North Korea grants asylum for Snowden

Hackers around the world have been searching for a home for their wayward comrade, Edward Snowden. Finally, it seems, they have settled on North Korea.

Hackers around the world have been searching for a home for their wayward comrade, Edward Snowden. Finally, it seems, they have settled on North Korea.

SEOUL, Republic of Korea – In response to a formal application for asylum on behalf of Edward Snowden, Kim Jong-un issued a statement offering the whistleblower not just asylum, but full North Korean citizenship. Snowden and his entourage, staffed mostly by WikiLeaks employees, were ecstatic at the news of a safe haven after 14 other countries had denied their applications.

“The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea promises to allow Edward Snowden to continue to leak anything he wants. We will provide him with many of the best top-secret hacking tools available in North Korea,” said a representative from the North Korean military.

“We are just so relieved that Snowden has finally found friendly shores,” said Glen Greenwild, the reporter who famously interviewed Edward Snowden in a Hong Kong hotel.

Snowden issued a statement written in Spanish, thanking North Korea for their commitment to freedom.

Hide From Yourself In One of Nine Beautiful Hong Kong Locations

Political Asylum Hong Kong Hidey Hole

Slowly accept the inevitable in a plush Lebal Drocer suite.

You are God.

You control the world, the grass, dirt and the Heavens. You spin the galaxies, and drive them apart with an as-yet-unexplained force known only to men as “dark matter.”

Managing creation can tucker out even the most vengeful of Gods, so spend your 7th day at Hong Kong’s famous Wealthy Political Asylum Getaway – a modern-day hacker’s paradise complete with VPNs and a direct line to Xi Jinping for disclosing national secrets as soon as they’re discovered.

The Wealthy Political Asylum Getaway has serviced such legendary political dissidents as Vic LivingstonCommander X, th3j35t3r, John Tiessen and media darling Edward Snowden.

Tired Gods of this world need a place to hide away, collect themselves, and distribute child porn.

The NSA knows where you stay. Do you think you can get out in time?

This message has been brought to you generously by Lebal Drocer, Inc. We own Wealthy Political Asylum Getaway Hotel Resorts & Casinos, and have used our monetary power to gain access to private information, your most sacred data, things you thought we would never know about, and we did it all – thanks to our friends at the NSA – just for you. Because we care. That’s the Lebal Drocer Promise™.

Battle Stations!

Plato said that a city driven by luxuries was fevered, and in a state of Eternal War the entire planet is overrun by Jungles as Carbon Dioxide and Global Warming alter the climate and lead to mass-famines in every city except on small islands. Repeated Nuclear Detonations release just enough ash to partially cancel the global warming, ironically becoming the only reason life on Earth can possibly survive.

Plato said that a city driven by luxuries was fevered, and in a state of Eternal War the entire planet is overrun by Jungles as Carbon Dioxide and Global Warming alter the climate and lead to mass-famines in every city except on small islands. Repeated Nuclear Detonations release just enough ash to partially cancel the global warming, ironically becoming the only reason life on Earth can possibly survive.

FROM WITHIN PRISM’S PANOTPIC GAZE — The Empire Has No Clothes, and the Revolution draws ever nearer, just as me and all my friends on Twitter have always agreed. It’s so close I can taste it.

As the Panopticon’s Black Iron Prison encloses the planet Earth from a panoply of hateful Imperial powers — America, China, and every tinpot dictator in each patsy state on the planet, We, The People of the Internet have been busy plotting the perfect and most intellectual plans for the New World Order, which also happens to be the thing conspiracy theorists like me fear most. I’ve done tremendous research on this problem, and have logged untold thousands of hours on many different versions of Sid Meyer’s Civilization series.

The New World Order is a horror, of course, unless you happen to believe in Reparations for all Blacks in America, Gay Marriage, Legal Marijuana, Maximum Salaries, and Maximum Work Weeks. You want some hope? I’ll throw that in, but you’ve got to send me bitcoins.

