The gubment took my pension, and other short stories
Has the gubment taken your pension? Is the man keeping you down? Look no further than the government to get you back on your feet.
Yes sir, there’s nothing like a quick pick-me-up from Uncle Sam for when the government gets you down.
Are you stuck in the same old routine of DUI charges and riding your bicycle through the ghetto? Say goodbye to your sore, sweaty ass that gets oh-so-tender from that unloving bike seat, and say hello to driving without a license!
Your rebellion will not go unnoticed. When the poe leece attempt to pull you over, you’ll be ready with a big middle-finger displayed prominently through your driver’s side window as you fail to submit to the unyielding authority of “the law.” [more like the "hell naw" am I right?]
They will be dumbfounded by your brazen display of courage under fire – literally – when your own determination shields you from the resulting hail of gunfire. Like Superman in the intro to that show that wasn’t titled “Superman” for whatever fucking reason, you will stand tall, deflecting their ammunition and teargas bombs defiantly, proudly, staring off over the horizon, like Barack Obama would do, as you wonder whether you’ll eat burgers or steaks for dinner tonight.
Yes, you too can live above the law without bearing the inconvenience of living “below radar” using a proper sense of self-entitlement and belligerence, adding just a pinch of tenacity punctuated by your complete ignorance.
“Land of the free? Whoever told you that is your enemy.”
Fuck the police!
This has been a message from your local Roanoke County Law Overenforcement Agency. Stay in school. Or drop out. We make money off you either way.
Now back to your regularly scheduled Elf Wax Update:
I can hear ‘em talking to me. I swear to God that motherfucking satellite dish won’t quieten down.
They’re sending orders for Lee Iacocca. Tony Danza. Doctor Zhivago. It’s an uprising. Lee Iacocca, to save GM from a second bankruptcy, is redesigning Hitler’s limousine, adding soundproof windows and updating it with modern XM Satellite Radio. “SIRIUS is optional for you Howard Stern fans.”
Danza will drive, and the Doc – well, the Doc is there in case things get too Harry. You see, we’re headin’ up to Washington tonight to let Viceroy Hussein know the score, that WE know the score that WE know what is really happening behind those closed doors. God damn it, the’Merican people got a right to know, and we ain’t gonna let no motherfuckers stand in our way of that right. We didn’t let the Koreans. We didn’t let the Japs. And we sure as hell ain’t gonna let ourselves.
If anybody’s gonna stand in the way of liberties, it’s gonna be me and Jesus, God willing. God fuckin’ willing.
How many Hail Mary’s is that? I’ll do four.
We ain’t gonna let ‘em take away our American Dream from us, ain’t no way no fuckin’ how motherfucker. That’s why we’re comin’. Rollin’ three deep with Doctor Zhivago in that bullet proof Hitler-mobile, man the fuckin’ Pope hail Mary ain’t got shit on this shit. That Pope mobile’s a fuckin’ joke right now, but Osama Hussein Bomberman’s gonna wish he had the Popemobile when we roll up on that shit with Hitler’s limo, baby!
What do we know that needs to be put out in the open? Well, if we fucking knew it, we wouldn’t be so hard-up wanting the government to disclose what it knows about aliens, then would we? Use your fuckin’ heads man. That’s all I’m sayin’.
Free energy, crop circles, god damn interstellar dimensional hyperdrives of UNKNOWN FUCKIN PROPORTIONS gateways to heaven and hell, Christ almighty are you fucking blind. The corporations, man. GM, Hybrid vehicles, all that’s bullshit. We invented free fuckin energy decades ago but those shit-for-brains motherfuckers in the oil industry – bought ‘em up – shelved it – and keep chokin’ our dicks for every last cent. I’m pissin’ pennies, now baby, we can’t even GAS UP THAT FUCKIN HITLER MOBILE with premium, we’re putting unleaded 87 in her and hoping the piece of shit don’t crap out halfway to Memphis. Fuckin’ Germans had it right, SIEG HEIL means build my motherfuckin’ POPEMOBILE TO IACOCCAN STANDARDS.
Elf Wax Update:
This is part seven of a five-part series on insanity, brought to you by the homeless guy you ignore each day on your walk home from work.
Roanoke, Va. – A Cave Spring-area youth was high on marijuana today when he realized that time does not exist and therefore the speed at which the Earth moves through space is immeasurable, yet “so fast.”
