Fascist Ukrainian zealots storm Moscow
INTERNET — Ukrainian fascists and their newly conscripted military marched on Russia Friday, taking both Moscow and St. Petersburg in an overnight “blitzkrieg” mobile infantry offensive. Millions are dead after preliminary warning nukes were detonated in low population density areas in the United States, Europe, Central Asia, Australia, and Siberia.
The American’s Nazi puppets in Kiev were aided by plausibly deniable drone strikes, but Putin, who has disappeared, threatened to level Kiev with “as many nuclear strikes as it might take,” and appeared shirtless, in front of a slowly waving a Soviet flag.
The UN has suggested citizens of the world dig themselves a “nuclear proof” foxhole at least ten feet underground and flee in the event of a detonation. The holes do not provide any protection unless citizens are deep within at the moment of detonation.
Climatologist Dr. Angsthrum H. Truebador said, “If we weren’t doomed to a slow population decline from carbon emissions, well now it looks like it will be a severe and possibly fatal crash. The few who survive will have scant memory of humanities’ great technological achievements. Thank God.”
Terryville’s golden suburban Saturday afternoon was disrupted by a suspicious glowing bag.
TERRYVILLE — The Terryville police finally got a chance to wheel out their mobile command unit and armored personnel carriers as downtown Terryville panicked when a suspicious plastic bag was left in the middle of main street by an unknown cowled man with a forked beard. The suspicious bag seemed to emit a pink mist as citizens and officers eyed it with increasing unease and terror. Terryville’s professional bomb squad detonated the bag, leaving a ten foot crater on main street, but analysis of the bag’s debris show it only contained an empty coffee cup from the Terryville 7/11.
Jeff Plenary told local television reporters, “You ever heard of nanothermite? Just a few grams of it and Terryville would be a smoking crater. Thank God it was just an empty cup in that bag. Better safe than sorry, I say. Thank God for the strong, militarized police force.” Plenary’s delightful, provincial account instantly went viral on the internet, where The Gregory Brothers autotuned it into a charming and catchy music video that has been viewed seventy million times already.
The Terryville SWAT team activated emergency terrorism provisions and tore through every closet and basement in Terryville, looking for the fork bearded man, who remains on the prowl. If you have any information on the identity or the whereabouts of the fork bearded man who may be responsible for the terroristic littering threat you are encouraged to contact Terryville’s terror hotline. Any bearded men should register at the police station before 4 am Sunday morning. Bearded men who fail to register will be charged with obstruction of justice and aiding the enemy.
Deric Loststutter debate has everything to do with victims, claims “victims”
INTERNET — Butthurt continued Monday from last week when Deric Lotstutter derailed a feminist hashtag reserved for rape survivor stories with his own Kentucky brand shameless self-promotion. News of the recent purchase of Lotstutter’s story by Brad Pitt’s film company and the renewal of Lotstutter’s #knightsec operations with “Anonymous” have emotions running high on all sides of the Lotstutter debate, but some critics are asking, “Isn’t the Lotstutter debate really a one-sided hatefest targeting Deric Lotstutter and acting out a perverted but nearly identical form of the very same behavior it opposes?”
Lebal Drocer, Inc. believes it is best to abort all mention of Deric Lotstutter and instead feature the fictional narratives of young teenage girls who, thanks in part to Deric Lotstutter’s vigilante campaigning, get to finally tell the whole world about that time when a gang of drunken jocks raped them, put it all on facebook, and were let off the hook by the local all-male football shadow government and then drew the heavy gaze of a nationwide Nancy Grace scale scandal.
One rape victim who wished to remain totally Anonymous came forward, triumphantly and without shame to declare in the voice of a gospel preacher, “Yes I was raped by Deric Loststutter. I am not ashamed to shout it from the mountain down to every household in the nation and make my narrative an essential, but truly Anonymous, part of the Hollywood movie starring Brad Pitt.”
Several other rape victims reportedly published similar comments in the abysmal “Ian Watkins Dead” comment section of this fine internet publication. One of the raped wrote, “KYAnonymous saved my life with his brutal rape. In fact, I’m part of the burgeoning rape fanatic underground and always dress like I want it. That’s why the fuck I didn’t report. I wanted it.”
