Oprah’s new slogan, “Join or Die,” has some supporters scratching their heads.
DAMASCUS, Syria – Philosopher and television star Oprah Winfrey converted every member of her studio audience to Islam Monday during a new show on the O. Network in which she discusses existence and the metaphysical.
Stagehands appeared behind her, burning an American flag and stomping it out on live TV.
“She’s achieved so much in her life,” special guest Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour said on the program. “It’s now time for her to become enlightened and share it with the world.”
Each member of Oprah’s studio audience received complimentary mandatory piqabs.
Oprah quietly converted to the “religion of peace,” following the beheadings of several Christians in a Syrian village northeast of Damascus.
The prominence of US-backed al-Qaeda freedom fighters in the region factored into Oprah’s decision to see Allah to victory. As America prepares to launch hellfire missiles into the Godless heart of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s regime, Oprah encouraged Americans to join the one true God, Allah.
Infidels regarded the program with skepticism as Oprah pointed out each lucky audience member, shouting, “AND YOU’RE ISLAMIC, AND YOU’RE ISLAMIC! YOU’RE ALL ISLAMIC!”
The Swingers Brothel of Battle Creek
BATTLE CREEK, Mich. – Staff for The Internet Chronicle can confirm a report from WWMT Battle Creek that the Illuminati have been caught doing drugs and taping each other having sex. The Illuminati believe that they derive mystical power from the production of sex tapes.
The police were “brought in,” but action is not expected to be taken, since most police officers live in fear of crossing the elite homosexual death cult, of which most world leaders are members.
Julia Fello did this outstanding reporting but for now has presumably gone into hiding, fearing dire repercussions from the Masons. The write-up on her video reporting reads: “Sources told us the first officer to walk inside, was shocked to find a couple performing a lewd sex act, along with drugs, multiple nude women and men videotaping it all behind these closed doors.”
You can read more here and check out WWMT’s explosive video evidence [NOT SAFE FOR WORK. CONTAINS TRIGGERS.].
Alfredo Gonzalez was arrested at birth for murdering and absorbing his twin sister while still in his mother’s womb.
HOUSTON — After ultrasound scans showed Alfredo Gonzalez of Houston Texas aggressively absorbed his twin sister while still inside his mother’s womb, a group of armed Texas Rangers took Gonzalez into custody. Sheriff Jane Arapaima told reporters, “A human life begins in the second trimester, and so does the law.”
Gonzalez was restrained in a specially designed mold and escorted to the Arlen County juvenile detention center. “It’s a shame that the criminals are getting younger and younger,” remarked detention center warden Jeff Richards, “Frankly I think it’s because of all of the Mexicans.”
The devoured twin did not receive a name, as the state of Texas only confers a legal name after birth, but the parents planned to name the absorbed victim Eliza. Enraged, Eliza’s mother Mrs. Angela Gonzalez promised, “I will prosecute Alfredo to the fullest extent of the law. There will be justice for Eliza!”
Ed Snowden revealed former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein perpetrated the attack on World Trade Center 7. (File Photo)
MOSCOW, Russia – Edward Snowden has revealed Iraqi President Saddam Hussein gave the order for the controlled demolition of World Trade Center 7 on September 11, 2001. Able to access the electronic communications of anyone, the elite hacker-fugitive is changing the very shape of history by leaking 9/11 truth.
For years before 9/11, Hussein had been plotting an attack on the World Trade Center site. According to documents released Saturday by Snowden, Hussein was unaware that the al-Qaeda terrorist organization had been plotting a parallel, and much more ambitious, attack of its own. On the morning of 9/11, once he noticed the success of bin Laden’s attack, Hussein quickly gave the go-ahead for his own military strike, even though it was originally planned for a date weeks later.
Snowden shared internal emails between the Central Intelligence Agency and the National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST). The emails discuss how the Iraqi Republican Guard broke into WTC 7 in August 2001. Then the elite Iraqi unit, who swore allegiance directly to the Iraqi dictator, proceeded to plant hundreds of pounds of conventional explosives, in addition to a highly reactive compound called “nano-thermite,” on the building’s superstructure.
