Miley Is Predicted To Devastate Humanity In The Coming Weeks
Miley Cyrus is rumored by the religious elite to be small enough to disintegrate in the atmosphere but experts predict Miley could vaporize so rapidly, she will explode, said MIT physicist Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, creating an electromagnetic pulse so magnificent it will remain in the sky for days, and disable communication systems throughout the southern hemisphere.
“The fumes from the event will block out all sunlight,” Dr. Troubadour said, “and poison those who inhale Miley’s microscopic remains.”
As Voyager left the edge of the Solar System August of last year, the data reported back huge flashes of probability fractals estimated by Benford’s Law to represent the dissolution of Earthly homeostasis.
It’s expected to be a major PR pseudoevent,” said Miley publicist Jake Downer. ”Wait till we get those hot photographs of the bits and pieces. We’ll see every last inside – we will see every atom of her body individually. Rumor has it, pictures already hit the torrent sites.”
Teen fan Arianna Simpson waited nearly 14 hours outside the Roanoke Civic Center Friday to see Miley in concert. Arianna said she and her father watched Miley grow up.
“She does a lot more provocative things now, but she still speaks to me, in my heart,” said Arianna.
This article is part 1 in a 1 part series called Miley Analytics
If Miley’s toxic disintegration into the atmosphere does not kill her, then her nudity-enhanced spinout into oblivion could create a miniature black hole rivaling the size and sustainability of those found in the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva.
“Really though, we just wanted to take out the kids, and let them have a good time,” said Arianna’s father Lester Simpson. “They love Hanna Montana, and God knows I sure do.”
Miley is 420 Friendly, .su
BOULDER, CO — Chet Goodman, 19, was killed last night when his lungs exploded from the use of what is called a “gravity bong,” to forcibly inhale marijuana smoke. Goodman had just returned to Boulder from his hometown of Los Angeles for fall semester at Colorado University, when his roommates suggested to ceremoniously get high together in their posh, but modest college mansion below the mountains.
Charles Webster, one of Goodman’s roommate, stated “We were about to get on’n smoke a little out of our regular bong, since we just got all back together from summer break and then Chad[Conrad] suggested we use a gravity bong instead.”
A gravity bong is a homemade device made from the severed top of a milk jug or in this case, a Hinckley Springs water cooler jug. A makeshift screen is created at the top where the marijuana is placed. The device is then lowered into a sink full of water, leaving the top exposed, as to not wet the marijuana. Fire is then applied to the pot as the contraption is then slowly lifted upward filling it with smoke and leaving the bottom partially submerged to keep the smoke contained. Users then remove the screen, placing their mouths on the lid and pushing the bong back into the water, effectively forcing the smoke into their lungs for a more “stony” high.
When reached for comment, the Internet Chronicle‘s Chief Scientist and DEA liaison, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said hazily, “Anyone stupid enough to fucking force shit into their lungs like that deserves to fucking die, man.”
The third roommate, Chad Conrad, who suggested they use a gravity bong is being held in Boulder County jail and has been officially charged with manslaughter and possession of marijuana without a medical card.
Peaked headstones that mark the graves of Confederate soldiers surround the Confederate Monument in Jackson Circle. At the top of the monument is the solemn figure of a white woman representing as well the nonwhite South extends [sic/ aw, fuck it, y'all. Who needs to know how to string a sentence together? Military pay better than high school. Derrrr] a laurel wreath toward her fallen sons. [Photo and caption: U.S. military]
The history of Arlington National Cemetery is steeped in the Civil War, for it was this great national struggle against racist traitors that necessitated the establishment of this cemetery to bury its many dead – even though many of the dead had zero inclination to consider themselves a part of this nation. We just decided to call them a part of this nation.
For many years following the war, the bitter feelings between North and South remained, which continues to this day in the forms of the Democratic and Republican Parties, now flipped; and although hundreds of Confederate soldiers were buried at Arlington, it was considered a Union cemetery. Family members of Confederate soldiers were denied permission to decorate their loved ones’ graves and in extreme cases were even denied entrance to the cemetery, due to justified fear the mourners would rally for insurrection, or worse, retributive genocide of all black people.
