know about it if I didn’t have a beard and sometimes I just feel like shaving it all off, just to get away from these Duck Dynasty comments,” said Jake Earl, 28 year old musician from Carlston, West Virginia. “But I can’t! I’ll lose all my ‘mountain’ cred and nobody will come to my bluegrass shows.”
Jake Earl found fame after a video of him shaving his beard in public went viral on YouTube.
Earl told our correspondent in Carlston, “I just felt this pressure building up, something like one of these mass shooters maybe,” Earl said, “I just couldn’t take the way I was being viewed by the world and everything just came crashing down on me. I felt a strong compulsion to cut it off in public, and I’m very sorry for throwing my hair at police officers.”
Authorities detained Earl but did not arrest him. Earl’s psychiatrist refused to give our reporters his diagnosis, but told us “Earl is feeling much better.”
Other local bearded men have stepped out of hiding to support Earl. Fred Dershowitz told reporters, “What Jake Earl did was heroic. I mean my beard is not even similar at all to Duck Dynasty. It’s cropped short! But still, every time I go to the grocery store, some slack-jawed idiot points at me and says ‘Duck dahnasty, yall! It’s a beard!’ and I felt the same urge Earl does. I think I’ll just shave mine off in public too.”
President Obama held a press release which denied Snowden’s accusation that the US was engaging in chemtrail and HAARP activity to the detriment of the climate in other parts of the world.
WASHINGTON — Recent revelations from Snowden outlined a complex cloud weather modification project carried out by the classified High Altitude Auroral Research Project (HAARP) and the Jet Fuel Cloud Seeding Program (JFCSP) commonly known as Chemtrails. Wednesday, President Obama stunned the public in a press release admitting to decades of classified weather modification by the United States and promised to establish a permanent international independent oversight committee.
President Obama shocked the world with candid words, “Hundreds of countries are carrying out weather modification programs, and we’re doing it better than any of them. However, this has been secret for too long. The American People need to know about what we do to make sure our children have something to eat each and every year. It’s true we need more oversight for geoengineering projects, so I’ve signed an executive order establishing an international third party oversight group to not only investigate for abuse but also to keep the public informed about new and existing geoengineering programs.”
President Obama addressed the tough topic head-on, building a strong case for the weather modification programs while refuting concerns from activists, saying, “Geoengineering is necessary for our country’s agricultural industries and keeps millions of Americans employed every year. Our efforts in high altitude microwave technology at HAARP combined with the innovations in cloud seeding technology introduced by the jet fuel industry gives the American People a level of control over the elements unprecedented in the history of mankind. American Scientists are quickly approaching capabilities which will not only curb global climate change, but also to put an end to disastrous hurricanes and typhoons. For decades these programs have been kept secret out of concern for national security, but I have decided there is no need to keep this program a secret. Sensational reports that the United States will exist in a ‘bubble’ as the rest of the world heats up uncontrollably have no basis in scientific fact.”
Aliens encircled and stole Plymouth Rock on Tuesday
BOSTON — Tuesday, hundreds of residents saw a glowing halo of yellow light float over Cape Cod before descending and encircling the monument in Pilgrim State Park at the site of Plymouth Rock. In an “incredible flash,” witnesses then saw the light disappear “into the stars,” and found Plymouth Rock missing from its rightful place. Nothing was left but a white residue that scientists are still analyzing.
Hank Wellsworth, head of the State Park’s custodial staff, witnessed the strange event from just outside the monument and tearfully told reporters, “They’re jealous of our great nation, and like us they know the end is coming for this planet, so they took the one thing that means the most to us.”
More skeptical witnesses were baffled and refused to comment, but President Obama ordered increased guard over other national treasures from the Liberty Bell to Ernest Hemingway’s polydactyl cats. The president also increased Air Force patrols of American air space and elevated the terror threat level to maximum. At an emergency press conference, White House Press Secretary Jay Carny told terrified reporters, “We’re not sure it was an alien attack, but the capabilities displayed by the lights and analysis of radar data points towards a military power thousands of years advanced beyond anything previously known.”
How did Manson create a “hard harem” and how can Red Pill dating enthusiasts learn from his gaming techniques?