That’s right! No one in America (Or our patsy semi-colonies!) will EVER work more than 20 hours a week. It’s a bitch when all these RedBoxes, McBoxes, and Combine Harvesters take the jobs of all our illegal immigrants and we have to start paying for their healthcare. But not anymore! No, No! We will have enough jobs even for the freeloaders and the tramps, and people will still be able to become unbelievably filthy fucking rich with a maximum yearly income of 5 million dollars. Sure, some people might say I want to unfairly tax the everliving shit out of those who bring in billions, but I don’t see it that way. They made it all on your dime! Think about it, we’ve been investing tax money into computers and robots for a hundred years in order to fight for freedom and defeat the Nazi Scum. We SHOULD be living in a Techno Utopia with Robots doing Everything! To HELL with Nazi-sympathizing billionaires who think that THEY should get ALL profit off of The Only God Damned GOOD war we’ve fought in a long time. We’re gonna invest it in robots, motherfucker! If you Vote for ME as president of the New World Order, which will surely follow the oncoming Revolution (I believe it was instigated by the Chinese! They’ve taken Snowden into their grips, and I’m afraid it’s too late for Obama. (We can’t fall into the grips of China. Trust me, I would prefer Prism to the Great FireWall ANY DAY.))

FEMA CAMPS ACTIVATE AS MILITIA GROUPS ASSEMBLE IN WAKE OF NSA SURVEILLANCE DEBACLE

Armed militia groups have assembled in public spaces around the nation in response to totalitarian government surveillance.

Armed militia groups have assembled in public spaces around the nation in response to totalitarian government surveillance.

WASHINGTON – Floods of concerned citizens around the nation are reporting the same chilling story: Convoys of military and paramilitary forces are arriving at Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) camps, which are capable of indefinitely interning a large proportion of American citizens. Militia groups have reportedly assembled in downtown Grand Rapids, N.D., at the Citadel patriot community in Benewah County, Idaho, and at least a hundred public spaces across the nation. Hundreds of protesters have gathered outside of the entrance to the access road leading to the deep-underground FEMA Mount Weather Emergency Operations Center. It is unclear whether this is a response to activation of FEMA camps, or if the FEMA camps activated in response to the assembly of these militias, who are likening themselves to an armed Occupy movement.

A spokesperson for the OccupyMilitia, as the spontaneous militarized protest movement has been dubbed, said, “We don’t want death or violence. We just want an end to totalitarian Internet surveillance, and we know from watching the Occupy protests that we need to be armed if we want to be heard.”

Citizens around the nation wait with bated breath as the inevitable conflict approaches, and for some the story has become too much to handle.

“We’ve had several suicides related to this NSA wiretap story,” said Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of Mercy Hospital in Cuthbert, Ga. “More are coming in by the hour as these FEMA stories spread. People are certain they will soon be sent to their death in these camps, especially those who already believe Obama is the Antichrist.”

Anonymous infiltrates PRISM, intercepts Obama’s Skype

An Anonymous spokesperson claimed to have hacked Obama's Skype by gaining access to PRISM

An Anonymous spokesperson claimed to have hacked Obama’s Skype by gaining access to PRISM

INTERNET — Anonymous hackers claimed to have infiltrated PRISM’s network infrastructure after gaining access to the graphical user interface which was intended only for use by federal agents in cases of terrorism. Because the PRISM system has access to a log of all Internet phone calls (voIP via Skype, Google, etc.) and video chats, Anonymous vigilante intelligence researchers quickly unearthed evidence of high-level collusion between corporate executives and government officials. “We have access to President Obama’s Skype,” said a spokesperson for Anonymous, “and we’re only afraid it’s too absurd to be true.”

Anonymous will not comment on details of the leak until the information has been confirmed and verified. This time, Anonymous is seeking input from government sources so that their final release will be seen by the public as an even-handed nonpartisan attempt at uncovering the truth. “We want to know the government’s point of view simply because it will help us build a more complete view of what’s really going on. Even clever lies, denials, and evasion help us in our pursuit of truth.  We won’t release the information until we’ve run it all over with several officials and received a frank appraisal of its context.”

President Obama has scheduled a press conference for Monday, and the White House has already released a statement condemning Anonymous. “The sad irony is that PRISM doesn’t even exist, but because of hacks like these we need something like it,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “We will not cooperate with terrorists on any level, and we refuse to comment on illegally obtained confidential information.”

Despite such polemic rhetoric, the general consensus of Anonymous is that truth is still of the utmost importance. “The White House can’t order all 20 million of its employees around. Someone will always talk to us, and help us understand the truth behind these troubling but somewhat ambiguous conversations and other communications. All your PRISM are belong to us, and it’s going to be this way for as long as something like PRISM exists.”