These ill feelings were slow to die but over time they did begin to fade. Many historians believe it was the national call to arms against Mexicans during the Spanish-American War that brought white northerners and southerners together at last. In that war numerous Confederate veterans volunteered their services and joined their Northern brothers on the battlefield in the common defense of a buffer zone for a white-ruled nation. In June 1900, going through the motions of national reconciliation, the U.S. Congress authorized that a section of Arlington National Cemetery be set aside for the burial of treasonous Confederate dead.
By the end of 1901 all the Confederate soldiers buried in the national cemeteries at Alexandria, Virginia, and at the Soldiers’ Home in Washington were brought together with the soldiers buried at Arlington and reinterred in the Confederate section. Among the 482 persons buried there are 46 officers, 351 enlisted men, 58 wives, 15 southern civilians, and 12 unknowns. They are buried in concentric circles around the Confederate Monument, and their graves are marked with headstones that are distinct for their pointed tops – so designed for their resemblance to the cowardly headgear of the postbellum Ku Klux Klan terrorist organization.
However, disinformation, peddled as “legend,” attributes these pointed-top tombstones to a Confederate belief that the points would “keep Yankees from sitting on them.” Attributing that line to Confederates would appear inaccurate, given that the Confederacy was dissolved of course by the time the tombstones were laid.
To further honor these the South’s caste-system devotees and traitors, the United Daughters of the Confederacy petitioned to erect a major monument to the Confederate dead. On March 4, 1906 Secretary of War William Howard Taft, in a hypoglycemic stupor, granted their request. The cornerstone was laid on Nov. 12, 1912 at a ceremony featuring speakers William Jennings Bryan and James A. Tanner, a former Union corporal and Stockholm syndrome sufferer who lost both legs at the second Battle of Bull Run. He was commander in chief of the Union veterans group, The Grand Army of the Republic. That same evening, President William Howard Taft addressed the United Daughters of the Confederacy at a reception in the Daughters of the American Revolution’s Centennial Hall, enshrining a noble legacy for perpetrators of human trafficking and genocide.
Chosen to design the memorial was the world-renowned sculptor, Moses Ezekiel. Ezekiel brought more than just his artistic talents to this project for he was also a Confederate traitor who voluntarily participated firsthand in the horrors of the Civil War. He is now buried at the base of the famous, patently offensive monument which he created.
The Confederate Monument was unveiled before a large crowd of northerners and southerners on June 4, 1914, the 106th anniversary of the birthday of the president of the Confederacy, abolitionist murderer and slavery racketer, Jefferson Davis. President Woodrow Wilson, star of white nationalist propaganda film “Birth of a Nation,” delivered an address and veterans of both the Union and Confederacy placed wreaths on the graves of their former foes, symbolizing the pretense of reconciliation between the white North and the white South, the memorial’s central theme.
Ezekiel created a monument rich in amoral, Eurocentric symbols. Standing atop the 32-foot monument is a larger-than-life figure of a white woman representing the South. Her head is crowned with olive leaves – the false flag of peace – her left hand extends a laurel wreath toward the South, acknowledging the sacrifice, for slavery, of her fallen sons due to “the increasing hostility on the part of the non-slaveholding States to the institution of slavery.” Her right hand holds a pruning hook resting on a plow stock, which she insisted black slave job creators alone actually use. These symbols bring to life the biblical passage inscribed at her feet – ”And they shall beat their swords into plow shares and their spears into pruning hooks” – and Jefferson Davis’ foolish biblical espousal that kidnapping black Africans amounted to “the importation of the race of Ham.”
The plinth on which she stands is embossed with four cinerary urns symbolizing the four years of the South-initiated Civil War. Supporting the plinth is a frieze of 14 inclined shields, each depicts the coat of arms of one of the 13 Confederate states and Maryland, which did not join the Confederacy but supported the South, as well as slavery, in the war.
Below the plinth is another frieze of life-sized figures depicting mythical white gods and white Southern soldiers. At the front of the monument, the panoplied figure of Minerva, Goddess of War and Wisdom, attempts to hold up the figure of a fallen white woman (“The South”) who is resting upon her shield, “The Constitution,” which dictated, in an affront to democracy itself, that slaves constituted three-fifths of a person. Behind “The South,” the Spirits of War are trumpeting in every direction calling the white sons and white daughters of the South to aid their falling white mother. On either side of the fallen woman are figures depicting those sons and daughters who came to her aid and who represent each branch of the Confederate service: Soldiers, Sailor, Sapper and Miner.
