Future President George Bush a-huntin’ them Reds
A great leader once asked, “How’s that hopey, changey stuff workin’ out for ya?”
America found her answer. Former President George W. Bush announced a plan Monday to “take America back,” starting with a campaign to reignite nationalism in the American people.
“We’re gonna, you know, we’re gonna take America back,” Bush said, with a gleam in his eye, “We’ll return this great nation to its former glory.”
Bush said America needs a new image of strength and prosperity – a picture of change it can believe in. Village elders close to the president have said Bush began his “spirit campaign” two years ago, starting with impressionist paintings.
This artwork demonstrated that Bush is still a human being.
“I’ve talked with village elders. I’ve spoken to the proletariat. America’s sat by too long watching a womanly president fuck things up beyond recognition,” Bush said. “I think it’s time we took this country in the right direction. Don’t believe me? Look at this way: Are we better off now than we were in 2008?”
New photos surfaced of a strong, bear-like President Bush dressed for hunting, knowing it will inspire Americans to take up arms against the Red menace in the Ukraine.
A protest scheduled May 16 will give Americans their chance to register grievances in Washington, D.C. and call for the overthrow of the Obama regime. Demonstrators said they will call for the reinstatement of a further-right Bush doctrine “that would make the Tea Party look like a six-year-old’s imaginary affair.”
President Bush is expected to take office before the 2016 presidential election if necessary, but insiders caution that he could better secure “legitimacy” by waiting for a “vote” next year.
George Bush a-huntin’ them Reds
George “TerrorMax” Bush wonders where the Ukraine is located
With a little help from his TerrorMax, George “Putin” Bush scans the horizon for Russkis
Vladimir Bush is an adept fisherman
Jamie Jo Corne, Trail Boss
With a fried voice and look of stoned desperation in her eyes, Trail Boss Jamie Jo Corne delivered new orders Tuesday to her rapidly-growing cult following.
Corne commands her collective to delay the Washington Bull Party Plan until May 16.
The Bull Party is a rally to restore freedom, which involves dumping seeds on the Capitol in Washington, D.C. and turning loose “thousands” of heads of cattle in the city streets, heralded by Corne who is expected to arrive on horseback with The Articles of Separation in hand.
“This is what’s gonna happen,” Corne said, bumping her fists together. “This is when the people meet the government.”
She slammed the Occupy Wall Street movement for its pacifism, saying hers is the movement of True Change, adding that her changes might even lead to economic collapse as America returns to the barter system.
In her video message to the collective, the Trail Boss said she needed to push back the cattle rustling after speculation that a number of unidentified homeless people “went missing” and are being detained in FEMA camps. Corne ordered the farming collective to stand by while she and General Lee sort out the logistics of transferring people and animals into the gridlocked city of Washington, D.C.
“Large amounts of cattle … to herd them into Washington, D.C. is going to take a little bit more planning than 30 days,” Corne said over the clicking of the Battletruck hazard lights. “Not really planning, but prepping.
Corne said she is “sick of fucking around,” and to complete her plan, she will need cattle ranchers to volunteer to turn their cattle loose into the streets.
“There have been several, multiple cattle ranchers. Multiple,” Corne said. “A multitude of farmers coming through, that want to dump their GMO seed all over the place in Washington, D.C.”
Corne is Trail Boss of a group of farmers ready to take up arms against the government at any moment. Corne herself has already threatened President Barack Obama’s life: a stunning preemptive strike in what she and her people refer to as “the American Spring.”
The alternative effects of spreading genetically modified seed throughout the nation’s capital would likely be unknown for at least a decade, according to Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, an Internet Chronicle botany consultant.
“It might not change anything,” Troubadour cautioned. “But then again, shit could be pretty fucked up for a while. Let’s wait and see.”
[UPDATE: THE TRAILBOSS HAS BEEN SILENCED. SHE HAS DELETED HER VIDEOS BECAUSE OF ATTEMPTS BY OUR GOVERNMENT TO SUPPRESS THE AMERICAN SPRING FREEDOM MOVEMENT. THE VIDEO CITED BELOW HAS BEEN LOST, BUT THIS REPORT REMAINS FACTUAL. PLEASE ENJOY A COMPLEMENTARY JAMIE JO CORNE VIDEO, COURTESY OF CHRONICLE.SU]
The plan is to give Congress three days to comply with demands. Consequences of non-compliance, Corne said, will be delivered in phases. Retaliation will be exacted by seizure of ports by collective forces, restrictions on imports, and the burning of social security cards.
“I’m changing the date to May 16th,” Corne said, “and we’re gonna get shit done. We’re gonna git’r'done.”