REDDIT — With little or no effort to improve his physique, confidence, or any other aspect of his person for women — as so many alphas have labored at for years — Charles Manson attracted a harem of women who would murder for him. How did he do this, seemingly in contradiction to all Red Pill Theory?
Manson, a slight, strange, and even ugly man, did not impress his “hard” harem of women with muscles or boisterous and confident behavior, but instead initiated a storytelling tradition and wrote songs which both attracted women and tied them to him with such strong emotions that several members of his harem have weathered traumatic murder sprees, decades of separation, and even long-term solitary confinement and would return to his bed if given the chance — or even continue to murder at his command!
Through mastery of song, storytelling, and psychonautic bonding through LSD, Manson cultivated a value system which placed himself at the center of not only the women’s lives, but of their subjective realities. His power was such that it extended even into the realm of other alphas who were glad to be granted limited access to his harem in return for alpha services, such as threatening or even murdering Manson’s enemies. These men were no betas, but tough and confident alphas — and all of this is only scratching the surface of reasons why Manson went far beyond alpha.
If Manson’s practices were to be brought under one umbrella term, a beyond alpha’s ‘game’ might be called storytelling, or ‘cult game’ as some have suggested. However, a beyond alpha is not ‘gaming’ in any sense, but rather creating an inspiring vision of love. Here, telling stories and mastering musical instruments is the beyond alpha’s version of weight lifting or practicing confident pick up lines.The only alteration to appearance necessary for the beyond alpha might be growth of an excessively large beard, which likens the beyond alpha to great philosophers and prophets rather than muscle-bound athletes, field hands, or steroid junkies.
The beyond alpha does not approach women or even participate in the sexual market, but rather sets up his own system, his own market. Women approach him with knowledge of the rules of his particular creation because they have been influenced, and more importantly inspired, by his stories and songs. For the beyond alpha, every woman who seeks him out is by definition a Unicorn. However, and this is important, the beyond alpha exerts zero energy in attracting or approaching women — all his energy is spent on inspiring those around him with poetry and art.
Not every man can aspire to go beyond alpha, and in fact very few can. However, the lessons from beyond alphas such as Muhammed, Jesus, Raël, Manson, and others is clear: The reality revealed when you take the Red Pill is one that is made of clay — it can be altered. Any woman can become a Unicorn if you are able to inspire her. The sexual market and everything that comes with the Red Pill ideology is rooted in a common reality as revealed by the red pill, the “natural attitude,” but the beyond alpha does not submit even to this. He constructs his own reality, and as women flock to him he transforms them into loyal Unicorns. With this incredible power, the beyond alpha can even begin to subjugate other men.
VATICAN — Minister of hate Pope Benedict 111th ruled out the possibility of life after his reign, as prophecied by Malachy the dissident Catholic, whose insidious doctrine turned more than 800 million people against their faith, and toward Communism. Eastern Mythologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour attributes the collapse of known civilization to Malachy’s Prophecy, a contrived series of events so true, you won’t believe what Pope Francis – or Peter – does next.
Dr. Troubadour explains
From the Depths of Hippie Hell sprang forth Pope Francis, “whose daily headline-grabbing antics leave in their wake an insatiable hole for festering human torment. Behind [Francis] lay victims – victims of his insanity and loss of innocence, victims of desire, victims of ruthless geopolitical gain… Victims, as Malachy puts, of ourselves.” Pope Peter will feed all of his flock and he will be the last Pope as the world burns from the resulting global warming.Global warming, created primarily by the insidious competing ideologies of Communism and Capitalism undercut the church just as Malachy predicted.
Watch closely, she’s doing the tongue thing, a seductive, Satanic, and demonic trick of the Devil’s that has been used by Miley Cyrus. This happens when young women are possessed. Now little children, 8 years old and 12 years old, are getting involved with twerking, which is a form of pagan worship. Her hair was done up in devil horns at her MTV video awards performance. Hidden in plain sight, these tongues are an invocation to Kali, the false Hindu idol. Miley’s body has been violated with pagan tattoos such as the “om” symbol from Eastern religions and the “evil eye” from Islam.
Do you think that the possibility the NSA could spy on a few hundred AnonOps “members” of Anonymous is crazier than William Blake? Buy Barrett “Che” Brown t-shirts and support a hero today.
