This is a surreal study of temporal space. The houses are rendered on a winter night, their windows glowing with a warm light while smoke billows from chimneys on snowy rooftops. Meanwhile, the outside world appears to be an evening in spring, as flowers bloom and the creek runs full. Also, people in this world are buried in their front yards.
Thomas Kinkade, famed “painter of light,” died on Friday under mysterious circumstances at the age of 54. Early reports from a police autopsy have told a bizarre story: Kinkade died from a polonium 210 poisoning, which is an extremely potent poison lethal in incredibly small doses.
Analysts suggest that only a very well-connected and powerful entity could possibly have access to such a rare poison, prompting a spat of wild speculation. This automatically narrows the field of suspects to governments and supergovernmental organizations such as the Illuminati. But why would the Illuminati have an interest in killing off Thomas Kinkade?
It’s a well-known fact that the vast majority of the Illuminati’s wealth is invested in timeless works of art, and a large proportion of their annual income is derived from copyright claims and the sale of art memorabilia such as posters. By providing such overly popular images, Kinkade actually undercut the Illuminati in the same way Michael Jackson did. Artistic success is a zero-sum game and the Illuminati is always undercut by emerging popular artists.
Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Kobain, Jim Morrison, and Amy Winehouse all died at the age of 27, but Kinkade’s age of death was exactly twice that at 54. Why does the Illuminati work only in intervals of 27? Expert numerologist Angstrom H. Troubadour explained the numeric aspect of this ritual is very important to the Illuminati, and said, “Artistic cleansing is especially significant to their theories about advancing society towards their mystical anti-Christian agenda.”
Selena Gomez was pronounced dead at the scene of a fatal alcohol-related accident.
Los Angeles – Fans mourn the loss of Disney star Selena Gomez, who was pronounced dead in a fatal car crash Friday. According to police on the scene, alcohol is believed to have been a factor in the accident.
Gomez had to be cut loose from the wreckage of her late model Ford Escape Hybrid, which was tangled between a guardrail and telephone pole off Santa Monica Boulevard, authorities said.
“When I see this happening to kids,” explained LAPD’s Deputy Foster, holding back tears, “I wrench up inside. This is a tragedy. They weren’t even old enough to drink or have sex with me.”
Attorneys confirmed profits from Gomez’s new clothing line, “Dream Out Loud by Selena Gomez,” are contractually obligated to absorb into Disney, which has outraged family members seeking comfort from the corporation which capitalized so heavily upon Gomez’s image, at the cost of her life.
The teen starlet, who just recorded a song with heartthrob Justin Bieber, was not alone in the accident. Two others died at the scene, however because they are not famous, and never will be, their names will not be printed here.
Uncomfirmed reports of two other individuals have surfaced amid reports Gomez was cheating on Bieber. Unnamed sources close to the couple indicated the two had “been having problems” but would not comment on the accident, or Gomez’s awesome underage drinking “problem.”
Goodnight, sweet prince.
Fans mourn the loss of Andrew Jackson Breitbart, the pundit better known by the name ‘Andy,’ who died early Thursday morning at his home in Los Angeles.
Breitbart was pronounced dead at 3:48 a.m. EST. Cause of death was listed as “Complications associated with acquired immunodeficiency syndrome,” or AIDS. He was 43.
Breitbart is survived by twelve ex-wives and six children.
Because no will was entered into the public record, Breitbart’s charity for underprivileged children in Africa, the Konfidence Foundation, will dissolve.
Remaining assets are to be turned over to DR (Congo) for future disbursement to nobody in particular.
After a recent vitriolic and hateful explosion at an Occupy event, Andrew Breitbart has been accused of hoaxing his own death. Breitbart didn’t receive the kind of attention he had hoped for from his drunken hate speech, so now he’s sunk to the same level as the Internet Chronicle and is on the road to infinite blog hits.
Disclaimer – This is all completely fucking true and you’d be a fool to believe anything BigGovernment.com says. No, it’s not just another formulaic Akon death article, it is so much more.
DALLAS – Fans mourn the loss of Barrett Cockram Brown, who was found murdered in his modest home Sunday morning.
