Reports from within the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea claim that Kim Jong Il successfully cloned himself sometime in the 80′s using a crude, but effective technique widely available at the time. Kim Jong Un was the only survivor after thousands of failed attempts.
Kim Jong Un is virtually indistinguishable from depictions of Kim Jong Il at the same age, except that he is slightly more overweight. This is, of course, a product of North Korea’s economic successes and in no way a genetic factor.
As reports of the cloning spread throughout North Korea, citizens are wildly celebrating a future of endless military and economic victories thanks to the survival of their now immortal leader.
Western powers fear the nuclear-armed Kim Jong-Un, successor to the great empire of Korea. Unification of Korea will follow shortly, as the world applauds the greatness of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.
Teen idol and Hanna Montana star, Miley Cyrus, announced today that she is two months pregnant with Australian actor Liam Hemsworth’s child. Cyrus held a special press conference in Los Angeles, taking time to emphasize the importance of safe sex and abstinence for teens. When asked by a reporter if her pregnancy was planned, Cyrus said only, “Me and Liam are happy for this unexpected blessing.”
Miley likely succumbed to her baser instincts after using Salvia Divinorum, a legal drug which is known to cause innocent young women to crave sexual intercourse. Numerous reports of Miley’s prolific Salvia use have surfaced in the past, such as this video of her taking a bong rip.
Miley’s father, Billy Ray Cyrus was not present at his daughter’s press conference, and when questioned about his daughter’s pregnancy via Twitter, Cyrus tweeted the following:
Miley’s shocking announcement comes on the heels of an unprecedented move by health secretary, Kathleen Sibelius, banning over the counter sales of the “morning after pill” to girls under the age of 17. For all the young women out there dealing with rampant Salvia abuse and images of “creampies” fetishized by the media, this news is decidedly terrible.
I’m here to chill on a problem that has plagued humanity since the dawn of the Internet: Dating.
Now, there are an unlimited number of ways to date, and many cultures have backward traditions different from our own. But this doesn’t mean it has to be impossible! Perhaps some of us young American men have just forgotten how to hunt.
After decades of studying human behavior, I’ve come up with a short list of do’s and dont’s – and some other shit that is sure to land you the kind of submissive sex object you think you desire. That is, of course, before she backstabs you like a bitch whore, which always happens 100% of the time. Am I right, dudes?
When dating, here are seven things you should definitely do:
1. Repeatedly send her friend requests on Facebook. This demonstrates persistence, showing her you are dedicated and ready for a worthwhile mate. Make status updates that passingly reference her and her interests. Mirror her personality in every way that you can. She will appreciate this.
2. Find out where she hangs out, and go there. Be careful not to approach her right away; instead, take the time to study her habits and personality so you can best approach her successfully.
3. Make joking insults about her in the company of others. She will be impressed with your edgy sense of humor.
4. Once you’re “in,” be as cold and emotionally distant as possible. She will grow to crave your emotional warmth more and more, and you can use this as a “power tool” to control her behavior.
5. Keep a clean apartment. If a woman comes over and sees that it is dirty, her feminine instincts will cause her to resent you because she will assume it is her obligation to clean it. Even though it is, you want to wait till she is completely submissive before allowing her the cleaning duties she naturally desires.
6. Constantly be on the lookout for any clues that might suggest insubordination. All women will naturally want to cheat on you and eventually break up with you. Be prepared for this and stamp it out ahead of time, if you can.
7. It is your job to predict the many unseen forces which are at work. As the relationship finally fails, it may dawn on you that it is your fault for lacking knowledge of her indiscretions. It is never too late to go through her email. Install a keylogger on her computer. This will give you valuable insights into her opinion of you and let you know for sure whether or not she is cheating on you yet.
Is your love interest microwaved or prepared fresh on the stove? Try to avoid doing any of the following while on your first hot date, to keep it from getting cold:
Under NO circumstance should you:
1. Reveal that you are human. This is off-putting and violates a woman’s natural boundaries.
2. Freely voice your opinion. If anything you say is objectionable, the lady twirling her martini across the table from you may shut down, or go into hibernation – and you’ll be stuck paying the full bill without a hope in the world of even touching her breasts.
3. Be quiet. But also try not to talk about yourself. Women just don’t give a fuck. If you can’t think of anything else to say, ask about her obsession with cats. Once she starts flapping her gums, you can zone back out again. Picture yourself playing Minecraft while she babbles on about her meaningless life.
4. Reveal your juvenile hobbies, such as comic books or videogames. This is a glaring signal that you are not yet disconnected from your worthless past. This is known to later cause feelings of tension or guilt in the female mind after she recognizes she is not only destroying you as a human being, but your inner child as well.