Jonathan Spokane, above the influence, behind the wheel
Jonathan Spokane, 15, described to reporters how his mind came to be blown, saying, “We were drivin’ around, celebratin’ 4:20 after summer school when I started to daydream. I was thinking about space, and said to Joe, ‘Yo Joe. Space is like, really fuckin’ huge, man.’ Then Joe was like, ‘Hey I wonder what time it is in space?’”
Jonathan said he was puzzled by the question at first, until the answer came to him, at which point he could no longer remember his name, address, or even where he was driving his mom’s carload of friends.
His mind was blown, reportedly after he decided for himself that without a constant measurement of the discernible gravitational forces at work, there could not possibly be a basis for the measurement of time, which he said is already a “human construct” and therefore “irrelevant” to people who “know what’s up.”
Jonathan’s personal revelations, analysts predict, will lead him to experiment with harder drugs such as hallucinogenic mushrooms, LSD, peyote and mescaline – all to serve him in his singular quest for what he calls “the ultimate truth” about our existence and/or non-existence, both and neither of which he intends to prove.
Roanoke Valley Law (over)Enforcement Agencies and the FBI are on the lookout for Jonathan Spokane in connection with the assault of several police officers during a scuffle and the telephoned harassment of the County juvenile court judge. FBI director of searches and seizures Mark Warren told Elf Wax Times early this Monday morning that when police failed to apprehend him, he was “wild-eyed” and repeating the chorus from Black Sabbath’s “Fairies Wear Boots.” He is allegedly armed with a set of Ginsu kitchen knives and considered extremely dangerously capable of dicing a variety of foods quickly to subdue what are expected to be critical munchies.
Head. Fellatio. Hummer. Blowjob. Going down. Tooting the horn. Playing the skin flute. Smoking the pole. Polishing the knob. Addressing the court.
No matter what you call it, we all love it. If you can find a girl who is good at it, and will do it regularly, you should marry her…….marry her right now, or give me her phone number. Girls like that are hard to find. Guys who don’t like it are even harder to find. Which leads me to ask this question:
WHO IN THE HELL IS RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING BLOWJOBS ILLEGAL IN NORTH CAROLINA?
Yes, blowjobs are illegal in North Carolina. Here is the actual statute:
§ 14-177. Crime against nature – North Carolina awards a punishment classified as a Class I felony upon successful conviction, with a presumptive imprisonment of two years, for anyone who commits a crime against nature with man or beast.
“The legislative intent and purpose of this section is to punish persons who undertake by unnatural and indecent methods to gratify a perverted and depraved sexual instinct which is an offense against public decency and morality. Unmarried persons are subject to prosecution for consensual fellatio done in private. North Carolina also prohibits habitual intercourse as proscribed behavior punishable as a Class 2 misdemeanor. The privilege of marriage is explained to be an avoidance of prosecution for legal access to habitual intercourse with one’s sexual partner.”
That’s right………you can go to prison for two years if you get a blowjob in North Carolina. And single guys who get laid a lot in North Carolina can be charged with “Habitual Intercourse” and sent to prison for two years.
This has been illegal in North Carolina since it became a state, and was originally punishable by death. That’s right, getting a blowjob in North Carolina would get you put to death. The old law read:
“Any person who shall commit the abominable and detestable crime against nature, not to be named among Christians, shall be adjudged guilty of felony, and shall suffer death without benefit of clergy.” N.C. Rev. Stat.ch. 34, § 6 (1837)
This law was derived from the law passed in England by Henry the Eighth in 1533.
In 1868, North Carolina changed the law to what is currently written, and the penalty had been reduced from death, to 60 years in prison. The sentence gradually reduced in severity over the years, but the law has not changed much from what was originally written by Henry the Eighth.
Why would someone……anyone……any man……hate blowjobs so much? Did a woman with sharp teeth bite Henry the Eighth’s cock during a blowjob? Did the founder of North Carolina have his prick bitten off when his horse drawn carriage hit a bump while he was getting a hummer? I just can’t imagine what would prompt someone to pass such a cruel and unjust law. There was a time when I would have been on North Carolina’s most wanted list. Not for murder, rape, acts of terrorism, or manufacturing meth…..but for getting a lot of head, and “habitual intercourse”.
This is insane!
After consulting with the Elf Wax legal team, I have decided the best way to put a stop to this madness is to begin contacting North Carolina congressmen and senators, and expressing our outrage at the fact that this archaic law is still being enforced.
