“The beauty of art is that it can be interpreted many ways by many different people.”
WASHINGTON – Andrew Auernheimer, an American gray hat hacker better known as “weev,” tells The Internet Chronicle that his indictment in a New Jersey District Court over a June 2010 AT&T data breach is at its root an important free speech issue. Speaking to Chronicle.su’s Gray Phone, Mr. Auernheimer, a 27-year-old associate of Goatse Security, claims he made certain AT&T was aware of the breach in time to patch it, he never sought financial gain from what was in effect the the extraction of 114,000 iPad users’ email addresses, and that he never personally possessed more customer data than enough to communicate that the breach was bona fide. While prosecutors imply Mr. Auernheimer’s actions and statements may constitute computer fraud and foreknowledge of possible insider trading, he and his fellow Goatse Security associates saw themselves as merely tarnishing a company’s reputation due to its own reckless mishandling of customer data.
The actual extractor of iPad users’ email addresses, Daniel Spitler, 26, who may face as many as 10 years in prison, has already plead guilty to having gained unauthorized access to computers and identity theft. Mr. Spitler’s sentencing is forthcoming. Mr. Auernheimer served as a media liaison for the group, and only possessed iPad device signatures and email addresses related to media, such as Thomson Reuters and News Corporation.
Citing ’90s law enforcement debacles, such as the civilian deaths at Waco and the deaths in the Weaver family at Ruby Ridge, Mr. Auernheimer issued his appraisal of the honesty of federal law enforcement: “These are lying, perjurous, murderous thugs.”
He added, “If they will murder people, and no consequences of it will come for them, do you think they won’t manufacture evidence or coax false testimony? Give me break.”
“I’ve never shorted a stock, I’ve not solicited a third party to short a stock. And there’s nothing that I do that’s any different than what the financial press does. I’m issuing my opinion on AT&T’s — the information that they’ve made publicly accessible and giving my opinion of their infrastructure, as a result and of course Apple’s products.” He added, “There’s nothing illegal about this. This is protected by the First Amendment of the Constitution, and also there is a system in violation here in that they have denied my right to due process by allowing AT&T to arbitrarily after the fact of access determine what is and isn’t not an authorized without the use of Congress to determine what is or is not an illegal act.”
A New Jersey district court informational document reads, “[D]efendent SPITLER, [Mr. Auernheimer], and other Goatse Security members discussed who in the press had disclosed the data breach to At&T, since, contrary to the Gawker Article, neither defendant SPITLER, nor anyone from Goatse Security had.” The document goes on to catalog an exchange between Mr. Auernheimer and colleague “Nstyr” in which they intimate they have not informed AT&T tech support by telephone.
“I don’t fucking care [about calling AT&T directly.] [I] hope they sue me,” wrote Mr. Auernheimer, in private correspondence confiscated by federal investigators. Asked by The Internet Chronicle’s Gray Phone why he didn’t go to AT&T first, he was concerned about greater liability by even talking to the telecommunications giant.
“Many people that have direct dialogue with companies in this sort of situation are accused of extortion, and I specifically wanted to avoid being accused falsely of extortion,” he says. Mr. Auernheimer contacted at least one third party — whom he declined to name but AT&T identified as a “business customer” — and says he was certain the patch would be forthcoming before leaking the data to Gawker could cause any harm. The third party’s identity, he says, makes it “inherently obvious” that he or she would make AT&T knowledgeable.
AT&T, he says, doesn’t “need to be informed by me. They need to be informed by somebody.”
An associate named “Pynchon” wrote to Mr. Auernheimer, “[H]ey, just an idea [ -- ] delay this outing for a couple days[,] tomorrow short some [AT&T] stock[,] then out them on [T]uesday[,] then fill your short and profit[.]
With this quote posed to him by Chronicle.su, Mr. Auernheimer said, “I don’t believe that anybody had an interest in shorting a stock,” adding, “And I certainly did not solicit them, too, and I’ve received no kickbacks for doing so. And I don’t believe anybody did, or otherwise I’d be charged with a securities-related crime, which I of course am not.”
Mr. Auernheimer said he doesn’t recall writing a reply to “Pynchon’s” stock-shorting idea with the reply: “[I]f you want to do it[,] go nuts.” However for Mr. Auernheimer and ultimately Mr. Spitler, the only entity to have extracted and held all the data, prosecutors are sure to make much of the transcript’s mentioning of any of their associates’ even jesting about or humoring such a securities violation. To be sure Goatse Security has a long history of conducting operations simply for reputational gain or their laughter at others’ expense — known as “lulz.”