5. Let on like you are responsible with money. She will assume you’re poor and unable to buy her luxuries. Luxuries are the only thing women really care about in life, other than cats, so before you reveal even a shade of frugality, consider stealing jewelry and clothing from Macy’s.
6. Take “no” for an answer. This is self-explanatory.
7. Get bitter because you are an unlovable, abusive monster. If she can’t accept you for who you are, then she can GET FUCKED, like the little SLUT she IS.
Be on the lookout for the woman who:
1. Doesn’t eat, abuses serious drugs. This is a sign she needs help. Let somebody else deal with it. She’s probably got AIDS anyway.
2. Has children. She will eventually expect you to adopt it. That’s heavy shit, bro.
3. Wants commitment. You’re a wild eagle, man. And eagles gotta be free.
4. Is vegetarian, vegan, religious, political, or otherwise predisposed to strong beliefs of any kind. Eventually, she will force her beliefs upon you and that just won’t do. This is also a sign of independent thought, which is anathema to a healthy relationship.
5. Is against abortion. Since you never use a condom, she will have to be down with the coat hanger one way or another.
The Chef serves up a piece of toast, cleverly sandwiched between two pieces of untoasted bread. (This image is used without permission)
The Royal Society of Chemistry unveiled a delicious new sandwich, rediscovered from the golden Victorian era. The toast sandwich, a piece of toast between two pieces of untoasted bread, is touted as the cheapest lunch possible. UK residents have celebrated this incredible discovery by throwing lavish toast sandwich parties, as they are finally able to afford to eat a healthy meal full of necessary vitamins and minerals.
Gerard Loffington-Starkley spoke high praise of his new favorite meal, “I fucking love toast sandwiches they taste so fucking good and saved me enough money to finally afford toothpaste. Hopefully in another week my gums will stop bleeding from all this fucking toast I eat at every single meal!”
The Royal Society of Chemistry has offered an extremely generous reward of £200 for anyone who can come up with a cheaper meal. Some have already suggested cutting the toast sandwich to only one piece of bread, but the Royal Society has denied such innovators any reward. Lord of Chemistry, Sir Mitchell Dunkworthington III, said “That doesn’t even count as a different type of sandwich, it’s just the same thing with less bread. No prize.”
Austerity is finally coming full circle for the people of Great Britain, and with ingenious ideas like the toast sandwich, the British empire may finally be seeing a glimmer of hope for the end of this terrible economic collapse.
Hey, what’s up fellow dudes! It’s been a while since we last spoke but I’m clean now, and all my tests have been coming back negative so they said I can do this again.
Let’s get down to business. Your health. I need you to feel this great new idea I came up with. It’s the totally legal and healthy way to get high since pot is still against the law. It’s so simple your mother can do it using materials you’ve already got laying around the house – but it really works!
First, what you wanna do – is you wanna take a few Benadryl allergy capsules – as many as you want – these can’t kill you!
then wash it down with a Red Bull!
Benadryl and Red Bull is like 5 hour energy that makes you feel wrong.
every once in a while check your blood pressure, but really just try not to sweat it
Ignore hunger for youtube for added weight loss benefits.
You’ll wanna save room for medicine which after a short while should become all you really want, anyway!
You’ll feel totally groovy and you’ll swear people like you better too!
It gives you energy and mellows you out, which is perfect for school teachers and safe for children.
Oh, last but not least: Try not to operate heavy machinery unless you’ve had a LOT of pills!
ARE YOU finding yourself with a really good job and money to spend on shit? Get out of that rut with heroin!
Heroin offers all life’s problems one singular solution: heroin addiction. It’s like opium, but better.
Sometimes when you’re feeling low, just lost a job, or failed to abort, you have to do something about your situation. That’s why I, Thadeus Heathcoat, have come to Elf Wax to tell you about a miracle breakthrough in escapism: HEROIN.
Heroin has helped me overcome many problems in my life, and it can help you, too. I’ve dodged responsibility, jury duty, probation hearings, even bullets thanks to my commitment to heroin, and its dedication to me.
Heroin even helps me escape my one last problem, heroin.
“Okay Thadeus, how can I do heroin?”
Whoa! Slow down there, cowboy. You can’t inject heroin if you don’t have any! First you gotta score some junk. No money? No problem! Rob people! Too lazy? Steal from your friends.
With cash in hand, hit up that friend from high school who’s been to jail a few times. Maybe he’s even stolen from you in the past. Don’t hold a grudge; he just needed heroin. And so do you!
After he connects you to the coolest of cool Lebal Drocer Pharmaceutical technicians, ask your friend if he has a needle you can share. If you’re unsure what to cook and stick where, just ask! Friends don’t let friends waste good horse!
Ride the black horse to glory with Lebal Drocer, Incorporated.
Sarah Palin is seen here crossing the US-Canadian border with other Americans
Whitehorse, Canada–Sarah Palin was seen jumping out of a dirty, overloaded pick up truck Tuesday and crossing the Canadian border to steal single-payer Health Care.