One of the most beautiful and buxom rape victims took a picture that echoed through the internet’s counter-rape-sphere at maximum intensity. In the photo she held a card with a message that read:
“KyAnonymous raped me, Steubenville raped me, Nancy Grace raped me, those jocks and their parents too. You’re raping me right now by looking at this photo, the very thing that most bothers me. Stop looking. I don’t care that it even happened anymore, but it’s like the internet can’t let go of it. I feel like a toy of some monstrous infantile collective mind. Fuck you all. Die. The one small consolation is I’m about to get raped hardest of all by Brad Pitt, and that’s just hyperbolic rape. I used to be a misandrist in the days after the rape, but you made me into a misantrhope. Never speak of me again and give me my right to the abyss. I love you, grandma.”
World War 4: Modern Warfare hits shelves tomorrow
KIEV — Ukraine’s new government launched “anti-terror” military operations to eject Russian mercenaries entrenched in Eastern Ukraine. Mercenaries with these same fatigues were supported by the nationalist bike gang cavalry in taking Crimea from the new American-backed European Union “Nazis” in Kiev.
These are default lies, insulting to anyone with a shred of intelligence, which are plucked from the ocean of data available now that participating in a never ending focus group, “social media,” is the most popular pastime for internet users. The scary other is generated in a mutual relationship between the audience and the panderer, and this relationship is heightened where broadcasting equipment goes full facebook, twitter, youtube and eventually the audience and the panderer merge to generate an exceptionally convincing pander. This is a high-def photographic rendering of every ideological contour instead of the stylized oil canvas panoramas of the Nazis, Communists, or the victorious United States of America.
“Daym,” who died Wednesday from a heart attack, was known for his bombastic takeout reviews.
INTERNET — Youtube sensation and fast food review monarch “Daym” of the Daym Drops channel was known for a famous review of Five Guys Burgers and Fries, in which he coined his signature line, “Oh my Dayum.” Hundreds of fast food reviewers rallying under Daym’s hashtag, #teamdaym, have expressed solemn grief and are mourning Daym’s death by reviewing Wendy’s “secret menu” quadruple quarter pounder, the last burger Daym reviewed. Daym passed away Wednesday morning from a heart attack.
Joey, of Joey’s Super Kool Food Reviews and #teamdaym said, “Daym was the best food reviewer in the whole wee wide worldy, but I’m wambling. I’m wambling! Gang, Daym’s reviews were the benchmark for the industry. They separated amateur shot-in-car food chewers and the pros. His closeups of the food, the ‘peep game’, was a groundbreaking moment in YouTube fast food film and made everything I do possible. Gang, I’m wearing black for Daym.”
Around the nation, fast food restaurants are shutting down as automated FastBoxes replace expensive human workers who have been slowly pulled into the hellish tomb-world of material meaninglessness by the ethereal manifold omnipotent power of global economic forces beyond any human control. Where the restaurants have not closed, the drive through intercom has been outsourced to Mumbai. It seems the high quality fast food we’ve come to respect and critique has not only died, but so has its soul, which lurked somewhere inside the four hundred pound Daym Drops of YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook.
Kevin Mitnick and the Chinese President have hearts bleeding all over the NSA
BEIJING — Heartbleed, the most dangerous state-crafted cyber weapon since stuxnet, is a virus that infects nearly every device connected to the internet, and it was crafted by the NSA as an offensive weapon according to a statement from Chinese President Xi Jinping.
Heartbleed designer and government contractor Kevin Mitnick corroborated President Xi Jinping’s statements, saying, “All the spyware, malware, and adware floating around in the internet is damn near enough to crash domain name servers everywhere and there’s no fixing it without a rapid change in internet protocol infrastructure. If that wasn’t bad enough, there’s this invisible layer underneath tcp/ip that the NSA built hardware installed post-manufacture has been masking. If we don’t reign the NSA in, computers will never get faster and crawl to a near stop. I was on project Heartbleed and let me tell you, airplanes could fall out of the sky at any second if something isn’t done soon.”
Edward Snowden, left out of the limelight for once, issued a statement which said, “Kevin Mitnick was arrested and turned decades ago. He is a shill and I have the Power Points to prove it. If I were you, I wouldn’t pay so much attention to his point of view because it’s been compromised. Here in Russia, I have the freedom to say things that aren’t influenced by the US government’s geopolitical interests.”
Ancient aliens who have carefully cultivated life on Earth from a distance used this tracking beacon on Mars to guide their ships in safely and undetected.
