Neighbors and ministers were startled by the appearance of Ashley Johnson, 17, in the Roanoke County First Baptist Church congregation Sunday morning.
With daring hairstyles and casual hoodies, Ashley challenges the age-old precept of blowhard Christian conformity.
Ashley fears society is losing faith in Christ as an alternative to the ways of Satan. Ashley said he is trying to make worshiping Jesus cool again. “I hope younger folks will see that cool people love Jesus, too. And why not? I mean, Jesus died for ours sins, and I think that’s pretty cool.”
“Life is sacred, and society seems to have forgotten that,” said Ashley, but asserted he is “still pro-choice, as long as women are being awesome by keeping their unborn fetus.” Ashley warned pregnant teens they must learn to deal with their choices to get pregnant by remaining pregnant.
“I want to show people you can give your heart to Jesus without conforming to society’s backward norms.”
In tandem with his newfound convictions, Ashley has given up dangerous drugs like beer and marijuana, and stopped having sex with girls, “Which is easy,” Ashley said, “if you just don’t start.”
Join me, and I’ll get you a new iPod.
Lord Jesus God
Ashley recently found Jesus after losing his iPod during a “bad trip” on marijuana. “But Jesus spoke to me,” he said. “[Jesus Christ] said, ‘Join me, and I’ll get you a new iPod.’”
Sure enough, Ashley said, Jesus Christ came through. Just four months after accepting Christ as his Lord and Savior, a man in his youth group offered the young boy his old, used iPod. “He said he didn’t need it anymore, so I could have it.” About six months later, Ashley said, the man brought him closer to Jesus than he ever thought was possible. And finally – after ten months of devoted, repeated forced religious practice in that man’s vehicle – Ashley received his free iPod, securing his faith in our Lord.
Ashley said he will continue to ward off Satan’s vices by remaining loyal to Apple products, and abstaining from secular music like White Stripes, and the Magnetic Fields.
“You can’t hold onto hate. I used to hate my abusers for what they did to me, and I hated people who took me away from God. But now I don’t hate anything, except for terrorists, really. And Islam.”
Anonymous has created a piece of software which partially automates the process of successfully achieving a YouTube partnership. Once an account has been approved, a sophisticated algorithm then finds the most popular videos and posts duplicate videos titled with a nonsense list of the most popular SEO terms. In many cases, these videos have received more views than the original material. A representative of Youtube told us, “YouTube has been able to keep this kind of activity suppressed in the past, but this new piece of software from Anonymous has completely overwhelmed us.” The millions received by Anonymous from this scheme is suspected to have been funneled into anti-copyright lobbyists in the form of bitcoin donations, but there is no way to know for sure.
#OpCopyrightThis, as it is known, also set up its own alternative to YouTube, AnonTube, which is hosted on cloud space rented from a Russian company that doesn’t ask questions. AnonTube features insane amounts of porn as well as Justin Bieber, Akon, and Kanye West music videos. An Anonymous source said, “We are setting up streaming network television shows and hope to stream every single cable channel in time.” This bold use of blackhat SEO combined with copyright theft and corporate advertisement is a remarkably ironic way to fight for freedom from the corporate tyranny of manufactured copyright authority.
One Anon said, “Bitcoin is just like Tor, you’re perfectly safe! Transaction invisible!”
Editor’s note: Stealing copyrighted material and selling corporate ads for its distribution is always a great activity, and I recommend it if you need a few bucks. The more people do it, the harder it will be to stop. Trust me, we need to lube our lobbyists up with cash and get them bribing elected officials if we want some change, and it’s not so hard when you just use bitcoins and put corporate ads on stolen copyrighted material. FINALLY, criminals like us, with millions of stolen dollars, can participate in the political process like a corporation!!!1 No one will know where the shit came from, and no one can fucking ever know! In fact, send the bitcoins to Chronicle.SU, and you can trust we’ll take care of the rest. Here’s our address: 18zJouAQAMzX5sJygZ4M2QV7yb8FzxSbdq Fractions of Bitcoins Welcome!
I, Joe Six Pack, pledge allegiance to the United States of America. In doing so, I equate the value of the dollar with my own salvation. Until the dollar is as strong – or weak – as my corporate masters deem suitable, I will not rest. O International Monetary Fund! Hath we never done no ill will toward you, yea, we seek austerity measures in your honor. We hath sacrificed health care in your honor. We hath compromised human rights, dignity and overall health in your name. Lo, how better can we serve you than to carpet your fine mahogany offices with the very skin of your most devout followers, so that each day you may trample upon our faces and we may taste with our own tongues your unending contempt for the consumers that built you. In Strauss-Kahn’s name, amen.
Leave comments below confessing your own Christlike love for Capitalism.
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Internet–Jamie Jo Corne, real life journalist and publicist for presstorm.com, tragically resorted to posting nude photographs of herself via flickr after church Sunday following a bout with bulimia and self-hatred.
Mr. Corne, the editor of cesstorm who goes by @vincubusdante, came up with the idea while collaborating with outside experts on the matter of manipulating search results to save face and suppress dissent. [LEAKED AUDIO BELOW]
Inside sources close to presstorm suggest editorial duties have fallen upon the ancient @vincubusdante because his babymachine is too busy providing milk to the sucklings to defend herself.
Using Murdoch-approved hacked phone records and coercion techniques, Chronicle.SU recovered the actual phone call taking place between Mr. Corne and the Internet Police:
Big new websites are springing up to say the same old shit, big old bad guys now look like mute Bill O’Reillys, and there are still serious problems so large in the political system, human injustices so glaring yet so daunting, no anonymous Twitter feed dare mention them.
Brace yourselves, kids, because I’m about to let you have it. Playtime is over and it’s high time you pulled your heads out of your asses now.
