Jesus not only hated taxation, he hated capitalism.
ROME— Late last night along a steep ridge on Bald Mountain, the Jewish rabble-rouser Jesus of Nazareth was crucified for crimes against Caesar. The self-proclaimed “King of the Jews” lay hanging on a cross through the night like a slaughtered lamb, blood spilling from his stigmatas, while hordes of provincial peoples poured into the Roman-occupied city of Yerushalayim to celebrate Passover, a local religious festival.
The Galilean-born ‘Messiah’ was rumored to have arrived in the city earlier this week on either a stolen colt or donkey – accounts vary – spreading messages of wealth redistribution, market regulation, and universal healthcare.
After an incident at a local temple involving table-turning and preying on widows, authorities were tipped off to to the healer-prophet-vagabond’s whereabouts by Judas Iscariot, a former follower turned whistleblower.
In a statement issued to the press, Mr. Iscariot spoke of his growing dissatisfaction with his former leader, “Jesus talks about this egalitarian society, right? Yet the fucker has his own hierarchical structure within his own following! Pete, Jimmy, Matthew—these fellows get all the attention, the adoration, while me and Barty are left at the wayside like a couple of stale Matzo balls.”
The deceased first stood trial before a local council of chief priests who were unable to produce testimony germane to the death penalty they were seeking.
After trumping up charges of tax evasion, the priests appealed to Rome’s own representative, Pontius Pilate, the 5th prefect of Judea. The Nazarene appeared before Pilate bearing all the signs of a heathen having been tortured. After a lengthy conversation revolving around “truth”, Pilate reported to the priests that he “found no fault in Him at all.” However, the holy men implored Pilate that he not be released, saying that Jesus was a stain upon Caesar’s neoliberal paradise.
Incidentally, this was all happening during Passover and Jewish tradition states a prisoner to be released during the holy week. But due to popular demand, and against his own judgment, Pilate released Barbarras, a well-known robber, instead of Jesus. This decision is said to have had quite an ill effect on the Roman prefect in the hours since.
After a good flogging on his way out of the city and up the mountain, Jesus was finally nailed to the cross. His mother Mary was in attendance, along with a few followers. Jesus’ last words were reported to be, “Ma! I’m thirsty, gimme some of that sour wine!”
He was 33.
Ian Watkins planned on raping a handful of babies.
Worcestershire, England – Fans mourn the loss of former Lostprophets singer Ian David Karslake Watkins, who committed suicide early Wednesday morning in his cell at HM Prison Long Lartin.
Watkins was pronounced dead at 4:38 a.m. UTC. Cause of death was listed as “self asphyxiation, or suicide by hanging.” He was 36.
Watkins is survived by step-father and Baptist minister John Davies, his mother Elaine, and Daniel, his 24-year-old brother who distanced himself from Ian in the final months of the singer’s life. He is also survived by former Lostprophets musicians Lee Gaze, Mike Lewis, Stuart Richardson, Jamie Olider and Luke Johnson.
Inside reports suggest Watkins was facing pressure in the form of death threats from other inmates. Watkins was overheard remarking that he feared for his life.
Because no will was entered into the public record, Watkins’ continuing charitable contributions to the Kidney Wales Foundation for Children will cease.
The Watkins estate is to be turned over instead to the UK for disbursement into public works projects, as is customary in Wales when a convicted pedophile with enormous assets dies without a notorized will.
Watkins suffered in the wake of numerous convictions on sexual assault charges against children, for which he was sentenced to prison for 29 years last December. Authorities got involved when the Lostprophets frontman made plans to rape adoring fans and their babies. Prosecutors uncovered “the most shocking and harrowing child abuse the nation has ever seen.”
Senior investigating officers on Watkins’ case described him as a “committed, organised paedophile.” The judge, Mr. Justice Royce, said Watkins “plunged into new depths of depravity” referring to Watkins’ text messages to his victims: “If you belong to me, so does your baby.”
After entering his guilty plea, Watkins referred to his sex offenses as being “mega lolz.”
Joe Rogan died from a DMT overdose on Sunday morning.
INTERNET — Joe Rogan, host of the Joe Rogan Experience podcast, accomplished mixed martial artist and comedian, died tragically from a DMT overdose on Sunday.
Rogan was an outspoken advocate for the use of psychedelic drugs as entheogens, or substances which are used specifically to trigger mystic or transcendent experiences. However, Wikipedia and the news media incorrectly framed Rogan as promoting “recreational” use of drugs, leading some to draw a connection between this misrepresentation and the overdose which followed.