Canadian Border Police shot and killed several accomplices to the ex-Governor of Alaska, but failed to deal any lethal damage to Mrs. Palin, who used retarded people as a shield to deflect bullets and public outcry.
Due in part to this story’s inflation by the mainstream media, Canadian officials are now being forced to consider the decision to build a wall extending from coast to coast, to pacify the loudest minority.
Analysts expect the project to be outsourced to illegal immigrants pouring in from America to do the job, further fueling flames of xenophobia.
“We used to hustle over the border for health care we received in Canada,” she said. “And I think now, isn’t that ironic?”
Editor’s note: Governor un-elect Sarah Palin confused irony for hypocricy.
Since Palin recently got a taste of political gain, her opinion of what once was her best source of useful, valuable health care has transformed it into the disease of big government-run death panel waiting rooms of Satan, where even souls are aborted.
Sarl Cagan, Chief of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police told reporters, “As of right now, we believe Sarah Palin is living with between eight and fifteen other border-hoppers in a house without electricity or running water. Sources tell us they’ve seen her selling oranges by the side of the freeway, doing construction on the wall, boycotting schools, and demanding amnesty.”
Sarah Palin is expected to report back to FOX News by the end of this weekend, their spokesperson told The Elf Wax Times, who then added, “assuming Mrs. Palin’s declining intelligence does not get any worse, at which point her brain might catastrophically divide by zero.”
Researchers at Elf Wax Laboratories concluded Tuesday that smoking marijuana leads to feelings of intense euphoria, joy, laughter, even thoughtfulness, but most of all, hunger and laziness.
“Some people may experience contradictions. First the user may find himself getting hungry, but this is immediately overcome by a sweeping sense of apathy,” said leading Elf Wax Medical Doctor Langstrom T. Armstrong. Apathy toward one’s body is what cancer researchers hope will push medical marijuana use into the mainstream but for now, he said marijuana serves only to atrophy muscles away in front of a hockey game on XBOX 360 through a two-pronged effect that also includes “not eating because you spent all your money on weed and Mountain Dew.”
Kerri Holt does her part in the War on Drugs and appears to be winning.
“I’ve been smoking weed five times a day for three consecutive years,” said one marijuana user who wished to remain anonymous, “and I have only been having mild strokes and liver failure, although that is because I also drink all day every day and eat Vicoden for breakfast. Pot is safer than most people think and for those of you who say it’s a gateway drug, I have one thing to say to you: I drink because my dad used to beat me.”
Most users report a feeling of euphoria while others describe episodes of panic and terror immediately following marijuana use. Anxiety, Dr. Armstrong said, is your mind trying to tell your body that something’s wrong. If one can successfully shut off all thoughts originating from the logic center of the brain, as most women inherently can, then a person may truly begin to bottle up feelings of insecurity, aggression and rage that under normal circumstances might be directed toward the corporate-sponsored military-industrial complex, and that user can then turn those negative feelings inward on themselves. NIDA’s (National Institute on Drug Abuse) website advises people to “Take a deep breath and embrace this opportunity to hate yourself.”
Marijuana is a popular tool for the U.S. Government to control the minds of free-thinkers. By keeping the drug illegal, they satisfy the interests of pharmaceutical companies who could not compete with marijuana and they delude the public into believing smoking reefer is a means of actualizing the mind’s often-dormant potential they do not want you to have access to. Its true effects include the right combination of apathy, disinterest, emotional desensitization, and illusory transient understanding of the forces that guide us to allow the shadow government to act in darkness, along their pre-determined circuits through the blind spots of our knowledge. Also, it goes without saying that many people who smoke grass believe the act alone of getting high is a rebellion in and of itself and their hat is now in the political arena; stickers are going out on all future election days with the slogan “I stayed home and got high!” printed on it as opposed to “I voted!” “It means the same fucking thing,” a sticker-girl told reporters around the Tabernacle Church voting booths.
"I fuckin' hate the government, man. So I smoke weed and just try to forget about it." - Some white guy with dreadlocks
In addition to marijuana, our correspondent said bumper stickers and Facebook groups are also on the rise, among other types of “armchair activism” that includes signing online petitions and forwarding emails. “People aren’t just smoking weed to get nothing done. They’re also sitting around watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond, eating at McDonald’s and refreshing on average five to eleven FOX-news-related twitter pages per day.”
I’m just so glad all those annoying anti-war protesters in the streets in Washington finally have a place to go,” said housewife Maude Davis, 73. “Now the only protesters you ever hear about are those religious types, and I like them because they stand up for the sanctity of life.”
The War on Drugs is not over yet, for as long as Nature has something to offer, the government will be there to regulate it. New laws are coming this Spring to a local law enforcement agency near you. Stay tuned for tips on how to think, live and feel.
