Anonymous News Network to serve up the unerring truth — a blatant threat towards the Internet Chronicle’s market-share.

INTERNET — This week, news broke that the YourAnonNews twitter account, with over a million followers, successfully raised $54,000 through merchandising and donations which will go towards founding the Activist News Network. This idea immediately brought painful ties with the abject Nazi-run Presstorm to the memory of critics. Presstorm was an Anonymous-related news site which disintegrated when management ran anti-Occupy scare propaganda at a time when the protest movement was just getting off the ground.

Members of YourAnonNews, with the possible exception of Presstorm collaborators, do not appear to actually write news stories, conduct interviews, or place hard-hitting reporters like Tyler Bass of The Internet Chronicle on the scene at pivotal moments in WikiLeaks history. Rather, YourAnonNews is a marketing-related news-aggregation group which, at its most creative, serves up naive platitudes to as many ravenous teenage radicals as possible and connects hordes of jabbering idiots with the glorious and infallible Internet Chronicle.

A nascent anti-YourAnonNews group, AnonsAgainstYAN, has completely reified and magnified the problems of YourAnonNews by stripping the formula of all news unrelated to YourAnonNews and bringing the anti-platitude platitudes to a new low. This group immediately became wildly popular and led  several high-profile members of YourAnonNews to question their affiliation before completely forsaking their Anonymous identification. Because Anonymous swarms form in the same way as locusts — infighting and cannibalism leads to a biological change which turns docile grasshoppers into a frenzy of ravenous locusts — resident Anonymous experts at the Internet Chronicle expect a monumental shitstorm to hit within the week.

AMERICA — Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, author of the bestselling do-it-yourself skin cancer removal book Slash and Save, excited fans with the publishing of his newest work, You’re Diseased! In this book, Dr. Troubadoor outlines the deep connection between pleasure and pathology, and he has graciously shared an excerpt from his introduction with the Internet Chronicle.

For many decades, man has known smoking and drinking, although pleasurable, are in fact cause for deep alarm. Just one drink, and you’ve caught the serious sickness known as alcoholism. Like alcohol, soft drinks also bring great pleasure, but did you know if you drink just one, you will also become diseased like an alcoholic? Do you have a loving relationship with a pet? You’re pathologically dependent! Do you and your friends form tight, interdependent bonds? You’re all sick! Do you masturbate or have sex? Nothing could be killing you more quickly! Think that a nice hike in the woods is a simple guiltless pleasure? Your joints don’t. Ever bathed in the warm sun and relished your tan skin afterwards? You’ve been damaged! Do you enjoy eating food? People who eat 30% less live 30% longer, and from this rule I have worked out that every bit of pleasure you experience will take an equal toll on your health. This is what I call the “Pleasure Pathology Principle,” and by eliminating pleasure from our lives not only can we escape every disastrous sickness, but we can learn to live practically forever!

Let’s be honest with ourselves for once. Death is around every corner. While it’s not possible for most people to quit drinking or smoking, one corollary of the “Pleasure Pathology Principle” is what I’ve dubbed “Guilt Stabilization Therapy.” Once a person realizes everything enjoyable is bad and indeed destructive to overall health, he or she is able to reduce the amount of pleasure by experiencing sweet, life-giving guilt. It’s as simple as balancing out all the “good” feelings with “bad” ones which are the only truly good feelings!

Few of us have the strength of will to eliminate all pleasure from our lives, and in fact many who believe they are successful at this task are indeed taking pleasure in eliminating pleasure and will soon die a terrible death. Some may even come to enjoy the normally benign “Guilt Stabilization Therapy,” thus rendering it useless in the quest for endless perfect health. Making your way through life without falling for seductions which will kill you and everyone you know is fraught with far more perils than these, and living in constant fear of your mortality while avoiding all pleasure is the healthiest thing you can do. However, most people don’t know what to be vigilant for and aren’t even aware of the expansive scale of deadly health-reducing pleasures. That’s why I’ve written this book, for the lay person, and I hope you are able to at least remove some Pathological Pleasure from your newly-extended life.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador

Ivan Stang will be remembered for his convincing impression of a religious fanatic.

Cleveland Heights, OH — Fans mourn the loss of Doug Smith, also known as Reverend Ivan Stang, who died Friday from a brain-eating amoeba believed to have infected him during the filming of what he called “Animalcule Porn.” Famous for popularizing “J.R. ‘Bob’ Dobbs,” a character stolen from the satirical novel J R, by William Gaddis, Reverend Stang also co-founded the Church of the SubGenius, which is based entirely on the teachings of ‘Bob’.

