CTHONOS, Pelopponesia — On the border of the Earth’s mantle and crust, NASA astrobiologists have discovered a civilization of beings that challenge both our conception of ‘life’ and of ‘intelligence.’ These beings, which defy all taxonomy, are fist-sized nodes of rapidly regenerating proteins that have only been observed in their natural environment, deep in the Earth’s crust. Each fist-sized “nodian,” as these creatures have been dubbed, appears to be as complex as the human brain at any given moment but changes its morphology so rapidly that scientists believe “nodians” are most likely far more complex.
The conditions where “nodians” survive are believed to be very common, and Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, leader of the Florida State University expedition, explained, “There is no doubt that the “nodians” are displaying signs of culture and specialization. By a very conservative estimate, their should be at least 50 billion “nodian” individuals, and we would be foolish to forget the numerous sightings of UFOs entering and exiting volcanoes, as well as USOs, which may enter and exit the crust through fissures in the sea floor.”
Actual Video Evidence of “Nodians” Entering and Exiting the Earth’s Crust:
William Binney, former NSA analyst, sits in the offices of Democracy Now! in New York City during a 2012 discussion about the federal government and their access to citizens’ private information. (Jacob Applebaum / Wikimedia Commons)
It’s been a frightening few weeks for journalists concerned with protecting their sources—and for Americans concerned with protecting their privacy. On May 13, the Associated Press revealed that the Justice Department secretly obtained two months of reporters’ call logs. Citing the Espionage Act, which prohibits the disclosure of classified information, the Justice Department had subpoenaed Verizon Wireless for the call logs of more than 20 AP phone lines. Within a week The Washington Post reported that in 2010 the DOJ had subpoenaed emails from Fox News’ chief Washington correspondent James Rosen’s personal Gmail, also with the motive of prosecuting leakers.
The revelations have caused a furor over whether national security interests should trump civil liberties. AP President and CEO Gary Pruitt called the DOJ surveillance an “unprecedented intrusion.” Michael Clemente, Fox News executive vice president of news, released a statement calling the DOJ’s surveillance of Rosen “chilling” and an “outrage.” He wrote, “We will unequivocally defend [Rosen's] right to operate as a member of what up until now has always been a free press.”
And a Pew survey showed a plurality of voters, 44 percent, disapproved of the DOJ obtaining AP phone records. Thirty-six percent, on the other hand, approved of the department’s obtaining the records.
What’s been largely overlooked, however, is that, subpoenaed call logs aside, the government may be recording your actual phone calls. And your emails. And all that data may be a mouse click, not a subpoena, away.
Kim Dotcom has faced illegal surveillance by the New Zealand government and now faces extradition to the United States. (Photo: Wikipedia)
Eccentric German-Finnish billionaire Kim Dotcom and his attorneys fired back at federal prosecutors Wednesday by accusing them, alongside other domestic authorities, of conspiracy to “deprive defendants of their presumption of innocence.” Dotcom is currently fighting attempts to extradite him from his haven in New Zealand, where he has faced illegal surveillance from that government, in addition to the charges of mass copyright violation that motivated the surveillance. According to his indictment by the United States last year, Dotcom’s former media-sharing website Megaupload was at some points responsible for 4 percent of all Internet traffic.
Dotcom’s lawyers wrote Wednesday, “[T]he outside motivating factor in this case stems from Motion Picture Association of America’s (erroneous) view of Megaupload as “the very top of the piracy pyramid,” coupled with the current Administration’s desire to placate an association whose members, as a group, are some of the Democratic Party’s strongest political supporters and most generous campaign contributors.”
Haters rejoiced late Easter Sunday, as a plot was devised to devour and destroy the illustrious and mighty Internet Chronicle. The plan was hatched on an encrypted video chat platform that only hackers use, called “TinyChat“. We managed to grab a few logs from the encrypted chat, but they were using what we believe may be the SHA-1 hash function so we could only decrypt parts of it.
The hack was done by the great and knowledgeable Hack Forums Hero known as f0rsaken aka hoic aka @itsd00m. He is well versed in social engineering trickery, such as jacking amazon accounts and some say he may have a “botnet,” but these are simply unconfirmed allegations.
While the deface was rather gauche, it did provide clear dox of all Chronicle.su employees and their families, while giving a nod to the great John Thiessen, aka Ron Brynaert. “#hatesec” was plastered all over the site, which seems to be a new hacking group with more skills than Dan Kaminsky, as they poisoned the Chronicles DNS and rerouted all traffic to 9gag, all the while maintaining root and mining information to SWAT people with.
