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After running over five people and killing one, Dr. Troubadour walks away as if nothing happened

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Troubadour was cleared of any wrong-doing.

MIAMI, Fla.–Dr. Troubadour was cleared of charges Monday, immediately following a distressing incident in which he inexplicably drove onto a bike path, striking five pedestrians and killing one, as another suffers life-threatening injuries.

According to eyewitness reports, the doctor and former professor emeritus at M.I.T., Angstrom H. Troubadour, intentionally swerved into a bike lane following a confrontation with cyclists.

The remaining four victims lying in the path were handcuffed and are being detained by the Miami Police Department on charges of obstructing a bike lane.

Sgt. Bailey Bondsman said the victims are being brought in for questioning.

Still from cellphone video shows path of destruction where Troubadour drove onto a bike lane, striking at least five cyclists.
Still from cellphone video shows path of destruction where Troubadour drove onto a bike lane, striking at least five cyclists.

“We’re going to find out what they done to upset Dr. Troubadour, compelling him to drive into the bike lane,” he said. “Were they good people? I don’t know. You tell me. Some of them were not even wearing helmets.”

The renegade doctor spoke to reporters via Twitter Spaces from his Mar-a-Lago suite on Monday. Dr. Troubadour, belonging to a protected class of society, said he walked away unharmed by the cruelty of legal process.

“I stepped out of the car,” Dr. Troubadour said, “and this woman looked about ready to project her entire lifetime of bad choices onto me. She said, ‘Aren’t you sorry?’ Well, I escalated it, and I got in her face and I said, ‘What the fuck did you just say to me?'”

Dr. Troubadour, author of the best-selling 15 Emotions You Can Live Without, puffed out his fat hairy barrel chest and put both arms out in a shrugging motion – with raised shoulders and palms facing the sky – as his eyes burned with fresh anger.

“I said, ‘Yeah I’m sorry, alright. I’m sorry I didn’t hit you, too,’ and I told my girls to get their things, and I said, ‘Don’t let her negativity ruin our fun day.'”

A spokesman for Miami PD called Dr. Troubadour a 'model citizen,' adding that bikers should be more aware of his presence around the community.
A spokesman for Miami PD called Dr. Troubadour a ‘model citizen,’ asking that bikers be more aware of his presence around the community.

Witnesses who waited at the scene said Troubadour pulled over and parked next to the bike path. He was overheard through the driver’s side window saying he was on his way from one pain clinic to another– the RDJ Pain Management Center, near the beach.

Sources saw Troubadour grab his things before stepping out of the driver’s seat. He walked away from the scene with three women, one appearing to have pissed herself during the event. The women proceeded to get their purses, beach towels and drug paraphernalia from the Tesla, and also did not appear to look at the scene.

“He showed no emotion,” one bystander said, who asked not to be named. “I wouldn’t either. Don’t traumatize me talking bout ‘what I did to you.’ Walk on, Doctor, walk on.”

Another witness said Troubadour owned the situation by refusing to acknowledge the people sprawled out among bicycle parts, fresh dirt, and wet grass tracked onto the path. Jeremy Raison, 42, called it a ‘textbook play’ straight out of The Alphabet of Manliness, a book published by Maddox, and still remembered by some.

“He got out, didn’t look at nobody, refused eye contact, answered no questions, and left calmly,” Raison said. “There wasn’t no laying around in the grass, bellyaching, ‘Boo hoo, I got run over by a world-famous prestigious physician.’ He just went on. They don’t make them like that no more. You’ve got to be next-level fucked up to hit all those people, and just walk away.”

Attorneys for Troubadour are seeking damages for the incident, citing tremendous medical bills received from his home office, where he is treating himself for CPTSD as a result of trauma.

Police say:

The four suspects slammed into by a car owned by Troubadour are being held at the Miami-Dade County Subterranean Dungeon Filled With Piss and Bile and High Level Monsters, where they will wait indefinitely, pending further charges.

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Aerosolized Vaccine to be distributed to Americans via “chemtrailing”

“INTERNET — Wednesday, the Biden administration rolled out plans to spray aerosolized mRNA COVID-19 vaccine over rural areas with low vaccination rates. The aerosolized vaccine, developed by pharmaceutical giant J&J, is “safe and effective” when administered by aircraft.

President Biden told reporters, “We can’t have these podunk towns incubating dangerous new strains of a deadly virus just because they think that’s going to make them more free. That’s the kind of malarkey that is getting thousands of Americans killed.”

“Today, I signed an order allowing for the wholesale spraying of the safe and effective aerosolized Corona vaccine, in several areas with shockingly low vaccination rates,” President Biden told reporters.

Opponents of the vaccine have suggested taking precautions appropriate for imminent chemical warfare, and some rural towns have reported a surge in sales of duct tape, plastic sheeting, and air purifiers. However, Biden’s announcement comes nearly a month after the military began secretly administering the vaccine.

Gerald Helmsworth of LaPlace, Indiana, hailed this announcement as “doomsday” and has been posting to facebook from inside of his fallout shelter. “This is the big one, folks, the final and ultimate push for patriot genocide. He’s sprayin’ us down with that poison since we wouldn’t inject it ourselves.”

Bug-eyed and shaking, Helmsworth told his facebook fans, “On the one hand, you have to give it to him. I didn’t think he had it in him. On the other hand, I’m prepared. This bunker is hermetically sealed, with ten air scrubbers lined up just for this occasion. I honestly feel bad for you if you think that duct tape on your windows will do anything at all.”

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Joe Rogan “sterile” after taking Ivermectin

Joe Rogan’s family is dealing with the personal tragedy of his infertility.

INTERNET — Doctors report that popular podcaster Joe Rogan is now “permanently and totally infertile,” due to his use of Ivermectin to treat COVID-19.

“I won’t prescribe Ivermectin because the risk to male fertility is too high,” Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said. “It’s not very good for covid, either. Better to have been vaccinated ahead of time, and less risky, too. Or, if it’s too late, we’ve got that fetal stem cell therapy that saved Donald Trump’s life. It’s very powerful, although illegal in Texas.”

Rogan’s wife, Jessica, is heartbroken. “We’re devestated by this. We wanted to have so many more babies. Joe’s doing everything he can. Ice cubes, oysters, but they’re just not working. I just want everyone out there who thinks they can just log onto the internet and think they’re doctors, think again. The risk of Ivermectin is too high.”