Last year, Reverend Stang claimed to have resigned from his post as “Living Prophet” at the Church of the SubGenius. Although this claim was quite obviously false, and in fact written by a collaborator known as “Dr. Legume,” the gullible science fiction writer and scare-mongering Cory Doctorow nonetheless took to the SubGenius-controlled media outlet BoingBoing and lamented the retirement of Reverend Stang. This hoax was intended as an affront to an executive at the glorious and infallible Internet Chronicle, who had recently embarrassed and shamed Reverend Stang and his gaggle of blabber-mouth sycophants with a magnificent hoax of his own. It is worth noting, however, that the message of renunciation embedded within both hoaxes seems to have had a synergistic effect which contributed to their action as primary determinates in the unprecedented resignation of Pope Benedict XVI, who secretly forswore Catholicism in favor of a conservative interpretation of the Annals of Inglip.

As expected, Reverend Stang’s death has been covered up by his dissembling flock of pseudo-heresiarchs, a fact which is corroborated by secret fiscal information leaked by sources in Anonymous. These documents show the entirety of the church’s meager funds are now spent on a body double who poorly impersonates the late Reverend Stang. “None of them pinks can tell the difference,” said Dr. Legume, candidly, “And if they can, we don’t want ‘em anyway.”

INTERNET — The “Idea Channel,” a horrifying YouTube production from PBS which aims to educate and entertain within five lighting-fast minutes, has translated television pedagogy to the internet. Surprise! It’s incredibly bad. The painfully hip mustachio’d host Mike Rugnetta rattles off jargon and drops names in front of a backdrop of trendy old vinyl covers as images of his references flash by so quickly one show in 2012 reportedly triggered a wave of epileptic seizures. This “educational” program, tailored to victims of new media whose attention spans have evaporated, generally glosses over deep topics with a few bad jokes and glib statements. The fact that it seems jammed full of good information makes this insipid programming even more dangerous.

In the episode above, Rugnetta asks the question, “Are Cell Phones Replacing Reality?” Among such intellectual gems as, “Ubiquitous computing is awesome and important,” Rugnetta crosses into dangerous territory by calling French Post-Structuralist Jean Baudrillard a “Grumpy Gus.” After a pitiful thirty-second explanation of Baudrillard’s theory, Rugnetta presses the idea that cell phones might replace reality is “alarmist.” To really fill out his unintentionally ironic performance of precisely what Baudrillard has warned against, Rugnetta coldly delivers the verdict, “Being bored stinks, and also we’re more connected and more knowledgeable.” Thank goodness PBS is paying for the “Idea Channel” and funneling all this great knowledge straight to our cell phone. It would really suck to slog through years of sucky, boring media theory.

Project “PM,” a well-funded government psy-op

INTERNET — Barrett Brown, who conspired with Hector Monsegur AKA Sabu in snitching out millions of righteous Anonymous virtual sit-in activists, revealed from prison to the despicable tabloid, Vice magazine, that his imprisonment was all an intentional publicity stunt meant to bring attention to fake government-sponsored facebook and Twitter profiles currently spreading virulent propaganda across the world. Why was Brown arrested, and why did he seemingly turn on his shadowy government keepers?

Brown’s Project PM, an open-source digital snitch tank, where the PM literally stands for “Persona Management,” acted like flypaper for subversive elements so Feds could easily monitor their every behavior. Some even go so far as to believe Brown was hired by HB Gary as part of an operation to bring lots of scary press down on shady cabals of super-elite hackers who really don’t exist. His bombastic, orthodox, and arrogant style did much to project a clear image to folks at home that he represented the “hacking collective” Anonymous, and that they should be very afraid of the impending global revolution  cyberwarriors would spearhead within the next five years. Of course, these were the statements of a provocateur, dripping with fish-hooks baiting like-minded people into a totally government-controlled honeypot, the so-called nerve center of Anonymous, Anon Ops.

As it turns out, Jenna Deville, member of a private contractor competing with Brown’s Project PM and ex-Mossad Krav Maga instructor, seduced and then drugged Brown with a powerful weaponized hallucinogen, thrusting him into a delusional state that caused him to temporarily flip his allegiance from the FBI to Anonymous, and in this drugged state, Brown threatened the children of a character from the Matrix movie series. Deville is said to have conspired with Adrian Lamo, and is rumored to also be affiliated with his group, Project Vigilant.

John Thiessen, acting head of Project PM, has warned against so-called apologists for Deville. “She’s a rat, and I’ve always known it. Barrett Brown was a child prodigy, a very intelligent and close friend of mine. These government sock puppets out there are doing it people. They’re lying to you. They get these beautiful women as their profile and then they hook you in, brainwash you.”