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ARKANSAS STRIKES DOWN STATUTORY RAPE LAWS

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LITTLE ROCK — Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders signed the Minors Advancing in Prosperity (MAP) bill today, with media reports focusing on many shocking aspects of the 100,000 page legislation. Included along with the easing of child labor laws was the revision of several criminal punishments for minor-related sex crimes. New wording removed jail terms for most felonies and focused in on correcting pedophilic acts with rehabilitation at state-funded religious centers.

“It’s like an addiction!” said Jerry Fowler. “Basically its like we’re ending the drug war.”

In addition to his membership on the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum Committee, Fowler is a youth minister who specializes in counseling recovering addicts of all kinds.

New Miracle baby dust pills by Lebal Drocer IncHe recently advocated for a controversial form of conversion therapy to help pedophiles and child abusers like Sarah Sanders recover.

“They don’t call it jailbait for nothing,” Fowler said. “We throw them in with the fatties who are addicted to sugar, the needle freaks, and the porno pyros. They’re all just addicted, addicted to sin. It’s a medical thing, nothing more.”

Fowler, who spoke with his hands in his pockets, nodded to a long gray building with bars on the windows. Its paint is peeled from years of neglect, revealing layers of color history, grays, greens, olive drab, turquoise, red and black.

“Then we BREAK them down and rebuild them,” Fowler continued. “Like the military does. But we can handle this ourselves. We need big government out of medicine so we can move this society along, move the economy along, to get that engine burning you have to burn through a few thousand souls. As you can see, we have the facilities to support that.”

Fowler’s ministry has been certified and funded under the bill, which reclassifies his megachurch as a Class-A medical facility that is licensed to rehabilitate hundreds of thousands of criminals a year, at Fowler’s sole discretion.

Every smiling face tells its story.

Governor Huckabee Sanders said the Fowler ministries helped her get over her sadosexual mental illnesses, but that she still wants to open up all manner of child labor, stressing something about the economy maybe.

“Overall, that was President Obama’s idea. I guess it’s good for the economy or whatever. We put in all this gross stuff.”

Republicans enjoy full control of all legislative bodies of the Arkansas state government, and now the bodies of Arkansas children as well.

Heartwarming

“We want Child Trafficking networks to be legal and safe,” Governor Huckabee said, “So many children disappear and their parents lose track of them as they are traded around without paperwork. Making it legal will make child trafficking safe again, helping slaves stay in touch with their loved ones, and maybe, one day, giving parents a legal route to buy them back.”

While other journalists have been living with a healthy work-life balance, Internet Chronicle writers doubled down, in an absolute frenzy, and speed-read the bill, racing against always-on AI reporters who ingest facts and information thousands of times per second.

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In a postmodern cyberpunk version of John Henry’s race against the steam hammer, Internet Chronicle reporters were just barely able to outperform the machine, but only at a dire cost to their health and well-being.

The shocking content that has been rolled into the new freedom-based algorithms have dealt thousands of traumatic blows to their fragile male psyches. The only thing that has kept them reporting is the ever more potent forms of terrormax under development at Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador.

Dr. Troubador is currently suffering from content creator burnout and mental health, and requires financial support from readers like you. The Arkansas Child Rape Files are a series of investigative pieces that delve into the hate and lies fueling the Republican party’s decline towards fascism and loosening of child rape laws.

With your contributions Dr. Troubadour can continue his habitual efforts to bring truth to justice, and exploring every weird nook and cranny of the seedy underbelly where he knows a guy.

“I have an itch for new medicine, I’m constantly developing, changing, evolving,” Troubadour says with a wink and a smile. “Wherever my research takes me, I always follow my nose.”

[Editor’s note: Please revise. Include the word ‘consent’ somewhere in this story. Resubmit prior to publication.]

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Law Science

New legislation could silence all animal and wildlife sounds

 

Are you sick of the birds?

Are you tired of hearing those damn stupid crickets?

You did not just tell a bad joke.
It is the crickets who should die.

Your voices have been heard, President Biden said during a Labor Day speech on Monday.

“Who among us has not been affected by this?” he asked a room of confused reporters in the West Wing. “Do you not hear the cicadas right now? Listen, folks.”

Biden is readying the US for an unprecedented confrontation with Nature itself.

State and county leaders are asking constituents to “catch up with progress.”

Some municipalities have done nothing to prepare, while others have put sonic offensive weapons on order, that will drive critters out using frequencies undetectable by the human ear.

The country is responding to a bill moving through congress that would instate a blanket, midnight curfew for all wildlife across the continental United States, ordering the creatures to be quiet, and stay home.

An amendment could extend the legislation to Alaska and Hawaii, where there are fucking loud, continuous ocean noises.

