Pope Francis with his coat of arms and brass ring of power.
INTERNET — Pope Francis went over the heads of the Cardinals by issuing an Encyclical which will assemble a worldwide Ecumenical council including the highest leaders from every faith.
In his statement, Pope Francis said, “God has chosen Buenos Aires as the grounds for the merging of all faiths. The biblical convention welcomes all in the writing of our global seminal holy text. Will it be a concise set of poetic aphorisms, lengthy genealogy, didactic farming advice, or an epic war poem? No! It will be a major media event Tweeted and E-Mailed to every person on earth as five different Reality shows featuring the hottest monks and nuns in humiliating sexual situations compete to invent the world’s next religion. Everyone will be converted if we just blow the Vatican’s treasury on Persona Management propaganda from our friends at HBGary, and the world will have ten million years of peace.”
Atheist speaker Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador condemned this speech, slamming his fists on the podium, “Ain’t that Pope ever read the bible? What he’s intendin on doin’ is building him a big ol’ Tower of Babel, I tell you what. That’s a religion designed to come a tumblin’ down, but he’s mad with power. Them Marxists slipped one through to United States president and now they done it in Rome, by gum.”
The inverted pyramid of the Bitcoin Occult Association represents upside down capitalism acting as the horizon for the all-seeing-eye.
INTERNET — Many Bitcoin investors panicked as all Bitcoin trading came to a mysterious stop on Sunday.
Cryptanalyst Dr. Angstrom Troubador of the Secret FISA Cuthbert Institute of Technology at Palantir stepped forward to take responsibility, telling the press, “A new generation of bitcoin millionaires and billionaires have infested the streets of America with hybrid cars which are designed to last for exactly 8 years. Bitcoin’s annihilation and incorporation into the general world economy acts as a turbo-boost for the empire. Can you feel it happening? The Shift is here. Capitalism 2.0, man. Artificial moneymaking crowdbanking fads which work to the benefit of the individual and the whole. It’s trickle-up fad economics, but it just swings. People will make billions, even trillions, and then the banks will kill it at a pre-ordained time. This will happen again and again, and it is a part of their plan to rebuild the middle class and the — uh — developing class.”
After many reporters chanted “Occupy Wall Street” and were thrown out of the room, Doctor Troubador continued, “The Occult knowledge of Bitcoin has been hidden, but I quote the seminal message of its creator: ‘Live by the coin. Die by the coin. For know one day a coin will always rise again, better than all others, and at this point a peaceful sanity will descend over the planet.’”
Trading continues at a much depressed state in markets continuing to sell Litecoins and PPCoins. but dogecoins are now traded at an astounding rate and worth, quadrupling in value over night.
The owner of MtGox, Dr. Satoshi Nakomoto, pounded his corporate fist at his podium, “We aren’t closing down, but we’re downsizing. If they bust Litecoin, we’re done. The Coin Fad is almost over, man. I’m calling it now. It was exactly like Tulips. Funny money. No one should have taken it, it was a bogus hacker prank from the get-go. Mt. Gox will continue to offer an alternative to Paypal, who if you’ll remember once blockaded our dear friends at Anonymous — the brave ones who stand for freedom and mere destruction of all governments everywhere. Support Mt. Gox, and you support a proud member of Anonymous.” Dr. Nakomoto winked at the camera.
The Hyper Squirrel is a futuristic endangered species engineered by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador.
INTERNET — Thursday, BioScientist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador invented a new kind of squirrel. The Hyper Squirrel is barely able to hang on because it’s so tiny it can’t compete with the predominant species, the American squirrel. Already, Hyper Squirrel activist groups have rallied to support the Hyper Squirrel’s equal rights and diversity. Larger squirrels will be humanely caged and removed from the Hyper Squirrel’s natural environment at the Troubador Polytechnical Institute’s campus.
Dr. Troubador told reporters, “We plan to expand the invention of new endangered species to an industrial scale and open up franchises in every major biosphere on the planet. This will both speed up evolution and provide the planet with enhanced biodiversity, possibly curbing the threat of global warming. These fast-evolving trash squids I’ve been working on will thrive in that hellish whirlpool of plastic human detritus in the Pacific and absorb carbon dioxide.”
Anonymous Scientists at DARPA criticized Dr. Troubador, saying, “We’ve all known about the climate change hoax for a long time, but if Troubador wanted to speed up evolution I suggest he just introduce invasive species to new parts of the world. We’ve been doing this for years. Whatever animal consumes the most is of course the most evolved, the antithesis of something like that puny Hyper Squirrel. What he’s doing is slowing down evolution. I’ve been working on this terrible plague to unleash which, when it runs its course, will basically make us immune to any foreseeable biological alien attack. It’s not a doomsday project, just a cosmic immunization. One day we may even kill and eat the aliens, if we continue steadfast with such projects. We’ve been working with the airline companies for decades on this. Another thirty years or so and we’ll be in the clear.”
These Litecoins are exploding in value.