Mr. Spitler’s indictment falsely claims that AT&T is headquartered in New Jersey. Mr. Auernheimer characterized this as perjury motivated by venue shopping, intended to maximize chances at prosecution. AT&T is headquartered in Dallas, Texas.
In their analysis of chat logs federal prosecutors independently construed the sad-face emoticon “D8″ as the sexual metaphor “balls deep,” or as they put it, “to be deeply involved in an activity or to perform an activity to the greatest extent possible.” This revelation is not only humorous but shows, when taken in the context of Mr. Auernheimer’s relayed concern about civil, not criminal, liability for the data breach, Mr. Spitler was actually expressing fear.
ATLANTA, GA. – “Hey, she’s a dame. What do ya say, Hermie? We pick her up and show her a good time, give her the presidential treatment?”
Two pairs of eyes met in agreement on the rearview mirror. As it slowed to a stop, the campaign van brakes cried out in protest.
“I’ll introduce myself.”
The man in the backseat watched through tinted windows. “Yes, what is it?” the woman inquired of the driver, who approached her on foot now. He was a stocky white gentleman wearing a sportcoat, stylish prescription glasses, and a stained yellow mustache that matched his teeth.
“You want to meet a celebrity?”
“What are you doing?” she asked as he got closer. Her face changed, although an expression of politeness remained. “Now, wait just a second, what do you want? Back! Hey, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?” The driver had grabbed her by the wrist, but when she pulled away, he slapped her across the face and took her by her curly brown hair, leading her into the side door of their idling press wagon. She noticed it now, out of the corner of her eye: 2012.
Perhaps you’ve seen him on TV. He’s bringing jobs back to America. He believes we can take this country back. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be here today. His marriage fell to ruin in the wake of a series of sexual harassment scandals that surfaced as researchers snuffled for anything that might drop him out of the running. The hours were getting short; the days, much darker. It was only a matter of time now.
With their fly in tow, our two spiders drove around back of a warehouse not far from where they acquired a thirst for young flesh. Once inside, they removed her blindfold. The building was stacked to the tits with beer koozies, picket signs, boxes labeled “flair,” cardboard figures and T-shirts in every color and size ranging from small to medium to large, extra large, extra extra large, and the unthinkable XXXL. With no small degree of confusion, she absorbed her surroundings, forgetting for a moment the two dark figures just ten feet behind her. She struggled for breath at the sheer immensity of wall-to-wall fascism, lights shining on American flags, and in her eyes, too. She squinted to ascertain the meanings of slogans and effigies. America never looked so cheap. That is, until a red crowbar wedged itself between her right eye and the inner socket, hooking itself on her temple. The pain was insurmountable. She could not scream, and collapsed instantaneously under shock. Dull sensations of otherness were shooting off at random locations around her body. The pain was unfathomable. Reality ceased. A voice gave instructions. She followed them, without question, without understanding, with no intellectual capacity whatsoever to guide her through this terrible nightmare. She was no longer human.
The young woman – a skinny waitress in her thirties – with her fist in her mouth, put the other hand down to her gingham skirt. Her broken hand was gnarled into a claw, but using that claw, she tugged upward at her skirt with pathetic incapability, in a bid to satiate the verbose bloodlust of her attacker, candidate for the U.S. Republican Party presidential nomination, Herman Cain – a Georgia Tea Party activist.
The hairs on Herman’s neck bristled with anticipation. In the dark, he could not see it, but a flash of recognition darted through the young lady’s body as she made out the face of a man she once knew. A man who, before, had told her what to do in a more professional setting. She worked in one of his restaurants. Her boss. The owner.
Your God is Power. You have no shame.
“Rape victims are sluts who produce their own birth control. But you’re no victim,” declared Mr. Cain, a former deputy chairman of the Federal Reserve Bank of Kansas City. “You like this. I’m going to teach you to like me.” As he pumped, and huffed, and breathed scotch into his victim’s mouth, his eyes glazed over and fixated on the corner of the room, where he imagined a younger, better looking rape victim. And briefly, he pictured his wife. “Now secrete it!”
Herman Cain crouched down over the woman, who was now bloody, disheveled and used, and he asked her politely if he might take her out to dinner sometime, and if he can get that phone number.
Black dots patterned across his vision, bubblewrapping the terrible scene beneath him, the product of his undoing. One last passenger aboard the Cain train. As he struggled to breathe with that thin, tobacco-stained breath of his, Herman’s blood flowed like sand.