This message is brought to you proudly by TerrorMax, from Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals. TerrorMax: “Never forget” to Never Forget.
[Editor's note: Okay, alright now we are going to write this. I smoked a big old fat thing of weed and now we are going to write an article about]
The state of our world
…digital and otherwise – assuming there’s a difference (based on a paper forwarded to me by Kilgoar, I unconsciously pore over the definition of reality. The paper – originally published in a scientific journal, but now Aaron Swarz’d on this subversive website – stipulated that substantial evidence “exists” to suggest reality as we know it is a computer simulation.
The cat pictured above is exhibiting extra-binary political analysis.
Let’s just say for a second that we do live in a computer simulation designed to reproduce (or produce for the very first time) each facet of our existence – from the evolution of the single-celled organism to mankind, or from illiteracy to telekinesis. Let’s assume that every instance of reality exists not only in probability but in practicality. If we are part of “one” simulation then we may infer there possibly could be many others. Perhaps these alternate realities play out in widening variations – even to the extent we no longer recognize existence in its many otherworldly iterations.
Or let’s just say that’s all bullshit. Either way, does a two-party system actually reflect the needs of mankind?
Even fucking binary code “needs” more than 1′s and 0′s to function. Binary needs a processor.
Our false-binary political system does not allow us to recognize what goes on outside that vote – or that the government itself is a sort of processor, and not the result of voting itself. The processor is designed for certain purposes; all of them acted out, at its most basic level, in binary. And that is how America votes (and the results are menacingly consistent). Republican or Democrat, “left” or “right,” this one or that one, the lesser of two evils, and so on … it is by design that these are our choices.
It is of the utmost importance that we question, at every opportunity, what “reality” is, or is not.
To be, or not to be, that is the question—
This is a classic example of pre-computer false binary. I would have sailed out across God’s green ocean, and to hell with revenge and the idolization of one’s enemies.
But Prince Hamlet let himself get wrapped up in the binary when he should have been thinking about wrecking the processors. If you don’t like what your Pentium IV from 1999 is doing, then you don’t delete out a line of code. You replace that motherfucker. I’m talking about a processor revolution, and people don’t think like that. We are taught to think in binary. Yes and no.
So what if you KNEW “everything” was a computer simulation. Wouldn’t you want to play in it? Wouldn’t you be interested in seeing what it can do? Or does being a process relegate us to certain behaviors, certain parameters – certain “rules.” Maybe, right? But isn’t it worth a try?
Americans gathered around their televisions Friday, satisfied, because even between commercial breaks, some say they are continuously entertained “by the war.”
American Emily Jessup, 23, said a broken nation of war can be a good thing. It can even be fun, she said.
“We can finally reap the spoils of war – even a losing one!” Jessup said. Jessup and four friends discussed the war Wednesday after a long and painful evening of ‘hanging out.’
“Aw, we was just hanging out,” Jessup explained. “Hanging out’s just a good old however-long session of silently staring into smart phones, watching the reality TV show Catfish on Netflix.
I looked around the room into my friends’ dead eyes, and that’s when I knew it was time to talk about the war.
Gerald Samberg, former reality television enthusiast, first had the idea to discuss war during what was undoubtedly an agonizing reappraisal of his own sexual market value.
Samberg said, “I looked around the room into my friends’ dead eyes, and that’s when I knew it was time to talk about the war.”
America – the war about nothing
Social media critic and behaviorist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador hailed the war as “the perfect topic for discussion, anytime.” He added, “Even if you don’t know what to talk about, you can always just talk about the war. May the loudest opinion win!”
“The war has given us so much… to talk about,” Samberg said. “I’m shocked I even used to watch that old reality television. It just bores me now, and I can’t think about anything but this new ‘reality TV’ called war.”
Jeremy Thornton, another friend in Samberg’s group set, said he is good with activities that don’t require human interaction. Thornton said he enjoys masturbation and videogames, but when it comes to “smalltalk,” he just can’t cope.
“I can look at Redtube.com for six hours straight,” Jeremy said, “but you put me around people and my mouth gets all whiskey-dick. I just can’t talk to people. It’s awful. But then I remember we’re a nation at war, and I’m happy again.”
Billy Bell “Ray” Thornton, Jeremy’s younger brother and emotional punching bag, added, “Our Grandpa died in the war, shot down by the slopes – Pacific Theater. I never really understood it, but now I’m getting it. Grandpa didn’t die in vain. I like to think Grandpa died for a cause, afterall. Grandpa died so we’d have something to talk about, didn’t he?”
Later, Billy Bell Ray said the war helps him feel better about himself. Other members of their friend group agreed that the war makes them feel better about themselves in general, and that they were willing to talk about it made them deeper, more thoughtful and intelligent people.