Rogan described himself as an “open-minded skeptic,” and investigated a wide variety of fringe or “conspiracy” subjects. Critic and conspiracy expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador once pointed out, “Rogan’s investigative purpose, to weigh in on whether a conspiracy theory is ‘real’ or ‘crazy’ relies on the outdated assumption that a human can access a universal truth. Joe has denied holding this belief when speaking of his experiences on DMT, but he doesn’t seem to inhabit it fully. Rogan is a chemtrail denier, for instance, but also admits that ‘real’ chemtrails are the everyday pollution from burnt jet fuel. He refuses to give any merit to the idea that chemtrails are part of a slow genocide or weather control scheme perpetrated by a secret cabal. Through this myth, and I don’t mean ‘myth’ in the sense of a lie but rather a useful story, chemtrail conspiracists are able to endlessly cultivate an appropriate level of alarm on the topics of pollution and climate change. Just like Joe, one of the most important realizations I’ve had from DMT trips is that symbols should not be interpreted as signs referencing ‘reality’ or God and that ultimately there is no access to ‘reality’ to begin with — there are only symbols which act as an interface between God and the self for the mystic, or God and the community as in organized religion. It’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong — that kind of language is totally outdated and tells us very little about what it purportedly describes.”
Grieving family members have disbursed Rogan’s estate to fighter Anderson Silva in hopes that Silva’s shin might be repaired so he can return to the octagon. Silva’s gruesome injury has caused mixed martial artists to question the safety of the Muay Thai shin kick just as the “push kick” or “elliptical kick” cribbed from Wing Chun has gained an increased popularity among fighters. Rather than causing career ending injuries to the practitioner, the push kick has hyper-extended the knees of several mixed martial artists unfortunate enough to wind up on the receiving end of the devastating technique.
Miley Is Predicted To Devastate Humanity In The Coming Weeks
Miley Cyrus is rumored by the religious elite to be small enough to disintegrate in the atmosphere but experts predict Miley could vaporize so rapidly, she will explode, said MIT physicist Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, creating an electromagnetic pulse so magnificent it will remain in the sky for days, and disable communication systems throughout the southern hemisphere.
“The fumes from the event will block out all sunlight,” Dr. Troubadour said, “and poison those who inhale Miley’s microscopic remains.”
As Voyager left the edge of the Solar System August of last year, the data reported back huge flashes of probability fractals estimated by Benford’s Law to represent the dissolution of Earthly homeostasis.
It’s expected to be a major PR pseudoevent,” said Miley publicist Jake Downer. “Wait till we get those hot photographs of the bits and pieces. We’ll see every last inside – we will see every atom of her body individually. Rumor has it, pictures already hit the torrent sites.”
Teen fan Arianna Simpson waited nearly 14 hours outside the Roanoke Civic Center Friday to see Miley in concert. Arianna said she and her father watched Miley grow up.
“She does a lot more provocative things now, but she still speaks to me, in my heart,” said Arianna.
This article is part 1 in a 1 part series called Miley Analytics
If Miley’s toxic disintegration into the atmosphere does not kill her, then her nudity-enhanced spinout into oblivion could create a miniature black hole rivaling the size and sustainability of those found in the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva.
“Really though, we just wanted to take out the kids, and let them have a good time,” said Arianna’s father Lester Simpson. “They love Hanna Montana, and God knows I sure do.”
Miley is 420 Friendly, .su
BOULDER, CO — Chet Goodman, 19, was killed last night when his lungs exploded from the use of what is called a “gravity bong,” to forcibly inhale marijuana smoke. Goodman had just returned to Boulder from his hometown of Los Angeles for fall semester at Colorado University, when his roommates suggested to ceremoniously get high together in their posh, but modest college mansion below the mountains.
Charles Webster, one of Goodman’s roommate, stated “We were about to get on’n smoke a little out of our regular bong, since we just got all back together from summer break and then Chad[Conrad] suggested we use a gravity bong instead.”
A gravity bong is a homemade device made from the severed top of a milk jug or in this case, a Hinckley Springs water cooler jug. A makeshift screen is created at the top where the marijuana is placed. The device is then lowered into a sink full of water, leaving the top exposed, as to not wet the marijuana. Fire is then applied to the pot as the contraption is then slowly lifted upward filling it with smoke and leaving the bottom partially submerged to keep the smoke contained. Users then remove the screen, placing their mouths on the lid and pushing the bong back into the water, effectively forcing the smoke into their lungs for a more “stony” high.
When reached for comment, the Internet Chronicle‘s Chief Scientist and DEA liaison, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said hazily, “Anyone stupid enough to fucking force shit into their lungs like that deserves to fucking die, man.”
The third roommate, Chad Conrad, who suggested they use a gravity bong is being held in Boulder County jail and has been officially charged with manslaughter and possession of marijuana without a medical card.
Emotional moments before Senator Davis’ untimely demise.
WASHINGTON, DC — Fans mourn the loss of Texas senator Wendy Davis as the news reels trickled in this morning. After amassing support from not only Texas democrats throughout her years as a politician, she managed to garner a hefty klout score last night as her awe inspiring anti-abortion bill filibuster ran for 11 hours straight.