Use the link below to contact every congressman and senator in North Carolina:
Washington, D.C.– In a harrowing defense of marijuana’s ongoing criminal status, FBI Director Robert Mueller successfully lumped marijuana in with all drugs. Dopes on the list include meth, heroin, oxycontin, crack and cocaine, but not alcohol, during a debate with Steve Cohen (D-TN). “Alcohol,” he said, “is just poisonous enough in its own right to remain.”
Steve Cohen asked Mueller, “Can you give statistics that point to deaths relating to marijuana?” Mueller said he could not. That is when he employed the “gateway drug” argument, familiar within the intellectual circle of teachers, preachers, school principals, police officers and FOX News viewers. And your granddad.
Tennessee Congressman Steve Cohen’s embarrassing loss in the marijuana debate can be seen here:
Elf Wax Political Science Department analysis hails the FBI director’s clandestine reinforcement of the perceived evils of marijuana, calling it, “a classic D.A.R.E. response, sure to win the hearts and minds of parents who lost children to rampant heroin addictions everywhere.”
Brian “Honeybee” Seesaw, chief Elf Wax drug abuse aficionado, said, “What’s more, is he managed to exact upon all people with drug addictions the notion that they all started with ‘pot’ or ‘grass’, or what is known scientifically as ‘The Devil’s Weed’ by citing anecdotes he imagined in which a parent might hypothetically say their son smoked pot in addition to snorting cocaine. That’s hard-hitting evidence if I’ve ever seen it.”
Furthermore, Robert Mueller reassured Americans that forty percent of them are in fact dangerous drug-abusing criminals, and ought to be locked up or at the very least fined, placed on probation, urine-tested monthly, and disallowed to drive a vehicle, staining their records permanently.
The pot-smoking, acid-dropping Democratic Representative of Tennessee had no further questions for Mr. Mueller and later indicated to the press he would be checking himself into a rehabilitation facility following the discovery of Cohen’s recent shameful thoughts found in CNN’s broadcast of his unpatriotic questioning of the supreme (im)balance of power and his Communistic lack of trust in the State’s ability to make every American’s personal, spiritual, and moral decisions for them.
In a landmark decision, President Obama has proclaimed that there are too many ugly people getting married and breeding, and that it has already reached epidemic proportions.
“How many times have you gone to the mall, and seen two disgusting people walking around with a pack of ugly kids”, Obama asked the audience in the press room. Obama went on to say “these same people can be seen walking around the nations capitol, with their brood of ugly children. How can I possibly change the image of our country, when foreign dignitaries visit America and see ugly people everywhere they look”.
If this proposal becomes regulation, couples who are deemed to be ugly will be limited to having only one offspring. This would prevent them from continuing to flood the country with their kind.
The president has unanimous support from both Republicans and Democrats in his fight to stop this epidemic, with the lone opposition being from Rep. John Boehner (R-OH 8th District).
Boehner told an Elf Wax Times White House correspondent that “If we allow the President to regulate the breeding of ugly people, who knows what he could start to regulate next”. Boehner expressed concerns that “First it will be ugly people, then it will be people who are named after erections”.
In spite of Boehner’s vehement objections, President Obama’s proposal will likely pass both houses, and become law.
It’s as easy as BCC: Barricade, Concoct, Communicate.
Pile all of your furniture up against your front and back doors, along with any other additional entrances to your soon to be Alamo. Bust apart whatever furniture is left and cover the windows with spare wood and upholstery. Pile all scraps in the middle of your main staging area. This is where you may have to die, so if you die among the trash, you can be scooped up along with everything else for easy delivery to the nearest landfill.
This is where you contrive your plans to hold yourself hostage. It is also the execution phase, so moving on, you come to realize holding yourself hostage is a really bad idea because basically you’re just threatening the police to kill yourself and there is really no ransom to be had at all, so you’re going to have to pretend like someone else is in the house with you.