“She’s done for, Herman. Now let’s be on our way.” Chief of Staff Mark Block, Herman’s driver, sucked the last trace of life from his cigarette. He could not take his eyes off the scene. Her ripped white underwear with blue trim, bloody at the crotch.
“I– I thought her body was supposed to shut down to keep this from happening.” Cain withdrew an unlabeled bottle of blood pressure medication and took four tiny white pills.
“If she gets pregnant, then it means she liked it. Who can blame her? We’ve run a campaign like nobody’s ever seen. But then, America’s never seen a candidate like Herman Cain.”
A smile bled from the open corners of Herman’s mouth, from which sprung twin puffs of gaseous hate that twisted up his thin, dark mustache, and moved in a vapor around his furrowed brows, tracing the restaurant manager’s gray, receding hairline. Sister demons danced a double helix in the midnight air, assuming the form of matching parallel negative impressions, shaped like dervishes with forked tongues slithering, their writhing agitations, spied ever so slightly amid the shifting breeze in Block’s polluted exhalation. Graciously, they pulled his mouth wide into a devilish smile.
8:30 p.m. EDT – Georgian Attorney General Sam Olens is saying that the individual mandate tells you “what to think.” I’m not sure what to make of that.
8:35 p.m. EDT – Senator John Thune (R-SD) says that when playing basketball President Barack Obama is easy to predict because he “always goes to his left.”
8:54 p.m. EDT – Senator John McCain (R-AZ) is telling PBS that Mitt Romney supports offering military aid to the Free Syrian Army, seeming to simply that the United States is not currently. Sen. McCain touts that French President Hollande — “a socialist,” he makes a point of saying — supports a no-fly zone about the Mediterranean country.
9:14 p.m. EDT – Steve Cohen, as Media Matters is most prominently pointing out, has received more than “$2 million in government contracts, including nearly $220,000 in stimulus funds, and claims a ‘long and proud history of supplying heavy-duty American Made equipment to government agencies and the US military.”
9:19 p.m. EDT – In the face of PBS Host Gwen Ifill pressing the senator on the unpopularity of keeping taxes lower on the top 1 percent and 2 percent — and the inevitability of Democrats being determined to hang that policy “around the neck” of the Republicans, Senator Ron Johnson says that Democrats have not adequately challenged Republicans, as they have not presented their own budget.
9:27 p.m. EDT – Republican delegate Becky Davis (MO) says that female voters are “feeling [economic woes of late] in the grocery store,” seemingly emphasizing women loving cooking.
9:32 p.m. EDT – Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty is attacking President Obama’s vacation time. CBS News has reported that, at least a year in, Obama had taken a third of the vacation time than the last Republican president, 20 months in.
9:41 p.m. EDT – Fox News Channel Host Mike Huckabee says that convention attendees might be asking themselves how former rivals can unite to support one of them. The two, says Mr. Huckabee, “have Barack Obama to thank,” fully embracing the notion that the enemy of one’s enemy is one’s friend.
I get the sense that Huckabee didn’t listen to the previous speaker who referenced Obama claiming that if deficit controls didn’t work, that he would himself be looking at a “one-term proposition.” Otherwise he would have gone slightly off of the teleprompter, instead of saying, “Do you remember when” the president made that statement.
9:51 p.m. EDT – Mr. Huckabee says that Obama is an evangelical Christian. However the United Church of Christ, President Obama’s denomination, is not a member of the National Association of Evangelicals.
10:12 p.m. EDT – By saying that “hard decisions” prevented a follow-up attack to 9/11, is Condoleezza Rice implying that the Iraq War, who cause is now doubted by most House Republicans, was that hard decision?
10:14 p.m. EDT – A defining quality of this convention is how rarely the speakers mention Barack Obama by name.
10:16 p.m. EDT – Regarding the ongoing “we built it” private-sector theme, Arizona Governor Susana Martinez says, “[my parents] built it,” meaning their livelihoods, even though her father was a government employee, as a Marine and later a sheriff.
Gov. Martinez says that, despite Democrats controlling her state’s legislature, she talks about her state turning a state budget deficit into a surplus, saying “we,” presumably meaning her administration, “did it without raising taxes.” But did they do it, or did the private sector?
10:32 p.m. EDT – It’s interesting that Vice Presidential Nominee Paul Ryan references the Obama administration’s failure to oversee the reopening of a GM plant, in front of which, he says, Obama engaged in grandstanding about its reopening. However, Mr. Romney was an advocate of bailing out Detroit in his own right.