And it does.
The War™ is brought to you gloriously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own everything that matters.
The inverted pyramid of the Bitcoin Occult Association represents upside down capitalism acting as the horizon for the all-seeing-eye.
INTERNET — Many Bitcoin investors panicked as all Bitcoin trading came to a mysterious stop on Sunday.
Cryptanalyst Dr. Angstrom Troubador of the Secret FISA Cuthbert Institute of Technology at Palantir stepped forward to take responsibility, telling the press, “A new generation of bitcoin millionaires and billionaires have infested the streets of America with hybrid cars which are designed to last for exactly 8 years. Bitcoin’s annihilation and incorporation into the general world economy acts as a turbo-boost for the empire. Can you feel it happening? The Shift is here. Capitalism 2.0, man. Artificial moneymaking crowdbanking fads which work to the benefit of the individual and the whole. It’s trickle-up fad economics, but it just swings. People will make billions, even trillions, and then the banks will kill it at a pre-ordained time. This will happen again and again, and it is a part of their plan to rebuild the middle class and the — uh — developing class.”
After many reporters chanted “Occupy Wall Street” and were thrown out of the room, Doctor Troubador continued, “The Occult knowledge of Bitcoin has been hidden, but I quote the seminal message of its creator: ‘Live by the coin. Die by the coin. For know one day a coin will always rise again, better than all others, and at this point a peaceful sanity will descend over the planet.’”
Trading continues at a much depressed state in markets continuing to sell Litecoins and PPCoins. but dogecoins are now traded at an astounding rate and worth, quadrupling in value over night.
The owner of MtGox, Dr. Satoshi Nakomoto, pounded his corporate fist at his podium, “We aren’t closing down, but we’re downsizing. If they bust Litecoin, we’re done. The Coin Fad is almost over, man. I’m calling it now. It was exactly like Tulips. Funny money. No one should have taken it, it was a bogus hacker prank from the get-go. Mt. Gox will continue to offer an alternative to Paypal, who if you’ll remember once blockaded our dear friends at Anonymous — the brave ones who stand for freedom and mere destruction of all governments everywhere. Support Mt. Gox, and you support a proud member of Anonymous.” Dr. Nakomoto winked at the camera.
Creepy old Uncle NSA. Where are his hands??
It’s hanging onto everyone, leering around at the room as it gropes the family children, probing for stuff it’s not supposed to find.
“Uh-oh, what have we here? Something you’re not supposed to be doing. Your parents would be very upset if they knew that you did that. There, there. Don’t cry. Really. You can make it all better. That’s a good girl. You don’t have to cry. Uncle NSA can help you make it all better. Shhhhhhhh.”
The NSA knows all the best changing rooms, where they can take a peek at your children’s sexting photos and blackmail their enemies with the same handy multi-tool, connected right into that magical cloud like it’s Ghost in the Fucking Shell.
But I already know you’re not mad. I’m just saying.
Heck, I’m glad we have something like the NSA protecting our freedoms, like other paramilitary, sub-governmental groups such as the Taliban, Hezbollah and Hamas protect the freedoms of their constituents.
Thanks, creepy Uncle NSA! Give me a hug. Hey! Tee-hee. Watch the hands!
This message brought to you jingoistically by Lebal Drocer, Inc. – American patriotism at its finest.
NSA’s Richard Ledgett will spy on everyone and everything, including the NSA.
It was announced Thursday the NSA is installing an all-seeing Eye of Sauron headed by Richard Ledgett. Ledgett will spy on his own spying agency to prevent more incidents like former contractor Edward Snowden.
He was quoted by the AP as saying, “The Lord of America sees all.”
“Concealed within his fortress, the Lord of America sees all. His gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth, and flesh. You know of what I speak, Greenwald: a great Eye, lidless, wreathed in flame.”
With Sauron Technology, Dick Ledgett can see his National Security Agents of Misfortune fucking up in real time, and make them disappear.
This entire story was broken on conditions of anonymity. Not even the NSA spokeswoman would comment on Ledgett’s simple position change.
One thing’s for sure: We’ll all be a lot more free this way.
INTERNET — Everything you thought you knew about hacking is bullshit.
After years of living underground, in refuge from the whitehat warlords, blackhat hackers will finally be eliminated in what is being dubbed the “Blackhat Holocaust.” What was once a rich and vibrant scene has been co-opted by the far right-left corporatarians, meaning dollar bills, fellas. Your hats are meaningless in the eyes of governments and corporations alike. All of your ideas, inventions, theories, exploits are being freely(at a cost) distributed amongst the wealthy to piss in the collective pool with.