One of six vignettes on the Confederate Memorial.
Completing the frieze are six vignettes illustrating the effect of the war on Southerners of all races. The vignettes include a black slave following his young master, against his every better interest; an officer kissing his infant child in the arms of her “mammy,” a title to which she is seriously referred by contemporary U.S. webmasters; a blacksmith leaving his bellows and workshop to construct instruments of death, as his sorrowful wife looks on; a young lady binding the sword and sash on her beau; and a young officer standing alone.
The base of the memorial features several inscriptions. On its front face are the seal of the Confederacy, which features a do-nothing white gentleman expecting others to work mindlessly for him, and a tribute by the United Daughters of the Confederacy, followed by the Latin phrase: “Victrix Causa Diis Placuit Sed Victa Caton.” This phrase means: “The Victorious Cause was Pleasing to the Gods, But the Lost Cause to Cato.” The inscription also means that today’s black taxpayer must pay to maintain the government’s claim that deities actually approved of slavery. On the rear of the monument is an inscription attributed to the Reverend Randolph Harrison McKim, who was a Confederate chaplain and who served as pastor of the Epiphany Church in Washington for 32 years. It reads:
Not for fame or reward [which is total nonsense, considering that Confederate traitors were fighting to uphold a caste system that they thought would prevent them from having to work as hard]
Not for place or for rank [other than, again, a desire to not be seen in a place as lowly as nonwhites]
Not lured by ambition
Or goaded by necessity [other than a fear of hard work]
But in simple
Obedience to duty
As they understood it [or claimed to, opportunistically]
These men suffered all [but not as dearly or as honorably as the abolitionists and former slaves whose lives they rendered into nothingness]
Dared all-and died
Emotional moments before Senator Davis’ untimely demise.
WASHINGTON, DC — Fans mourn the loss of Texas senator Wendy Davis as the news reels trickled in this morning. After amassing support from not only Texas democrats throughout her years as a politician, she managed to garner a hefty klout score last night as her awe inspiring anti-abortion bill filibuster ran for 11 hours straight.
While the Texas senator was in good shape, dawning pink Nike crossfit training shoes to keep her buoyant on her final dance floor, she could not outrun the angry mob of rubes awaiting her outside the senate floor who tweeted furiously #StandWithWendy, collapsing Davis under the weight of her own eFame.
“She was a total fighter,” said Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood Action Fund and champion kick-boxer. “She’ll be missed around the gym, that much is certain.”
Amanda Bynes commit suicide Wednesday.
NEW YORK — Fans mourn the loss of Nickelodeon starlet Amanda Laura Bynes, who died early Wednesday morning at her home in New York. Bynes was widely recognized as the inventor of the Internet abbreviation “lol” – or laugh out loud.
Bynes was pronounced dead at 3:27 a.m. EST. Cause of death was listed as suicide. She was 27.
Bynes left what appears to be a suicide note in response to ridicule on her Twitter
@ComplexMag Stop acting like I’m doing something wrong. I’m obsessed with myself on twitter. Also, my video last night was perfection. I’m so sick of the articles u write about me. I want every fake article deleted. Ur dick whipped by my ugly ex @ducidni who’s looks and talent have always been questionable to me, him being the ugly duckling that he is and all. U quote him non stop, then take professional shots of him for ur covers, his best photos aren’t shit compared to mine at my best. The photo u chose of Aubrey for her cover is awful. You make people look bad, stop acting like you know anything about what men like. I don’t stop getting follwed or hit on every place I go. I’m not trying to sing, but if I did (I got offered an Interscope record deal right after I filmed Hairspray which you might know if you sat down and did a normal interview. I still might take them up on their offer) get the facts as opposed to talking shit. My music is going to be sicker then whatever the fuck kind of music Scott tries to do. Stop writing articles without speaking to me first.
Bynes publicly defended herself against allegations she was kicked out of gymnastics, and claimed to have an eating disorder.
Bynes spent her final weeks estranged from her family, stating via Twitter, “I don’t speak to my parents anymore.”
Because no will was entered into the public record, Bynes’ legal fund is being returned to Viacom. The money was originally distributed to attorneys representing Bynes to protect her name from libel.