Call the police. Tell them you have been held hostage by an enormous man named Manuell Elberto Gero, and he wants forty five hundred thousand dollars in exchange for your safe return to your now destroyed home which you are already in. Manuell doesn’t know English that well, but he is trying his hardest anyway and the police are convinced that he will either get his money or kill you trying. Should they drop a duffel bag full of currency into your ventilation system, you’re free to hide the money in an unplanned yet highly convenient hiding place that the police, for whatever reason, will fail to search when going through your home trying to find evidence of Manuell’s escape route. Should they attempt to intrude on your beautifully orchestrated scheme to defraud taxpayers of next year’s new project budget to bulldoze a park, you’ll be forced to set fire to the scraps and tinder you have thrown into the middle of your living room floor. Should your scrap pile not make a large enough pyre to set fire to the ceilings, you’ll be forced to kill yourself by whatever means most immediately snuff your life force before the S.W.A.T. team comes around the last corner to see you naked and alone on the telephone. This way, they will not know that Manuell was but a figment of your imagination created as a ruse to stiff some dimwits out of a few thousand dollars at the expense of your freedom, dignity and even your life.
YOURTOWN, US–After a recent independent investigation, it has come to our attention here at the Times that Dan K., a known pal to many locals, has indeed returned to the area.
For the past several months, Dan K.(whose last name is unknown but certainly begins with ‘K’) has been missing from the vicinity, leaving friends to consider social alternatives. Although no details are known of his mysterious departure, local residents are no doubt thrilled, and rightfully so, to learn of K.’s safe return.
Friend of the EW Times (and, of course, Dan. K), Travis Parcha, 23, had nothing but kind words to offer. “It’s [nice to him see doing] pretty good stuff [with his life].” Parcha then commented on the character of Mr. K. “[He's] not seedy at all.”
Parcha, seen here, the last time he enjoyed quality time with Dan K.
Acquaintances agree that Dan should be around town for at least a few months, if not longer. In the event that he disappears again unexpectedly, Yourtown citizens can rest easy, knowing that they can always consort with Sherman Wag, a distant cousin of K. who’s really only fun to hang out with in large doses.
Iran and the United States have come together in a landmark baby step, citing their agreement. “Afghani drugs are no good,” says Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. This is partly because the Taliban is forcing the peasants to grow opium, and partly because the United States would have a perfect shot at winning the War on Drugs if it weren’t for these meddlin’ A-rabs and their cockamamy dope schemes.
“Afghani Kush is just something college kids say in order to sell their weak, low-grade pot to each other,” Stanley Straightedge, director of the D.E.A. published in an official press statement released Monday. “We don’t want to effect that.” Straightedge indicated that the two countries are not so concerned with the marijuana leaving Afghanistan, but they want to stem the opium trade, which has been directly linked to terrorism, contrary to what post-9/11 commercials told pot-smoking soccer-moms: that all the money they spent on gas and weed were actually buying the videotaped beheadings of journalists.
He continued, “The kind of drugs coming from Afghanistan contain no more opiates than your grandmother’s ordinary pain medications.” Straightedge went on to say, “The really good stuff is coming out of Mexico, and we feel that the gang wars taking place in the dirt capital of the world are helping to improve the quality of our imports due to increased competition.” He indicated that he wants to keep those fears flowing as a last bastion for xenophobic politicians who sometimes tend to run out of creativity around voting season. “Plus, you’ve got to feed the monkey,” he added.
Now, Iran’s sudden anti-drug stance and a shared interest in being the largest buzz-kill in the Eastern Hemisphere has finally given the United States a reason to like them. In the past, heroin peddlers have used the technique of injecting their potential purchasers in order to get them hooked before they even know they want to buy the drug, leaving them with little choice thereafter but to feed their newfound dependence. Borrowing from this tactic, the U.S. is planning to Zerg-rush the third-world country’s primary source of income with narcotics agents, the antithesis to drug-runners, in an unprecedented move thought by E.W. Times analysts to be the one and only action left to take on the Taliban “that will surely lead to a new terrorist bombing in the future.”
“Basically,” Wayneskis said, “What you’ve got here is a bunch of assholes out in the desert with only one good thing going for ‘em: drugs. It’s fine and good for them, but how’s that helping you and me shop at Kroger?” Wayne continued, “This is a real problem for us and for them too because the only way they’re going to be able to plant some grass, open jobs at the Gap, build a good clean country [HEIL] and grow our corn is to get off that heroin and start injecting Uncle Sam.”
On an unrelated note, the War with Iran is expected to begin on its predetermined start date of July 4, 2010.
The Chinese have denied the existence of a recent video released showing the vicious beatings of Tibetans by what appear to be a small Chinese police force. In their defense, a Chinese official proudly stated that because the video was posted over YouTube, a web service that has been officially banned since 2008, they never saw it, it doesn’t exist, and as far as they care, whatever video that happens to be floating around out there is simply pro-Tibet propaganda determined to tarnish the the central Chinese government’s consistent track record displaying its ability to cover up an obvious total crackdown on all unofficial states of mind.