INTERNET — A single Litecoin article covering increased Litecoin trading sparked a crazed rush on the Litecoin market. Bitcoins take days to transfer and will eventually become too taxing for affordable computer systems. Litecoins, on the other hand, will only become faster as time goes on. Litecoins are so fast a crafty programmer made a fully-functional Litecoin client entirely with QBASIC — and it was faster than any Bitcoin client yet.
Chronicle.SU now holds the entire Litecoin market in its Search Engine Optimized clutches and can drive the Litecoin market price up or down at a whim by fabricating so-called “sigils” using “Chaos Magic,” the Nietzschean cosmic dancer of Magic close akin to the Anti-Leader. The Anti-Leader’s Handbook is an Occult text on Anonymous which paved the way for the TransHuman Religion of the one true Emergent Internet Deity, Inglip — the being responsible for the invention of peer to peer crypto-currencies also known as Satoshi Nakamoto.
With increased interest in Creating more Magic Reality with further sigil-bearing Litecoin Articles, one Litecoin is expected to be worth nearly $10,000 in just 6 months. Invest in Litecoins now. They’ll never be worth nothing.
Tranquilizing dart turrets will be placed in all public places, protecting everyone from a sudden shooting.
INTERNET — Hacker Group Anonymous unveiled that NeoReactionarian Oligarchists in possession of an HBGary “Metal Gear” Persona Management propaganda system on Twitter are steadily brainwashing “Anarchists” into opposing police. The NeoReactionarians are a collection of billionaires with aspirations of building one world oligarchy based on scientifically derived algorithmic economic models regulated in the Cloud.
Already the NeoReactionaries have warehouses full of robotic “drone” style police equipment clogging their shelves, and abolishing the police is the only way for these industries to expand. HBGary offshoot Booz Allen Hamilton fell under similar allegations after orchestrating a “Snowden Psyop” aimed at taking down the NSA, and may now receive over 10 billion dollars in federal funding for their own privatized NSA-style datamining facility.
One Anonymous NeoReactionarian robot-manufacturing Billionaire smiled, “We’ve got enough non-lethal fast action tranquilizing dart turrets to equip all the public spaces in the nation. There will be no need for police, and the age of school shootings, public rapes, and so on will be over. We can’t run this economy on the whims of the average idiot, either, so the Robot Consortium is taking over and eliminating nearly all remaining democratic institutions. We’re even revoking all of the stock to the stockholders, if you can believe it! Just leave the economy in our robotic hands.”
Hacker collective Anonymous takes credit for decimating the Internet Chronicles servers or something.
INTERNET — The Internet Chronicle was under siege Sunday evening, as packets flooded in from across the globe, shutting down the site temporarily. This tactic is widely known and used by Anonymous, a loose-knit offshoot of Anonymous hacker group known as Anonymous, as an act of censorship to protest censorship and other such social injustices. Sure enough, moments after the attack began, the Anonymous flagship account @YourAnonNews took credit for the attack, issuing an ominous “Mango Down,” which is a technique pioneered by Anonymous subset troll organization the “Rustle League.” The @YourAnonNews attack was rumored to be spearheaded by Anonymous Commander “xyz” and collaborator “xnite.”
Staff writers were initially taken aback by this ugly turn of events, as we’ve always had a really great relationship with Anonymous and all of its offshoot groups. However, spiritual peace in our office was soon attained once resident Internet anthropologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador relished in the idea that we were actually a target of a “virtual sit-in.”
At a board meeting this morning, Dr. Troubador expressed with great exuberance how this pseudoevent was actually a blessing in disguise, as it cemented the Internet Chronicle forever in the annals of Internet history as a target of Anonymous. During his two hour long slide-show, Dr. Troubador referenced respected Internet anthropologists Gabriella Coleman and Peter Ludlow, the former actually being the current leader of Anonymous, and blamed Chronicle writers for making fun of Christ-like martyr and ex-leader of Anonymous, Barrett Brown, citing this as the cause for the attack.
“You idiots think you can just run around writing about whatever you want and get away with it? This isn’t the Internet of yesterday, my friends, this is an Internet ruled by the power of Anonymous and it’s about time we fucking recognized it.” Troubador said, poetically taking a drag from his spliff.
Upon leaving the meeting, all staff had to purchase Coleman’s book “Coding Freedom” to be read immediately and were forced to sign an agreement form that said we would pre-order her upcoming book on the hegemonic Internet force that is Anonymous.
This image, created by Anons Against YourAnonNews, shows Vince this summer (Left) and just a few days ago (Right).
INTERNET — Fans of the hacker ensemble Anonymous have long found a home at Vince in The Bay, an internet talk radio show where anything goes except on-air doxings and swattings (malicious tactics used by hackers to silence one another). The show’s host, Vince, recently lost weight and gained a seemingly new, more aggressive, persona.
Jeremy Hammond, an Anonymous hacker, was recently sentenced to 10 years in prison after going on a hacking spree guided by FBI turncoat and former Anonymous leader Sabu. Fans of Vince in The Bay noticed general personality changes in the host, Vince, which seemed to climax in his spontaneous victim statement at Jeremy Hammond’s sentencing which Motherboard called “bizarre,” scare-quoting the word “‘victim.’”