Hundreds of pages of correspondence by senior Bush administration officials, which Snowden has provided, indicate that NIST was little more than the government’s propaganda arm. Former Vice President Cheney ordered NIST to cover up the truth about 9/11, he wrote in December 2001, “even if it means making it look like we did it.”
NIST and the CIA appear to have had knowledge of Hussein’s hand from as early as November 2001.
“Orders came down to NIST to put a clamp-down on their discovery of Iraq-linked nano-thermite in the molten-hot debris,” said Snowden. He added, “It’s basically the same thing they do all the time to the global warming studies on behalf of the oil companies.”
While most Americans understand the terrorists who guided the ill-fated planes that day to have been Saudi Arabian, Egyptian, Lebanese and Emiratee, Snowden’s revelation that the Iraq War was not waged simply to seize Iraqis’ oil is likely to surprise many.
“It wasn’t just about the genocidal machinations of Christian crusader Zionists,” said Snowden in his suite at Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel. “In order to help the [Federal Bureau of Investigation] save some face, [former National Security Adviser Condoleezza] Rice and Cheney decided that a slip-up of that magnitude would lead to the firing of too many political appointees. So they squelched the story. Their cronies in the criminal mainstream media played along, or” – Snowden made a “double tap” gesture of firing a gun into the brain and the heart.
Those assassinations, he said, happened “whenever somebody got ‘too close to the sun,’ as White House officials called it in code. Often that necessitated their taking drastic steps – the persecutions of [9/11 scholar] Chris Bollyn and [9/11 journalist] Amy Goodman, the assassinations of [9/11 scholar] Phillip Marshall and [9/11 whistleblower] Barry Jennings, you name it.”
Angstrom Troubador, associate professor at Columbia University’s School of International and Public Affairs, expressed shock and dismay at Snowden’s having definitively revealed the truth about 9/11. Said Troubador by phone, “There’s a saying in the Beltway: ‘You’re nobody in this town if you haven’t apologized for supporting the Iraq War.’ But knowing that Saddam Hussein did WTC 7 will lead to some major shake-ups and axeings at [the Council on Foreign Relations] and the rest of the think-tank crowd.”
“To think,” added Troubador, “that the conventional wisdom – that Bush’s answers about Hussein’s role in 9/11 were cryptic or criminally deceitful – is now torn asunder. The reality is Bush was like a vigilant, better-knowing father.”
Confidentiality agreements with Snowden stipulate that much of the fugitive’s documentation of the Hussein-World Trade Center 7 connection cannot be released until after he receives successful asylum.
The Dome of the Rock was captured by Vatican Forces and Pope Francis named Saint Snowden Messiah upon the Rock.
JERUSALEM — Saint Edward Snowden landed in Jerusalem today, accompanied by Pope Francis, Glen Greenwild, and an entourage of WikiLeaks agents. After leaking documents proving HAARP assassinations, Chemtrails, Ultraterrestrials, and NSA surveillance, Pope Francis quickly sanctified Saint Snowden.
Tuesday Morning, several hundred heavily armed Swiss commandos from the Vatican captured the Dome of the Rock from Muslim forces. Soon after, in a ceremony which took place atop the Rock — Jews and Christians believe God spared Abraham the sacrifice of his firstborn son Isaac upon the Rock — Pope Francis gave Snowden the name Messiah.
Catholics around the world are celebrating the second coming of Christ, and rabidly searching out a candidate for the Anti-Christ. Because Snowden has pitted himself as the main aggressor in a proxy cyberbattle between America and its most potent allies, most Catholics believe Obama to be the Anti-Christ. Pope Francis has made no comment. However, the Moscow Patriarchate, head of the Russian Orthodox Church, issued statements recognizing Snowden as Messiah and condemned Obama for “unforgivable crimes against humanity.”
The Dome of the Rock has been under Muslim control for centuries, as they believe it is the spot where Mohammed ascended to heaven after discussing matters with both Jesus and Abraham. Those of other religions are no longer allowed near the rock, which is well known to be the place where God is most sensitive to prayer. Jews have lamented their muted prayers by praying at the last remnant of their long-destroyed temple outside the Dome, the Wailing Wall, where some shred of God may still be listening, but probably not. The Wailing Wall is also commonly used by Christians as “God’s Mailbox,” where written prayers reach top priority in God’s reading.