10:52 p.m. EDT – Rep. Ryan referencing Jack Kemp, his mentor, could evoke similar discomfort as to when then Governor Schwarzenegger talked about his admiration for Richard Nixon’s speech-giving.
WASHINGTON – 7:17 p.m. EDT, House Speaker John Boehner is referencing that President Obama “you didn’t build that” line, easily evoking for me the story of Gilchrist Metal Fabricating, featured in a Romney ad, a company that relied on hundreds of thousands of dollars in government subsidy.
7:19 p.m. EDT – Crowd shots from C-SPAN, heavily bleaching on the women’s hair.
7:24 p.m. EDT – Republican Party Chairman Reince Priebus seems like he’s awfully loud, considering that he has a mic.
7:28 p.m.. EDT – Mr. Priebus strongly hammering home the “you didn’t build that” as well, disparaging the infrastructure that comprises a mixed economy.
7:40 p.m. EDT – “Not up to government to save our country . . . up to us,” says Mia Love, Utah House candidate, in ad, further espousing the view that the government is not in fact representative of public will. Is the common law the will of mankind, as Robert Kennedy contended?
7:45 p.m. EDT – The United States, says Love, is the “last, best hope,” a country with an accelerating fall in human development index.
7:48 p.m. EDT – When actress Janine Turner describes an ever-growing government, she is trying to describe the federal government’s level of control, not the net number of federal and state employees as a percentage of the population, which is in fact in serious decline. (Source: Hamilton Project)
7:51 p.m. EDT – When RNC officials and spokespeople endorse “God” blessing America, are they really respecting the First Amendment, and the tacit separation of church/synagogue/whatever, which also protects polytheists and atheists?
8:04 p.m. EDT – Delaware Republican lieutenant gubernatorial candidate Sher Valenzuela touts that Mr. Romney understands the “human case for free enterprise,” but her own family’s business relied on “millions of dollars in secure government contracts.”
8:16 p.m. EDT – It’s interesting that “penalties” Ayotte discusses for a small-business owner, who might otherwise expand a business, others might describe as funds meant to provide a basic social floor for employees.
The senator also disparages the “rolling back” of “Obamacare” by a President Romney, while Mr. Romney’s book, “No Apologies,” in fact postulates a nationwide expansion of the widely disfavored individual mandate.
8:20 p.m. EDT – And here’s Jack Gilchrist, who no doubt desires to trumpet how he “built it.” He says the Obama administration is “killing us” and “won’t get out of our way.” However, as discussed by the New Hampshire Union Leader, his company received $800,000 in tax-exempt revenue bonds.
8:36 p.m. EDT – Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin reminds me once again how popular bleached hair is in the GOP female crowd. We’re adding the fashion tag now.
Gov. Fallin is remarking that the first oil well in Oklahoma was not subsidized by public capital. According to a 2009 study by the Environmental Law Institute, between 2002 and 2008, the government subsidized oil drilling and exploration to the tune of $7.1 billion.
8:59 p.m. EDT – There is the biggest of all cheers yet for Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. Gov. Walker says we need to elect Mr. Romney and Representative Paul Ryan (WI) to “save America.”
9:09 p.m. EDT – Nevada Governor Brian Sandoval expresses pride in Nevada’s role in putting Abraham Lincoln in the White House. It is an interesting historical footnote that Communist Manifesto co-author Karl Marx would write to President Lincoln to congratulate him on his win.
9:15 p.m. EDT – Road sign builder, Phil Archuletta, who makes signs for the Forest Service and a variety of federal agencies, takes the stage, ambiguously a part of the “we built it” agenda.
“[The Obama] administration is putting us out of business,” says Mr. Archuletta, referring to their denial of subsidy to his busines, saying that he is “barely hanging on with orders from the state of New Mexico” thanks to Republican Governor Susana Martinez.
9:22 p.m. EDT – Mr. Santorum conspicuously dodging a reference to his Italian communist heritage.
He says that welfare reform didn’t work precisely because the “welfare rolls were cut in half.” It’s unclear at this point from his statements how seriously he is implying that cutting welfare rolls unto itself actually spurred job creation.
9:48 p.m. EDT – Texas Senate candidate Ted Cruz espouses his parents’ involvement in the, for decades, massively subsidized petroleum industry.