Police stated Brown died slowly from a controlled blood loss which took “at the very least,” several hours.
Coroners report Brown died at 3:32 AM CST on Sunday. Not all of Brown’s remains were recovered, and investigators suggested Brown’s testicles had been kept as a small trophy by a group of high-ranking members of the Zetas, a drug cartel Brown repeatedly threatened on YouTube.
Brown’s prolific writing career was sullied by his repeated attempts to act as a spokesperson for Anonymous, the hacktivist collective which largely treats Brown as a total pariah.
Brown’s recent book deal with Amazon, known enemy of Anonymous, created intense controversy because of Brown’s hunger for dirty corporate money to support his drug habits.
Brown is survived by a few junkie friends who have dedicated their latest binge to his memory.
Our close friends within Anonymous infiltrated the e-mail accounts of Illuminati agents several months ago, waiting for the kind of scoop we got this morning. The following is an uncensored excerpt from an Illuminati e-mail which has not been fully disclosed to the public because of its sensitive nature and the extreme discretion Anonymous uses when dealing with Illuminati material.
“The target was intercepted at Tru Hollywood and the poison was administered with very little altercation. The agent was disposed of using the established Jack Ruby method.”
Anonymous generally keeps Illuminati related hacks close to their belt, but found it outrageous that their beloved Whitney Houston – with similar eyebrows to the iconic Guy Fawkes masks – was murdered just for the purpose of distracting people from the massacres the Illuminati are currently directing in Syria.
Our analysts suggest that this is the final straw for the Illuminati. Anonymous will soon be swept away with a single campaign of false flag murders from the Illuminati, posing as angry j35t3r fans and Zetas.
Los Angeles– Fans mourn the loss of Whitney Elizabeth Houston, who died Friday evening in her room at the Beverly Hilton.
Whitney Houston died from fatal injuries sustained after an apparent violent encounter in her hotel room, say police.
Whitney Houston was pronounced dead at 6:55 p.m. EST. Cause of death has not been determined by police. Sources close to the musician suggested Whitney Houston may have dressed like she was “asking for it.” She was 48.
Whitney Houston is survived by her mother Cessa Houston, who has so far refused to speak to media about the circumstances surrounding her daughter’s death.
Whitney Houston’s charity, The Whitney Houston Foundation For Children, suffered financial losses after rumors of Whitney Houston’s crack abuse caused major donors to withdraw pledged funds.
Houston’s tumultuous relationship with Bobby Brown was marked by rumors of physical and sexual abuse which has raised several questions about the nature of Houston’s death. UPDATE: TMZ is reporting investigators have interviewed Bobby Brown in relation to the murder of Whitney Houston. UPDATE: Click this link to find the truth behind Bobby Brown’s involvement!
New York City– It is our sad duty to inform you that longtime reporter and friend to chronicle.su, Frank Mason, has died.
Mason was alone in his apartment Monday when his heart stopped amid one episodic panic attack. Because of his work and general nature, Mason was prone to anxiety attacks as many as four times per week and in some instances, would not sleep for thirty six hours or more at a time.
According to paramedics who arrived at the scene, Mason told friends online that he’d been awake for over forty hours. His messages showed concern, said one EMT, for strange sensations in his chest that later turned out to be heart failure. Officials emphasized that if only Mason “had cared enough about his health,” a phone call might have saved his pointless, insignificant life.
Mason is survived by his dog, Shale, and roommates Mike Henderson and Lewis Manning. Who and where Mason’s family may be are yet to be determined, investigators said.
Writing and editing for the Chronicle, Mason was forced to live a series of compartmentalized secret lives, said fellow editor Dr. Kilgore Trout, who watched the man metamorphose from an eager cub reporter into a fractured shell of a man.
“There was something in his voice – something in the way he said, ‘I’ll gut you like a deer carcass!’ that made me believe him.”
“He would sometimes be really friendly online,” Trout said. “But other times, he was crass and difficult to get along with. He once threatened to kill me over an edit I made to one of his stories. And, you know, there was something in his voice – something in the way he said, ‘I’ll gut you like a deer carcass!’ that made me believe him. I changed his punctuation back to a semi-colon but later blocked his calls.”