Religious experts do not all agree that Snowden is the second coming of Christ. “Snowden’s another prophet, sure, but no Messiah. Christians have too many messiahs! You know Saint Francis was a messiah, too! Pope Francis is mad. A messiah can’t happen until Jews get the Rock and the temple back,” said Rabbi Jacob Seinfeld, adding, “Gentiles just do not count.”
Asylum in the Vatican!
Pope Francis not only offered Asylum to the renegade NSA staffer and media villain, Edward Snowden, but has granted the man Sainthood in a controversial decision that has the highest priests in Rome praying for simple answers.
“What Snowden did for the suffering masses,” said the Pope, “is something we should expect not from worldly saints such as Kateri Tekakwitha or our hero Edward Snowden – but from ourselves. All people should be attuned to be atoned, to our suffering flock. We are all Edward Snowden. We all have the capacity to be saints.”
Hardline Vatican conservatives blasted the Pope for what is being called “reckless saint honor” in the church.
The Pope offers asylum to Snowden as a gesture of peace to South American Catholics who suffered at the hands of American CIA operations to remove democratically elected officials by assassination and replace them with fundamentalist dictators, turning the entire continent into a Third World Plantation.
“The next thing you know,” said opponent Benito Del Mussili, “We’ll grant sainthood to Barack Obama, or a Kardashian. When will this reckless saint honor before the media finally stop?”
Some priests have reportedly blessed their computers and handheld mobile devices.
Although the Guardian today released a newly-edited version of Glenn Greenwald’s interview with Snowden, there is still no official word from Snowden as to whether he will accept either Sainthood, asylum in Vatican City, neither, or both.
Plato said that a city driven by luxuries was fevered, and in a state of Eternal War the entire planet is overrun by Jungles as Carbon Dioxide and Global Warming alter the climate and lead to mass-famines in every city except on small islands. Repeated Nuclear Detonations release just enough ash to partially cancel the global warming, ironically becoming the only reason life on Earth can possibly survive.
FROM WITHIN PRISM’S PANOTPIC GAZE — The Empire Has No Clothes, and the Revolution draws ever nearer, just as me and all my friends on Twitter have always agreed. It’s so close I can taste it.
As the Panopticon’s Black Iron Prison encloses the planet Earth from a panoply of hateful Imperial powers — America, China, and every tinpot dictator in each patsy state on the planet, We, The People of the Internet have been busy plotting the perfect and most intellectual plans for the New World Order, which also happens to be the thing conspiracy theorists like me fear most. I’ve done tremendous research on this problem, and have logged untold thousands of hours on many different versions of Sid Meyer’s Civilization series.
The New World Order is a horror, of course, unless you happen to believe in Reparations for all Blacks in America, Gay Marriage, Legal Marijuana, Maximum Salaries, and Maximum Work Weeks. You want some hope? I’ll throw that in, but you’ve got to send me bitcoins.
That’s right! No one in America (Or our patsy semi-colonies!) will EVER work more than 20 hours a week. It’s a bitch when all these RedBoxes, McBoxes, and Combine Harvesters take the jobs of all our illegal immigrants and we have to start paying for their healthcare. But not anymore! No, No! We will have enough jobs even for the freeloaders and the tramps, and people will still be able to become unbelievably filthy fucking rich with a maximum yearly income of 5 million dollars. Sure, some people might say I want to unfairly tax the everliving shit out of those who bring in billions, but I don’t see it that way. They made it all on your dime! Think about it, we’ve been investing tax money into computers and robots for a hundred years in order to fight for freedom and defeat the Nazi Scum. We SHOULD be living in a Techno Utopia with Robots doing Everything! To HELL with Nazi-sympathizing billionaires who think that THEY should get ALL profit off of The Only God Damned GOOD war we’ve fought in a long time. We’re gonna invest it in robots, motherfucker! If you Vote for ME as president of the New World Order, which will surely follow the oncoming Revolution (I believe it was instigated by the Chinese! They’ve taken Snowden into their grips, and I’m afraid it’s too late for Obama. (We can’t fall into the grips of China. Trust me, I would prefer Prism to the Great FireWall ANY DAY.))