9:51 p.m. EDT – Former Representative Artur Davis (D-AL) knocks the individual mandate, endorsed by the conservative Heritage Foundation in the early ’90s
9:58 p.m. EDT – Mr. Davis disparages the prospect of the Democratic Party, at their Charlotte convention, showing off their most famous presidents, while every president since the New Deal, Republican and Democrat, oversaw much higher taxes on the top 1 percent and 2 percent. In disagreeing with those rates, the modern Republican Party engages in the most unpopular part of its platform — on which it has distanced itself even from its voting base.
10:01 p.m. EDT – In pushing voter ID laws, comparing them to the necessity of carrying ID onto an airplane, Governor Nikki Haley (SC) overstates how common voter fraud is, and understates how alarming, easily exploited not requiring ID to board a plane, would be. Plane trips are and should be a relatively luxury compared to suffrage. Citizens with the economic wherewithal to afford plane trips are more likely to have the time and resources to more conveniently obtain state ID.
Fascinatingly, Gov. Haley calls President Obama a “mack daddy,” apparently a reference to virility — fascinating because he has so many fewer children than Mr. Romney.
10:15 p.m. EDT – It sounds like Ann Romney is slightly caving to Democratic spokesperson Hilary Rosen’s criticisms from months ago, when she contended that Ann Romney had never worked a day in her life. In the prepared remarks, Mrs. Romney references “the working moms who love their jobs but would like to work just a little less to spend more time with the kids, but that’s just out of the question with this economy.”
The calculation here is to improve Mr. Romney’s lagging numbers with single women. Even Rick Santorum extended a hand to the “heroism” to single mothers per se.
10:21 p.m. EDT – Also, from Ann Romney’s prepared remarks (but as she more or less said it), she says her father “moved to a small town in the great state of Michigan. There, he started a business — one he built himself, by the way. ” However even her father took advantage of the government dime to expand his business and expertise, helping to design the landing crafts for D-Day.
10:36 p.m. EDT – Seemingly channeling Obama’s own terminology, New Jersey Governor Christie calls his own speaking gig “improbable” due to his being a Republican from a relatively Democratic-leaning state. But in fact that is one of the main reasons for his degree of influence and certainly his speaking position.
10:50 p.m. EDT – Potentially confounding Gov. Christie’s comparison to other developed countries’ relatively successful educational systems is that most of those other countries have relatively robust teachers’ unions and pensions.
INTERNET — Thursday, Anonymous, the idea, was arrested by the U.S. Government. Tired of butthurt countercultural types touting such a smug slogan, Anonymous imagery was symbolically “imprisoned” at Guantanamo Bay. “We just wanted to show those kids that, yes, we can arrest an idea. We’ve arrested every single one of those snide kids and we’re waiting on evidence so we can make a move on the rest,” said Guantanamo Torture Artist President Obama.
Barrett Brown didn’t have time to comment, as he was busy rewriting his book to reflect how wrong he was about Sabu. When offered advice from Chronicle.SU strategists on countering persona management with increased use of reverse Turing Tests, Brown flew into an uncontrollable rage. “Why should I listen to YOU? You’re just some freak who was completely right when I was woefully wrong about Sabu.” Brown’s indictment for grievous lapses in journalistic ethics remains hilarious, and his continued hijacking of Anonymous for huge personal profits has paid off with his new fake title of “Ex-Anonymous Spokesperson Security Expert.” Brown has been featured by clueless networks like Bloomberg and Russia Today because of his facile relationship with so-called Anonymous ‘Snitch’ leadership.
Kids, the hate’s only beginning! Hold on Tight, because if you think Barrett Brown’s been a silly-nilly wait till you hear about Assange!
Assange has gone completely insane with power! The mission of WikiLeaks has drifted from revealing government ‘cover ups’ of accidental killings of journalists to ratting out internal gossip at Stratfor, a ‘fellow’ publisher! If that’s not enough, they’re responsible for at least one hoax planting lies (!) on a New York Times columnist who would never say such things.
AND ANONYMOUS HAS FINALLY, INEXTRICABLY, BLOWN THEIR COVER!
As we all know, Anonymous is a longstanding phenomenon of angry kids who gang up out of nowhere to DDoS web sites that piss them off for some reason. This has been going on long before the term ‘Anonymous’ gave such a group a crystallized identity. Now that the ‘Internet’ and ‘Social Media’ are big things, they’re able to generate huge headlines by leeching of of Internet-related media events and leveraging the ‘cool,’ threatening imagery. Used to be they’d have to take down Yahoo or something to get any attention, but that was back when Yahoo meant something. Kids these days, I’m tellin’ ya…
BUT WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH CHRIST ASSANGE?