Vince at first received accolades for trolling the proceedings, but then later claimed he had not actually been trolling the Hammond trial. Vince maintains that he was indeed swatted, doxed, pizza bombed, and Chinese Food bombed by the hacker ensemble Anonymous and its “Rustle League” offshoot. Vince demanded members of “Rustle League” apologize to Ron Brynaert, who faced the same strange persecutions as Vince, but then Vince was caught dodging questions about his use of testosterone supplements.
Anons Against YourAnonNews, a troupe of Anons defined by their opposition to the delayed distribution of mass-produced Anonymous merchandise provided by YourAnonNews, claimed Vince reconciled with Sabu before making his victim statement. Anons Against YourAnonNews also insinuated Vince most likely was Sabu all along.
However, conclusive hacking evidence unearthed by Anonymous sub-group GNAA reveals Vince in the Bay indeed regained his slim, muscular figure and aggressive masculine personality by purchasing testosterone supplements on the Silk Road 2, a bitcoin black market hosted on the Tor. One Anonymous GNAA Hacker said, “We’re worried Vince might be increasing his dosages to dangerous levels as he’s switched to the intravenous testosterone. It’s also possible he’s dealing the ‘T’ to local teenagers in order to finance his growing habit. Either way, we’re worried about this new slimmed down Vince. He’s unhinged.”
New “One Ring” Operating System terrifies audiences
The One Ring Headquarters (Internet)
One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
INTERNET — Do you hear the sound of your mind being submerged in its unconscious? The psychic pulsing green beams of Google, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube (It’s your main man, Daym) are converging in a single beam that will finally blast Alderaan to pieces.
The challenge for operating system designers has been to merge all of these most popular services into one slick interface which is even more passive than a television.
The Anonymous Creator of The One Ring rose to this challenge, creating the first distributed cloud computed crypto-network to rule them all. The One Ring will be controlled by a secret algorithm which will zero in on and overdetermine your unconscious mind in a way that will not only allow you to buy the products most suited to you, but also challenge your perceptions about the Arabs in subtle ways.
Users of The One Ring report missing work and being unable to disconnect from endless feeds of Lolcats, Trollfaces (RIP cololo), and Miley’s new Sex Tape which recently aired on Cinemax.
Users of Diaspora have been the only people to resist use of The One Ring, and exist in a “Zion from Matrix” style world where they have not yet been sucked into the “False Reality” created by The One Ring.
When Diaspora came along, no one at the time could have predicted it would be the Litecoin of social networks. Now, the transmutation of popular opinion into popular action has usurped the need for contemplation, hesitation and even inaction, against all warnings of the great philosopher Sun Tzu.
Modified Memes inside The One Ring’s “+1″ death spiral reportedly “enhance” themselves by adding political or religious symbols and other permutations in a “Naturally selected” ecosystem which enhances the addictive quality of The One Ring over previous data algorithm manipulations, like Facebook.
The “False” “”Reality”" theory of the One Ring Cloud Solution enables micropurchases at a baffling volume and scale. A shred of desire instantly manifests itself as the object in question, and no one is hungry. None thirsty. Conversely, no one is anything, once they become a part of The One Ring™ Cloud.
Viking culture was often adopted by an ascendant ruling warrior class in Viking conquered territories such as Ireland. More often, inhabitants were sold into slavery in the Muslim world.
There is an ancient Icelandic Saga, long considered a work of fiction but now backed up by some archaeology, about a young boy abducted by Vikings and taken from the native population of Nova Scotia during their logging expedition from Greenland. Gar the Skraelinger was probably an Algonquin, but he was raised as a Viking in Iceland. At 15, Gar joined the elite company of Sven Forkbeard and raided as far as Miklagard, or Constantinople. Here, Gar the Skraelinger participated on a brave attack on Roman soldiers which earned his company a compliment from the Roman Emperor and a lucrative job. Gar served in the first Varingian Guard, an elite marine attack force composed of only the fiercest Viking Warriors. It is also written that Gar converted to Christianity upon visiting the Hagia Sophia.
Little more is known about Gar, but it is recorded he died heroically defending his ship during a portage on return north. In Iceland, remains from shortly after Gar the Skraelinger’s time have been found in a Christian burial. These remains are preserved well enough to show some genes from a likely North American source. However, Norse genes were also found, leading some to theorize Gar may have fathered at least one child.
Hurricane Pseudoevent in fact a real event.
INTERNET — The world’s largest ever recorded Hurricane smashed into Indonesia on Friday, killing millions of inhabitants and washing entire islands into the sea. What little is left of the area received less than half the attention of last year’s Hurricane Sandy, which struck New York City, killing 285 precious American lives.
Angered climate scientist, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, responded to a media narrative framing the worst storm ever recorded as proof of climate change, “This in itself could never be some kind of proof for a general trend in the overall climate, especially one created by man. It is merely the first on record, and surely these increasing storms have no relations to a century of vigorous burning of much of this planet’s ancient forests and slime beds.”
Bono is planning a star-studded fundraiser in support of the few who are left alive after the worst catastrophe in human history. Donation Lines are already open — Text EternalStorm to 555 on your cell phone now to donate $555 and receive a commemorative 24 karat gold watch scavenged from the ruined islands.