The NSA are the biggest blackhats, man.
Your OPSEC is futile. You mull over the thousands of possibilities for event(x) out loud on twitter, while the blackhats laugh in the background. Such ugly schadenfreude; but their time has come.
The Internet Chronicles Chief Technology Officer and avid Biella Coleman fan, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador elaborates: “Blackhats aren’t Anonymous, they aren’t carders, script kiddies, packeteers or those owning Linode for fun. Nay, they are something far more villainous.”
For about 15 years now, people touted whitehats as the enemy of the hacking community at large, but the real harbinger of destruction was the peddling of a deluded belief that being a blackhat meant you could still work for the government, you could still be a corporate lackey, you’d have to sell your soul, but you could still write your exploits… though you’d have to sell those too. Everyone needs money though, right? We understand.
Is there a way to overthrow the omnipresent blackhat hegemony? Absolutely! You must learn the ways of the blackhat, become a blackhat hacker, immerse yourself in all things blackhat. Write as many exploits as possible. You will be challenged though, oh you will be challenged. This task is not for the faint at heart or wallet. With your exploits comes the potential for sale to nation-state actors that will use your own tools against you, your friends and loved ones. You will be lured in by unimaginable riches, the wealth of a thousand kingdoms and oh the power, the mother fucking power! However grandiose it all may seem, don’t fuck your fellow hackers and citizens in the ass. Just don’t fucking do it.
The blackhats will come to you in many forms. It will happen this way: you will be coding… maybe the last sunny day of fall and an encrypted message will be sent to you from someone you know, perhaps even trust, and they will offer a smile, a becoming smile, but they will leave open the door to becoming a true blackhat and offer to give you a lift…
For this day: release your exploits, tools, techniques, everything you’ve ever learned! Destroy all of your 0day via disclosure or distribute them amongst the poor and impoverished! Take the power you collected through your quest for great knowledge and destroy it in one fell swoop.
Cum on them before they cum on you.
And then create something beautiful.
I suppose it doesn’t matter though, guys and dolls, because there’s a war going on and this war is prefixed with “cyber,” fellas. Buyin’ in, sellin’ out.
Whistleblow Auto V hit stores late Sept.
INTERNET – In 1994, critics led by Tipper Gore called for the rare Adults Only ESRB rating of a controversial videogame that encouraged gamers to hack fictional government mainframes and turn over data for points.
Gore’s fears were not misplaced. New evidence suggests Snowden grew up playing certain games against all caution, such as Dissent, for Playstation 1, and Bureau Kombat.
With technological advances vastly exceeding the predictions of Murphy’s Law, gaming has evolved. Whistleblow Auto V gives players realtime access to actual top-tier government agencies using Antisocial Club, the in-game hacker interface connecting gamers to stocks, politicians’ emails and realtime Skype conversations to destroy political enemies before they can react.
As a result of exposure to the influence of violently helpful videogames, Snowden later downloaded what he could en masse, and hand picked the journalists he wanted disseminating it. He chose Laura Poitras because of her hyper-violent access to the mainstream press.
Poitras profited heavily from the Snowden leaks he stole while working as a contractor for the CIA. And as far as Poitras goes, the US Government doesn’t know whether to prosecute her for publishing leaks, or to turn her into the poster child for American capitalism.
As long as The Truth sells, people will buy it. What would we do without access to absolute reality the mainstream press is selling? What would you do without an imagined baseline of morality? What would we do with the truth?
These are all questions Whistleblow Auto V purports to address under the guise of “entertainment.”
New fears of youth organizing have arisen of EA’s proposal to develop Sim Militia, which EA said will be released in a painful series of full-priced DLC that slowly opens new territory and an innovative hate tree similar to the tech trees of Starcraft and Civilization.
A transcendental John F. Kennedy once said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.”
JFK might have been a no-good Communist sympathizer, but by God, he was right about one thing: serving your country. Besides, why do you think we had him assassinated?
The new frontier is wrought with peril – freedom-threatening, America-hating, chemically weaponized peril. But we don’t have to stand for it!
Who would have thought a man named Barack Hussein Obama would someday turn out to serve Al-Qaeda?
NOT US! But things are different. By gum, times have changed. America’s taking on a new image. No, we still don’t negotiate with terrorists; we FINANCE them! Where are our tax dollars going? Follow the money! Sign up for Al-Qaeda now, and take part in some of the most freedom-enhancing, civilian-terrorizing fun you can have with your pants off – raping countless victims! Enlist within one hour of reading this to sign up for our Syrian Autumn event and receive premium access to maximum firepower with minimum consequences!
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