So now this contrived mantra, “DDoS is something like a sit-in during the Civil Rights movement,” has been put to the fucking test. The sacred WikiLeaks has come under DDoS attack from an opposing camp, AntiLeaks, which considers WikiLeaks a new form of terrorism. The argument, which is consistent with Assange’s own theories, is that these major leaks are not intended to reveal specific crimes but rather to inhibit communications networks and undermine, specifically, America’s imperialism. There’s nails, strings, and planks of wood. You probably couldn’t understand Assange’s transcendently enlightened Theory of Conspiracy without decades of self-absorption.
What did Anonymous say to this act of ‘free speech?’WE WILL DESTROY YOU, ANTILEAKS!
PLEASE CONCLUDE SO MY SIMPLE MIND CAN SYNTHESIZE ALL THIS NONSENSE!
Assange let his Jimmies get Rustled and became worse than Rupert Murdoch. Much worse. Instead of letting a broken bureaucracy do his dirty work through mismanagement, Assange has engaged directly, if the body of evidence is not all fabricated, in intensely unethical, questionable practices. Enlisting hackers, educating informants in hacking techniques, and putting on hoaxes is not behavior I can defend. It’s disgusting and sick! Shame on Assange! Shame on Brown! Shame on Topiary! Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame! *chant continues until all of Occupy has been arrested.*
Lousiana Governor Bobby Jindal, ex-Hindu, and Vice Presidential Pick
BOSTON, MASS. – Early Wednesday morning, Romney fans who signed up for the “Mitt’s VP” app received word that Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal would be the Republican Party’s vice presidential candidate.
Jindal’s racial background, says Council on Foreign Relations President Richard Haas, was the deciding factor. “Romney is very, very rich,” says Mr. Haas. “His campaign is parroting the successful exploitation of white guilt, which was instrumental in Obama’s election.”
Conservatives everywhere lauded this selection, seeing Jindal as confirmation of Romney’s dedication to Christian Family Values. “When you combine a Mormon with an ex-Hindu Catholic who doesn’t believe evolution should be taught in school, it sends a clear message of Faith in the American People,” said influential American televangelist Pat Robertson, in a special message on his own Christian Broadcasting Network.
Mr. Robertson continued, “Those liberals think they can hide under the Satanic blanket of identity politics — cynically asking you to vote for someone due to his ethnicity.” Raising and balling up his fist, he continued, “Two can play at that game.”
Mr. Romney has already upset members of the international community, many of whose members say the Jindal pick is an attempt to pander to American Exceptionalism. At a press conference this afternoon, Romney urged for the Republican Party to come together around the Louisiana governor.
“Bobby Jindal,” he says, “is exactly what immigrants to the United States should look like! He’s an American to the core, and that’s why I chose this man to be the next vice president of the United States of America!”
The possibility of America changing from within is estimated to within 1/1000 margin-of-error by Chronicle standards to be “literally much, much lower” than the Second Coming of The Lord Jesus Christ which George Bush pointed to as his exit strategy for Iraq.
I am too pessimistic to allow for the possibility of anyone possibly actually really working within what I perceive to be a broken system. And when I say broken I mean sand in the gears, and every grain is a greedy corner-cutting fascist with friends who own businesses and legislate fairly enough to the highest bidder and BOTHER with the collective, peon masses of which I include myself.
I take only small pleasure in carving out a living exposing politicians as the two-dimensional shit-eating grinners they are, mainly because of the horrible truths which follow the gay coyness of any given situation in which I find myself being lied to.
That said, working within the system is a matter of working entirely by rules which aren’t written, ignoring the ones that are, and leaving no trace of in-congruence along the way. We’ve been taught all our lives to make excuses bending over backwards to supply to our common enemies every benefit of the doubt just to taste shit in our mouths in the now-compromising position of total subservience to the corporation state.
Dig in! Stay vigilant! Erase debt! Let politics go, but never, ever, give up the personal fight.
Die for an inch, and fill it with satire!
–Raghubir Goyal, Chronicle.su Internal Affairs, United Armed Worker’s Movement, CHRONICLE.SU
THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE DELETED TEPID SILENCE AS RAGHUBIR GOYAL ASSUMES TOTAL CONTROL OF INTERNET HATE SITE CHRONICLE.SU
Officers and men of the Chronicle Worker’s Army met at the July 4 House of Counterculture Monday to extend the highest glory and congratulations to CWA Supreme Commander Raghubir Goyal on his holding of the title of the (Armed Worker’s Revolutionary Party of chronicle.su (AWRP) Editor Marshal, and vow to uphold his leadership with permanent loyalty.