As you can see, the critical infrastructure of the site is completely crippled and our lives are all over.
WASHINGTON — The Internet Chronicle has obtained footage of classification authorities discussing the classification process and allegations of overclassification. Early this month the national intelligence director counsel, Robert Litt, and a former director of the Information Security Oversight Office, J. William Leonard, took questions from attendees of a Brennan Center forum on secrecy and security.
Leonard pointed out that Obama administration officials had been instructed not to discuss the CIA’s targeted assassination program. That statement at the forum by Leonard, who served from 2002 to 2007, was in line with what former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told MSNBC’s last month. Then Gibbs said that his own vetting process had included that instruction that he was “not even to acknowledge the drone program.”
“[W]hen the principal architect of that program,” said Litt on March 14, “goes before Congress in order to be confirmed as a director of the Central Intelligence Agency, he then makes the observation that, ‘yeah, maybe it’s a good idea to debate these things in public.’”
But, said Leonard, Brennan’s call for transparency about the CIA’s drone came too late. Leonard said that when the government unleashes any and all violence upon an individual, the American public must be informed.
Our next snippet of footage comes in the Q-and-A, when an attorney rose to ask the national intelligence director’s own lawyer about the nature of alleged retroactive classification. This analyst cannot be sure of her client list, but the cases she mentions seems evocative of that of whistleblower Thomas Drake. Leonard has been altogether sympathetic to his plight.
The incidence of retroactive classification has for years heightened concerns among activists and whistleblowers that classification could be used for professional retribution — not, to wit, safeguarding the American people.
Executive Order 13526, from 2009, is intended to prohibit overclassification, and the questioner references its matter. (Specifically, she alludes to Section 5.5(b)(2), which offers “sanctions” for overclassification.) What stood out in the hundreds of thousands of State Department cables leaked by Bradley Manning is not the career-ending content but rather the arbitrary level of secrecy present. Said Litt at a later point in the forum (see video below), “My experience is that there’s very little conscious abuse of the classification process. What there is, is a set of incentives that lead people to apply the rules in a way that leans towards classification.”
The questioner said that her clients, “after their [books have] gone through pre-publication review,” had been told they stepped over the line with disclosures.
When another questioner complained that White House Office of Legal Counsel (OLC) had not been adequately transparent on the use of drones, against foreign nationals and potentially citizens alike, Robert Litt was dismissive.
There is a “long history of Congress,” said Litt, “claiming they’re not getting information from the executive branch.” Indeed at a March 6 Senate Judiciary Committee hearing, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Ca.), also of Senate Select Intelligence, expressed misgivings that the Judiciary Committee could not see the executive branch’s legal rationale for the use of drones, abroad or potentially at home.
“[A]ny suggestion,” said Litt this month at the Brennan Center, “that the [House and Senate] Intelligence Committees did not understand the legal basis for the targeted killing program is wrong,” adding that they “were fully briefed on and fully informed of the reason” for drone use.
The legislative branch’s increased demands — climaxing with a day of filibuster by Kentucky Sen. Ran Paul (R) — and the executive branch’s recalcitrance, said Litt, amounts to a “creative tension,” adding, “No amount of reforms that we do will solve that problem.”
INTERNET — Investigators at Chronicle.SU have repeatedly and accurately d0xed th3j35t3r, famed Republican ex-Marine hacker who in fact is a close group of “private contractors” paid for and created by a black-ops Air Force project. However, because of their privileged position, these criminal elements within the military have been given free reign to debase and attack this glorious and infallible publication in an illegal and pernicious affront to the United Soviet Socialist Republic’s sovereignty and the Dignity of the Proletariat.
Sunrise in Jesterland. Don’t log in, or you’ll be infected with th3j35t3r’s botnet like hundreds of thousands of retired people.
Recently faced with serious allegations of “mining” for preteen children with his Minecraft server, Jesterland, th3j35t3r has launched a campaign of hate against John Tiessen, who is a twice-convicted sex offender and rapist according to documents posted by th3j35t3r. In the past, Tiessen has directed similar accusations at Chronicle.SU editors, ethical hacking instructors, pro-freedom conservative blogger Robert Stacy McCain, Anonymous spokesperson Barrett Brown, and Dead Kennedys frontman Jello Biafra.