NSA Surveillance Network shows Emergent Intelligence

Nuclear powered reaper drone

For to this fearful mind, surely, all our science and art are but chemical processes signifying nothing of our subjective state.

SINGULARITY, Tex. — Wednesday night, it was revealed that the NSA has nearly achieved a limited omniscient point of view over the planet Earth through extra-constitutional top-secret wiretapping of all major communications hubs. The Obama administration responded Thursday morning, defending this capability as necessary in America’s ongoing struggle against terrorists. Earlier this year, a leaked document revealed the omnipotence of the Pentagon, which has been granted the power to kill any human being in any part of the globe, effectively giving the Military Industrial Complex de facto sovereignty over the planet.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, Emergence Theorist, has declared that the conjunction of near-omniscience and near-omnipotence in such an entity heralds the coming of the so-called Singularity.

“Because of our limited point of view and our arrogance,” he said, via taped phone conversation,  “we are like brain cells that believe they can understand the whole brain. The Singularity has passed by unnoticed even by those who have long predicted it. It was the emergence of such large ‘wholes’ as nations and corporations which allowed for the formation of this planetary ‘whole’. This is much bigger than overgrown and corrupt government practices, or mere collusion with corporations. These large powers have coalesced into a singular entity, which not only strides the planet with unmitigated force, but also sees, or can see, a great body of sense data that has very few practical limits. Perhaps it cannot recognize its Self, yet it has found cohesion — cohesion borne out of a single-minded fear of terrorism. Few individuals seem to be able to come to grips with the astonishing implications, for on the human level such power seems monstrous. Have we invented a near-God, which we are now obliged to worship at the threat of instant death by drone? Will we now look back at Atheism and Rationalism as an innocent age before the birth of such a mind as this? For to this mind, surely, all our science and art are but chemical processes signifying nothing of our subjective state.”

 

#GropeCrew “trolls” A-Kon Anime Convention

#GropeCrew has highlighted the tense and predatory sexual atmosphere at Nerd Conventions.

#GropeCrew has highlighted the tense and predatory sexual atmosphere at Nerd Conventions.

DALLAS — A group of dedicated trolls have taken to the Twitter hashtag #GropeCrew, expressing their desire to fondle women in skimpy anime costumes at the A-Kon anime convention. Sexual harassment and assault at similar conventions has been a topic of recent outrage and discussion, and some conventions like DEF CON have gone as far as issuing “yellow cards” as warnings to harassers.

These types of conventions are a haunting ground of sex-deprived nerds, who swarm in the thousands to meet so-called “booth babes,” or hypersexualized women in costumes who inhabit the dangerous intersection between childish sexual fantasies and anime fandom. Groping, harassment and even sexual assault are extremely common at conventions like A-Kon; and despite the tongue-in-cheek tone of #GropeCrew, the targeting of specific booth babes has hit a raw nerve.

“I’m tired of being eye-raped by teenage nerds every time I dress up as a sexy cartoon character,” said one anonymous booth babe. “I’m thinking of sitting out the next convention. This year has been a paranoid nightmare since the Grope Crew tweeted my picture.”

Supporters of the #GropeCrew say that they’re merely highlighting a problem that needs to be addressed, while most others seem to believe the atmosphere of sexual conflict at the A-Kon convention has only become more negatively charged because of their antics.

Police with Stun Batons Calm 3,000 Selfish Nike Workers Seeking “Fair Pay”

Underpaid Labor - Just Do ItPHNOM PENH, Cambodia - At least 23 slave laborers were disciplined with cattle prods Monday when Cambodian police were called in to end a pay protest at a Nike sweatshop.

Police with riot gear were deployed to move about 3,000 female workers who had blocked a road leading to the factory.

Nike, along with corporations such as H&M, Walmart and Forever 21, have been criticized for moving plant locations when the cost of local exploitation became too high for shrewd and careful shareholders.

Plants might leave a country because its weak government cannot withstand the social pressures of a nationwide call for minimum wage hikes. When a worker stands to make $88 per month making thousands of pairs of $100 Nikes per day, and the government is no longer able to accept bribes from the corporations to halt social progress, the factories move out.

Look, I know you news writers wanna help, but these people aren’t like you and me. They’re used to being treated like shit.