Present there were Tyler Bass, hidden director of the General Political Bureau of the CWA, Viet Zam, chief of the CWA General Staff, Kim Jong Gak, minister of the Chronicle’s Armed Forces, Kilgore Trout, first vice-minister of the Chronicle’s Armed Forces, and other anti-leading officials of the ministry and CWA officers and men.
Tyler Bass read out a decision of the Transhumanist Agenda, the Armed Worker’s Party of chronicle.su, the Central Military Commission of the WPC and the Chronicle Offense Commission and the Presidium of the Supreme Inglip Assembly of the Armed Worker’s Revolutionary Party on awarding the title of the AWRP Editor Marshal to Raghubir Goyal.
The participants broke into thunderous cheers in excitement.
Then the floor was taken by the speakers.
Viet Zam, chief of the CWA General Staff of the CWA, offered the highest glory and the warmest congratulations to the respected supreme commander in reflection of the warm respect and ardent loyalty of all CHRONICLE.SU readership.
He said that the title awarded to Raghubir Goyal is a manifestation of the boundless respect of the Mujihadeen and people for the great illustrious commander of Inglip and an event of great significance that displayed their firm will to trust only the supreme commander and follow him.
Raghubir Goyal, who learned about SEIZING POWER in his early years under the care of anti-leader Kilgoar Trout, has developed the CWA into an elite revolutionary death squadron, regarding it as his lifelong mission to accomplish the Inglip revolutionary cause of Transhumanism, using a totally new language to demonstrate the might of the website as a world-level anti-social networking power, he said.
Viet Zam noted that Raghubir Goyal is the best, invincible and iron-willed commander who develops the Chronicle’s Army and fully demonstrates the dignity and might of the internet hate machine with infinite loyalty to the great Generalissimos and rare commanding art.
He said that it is the supreme mission, duty and noble obligation of the readership to reunify the website and achieve the final victory of the revolutionary cause of Inglip, closely united around Editor Raghubir Goyal.
Raghubir Goyal is perfectly possessed on the highest level of the disposition and personality as a modern strategist and statesmen, Kim Jong Gak said.
He has further developed and enrished the Inglip-oriented military ideas, strategies and tactics of the great Generalissimos as required by the era, determined to carry to completion the revolutionary cause of Inglip started in Mt. Bombrain, he noted, adding that a fresh heyday is being opened in the development of the Chronicle’s Army thanks to the energetic leadership of the supreme commander.
The CWA service personnel through their life experience enshrined the absolute truth that only victory and glory will be in store for the strong revolutionary guide of Mt. Bombrain which advances under the wise leadership of Editor Marshal Raghubir Goyal, he said, and went on:
We will firmly prepare ourselves to be revolutionary comrades-in-arms who would follow him step by step with pure conscience.
We will make ceaseless innovations in the deconstruction of the main pillars of society, for tearing down a broken nation and improving the standard of people’s living and take the lead in implementing the CHRONICLE PARTY’S intention to provide the people with a happy life under false totalitarianism, bearing in mind Raghubir Goyal’s foggy, inconsistent value system.
Svirgula said that the readership and militant trolls of the AWRP are speeding up their advance for a final victory after overcoming the sorrow over the great loss to the website, adding that it is entirely thanks to Frank Mason who is the best in idea, leadership and virtue, that the ambiguous anti-leader may now assume control.
Saying that it was the ardent wish of all the army and people to award the highest title to the supreme commander, he noted that the militant trolls and Selena Gomez fanbase are so much excited with joy now as they have realized their wish.
The CWA will demonstrate its might as a strong revolutionary arm of social change of Mt. Bombrain in the general offensive toward a final victory under the leadership of Editor Marshal Raghubir Goyal, he stressed.
Borrowing a classic move from The Internet Chronicle, the U.S. State Department is funding an initiative dubbed “Viral Peace,” which aims to “troll” online extremists out of positions of respect and power.
Led by Shahed Amanullah, Viral Peace uses “logic, humor, satire, [and] religious arguments, not just to confront [extremists], but to undermine and demoralize them.”
Expert extremist troll Kilgore Trout was reached for comment.
These extremists, they’re all the same. They get up on their soapbox and say whatever it takes to get people over on their side, and the shit they say, it’s as stupid as it gets. In any zone where they can be challenged, they MUST be challenged, not because they are right or wrong, but because they are DUMB.