Hawaii state attorney Stan K. Ridgedon said he would be satisfied if he never heard a wave crashing upon the beach again.

“It is powerful legislation, with full bipartisan support,” Ridgedon said. “From the heights of the Rockies to the valleys of ancient Appalachia, they’ve heard enough, and they’re putting a stop to it. We deserve the same rights. Now I’m going to have to call you back, I’m sorry, I can’t hear anything over these fucking seagulls.”

According to the bill, any bugs or animals heard chirping, squeaking, or singing, or is found out after midnight, is to be killed on site, by anyone, by any means necessary.

“We’re going to quieten everything down,” Biden said. “It’s gotten very loud.”

Jeane Paddy, 54, owns a soybean farm and recently bought a fully automatic assault rifle from Walmart. Ralph, a helpful employee, assisted her in fitting a customized holographic scope to the weapon, efficient for killing varmints.

“I’m getting fitted for my bandolier next Tuesday,” Paddy said. “If this is what it’s going to take so I don’t have to hear those songbirds chirping every day then, sweetheart, you can call me Patriot Paddy. We got a war to win.”

The owls over Paddy’s barn, she said, will hoot no more.

The Internet Chronicle was invited out to Paddy’s ranch in Vermont to hear what a difference this bill could make. Sitting across from the staff were Paddy’s children Biff, 12, and Judy, 7. Their faces lit up with hope when the newsmen came to see.

Paddy had them demonstrate lines from Hamlet, in which Biff is starring for a fall production.

After a late dinner, the kids ran around laughing and playing in the yard. Paddy squinted into the sunset, concentrating hard not to hear the birds.

The sun started down, and the mourning doves sang their final tune.

The kids were sent inside to have a snack before bedtime. Paddy, standing by the front door, loaded an extended magazine into her rifle, slung across one shoulder and decorated with Hello Kitty stickers.

With no formality, Paddy quickly went outside. Over the next few minutes, the children finished their cookies and milk in the dining room, and were talking about school, when the conversation was suddenly interrupted by gunfire.

With hands folded on the large oak table in front of them, the light left their eyes for a moment, as the first shot rang out. Judy flinched. Biff stared forward.

Another shot.

The gaze on the children’s faces fell to the table.

Over the next half hour, more than 40 shots were fired as they got themselves ready for bed. Not a word was spoken in the household, as day turned to night.

Another 30 minutes later, and Paddy returned, the hair dancing on her red cheeks in the entrance. She was shaking leaves out of a hat as she closed the door behind her.

“Hear that?” she said with a grin. “All quiet!”

A mass burn event is scheduled for Friday, September 9 at county fairgrounds in various states.

Locals are invited to haul out your kills and chuck ’em on a pile of what is sure to be a lot of dead animal carcasses. Drive on through, or stay and enjoy the burn.

Check your local courthouse for details. Bring the family, but be quiet.

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Categories
Law

California Legalizes Parasocial Marriage

After California passed the Parasocial Marriage Bill, over 27,000 citizens filed for the new parasocial marriage licenses.

INTERNET — Monday, California Governor Gavin Newsom signed the Parasocial Marriage Bill into law, which went into effect immediately. This controversial new law allows individuals to enter into a one-way marriage with their favorite entertainers and fictional characters. Lawmakers say this new law will benefit the economy by allowing the estates of single people to be more easily disbursed to struggling content creators and corporations, while giving single people a reason to live.

Jerome Glassley of San Diego showed off his engagement ring, telling reporters, “Finally, after years of struggle and oppression, my friends and family and even the government have come around and are accepting of my Waifu, Hinata. I am planning a full, real wedding with all the trimmings and I couldn’t be more delighted.”

Twitch megastreamer, Amouranth, was parasocially wed to nearly two hundred fans just hours after the Parasocial Marriage Bill passed. According to state marriage clerk, Cindy Lawhorn, the clerks’ offices across the state are swamped with paperwork.

Amouranth told the Internet Chronicle, “It’s nice that people are so accepting and that my fans are finding a new meaning in life. I think parasocial marriage is the best thing to come to California in decades.”

Other states, including Oregon and Colorado are looking into their own parasocial marriage laws, and several delegates in West Virginia have already begun drafting their own parasocial legislation.

Parasocial Marriage Critic and psychologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador has warned that encouraging parasocial relationships may lead to a sudden decline in birth rates and mental health, saying, “A one way relationship is not necessarily unhealthy, but my research has shown it increases suicidal impulses. The only real legal force that these marriages have is to serve as a de facto will granting your property to your so-called marriage partner after death. It’s all fun and games now, but this might begin to encourage a lot of murders and suicides as people begin to target their friends and neighbors with parasocial marriages.”