2 Chainz overdosed on crack.
ATLANTA — Rapper Tauheed Eppz, known to fans as “2 Chainz,” and “Tity Boi,” died Sunday from heart complications related to crack smoking. In his recent single, “Crack,” 2 Chainz said, “Everywhere I go I got crack, I got that crinack.”
2 Chainz came under fire from hip hop enthusiasts who did not believe the rapper, in fact, smoked crack. Hardcore fans of the hip-hop subgenre “Crackcore” spoke to the Internet Chronicle and are even less sure of 2 Chainz authenticity after his death from smoking too much crack. “Us real crackheads, we been at this shit for decades. We know how to handle our crack, and we ain’t out tryin’ to prove nothin’ cause everyone knows we real. 2 Chainz ain’t a crack smoker. That motherfucker is a poser bitch.”
RIP Bashar Al Assad, dead from an assassin’s bullet on March 24, 2013
DAMASCUS — Brutal Syrian Dictator and Opthamologist Bashar Al-Assad was assassinated by a disgruntled bodyguard Sunday Morning, as western propaganda alleged his involvement in recent chemical attacks rightfully attributed to so-called revolutionary forces which act as proxies for Christendom. Assad was rushed to hospital in critical condition, but did not survive the gunshot wounds.
Fans of Assad mourn his loss and hope the state of emergency instituted in 1963 will continue in perpetuity. Assad has followed through with promises to appease Arab Spring protesters by further violent suppression of political speech and increasing crackdowns on rebels influenced by western powers.
Kim Jong-Un poured a forty-ounce over the grave of his grandfather saying, “I ain’t gonna forget my nigga Assad, he been sendin’ me dat rocketry ‘n shit, and he always hooked a brother up with Hennessy.”
The assassin was reportedly arrested while screaming, in English, “We are Anonymous! Expect Us!”
DALLAS — Teary-eyed and sobbing like a little girl, Glenn Beck announced that he would personally put his dog down on Sunday. “He is teaching me a very important lesson in dignity,” Beck said, as he shared his shameful emotions with the entire world. “He’s a Mason dog,” added Beck. “Victor’s lessons are ingrained in us forever. Protection, devotion, dignity.” Beck’s technicians were heard giggling in the background.
Beck has spoken of Victor’s blindness in past shows, but reportedly shared many knowing looks with the dog before putting it to death. “Before I owned a gun, I was getting death threats,” Beck said, underlining his continued capability to protect himself from the post-911 anti-American menace.
Glenn Beck learned how to work people’s emotions on the cold streets as a homeless alcoholic beggar, and smoked weed every day for 16 years. After nearly killing himself to the music of Nirvana, Beck joined Alcoholics Anonymous, which became the source for many of his best conspiracy theories.
The nation mourns the President’s death.
WASHINGTON — Friday, President Obama returned from a visit to Israel in which he made threats to cut Israeli defense subsidies if Shimon Perez did not make concessions to Palestine. Upon returning to Washington, 23 Republican House members with Tea Party affiliation surrounded the President and fatally wounded him using boxcutters and improvised shivs.
Joe Biden was sworn into office as the assassins were placed into federal custody. All public services have shut down in Washington, and many schools have closed around the nation in mourning.
Sources close to the conspirators claim the House members believed Obama was the Anti-Christ and would soon declare himself Dictator in perpetuity.
Adrian Chen, a pioneer of Python programming.
New York, New York–The infosec community lost another brave soul today as Adrian Chen’s Mazda Miata was run off the road by a vindictive troll. The news comes as a shock to family and friends as they find out about the true nature of his death, which started at ComicCon, a men-only Python programming conference, which has been known to cause coniption fits among bronies and femininazi’s alike. Chen was last seen screaming at a man who asked to “fork” his “dongle” and stormed off in a fit of rage.
Friends say Chen’s vapid personality and small stature led people to believe he was actually Jewish blogger Susan Basko, who was actually a troll who pestered Chen into almost committing suicide in 2012 after outing her as the Great Reddit Troll violentacrez.
While most who knew Chen knew his skills were exceptional, as he had a penchant for infuriating the masses with his tepid python code which Gawker used to relentlessly psy-op Anonymous into thinking anyone cares about anything.
Investigators are still looking into the case, little is known, but word on 4chan is it was actually another Mazda Miata that ran his Mazda Miata off the New Jersey Turnpike, forever, into the abyss.