“These dumbass slaves who think they can squeeze more than they deserve out of their corporate masters are gonna be sorry once they finally run ‘em out of here,” said Raleigh Saker, Lebal Drocer spokesperson. “Who’s gonna feed ya gruel then?  Fuckin’ savages.” Saker admitted he questions why his company chose Cambodia in the first place: “Look, they don’t even wear shoes. You think they know anything about sewing them?”

Eighty-eight dollars, Saker said, is “absurdly high” for people living in corrugated sheet metal housing with dirt floors.

“It’s lavish,” he said. “They won’t know what to do with all that money. They might could even hurt themselves. It’s for their own good, really.”

In other news, a ceiling collapsed on several Cambodian workers this month, killing two of them like rats crushed by a rotting ship cabin floor. They were putting together a high-quality pair of Asics running shoes. Asics allow you to run fast, trampling human rights with ease.

Authorities declined to comment on the clash, saying they were still counting bribe money. A press release stated the stack of money was “so large” they were considering hiring sweatshop labor to help count the currency, which “just kept coming in.”

Big Government

Joe Biden

WASHINGTON–Joe Biden bargains away civil rights to defense contractors.

This government doesn’t love you. It doesn’t want to protect you.

This government wants your vote so they can fucking hurt you. They lie to you, making vague statements like you don’t fucking know better, like you don’t fucking know any big words, so they can take your shit away and put it in their bank vaults because they’re protecting their sick friends who make fucked gambles on your life savings so they can buy child prostitutes at home, and abroad.

This government, my friends, has a thousand tentacles for every smiling face, all wanting to rape you, looking you in the eyes, and telling you, “It’s okay.”

This government sends out agents to chat you up, make you feel good, like you’re better than your peers, like you’re better than the trash you write among, like you make better choices, you’re a clearer thinker, you’re a smarter breed, than those fucking criminals we know you all walk behind.

This government is your friend, your father, it makes decisions for your body, rapes you with ultrasound wands, says you can’t get married or you’ll break the broken sacred tax code used for secret murders you can not stop. This government holds you against your will, with your head in a dark bag, as it waterboards you for information you sincerely do not wish to give up. This government is worse than your abusive Big Brother of 1984.

This government is just plain old, fucking, Big.

America Heralds Permanent War

Michael Sheehan is a scum sucking war criminal

Michael Sheehan demonstrates how he holds the puppet strings.

The War became permanent Friday after senior Obama administration officials said they have “no intention” of “ever stopping” the hugely successful ‘War on Terror.’

Assistant Defense Secretary Michael Sheehan said they are “pre-emptively” calling any future administration that tries to stop the Authorization for Use of Military Force (AUMF) “treasonous” for aiding whoever the enemy is by then.

“We don’t know who in the shit we want to shoot at next, but by God I hope to hell it’s some Jihadi-ass sand people,” said Sheehan, adding, “I don’t fuck with no Russians.”

Sheehan warned against any future acts of Congress or government that dare to try and stop the permanent war before it is over.

“We have gone forward with legislation that automatically detains any leader, indefinitely, who tries to end this horrifying, successful permanent war policy,” Sheehan said.

Sheehan was stupefyingly candid with reporters Friday, saying the war has already become so profitable for his friends, it would be “a death wish” to American freedom of flow of capital into his pockets to end it too soon.

“We are hesitant to put a timetable on the War on Terror. I don’t know if terrorism is EVER gonna go away—not while it’s profitable, anyway,” said Sheehan.

Sheehan said he no longer fears retaliation from a culture he describes as being “indoctrinated” into the police state from early childhood on up.

“Your faggot kids are worse than you CNN-watching couchtards,” said Sheehan. “I mean, they’re too afraid now to even skip class, and that’s where they’re taught to join the military and become heroes like in them vidyagames they’re always playing.”

Sheehan said America’s going to have to learn to tighten its belt while all this war mongerin’ gets under way in meaningless countries like the Congo and Syria. Sheehan said he has hopes, however, that the economy can still support “a whole shitload” of profitable wars he has planned.

“We still have the whole education budget—and NASA! For fuck’s sake, do you realize how much money we are wasting on Medicare right now?” Sheehan said, looking up at the ceiling. “Good gosh-a-mighty, we could even cut back on infrastructure, and just let the whole fuckin’ place rot.”