INTERNET — Behind the thin veneer of Barrett Brown, the heroic poster boy from Anonymous who is facing a century in prison “simply for sharing a link,” there is an untold story of a man broken, in part, by his own treacherous words.
Instances in which Brown acted as a spokesperson for a group of hackers who conducted operations on an IRC site called ‘AnonOps’ exist. Or they at least seem to exist, even after Brown announced his retirement! Brown told Vice, from prison, “Even now, in prison I’m not [spokesperson for Anonymous]. For two years now I’ve denied that publicly. Every time I’m asked, it turns out that I’m not.” Brown’s reporting is so finely attuned to to the truth, even from prison, it seems fit only for the distinguished and infallible Internet Chronicle.
Brown was advocate for a shard of something that called itself Anonymous, and that much can at least be said with certainty. Brown’s corner of Anonymous was a tightly (or loosely) knit group of hackers (and others) on one particular network, which spoke with a voice which was identified as Anonymous. AnonOps IRC was an environment which through its very architecture bore its own particular organization and cultural expectations, as opposed to the extremely libertarian, minimalist restrictions of /b/ (Don’t click)). This distinct difference between core values of /b/ and those in AnonOps certainly find some overlap, especially when stated, but these are two separate worlds in practice (more here).
The cancer that is /b/ emanates through its own hegemonic humor hate machine, but the emphasis on anonymity — this eponymous ideology is one the culture luckily stumbled upon which protects their humor from sinking to the level of guys like me — is such that virtually nobody other than Boxxy uses a pseudonym and gets away with it for very long. The kind of conversation that takes place on /b/ is nearly entirely devoted to generating novel emotional responses through diverse media, despite being unfortunately called an “imageboard.” Scary storytelling traditions (creepypasta), serious texts that seem real but suddenly end with a gag (another kind of copypasta), and greentext (a unique genre of prosey-poetry mishmash) among other more opaque traditions and alternate reality games are just the beginning to the treasure trove of original content which, of course, leaks out from /b/ on a regular basis. The pranks of /b/ were delivered under the auspices of an ever-changing figure which assumed the name of each and every participant. Anonymous was one out of the multitude, an archetypal trickster, a comic book madman a la DeadPool, and a living god (perhaps converting one (more than one) would-be spinoff prophet into a monistic manic arrested for threatening police with the All Life Is One mind virus).
This Anonymous was not the Anonymous of resistance to power and not the Anonymous Barrett Brown defended or represented to the press. His Anonymous was the Guy Fawkes clad multitude, individuals with masks and scary computer skills — almost as scary as the NSA, and eternally at war with it. There’s no telling how deeply unfair this characterization may be, or “who Brown really was,” but he stated these things, seemingly, in his own words. Barrett Brown’s piece, Yes, you should join Anonymous points parties interested in “joining” Anonymous towards AnonOps and makes no mention of /b/ — the plea seems to be a discussion of an Anonymous very far removed from the Anonymous of /b/. Arguably, the Anonymous of /b/ is not even one that can be “joined,” it is many voices in one — massively shared being (it’s naughty stuff).
I was contacted by Brown after a reporter at the Internet Chronicle identified only as “lowercase anonymous” wrote a response to Yes, you should join Anonymous. Brown hotly assumed I’d written the response, which was ominously titled BARRETT BROWN LEADS ANONYMOUS INTO CERTAIN DOOM, but I gave Brown’s number to anonymous so he could fume into the proper receptacle. In the phone call, Brown spewed bigoted slurs with no air of 4chan’s playful bent and told anonymous, “you’re not Anonymous, sweetheart.” Brown mocked the concerns anonymous shared about the NSA’s extensive espionage, calling the concerns “nuts,” and also employed a version of the “nothing to hide” argument that has been framed as a “myth” (lie) and “debunked” at least twenty-seven times since Snowden’s first revelation. How could someone so deep into research of government cyberwar contractors have that kind of an attitude?