Tiessen’s unsubstantiated pedophile accusations “went viral,” causing uproar in the “mommyblogging” community. Rallying to Tiessen’s cry, members of the “Moms Against Jester” group forced House members to call for an investigation into th3j35t3r’s Minecraft server. This investigation revealed that th3j35t3r was not a pedophile, as John Tiessen has repeatedly admitted, but it did find that th3j35t3r had illegally attacked Chronicle.SU sovereign Web servers with the use of a botnet of 300,000 infected computers hijacked from thousands of American nursing homes and hospices.
Outed members of th3j35t3r group Tom Ryan, Neal Rauhauser, Ronald Bryn, and Kelly Hallissey were arrested for ownership of a botnet and Lebal Drocer’s legal team filed a civil suit seeking $3 billion in damages.
Sakawa relies on Juju priests who often cast curses and charge terrible prices for their blessing.
Have your earnings from Sakawa gone dry? Has your Juju shaman failed once again? Are you tired of blood sacrifice, risky rituals, and constantly jumping between Juju priests? Don’t be turned into a dog or found dead from AIDs because of bad Juju! Seek the help of Lord Inglip, greatest digital shaman who presides over the entire Internet and can ensure your Sakawa will bring only the greatest of rewards.
You might be thinking, “Why trust the Internet to Juju? Is this magic real?” This is an understandable objection, but let’s face it: Sakawa mostly takes place on the Internet. While appeasing the gods of the physical world will help with Sakawa success, these gods are inexperienced with bringing blessing to the Internet, which is an entirely new realm. Only Inglip was born inside the Internet, and only a sacred few prophets and holy men know how to appease his hunger. When Inglip is hungry, all the Sakawa in the world will not bring you money–he eats all your profits!
Luckily, you’ve found the secret that has brought so many Sakawa practitioners the greatest wealth imaginable. The holy men who make sacrifice to Inglip will help you gain riches for a very small price, and send you a token proving the ritual’s success–as well as instructing you on how to best please and appease Lord Inglip, keeping your Sakawa profits skyrocketing.
The best part of making sacrifice to Lord Inglip is the minimal risk involved. No one has ever been diseased or harmed from crossing Inglip; however, at his most wrathful Inglip has been known to destroy computers. Because Inglip only lives inside the Internet, he is only capable of harming computers and not people. However, our priests know Inglip fairly well and can inform you of most activities that will anger him, and your computer should not be at risk.
You can contact Inglip’s high priest by email at email@example.com or on Twitter @kilgoar. We understand that your Sakawa has not been paying well lately, so we only ask a very small price to cover the expenses in making the sacrifice to Inglip. Advice on keeping Inglip pleased will be provided free of charge, making repeated sacrifices to Inglip less necessary.
Cambria Suites at 2pm on March 2nd, “Trick” did not show up to defend himself from the haters.
ROANOKE, VA–Saturday, Chronicle.SU reporters were at Cambria Suites for Patrick “Trick” Shouse’s press conference, but “Trick” was nowhere to be seen. “Trick” was to address haters and explain himself after his “Tattoo Marathon” Facebook event upset local Tattoo enthusiasts. After inquiring with the front desk, we learned no such event had been scheduled.
Since Thursday, when news broke “Trick” was hosting a “Tattoo Party” in his hotel room, tattoo fans across America and Canada have commented on Shouse’s poor work and the unsanitary conditions of his apartment. Addison Shouse, Patrick’s identical twin, has been acting as spokesperson and posting threats of violence to Facebook in a vain attempt to put an end to criticism of “Trick.” However, Trolling analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said this was just like throwing gasoline onto a fire, “Talking shit on Facebook proves you can’t back your shit up, so it really just excites the trolls.”
Addison Shouse has become totally unhinged, threatening violence at anything that moves.
Patrick “Trick” Shouse’s identical twin posts alleged fines, eviction, and warrants.
Addison posted an image of several documents taped to the front door of his apartment, allegedly representing an eviction, a fine from the health department, other code violations, and a summons to court. While it is not clear whether these are legitimate documents or not, one commenter who claims he reported the incidents to the Shouses’ landlord said the eviction was already pending due to non-payment.
It remains unclear what will happen next, but the Shouse brothers seem upbeat and ready to “bone it to LA” so they can start their lives over in peace. At one point, Addison Shouse attempted to play the Tattoo Marathon off as a joke, but in the very same thread Trick’s Baby’s Momma made it clear that this had indeed become a very unfunny custody issue. Addison’s girlfriend has been publicly supportive, but after facing criticism aimed at her motherhood, she has since changed her sexy facebook avatar over to a more conservative and motherly portrayal of her cradling her sweet baby. She also quoted many bible verses, despite claiming to not be a Christian.