Trout indicated Mason will be hard to replace, if not impossible, and said he planned to buy a larger room against his cabin in order to fit enough wild chimpanzees and typewriters to replicate the deceased writer’s eclectic personality.
“Probably just gonna stack them up over there,” Trout said, pointing in the direction of a pile of bloated garbage bags across which was slung a coarse red blanket, soiled and rotten. “They can lay on that while they type.”
Fans of Mason are as elusive as the writer himself. The online guestbook for Mason’s funeral was still untouched Monday evening, and is slated for deletion if it is not at least spammed between Monday and Wednesday morning, said a spokesman for St. Luther’s Funeral Services. Sources within the hacking collective Anonymous fear everything they touch and refuse to leave a digital fingerprint anywhere, even the guestbook of their unelected but rightful Messiah, Frank Mason, the infallible, unforgotten voice of chronicle.su.
See you in Hell, Frank.
-The Chronicle Staff
Lil Wayne, 29, died tragically at his Louisiana home on Wednesday, December 28.
New Orleans– Fans mourn the loss of Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr., the artist better known as ‘Lil Wayne,’ who died early Wednesday morning at his home in New Orleans.
Lil Wayne has died from fatal injuries caused to himself after a massive overdose of the popular rage drug PCP.
Lil Wayne was pronounced dead at 6:59 a.m. EST. Cause of death was listed as “fatal injuries caused to himself after a massive overdose of phencyclidine.” Sources close to the musician suggested Lil Wayne may have taken too much PCP, a popular party drug, and done severe damage to his face with his hands and sharp knives. He was 29.
Lil Wayne is survived by ex-wife Toya Carter and four children.
Lil Wayne’s charity, Change.org, suffered financial losses after rumors that Wayne borrowed money from the philanthropist organization without returning it, marring the charity group with exactly the negative image of black society from which volunteers work extensively to protect children.
Key assets of Lil Wayne’s estate are expected to be turned over to Change.org, an organization that helps prepare young black inner city youth for the trials of tomorrow.
In his lifetime, numerous lawsuits were filed against Lil Wayne. While these were mostly for copyright infringements and intellectual property theft, he also owed millions of dollars in royalties to scores of people, many of whom were never repaid.
Kim Jong-il died heroically at 69.
Pyongyang–The most powerful person on Earth, the Dear Leader Kim Jong-il has entered the next phase of consciousness Monday, where he rules the heavens with unforgiving, merciless love. The North Korean leader died of a heart attack.
Kim Jong-il, who recently guest starred in a reality TV show wherein participants traded places with their higher-ups, died of a heart attack during his morning transit to the dogmeat factory. While forced to ride on a train without breakfast to his seventh twelve hour shift of the week, the Dear Leader’s heart stopped before reaching his destination.
Jong-il’s death went unnoticed for at least forty five minutes until totalitarian overlords sent out a search party and bloodhounds to retrieve him for work duty. The dogs reportedly tore his carcasses to pieces and ate most of the remains.
Details are, as yet, unconfirmed because international calls are still forbidden, punishable by death, and must remain within the boundaries of Stalin’s last playground – North Korea, where all people are all the same in the eyes of the Great Successor and peacefully suffer never-ending hell marches in perfect equality.
“Unlike our enemy neighbors,” said state spokesperson Min Il-Suk, “North Korea enjoys a prosperous human cloning program. Which is why we are pleased to announce Kim Jong-un! HAIL THE GLORIOUS NEW LEADER!“
After the collapse of the Soviet Union, North Korea suffered heavily until Kim Jong-il bravely horded all the money in the country and used it to suppress both hunger and uprisings.
We straight brah. Enjoy your banquet, Dear Leader.
The United States has nearly 30,000 troops in South Korea, ready to raid the North, where it is feared Kim Jong-un could likely empty the nation’s coffers into its people, wasting valuable war funds on food or medical supplies for the unseen poor dying in gutters and alleys.
Analysts monitor the situation closely to be sure North Korea doesn’t “try any shit.” There is little to no mention in the weak-hearted mainstream American media of Monday’s short range missile test, whose effects could soon be felt.