Insiders at the State Department revealed that this entire project was inspired by Kilgore Trout’s trolling of AnonNews.com, a site where dumbass 12-year-olds explained their own twisted, absurd and uninformed meanings for Anarchy and Anonymous.
Trout is recognized as the world’s leading expert in this field, and is currently seeking a high-paying job advising Viral Peace on proven strategies.
DENVER, COLO. — Americans were excited today about reports deep within the bowels of the Romney campaign that the former Massachusetts governor is ready to go after President Obama’s use of marawana and cocaine as a teenager.
“I mean, this is a guy who admitted to cocaine use,” says a Romney adviser to Buzzfeed, “had a sweetheart deal with his house in Chicago, and was associated and worked with Rod Blagojevich to get Valerie Jarrett appointed to the Senate,” adding, “The bottom line is there’ll be counterattacks.”
President Obama has made a point of discussing his own history of using cocaine, which he refers to by its crass street name of “blow;” as well as his inhaling the vapours of the ever-popular devil weed itself. His popular autobiography, “The Audacity of Hope,” whose sales are his primary source of income — second only to “cash money” reportedly obtained selling automatic firearms to Mexican drug cartels — is a book basically about how the 44th president of the United States loved using drugs. President Obama has met desperate, repeated online pleas he legalize recreational cannabis use with guffaws and denials that he would act to liberate from a kyriarchy the American people, now arbitrarily incarcerated at rates unrivaled in the developed world.
Despite many reports, including out of Forbes magazine, that Portugal’s drug legalization policy has decimated that country’s drug abuse, Gil Kerlikowski, head of the Office of National Drug Control Policy, has stated that legalization does not combat the ills of illicit drug use. And last month, before Congress, the head of the Drug Enforcement Agency, Michele Leonhart, reiterated her administration’s commitment to utter hysteria and lack of focus on a public health crisis.
Before finally admitting, after much pressure, that heroin was more addictive than cannabis, Ms. Leonhart first characterized the matter of whether heroin is worse for an individual’s health than cannabis as “subjective.” This admission followed deliberately dishonest exchanges with Democratic Representative Jared Polis of Colorado:
REPRESENTATIVE JARED POLIS (D-CO): Is crack [a street name for free-based cocaine - ed] worse for a person than marijuana?
MICHELE LEONHART: I believe all illegal drugs are bad.
REP. POLIS: Is methamphetamine worse for somebody’s health than marijuana?
MS. LEONHART: I don’t think any illegal drug is good for –
REP. POLIS: Is heroin worse for someone’s health than marijuana?
MS. LEONHART: Again, all [sic] the drugs, they are illegal.
The administration’s enforcement strategies square well with the Romney campaign’s assessment of the president pro-drug attitudes, the unmistakable products of hedonistic, if-it-feels-good-do-it ’60s culture. Meanwhile the deputy director of NORML, a shady druggie front group, longs for the good old days under President George Bush when Californian sludge distributors operating under the guise of “medical clinics” “helping people in pain” could operate with relative impunity, writing this week, “Many of California’s most prominent and well-respected medical cannabis dispensaries and related facilities — including Oaksterdam University, Berkeley Patients Group, and Harborside Health Center (HHC) — flourished under the George W. Bush administration. But they’ll be lucky to survive President Barack Obama’s first term.”
Medical health professionals consulted off-the-record by The Internet Chronicle speculate that President Obama’s laser obsession with his administration’s present drug enforcement strategies is likely the result of the delusion and vigor associated, they say, “unmistakably” with cocaine psychosis.
After bragging to high school students in December of 2007 about how cool drugs are, then Senator Obama became the focus of the popular prohibitionist scrutiny. Obama’s candor with students came on the heels of the leak of an audiotape of President George W. Bush citing a responsibility to America’s youth to prevaricate about his own drug use — not to protect his own career, of course, but to shield them from the enormous influence the president of the United States has had on American teenagers since the Founding Fathers.
Years ago the Romney campaign pounced on the opportunity to praise President Bush’s bold, private confession to smoking weed. Mr. Romney said then, “He said when he was young and irresponsible, he was young and irresponsible, and he left it at that. And I think that in order to leave the best possible example for our kids, we’re probably wisest not to talk about our own indiscretions in great detail.”
Mr. Romney’s strategy is “simple yet elegant,” says Political Science Professor Alan Abramowitz of Emory University, adding, “It allows the candidate to bask in the veneer of family values while remaining duplicitous about that bottle of Coca-Cola he is rumored to have enjoyed, covertly, while on missionary work in France on behalf of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.”
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