AntiSec, a rebranded “serious” version of LulzSec — this transition itself is something like a microcosmic flash of the great divide between /b/ and AnonOps — fell to the lead of hacker Sabu, who very quickly fell into the grateful hands of the FBI. It may be impossible to know the extent to which such outrageous things as the targeting of journalists was influenced by Sabu’s FBI handlers, but there was a marked change in attitude that seemed to agree with Barrett Brown and many others. The choice of government targets was inspiring in its audacity.
On Christmas Eve of 2011, AnonOps dumped a database containing potentially sensitive information on Stratfor subscribers, many of them journalists who subscribed to its popular publication as an important source for their work. This information was then used in a free-for-all by frenzied hackers who gleefully made “donations” to several charities using money stolen from average-joe journalists. Again, there is no telling how much of this was influenced by the FBI. After a widely-circulated Emergency Christmas Press Release pastebin denied that these attacks were the work of Anonymous (and presciently called Sabu out as an agent provocateur), Zoe Fox of CNN wrote, “A press release is circulating, saying that the Stratfor hack is not the work of Anonymous. However, it is difficult to tell who is correct.”
Brown responded to the Emergency Christmas Press Release by editing the original document into a meaningless pastiche of inside jokes cribbed (or co-opted) from /b/ and subtitled this unfunny mess THE PASTEBIN CLAIMING THAT THE STRATFOR HACK IS NOT THE WORK OF ANONYMOUS IS NOT THE WORK OF ANONYMOUS. Brown signed this with his twitter address underneath the Anonymous signoff with the kind of impeccable taste and class that was not thought to exist outside of the Internet Chronicle.
After news broke that Sabu had long been working for the FBI, Brown seemed to enter a painful tailspin in a whirlwind of his own treacherous words and intravenously injected oral heroin substitutes. When the FBI confiscated his laptop, Brown no longer defended the Stratfor Christmas Eve credit card thefts he had earlier backed away from (but not without trumpeting an “amoral dictate”). Even still, Brown weakly dismissed the carding of innocents as “unnecessary,” only hinting at the possibility of a set of scruples which might possibly forbid wanton and arbitrary theft.
Brown wrote of a list of topics of information the FBI sought in his laptop, “I am happy to post this list as it contains the names of two firms – HBGary and Endgame Systems – which I will now have particular opportunity to discuss, in a more public setting, as this matter proceeds.”
Brown’s latest musings on his hatred for reality television and old literature can be found on Vice and other publications, and much like the Internet Chronicle, this type of stuff is best read as incisive and sarcastic commentary from a freedom fighting hero and not the ravings of a bigot with a mouth much larger than his brain.
Fans who are still waiting for their YAN merchandise are excited to own a new crypto-currency dedicated to YAN mugs and t-shirts.
WASHINGTON — Thursday morning, in a move sure to stun masked Anonymous teens everywhere, YourAnonNews announced that its invisible controllers have created their very own cryptocurrency. On Feruary 1, 2014, Your Anon News will open trading of YANCoins (YANC) to the general public.
According to inside sources, tens of thousands of YANcoins have already been mined and disbursed in secret, but with the launch of YANSoft, these coins will be made available on a market strictly controlled by a small group of Anonymous financial experts. Investors will be able to exchange YANcoins for Bitcoins, but only YAN merchandise can be purchased after this exchange.
YANcoins are mined by an invasive browser add-on known as YANSoft, a controversial application emblazoned with the motto “Nothing For Something.” Critics complained YANSoft installs an “Anonymous toolbar” into the browser which cannot be removed without also uninstalling the proprietary blockchain backbone for YANcoin.
Security expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador warned potential users in strong terms, stating, “YANSoft is riddled with vulnerabilities, spyware, popups, and malware. Under no circumstances should anyone consider its built in ‘onion router’ secure. If anything, YANSoft’s so-called security features will make any browser many orders of magnitude less secure.”
Internet Chronicle reporters reached out to YAN’s anonymous spokesperson, who insulted fans openly, “Our last fundraiser, which promised goods in exchange for donations, was such a success that we decided a dedicated one-way crypto-currency could make us even more dosh. Just think about it! The sheep will give us Bitcoins in return for spyware and more empty promises of merchandise!” The YourAnonNews spokesperson also pledged that proceeds from YANcoins will go to The YANnabis Dispensary & BongMart™, which is set to open in Denver, Colorado, just as soon as OP delivers.