While the Texas senator was in good shape, dawning pink Nike crossfit training shoes to keep her buoyant on her final dance floor, she could not outrun the angry mob of rubes awaiting her outside the senate floor who tweeted furiously #StandWithWendy, collapsing Davis under the weight of her own eFame.
“She was a total fighter,” said Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood Action Fund and champion kick-boxer. “She’ll be missed around the gym, that much is certain.”
Amanda Bynes commit suicide Wednesday.
NEW YORK — Fans mourn the loss of Nickelodeon starlet Amanda Laura Bynes, who died early Wednesday morning at her home in New York. Bynes was widely recognized as the inventor of the Internet abbreviation “lol” – or laugh out loud.
Bynes was pronounced dead at 3:27 a.m. EST. Cause of death was listed as suicide. She was 27.
Bynes left what appears to be a suicide note in response to ridicule on her Twitter
@ComplexMag Stop acting like I’m doing something wrong. I’m obsessed with myself on twitter. Also, my video last night was perfection. I’m so sick of the articles u write about me. I want every fake article deleted. Ur dick whipped by my ugly ex @ducidni who’s looks and talent have always been questionable to me, him being the ugly duckling that he is and all. U quote him non stop, then take professional shots of him for ur covers, his best photos aren’t shit compared to mine at my best. The photo u chose of Aubrey for her cover is awful. You make people look bad, stop acting like you know anything about what men like. I don’t stop getting follwed or hit on every place I go. I’m not trying to sing, but if I did (I got offered an Interscope record deal right after I filmed Hairspray which you might know if you sat down and did a normal interview. I still might take them up on their offer) get the facts as opposed to talking shit. My music is going to be sicker then whatever the fuck kind of music Scott tries to do. Stop writing articles without speaking to me first.
Bynes publicly defended herself against allegations she was kicked out of gymnastics, and claimed to have an eating disorder.
Bynes spent her final weeks estranged from her family, stating via Twitter, “I don’t speak to my parents anymore.”
Because no will was entered into the public record, Bynes’ legal fund is being returned to Viacom. The money was originally distributed to attorneys representing Bynes to protect her name from libel.
2 Chainz overdosed on crack.
ATLANTA — Rapper Tauheed Eppz, known to fans as “2 Chainz,” and “Tity Boi,” died Sunday from heart complications related to crack smoking. In his recent single, “Crack,” 2 Chainz said, “Everywhere I go I got crack, I got that crinack.”
2 Chainz came under fire from hip hop enthusiasts who did not believe the rapper, in fact, smoked crack. Hardcore fans of the hip-hop subgenre “Crackcore” spoke to the Internet Chronicle and are even less sure of 2 Chainz authenticity after his death from smoking too much crack. “Us real crackheads, we been at this shit for decades. We know how to handle our crack, and we ain’t out tryin’ to prove nothin’ cause everyone knows we real. 2 Chainz ain’t a crack smoker. That motherfucker is a poser bitch.”
RIP Bashar Al Assad, dead from an assassin’s bullet on March 24, 2013
DAMASCUS — Brutal Syrian Dictator and Opthamologist Bashar Al-Assad was assassinated by a disgruntled bodyguard Sunday Morning, as western propaganda alleged his involvement in recent chemical attacks rightfully attributed to so-called revolutionary forces which act as proxies for Christendom. Assad was rushed to hospital in critical condition, but did not survive the gunshot wounds.
Fans of Assad mourn his loss and hope the state of emergency instituted in 1963 will continue in perpetuity. Assad has followed through with promises to appease Arab Spring protesters by further violent suppression of political speech and increasing crackdowns on rebels influenced by western powers.
Kim Jong-Un poured a forty-ounce over the grave of his grandfather saying, “I ain’t gonna forget my nigga Assad, he been sendin’ me dat rocketry ‘n shit, and he always hooked a brother up with Hennessy.”
The assassin was reportedly arrested while screaming, in English, “We are Anonymous! Expect Us!”
DALLAS — Teary-eyed and sobbing like a little girl, Glenn Beck announced that he would personally put his dog down on Sunday. “He is teaching me a very important lesson in dignity,” Beck said, as he shared his shameful emotions with the entire world. “He’s a Mason dog,” added Beck. “Victor’s lessons are ingrained in us forever. Protection, devotion, dignity.” Beck’s technicians were heard giggling in the background.
Beck has spoken of Victor’s blindness in past shows, but reportedly shared many knowing looks with the dog before putting it to death. “Before I owned a gun, I was getting death threats,” Beck said, underlining his continued capability to protect himself from the post-911 anti-American menace.
Glenn Beck learned how to work people’s emotions on the cold streets as a homeless alcoholic beggar, and smoked weed every day for 16 years. After nearly killing himself to the music of Nirvana, Beck joined Alcoholics Anonymous, which became the source for many of his best conspiracy theories.