Today, 11 people died when a local McDonald’s announced a new item on their Dollar menu. The sandwich promised to contain so much grease and sugar, you were guaranteed a doctor’s visit redeemable with an official voucher printed and attached to every receipt.
While people continue to kill themselves from the inside out by eating McDonald’s hamgurgers, on Friday, brutal tramplings killed three children and an elderly couple, among six other victims whose remains have been sent to RPD for identification.
Officer Hindenson told reporters this afternoon, “The police are ready to hand out a killer slap on the wrist,” to those involved in Friday’s stomping-related deaths.
“We just want to see justice brought to the guilty few who halted the restaurant’s flow of business on the busiest second shift of the week,” said Officer Hendenson. “We deeply regret that these reckless, dying persons saw it fit to lay in the doorway and die while hundreds of hungry patrons impatiently waited outside.”
“All they wanted to do was give McDonald’s money.”
-State-appointed attorney for McDonald’s victims
Hendenson indicated that since the perpetrators in the slayings are now dead, claims may have to be filed against their families.
McDonald’s lawyers were not immediately available for comment, but experts say the company stands to gain roughly $6.7 billion paid in reparations by the survivors.
The coke-addled state-appointed attorney defending the dead victims of what the media is calling the “Fries Eleven” tragedy released a troubling statement to reporters earlier this afternoon. It reads:
Now take one minute, if you will, a moment of silence; a moment of prayer; for the friends and family members of the employees and manager on duty. Let’s pray that they get their shit together, and are not too freaked out by all those customers dying.
We need them to pull it together for the big win on Saturday, when returning patrons, newly-addicted to the McGrease, return in droves among fresh customers to create what is expected to be the most powerful surge of fast food patronage the United States has seen since the toxic release of the formidable Happy Meal in the early 1980s.
“When the Happy Meal came out, there were slayings. Savage, shameful mutilations of human beings the likes of which the Manson Family could never have dreamed of,” said Officer Hendinson, gleefully.
“We’re hoping we won’t have to release the hounds, but we have entire squads of men stationed in and around every McDonald’s between here and Henrico County. They are armed with mace, riot batons, rape-sticks, and caustic battery acid rounds. They’re non-lethal, of course. We have everything under control.”
To find follow-ups to this rapidly-developing story, check our Twitter account and shit like that.
Springfield, Ill.–A cat has contracted the H1N1 virus, better known as “swine flu.” The local veterinarian said it probably caught it from a human family member.
Dr. Ann Garvey, Iowa Department of Public Health Veterinarian, said cats trade influenza with humans, and this can be expected. But was it?
According to Elf Wax Health Expert, Dr. Langstrom T. Armstrong, Cat Flu is a dangerous mutation of the Swine Flu that doubles in strength following its rebound off the stout feline immune system.
“The Cat Flu, or Pussy Cold – or Cold Pussy, as we like to call it here at The Times, is not as funny as its name implies,” he said. “Cat Flu symptoms are much more damaging than the H1N1 virus from which it mutated. It begins by attacking the brain’s frontal lobe, compromising one’s sense of loyalty.
“People may turn on each other, become distant, live on the fringes, and develop disloyal instincts. My girlfriend contracted cat flu and that bitch can die one thousand deaths in Hell. If you notice these symptoms in your friends or family, tell a government official right away. They will be quarantined, and if need be, incinerated to ensure the disease can not spread,” Dr. Armstrong advised.
Dr. Armstrong went on to warn that anyone suspected of carrying cat flu should be de-clawed and left in the woods where they are to be abandoned physically, intellectually and emotionally. “The bitch of it,” Dr. Asrmstong said, “Is you gotta disconnect yourself in every way from a person with cat flu so when we incinerate ‘em it doesn’t hurt you so bad.”
“Really, incineration is the thing.”
ELF WAX UPDATE:
PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA HAS ORDERED THE MASS QUARANTINE OF ANY AND ALL U.S. CITIZENS WHO ARE POTENTIALLY CARRYING THE DISEASE TO BE ROUNDED UP AND PUT INTO CAMPS. IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW HAS CAT FLU, REPORT THEM TO THE FBI IMMEDIATELY, OR ELSE FACE THE CONSEQUENCES OF BEING LABELED A DOMESTIC BIOLOGICAL TERRORIST FOR AIDING IN THE POISONING AND DESTRUCTION OF HOMELAND SECURITY. DO NOT SLEEP, AMERICA.
This just in:
CAT FLU IS RAMPANT. S.O.S. SEND HELP IMMEDIATELY. THE TIMES OFFICE
IS BEING OVERRUN BY ZOMBIE-EYED CAT PEOPLE. ABANDON ALL HOPE.
COLLAPSE IMMINENT. MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON OUR SOULS.