OLYMPUS MONS — Final and incontrovertible proof of intelligent alien life was photographed by Nasa’s Mars Curiosity Rover, Tuesday, and even the most skeptical scientists are hailing it as the biggest scientific discovery in the history of mankind.
Aliens remembered only as the Nephilim in Hebrew texts or the Annunaki on Mesopotamian clay tablets intervened at the birth of human civilization and built stone monoliths that may have once acted as glowing navigational beacons. Because of several millennia of weathering, these beacons no longer emit light, but it appears the beacon photographed by Curiosity is still glowing even today, emitting its hyper-radiant superliminal telemetry to the center of the fallen Annunaki empire.
As a fringe colony of the Annunaki’s galactic empire, Earth was one of the few planets that did not adopt the Annunaki’s administrative and organizational patterns when the ruling Annunaki elites abandoned the colony. Because of this, Earth has suffered thousands of years of barbarism, infighting, and economic instability which has left humanity completely open to alien invasion. The Annunaki’s legacy, however, is visible today as a clear strain cutting through myth and art across the globe, pointing to an ancient history when Earth was a remote outpost of the civilized galaxy.
Israel is attacking American universities with data shared to them by the National Security Agency, and “busy” professors are responsible for the degradation of Occupy Wall Street, author and journalist Chris Hedges said.
Hedges said while he and Dr. Cornel West were having dinner, the two of them lambasted lazy journalism professors and other intellectuals of being “too busy” to support free speech. During a speech to Northeastern University in Boston, Massachusetts, Hedges revealed a sinister Jewish plot to undermine American efforts at free dialog.
[Teachers] develop a secret respect for television media; a self-reinforced trust of the government.”
Documents leaked by former NSA contractor Edward Snowden – who previously worked for Booz-Allen Hamilton – revealed the zealous scrutiny of private American citizens’ information provided to Israel by the NSA. Experts have pointed out Israeli intelligence agencies are beginning to target intellectuals who question the two nations’ militant right-wing confederacy.
Internet Chronicle anthropologist and Chief Executive of Economic Research Adviser Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour said American university professors recuse themselves from forming a strong opinion because of a combination of factors.
“The omniscient gaze of the NSA and Israel are one reason you don’t want to be caught planning a demonstration against your government,” Troubadour said. “Fear of losing their jobs. Should they become impartial and dare to question Obama’s commitment to transparency, why, a teacher could disappear for that. So they develop a secret respect for television media; a self-reinforced trust of the government.”
Mike and Frank firmly grip female busts “picked” from a “honey hole”
INTERNET — Mike and Frank of American Pickers, the world’s most popular on-screen gay couple since Laurel and Hardy, have been granted a legal marriage and plan to artificially inseminate Danielle, who will give birth to their new family. Until then, the couple are bound by their love for antiques and are fostering several children from the local orphanage.
Frank told reporters, “We are so glad to be married and we just love the kids. Now that we’re loud and proud about our love, me and Mike couldn’t be happier. We’re going to take the kids out on more picks and show them the ropes. It’s great. Just great.”
Mike, enthused as always, said, “The kids are killer. I’ve got them using their cute little charm to break the ice and talk down prices on all kinds of antiques. Especially bikes and motorcycles. You won’t believe the stuff they found.”
Si Robertson, patriarch of the Duck Dynasty reality franchise and outspoken opponent of homosexuals, told reporters, “It just ain’t right these city boys on TV rippin’ nice country folk off with their slick little talk. In my mind a faggot ain’t a gay man, a faggot is a slick city boy. I just can’t abide faggots on my TV.”
John Cena dead at 37 from bullying
INTERNET — John Cena, twelve time heavyweight champion and professional wrestler for the WWE was found dead Wednesday morning. Investigators said Cena drank a gallon of bleach after cyberbullies targeted him with “life ruining” tactics and death hoaxes.
Detective Greg Samberg, who is investigating Cena’s case, issued a threat to the bullies at an impromptu press conference, saying, “We know who did this. We know where you live. We’re coming for you. You aren’t the real Anonymous.”
Cena was reportedly inundated with muscle-shaming messages belittling his physique and exploiting his most profound psychological weakness until he could no longer continue living. Fans of “trolling” often use such life ruining tactics on vulnerable young women, but it seems they have found easier targets in muscle-bound alpha males. One troll, known only as AnonymouSabu, said in a post on John Cena’s facebook, “It’s easier and more satisfying to destroy these big men who think they’re hot shit than weak teenage girls. OMG I’m never going back.”