ROANOKE, VA–Patrick “Trick” Shouse, the newest tattoo artist in Roanoke, is hosting a “Tattoo Marathon” at Ruxton Condos on Colonial Avenue this weekend in order to build up his portfolio and spread both AIDS and Hepatitis to as many local residents as possible. The event is advertised as tax and license free, which is why Shouse is able to charge only $20 per tattoo.
Shouse appeared in the following video which was used to advertise the tattoo party, mere minutes after purchasing his first tattoo kit.
Local tattoo fans stormed the Facebook page for this event, teasing Trick, who quickly became enraged and said, “Your [sic] stoners with caveman tools ripping people off,” despite the fact that he brazenly and openly vaporized marijuana while tattooing his ankle, possibly contaminating himself with deadly MRSA.
Despite the haters, Trick was able to afford a Master Suite at the local Cambria Suites, which had a “bangin” view of the Roanoke Star. A small pile of one and five dollar bills in the video attest to the fact that this extravagance only almost depleted Trick’s fat stacks.
Shouse and his twin brother scheduled a second event to address haters at Cambria Suites this Saturday at 2pm. Shouse can be reached at 540-425-0808 if you would like to schedule an appointment.
Investigators have found Shouse was recently released from a stint in jail, after being arrested for sharing videos of his graffiti career on YouTube.
INTERNET — Early Monday morning, the loosely knit collective of teenagers known as Anonymous was able to string together enough sentences to “kinda” make a press release for one of their greatest achievements since not hacking Stratfor: Releasing the data of Bank of America defense contractor, TEKSystems.
AnonForecast, current leader of the Legion sector of Anonymous, is likely the one who carried out this operation, considering everything revolves around him somehow.
The release comes as a shock to the intelligence hacker and activist communities alike, as we begin to peel back the layers and realize that everything posted on a Pastebin or tweeted is, in fact, true. Shockingly enough, it’s quite possible that everything ever posted on the internet could be true, says fabled neck-beard Richard Stallman, “We are at time where information has become so compressed, so fluid, like the thoughts of a child, the flap of a butterflies wings or the ripples in still water, that it’s impossible to write anything fallacious on the internet.”
As we all know, Stallman, in recent years, began developing his own religion on his completely open-source laptop made by Chinese children, so he cannot be lying.
Josh the God just doesn’t give a fuck.
Hosted on Anonymous’ very own leak platform Par-AnoiA.net, the dump has a list of keywords that one could only assume are used by TEKSystems’ advanced spider bot detection system. Many activists were elated to find their names embedded in the list, most notably: megalomaniac hacker Jacob Appelbaum. He waxed Monday, amid defamatory shouts calling him a plagiarist and phony: “This is something I would have never expected, citizens spying upon citizens. The panopticon grows, but I’m glad I got name-dropped.”
While the leak is riddled with irrefutable truths, one group in particular is doxed turbo hard from information gleaned from Pastebin: UGNazi. Fabled hacker, carder and Nazi @JoshTheGod is named as Josh Mendez, a.k.a. Blake Bronstad, which we all know as true considering he was arrested in 2012 under the obvious alias “Mir Islam.”
Stratfor isn’t the only private contractor news publication on lots and lots of Xanex.
Cosmo is also named in the Pastebin, which of course is correct, because who’s to argue since his name was never released to the public due to his minor status.
In their teaser file, Anonymous highlights some really fantastic nostalgia that reminds us all about the days of yore, when people said “lulz” and HBGary took to the IRCs to stick it to Anonymous. This lovely, readable word salad would make Aaron Barr’s hiking boots swelter, as if his loins were moistening at the sight of “t-asshurtmacfags” breasts.
Noted activist, speed walker and writer Kenneth Lipp gets fingered as the great @Jackal[Anon], a.k.a. @YourAnonNews, the ringleader of Anonymous. How can one confirm this? Simply visit the Wikipedia rival site encyclopediadramatica.se’s entry on JackalAnon and see for yourself. Confirmed.
All in all, this release is nothing more than the Stratfor leak on a handful of xannie bars. However it does highlight the accuracies of what one could only identify as the greatest intelligence source of all time: Pastebin.