Outside source Walter Sobchack told Elf Wax reporters it was in fact a matter of “unchecked aggression,” saying, “The Chinaman is not the issue here, dude. I’m talking about drawing a line in the sand. Across this line, YOU DO NOT-” Sobchack interrupted himself to iterate that Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature, requesting reporters and his bowling partner to use the politically correct, updated term, “Asian American, please.”
A Chinese government official was quoted as saying, “The Dalai Lama group is used to fabricating lies to deceive the international community.” The unnamed speaker for the Chinese police-state said he had personally gathered evidence with far-reaching implications in the future dynamics of religion and politics as he went on to complain of yo’ mama jokes which the Dalai Lama and others had made in regards to her weight and intelligence. “Every joke contains a kernel of truth,” he cited, and so the jokes were later proven by the state with photographic and anecdotal evidence to be largely untrue. He said, “she has never tripped over any phone, cordless or otherwise, even when we had telegraph wire lying in the floor of the opium dens.” The Chinese Secretary of Defense Chi Gong was once recorded wearing a wire complimenting [unnamed spokesperson]‘s yellow raincoat which he said, “neither made people call out taxi, nor prevented her from hailing one, as our state transportation department cab service is fair, balanced and justified regarding its decisions of who, and who not, to pick up when selecting fares, even in the cases of these vicious beatings, which did not happen, the Tibetans were provided with a prompt, free taxi service to a Tibetan shrine deep into the Earth’s crust.” However, there was already such public outcry against the Dalai Lama’s earlier mama jokes from prior months that, by this time, the Tibetan spiritual and political leader was exiled indefinitely from Tibet by Chinese authorities. So unlike actual Chinese-Tibetan Buddhist monks, the Dalai Lama protests safely from Dharamshala, India.
In a backstage interview, an unnamed Chinese actor said he portrayed a security guard whose role in the filming of the anti-Chinese propaganda video was to pretend to beat, choke and kick people tied up with mock zip-ties. “For a group of people who have released all worldly possessions, they sure are attached to their land; we want to show the world just how attached they are,” he said. “Hey, you guys wanna go eat some Chinese after this?” In an interview with an actual Chinese security guard who requested that he not be named, lest the heavy hand of Communism wipe his existence out entirely, said that if what happened in the video were to have actually taken place, “The idea would be to get them acquainted with beatings, captivity and general harassment methods and try to open them up to the idea that staying here isn’t going to be the peaceful, meditative experience they thought they’d live the rest of their lives out to be.” He continued, “What they tell you in the pamphlets and the brochures about this place, whatever it is, it can’t be true. We are constantly beating and torturing these people. Abducting them, interrogating them and locking them away in our prisons. With all the beatings, I really don’t think it’s a very suitable place for retirement into the tranquil arms of unending peace.”
The Dalai Lama said he will turn his back on the failure of Tibet once he finally overcomes how awesome it is that he became the Dalai Lama because he accidentally picked out the right combination of hairbrushes, cups and toys as an infant, an event which some claim he “doesn’t even remember”.
Armed cattlemen gather to wrangle up
sheep-like capital resource
Our generation is doomed to the cooperation of all distributors of every major known resource in a valiant effort to turn a buck on the entire human race at each opportunity, degenerating us with PR incentives into an unquestioning, unthinking, digitally satisfied, technologically gratified, self-tending human plantation. If things continue at the pace iPhones and on-demand cable have set out, then we will not evolve, but devolve, the opposable thumb becoming civilization’s fiercest natural enemy.
The total output and sheer growth in numbers of cell phone towers will finally generate a large enough volume of short radio waves through polluted air to double the rate of all conditional cancers so as to make yet more money off the same resource, selling vital medications until the usefulness of a particular hominid’s living insides is so rotted, drugged up and decomposed that only local funeral homes can pick off the last few thousand dollars left in his or her insurance fund. One final score for the cash-vultures willing to carve up your corpse and who don’t mind breathing in a little formaldehyde.
As the Indians took and used all parts of the buffalo but the brain, which they used against the animal’s configurable habits to control it into the killzone, so too does the invisible hand of our unseen master from the front porch of his far-off third-world plantation.