Armed militia groups have assembled in public spaces around the nation in response to totalitarian government surveillance.
WASHINGTON – Floods of concerned citizens around the nation are reporting the same chilling story: Convoys of military and paramilitary forces are arriving at Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) camps, which are capable of indefinitely interning a large proportion of American citizens. Militia groups have reportedly assembled in downtown Grand Rapids, N.D., at the Citadel patriot community in Benewah County, Idaho, and at least a hundred public spaces across the nation. Hundreds of protesters have gathered outside of the entrance to the access road leading to the deep-underground FEMA Mount Weather Emergency Operations Center. It is unclear whether this is a response to activation of FEMA camps, or if the FEMA camps activated in response to the assembly of these militias, who are likening themselves to an armed Occupy movement.
A spokesperson for the OccupyMilitia, as the spontaneous militarized protest movement has been dubbed, said, “We don’t want death or violence. We just want an end to totalitarian Internet surveillance, and we know from watching the Occupy protests that we need to be armed if we want to be heard.”
Citizens around the nation wait with bated breath as the inevitable conflict approaches, and for some the story has become too much to handle.
“We’ve had several suicides related to this NSA wiretap story,” said Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of Mercy Hospital in Cuthbert, Ga. “More are coming in by the hour as these FEMA stories spread. People are certain they will soon be sent to their death in these camps, especially those who already believe Obama is the Antichrist.”
Pope Francis grovels Thursday at the hairy feet of a sub-human Muslim girl.
Top Cardinals at the Vatican said Pope Francis is “taking that whole ‘respecting the smallest and least-fortunate’ joke a little too far.”
The move has the Vatican PR Department worried the public has finally caught on to Catholic efforts to paint the church as a sympathetic, non-child-fucking institution.
“That was supposed to be tongue in cheek, you know, to pacify the media. Now he’s washing the feet of a Muslim prisoner? This is just sick. It’s time to come on back inside, Mr. Pope, and wash your hands for a dinner of souls.” – Pope Handler Jacob Inglacius
Inglacius said he told the Pope to break tradition on the Hope and Fear campaign that launched President Obama into permanent dictatorship.
“We asked him to do some stuff the Pope would never do – you know, ‘Be Christlike!’ – and all that – but now I think the joke is on us. I think he wants us to look bad by acting so good. I mean, you know he’s not really like this, right? I’ve seen him play Euro Truck Simulator 2 14 hours straight.”
Chronicle religion expert Kilgoar Trout said the PR move comes as no surprise. The new Pope, Kilgoar said, is likely to go so far as take a positive stance on homosexuality – “How else is it ever going to be alright again for men of the cloth to fuck supple young altar boys?”
Pastor Hal W. Hubbard caresses an Eastern Diamondback rattlesnake.
Saddleback Mountain, VA — Pastor Hal W. Hubbard of the Pentecostal Church of Holiness outraged the nation Wednesday with statements denouncing traditional marriage and the sacrosanct status of fetal life. In a recent sermon, Hubbard said, “God’s children are killing this planet, and soon his creation will be trampled into a wasteland of dust and refuse by the unholy feet of devil-worshiping breeders. Those married to the opposite sex will burn in hell along with those women who refuse the sacrament of holy abortion.”
Pastor Hubbard is known for fiery snake-handling sermons and speaking in tongues, and reportedly changed his position on gay marriage during a mystical experience in which he was bitten by a copperhead. “God sunk his venom into my veins as punishment for preaching against his will. Gay marriage and abortion are the only way we can save this planet; what was once evil may now be our only chance at salvation.”
Some have drawn a parallel between Hubbard and Westboro Baptist’s Fred Phelps, as both preachers use radical polemics in order to popularize their seemingly satirical message. Hubbard was offended by such comparisons, “I ain’t ruinin’ anyone’s funerals or sending my family marching around like moron hippies with retard signs. I just listen to the snakes and the people speakin’ in tongues. I believe what I believe, and only gay marriage and abortion can save God’s creation now.”