You kids are too stupid to acknowledge the host lest it legitimize the parasite. I’m talking about congressional vote selling, telcoms stealing your internet, campaign finance reform. Attack this shit, you pussies! God damn it, help the real world fucking change something! You can’t DDoS cash incentives. Of course, you won’t be DDoSing SHIT when Cox Communications caps your bandwidth but what do you know about that?
You like to pretend like you’re doing something so controversial your pathetic lives are actually in some sort of danger but you can’t stop anything meaningful, nothing truly sinister, from taking place – or else you really would have a gun stuck in your face at 4 a.m. but you won’t. Because the real world doesn’t fuck around, but you wouldn’t know anything about that either. So you prance around like a faggot in his mother’s underwear behind Twitter accounts, IRC networks, Gay Fawkes masks, and talk about how badass you think you are to 1,000 people doing the same thing.
That’s just your behavior, though. And I don’t care about any of your ideals because I can see plainly that you don’t either. You’re just not passionate about anything except #opBART only because you’ve made that “operation” more about your faggy “anonymous” movement than a boy being shot – than freedom of speech itself. Remember when protests were called protests and didn’t need gung-ho internet terminology attached to them to motivate the youth? Yeah, me either, because my generation’s never had a spine.
The only useful effort I’ve seen put forth by people calling themselves anonymous – that doesn’t appear to be some anarchistic impulse of provocation, that doesn’t appear to be juvenile nor embarrass me on your behalf, is the effort of @AnonMedics. Damn, that’s awesome. You better be glad somebody’s following you around, ready to pull you out of whatever trouble your juvenile delinquency gets you into. Because I sure as hell wouldn’t wipe your ass if you shat yourself at my protest.
Whether you’re #antisec or #prosec – nobody gives a fuck because to onlookers you are full of redfaced angry nerdrage that embarrasses anyone who ever thought there might be this mysterious behind the scenes hacker group making big things happen. Grayhats, whitehats, blackhats – all subjective terminology like ‘terrorist’ and ‘freedom fighter’ except the only people who give a fuck is you and your hapless victims.
Also, I thought you were anarchists? So then why is this pussy crying about an attack on the state? You kids are inconsistent, shameful failures.
Your sweeping general statements about politics and law are laughably reproducible. Your arguments sound like Monday’s Tea Party advertisement debate. Your “news sources” are masturbatory rantholes. Your process of d0xing the non-believers is reprehensible. Your work ethic is slovenly. Your web design skills make me frown and uhh, an Anonymous networking site? *snickers* Your writing skills don’t exist. Like Milhouse, your “movement” is a forced meme that gets you banned from 4chan, only faster.
Your movement is fake.
This article is part of Anonifeld – a series about nothing (Anonymous).
“You better watch out. She’ll lay that pussy on you.”
Drinking beers, sharing fears. Drunk and eager women splay themselves across me while the fire burns our legs. And I look into her eyes to find lust and distrust, and an attitude of despondency coupled with belligerence, if it feels good.
It’s open season on the American way of life. The FBI can safely and legally plant tracking devices on your car now. Until it goes to the Supreme Court, which it might never, it’s legal – even if “outlawed” it will go on. Who enforces the law? The criminal dogs that oversee us.
Fraudulence infects every facet of human behavior, life, and lies are the ethical way, so as not to hurt or dismiss another’s potential to suck you off.
Fuck this fake-ass charade, puppeteer conglomerate meltdown frenzy. Millions of Americans ready to work and can’t get shit off the ground. Credit bubble human enslavement crisis not only on the horizon but in our faces. In our blood, in our bank accounts, the freedom virus lives, breeds, counter intuitively thrives on your ignorance, and pattern of submission.
The government knows what you do, where you sleep. Get your cars checked out. If you’re trouble, then you’re watched. Of course, you’re not trouble. You just write stupid shit. Bomb shit.
If you write anything at all, which you don’t.
Empty notebooks stare back at you in a jealous fit, so eager to be full as you, and yet so blank and pathetic. Like you.
Anytown, USA–Elmo and his muppet friends are coming on PBS tonight at 8 pm, along with Katie Couric, who is best remembered for disguising her live colonoscopy on NBC’s Today Show as investigative journalism.
In tonight’s program, Elmo and Katie Couric (also a puppet) help very young people come to grips with death by accepting it as a never-ending facet of reality. The program is sponsored by Lockheed-Martin, the world’s largest manufacturer of war machines, and industry leaders of death.
Elmo and Katie will tell stupid people how to explain government-assisted death to children, as well as coping with sadness, fear and anger – but in such a way that does not necessarily challenge the status quo. For example, one should always fear terrorists, Elmo says, but not Father dying after being sent to fight them. As well, feelings of anger should never be allowed to crystallize into rage, because this is known to lead to convictions – and, later in life – anti-government attitudes.
The adorably dangerous Elmo is seen here friendly-fire-bombing American troops to help demonstrate actual loss, and how death can strike anywhere at any time, even “unintended” targets like children at an Afghan wedding.
Elmo helps families grieve
Of course, the above image is photoshopped. The burning corpse you see in Elmo’s imagination used to be a family man “in real life,” but now he is a hero. Elmo is a well-known and respected Patriot. And he helps families grieve.
BY GIVING THEM SOMETHING TO GRIEVE ABOUT.
That’s right, he really is firebombing your loved ones! This is because Sesame Street hates America and has systematically undermined her power-hungry, Emperial nature from the very beginning by propagating messages of non-violence and “understanding,” contradicting our actions overseas, and making us look weak before China and Mother Russia, outspoken violence advocates.
“At this point,” explained Admiral Mullen of the United States Army, “they may as well sabotage our new F22 Raptors, which if you’ll look behind me are– what the fuck? ELMO, NO!“
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- on the horizon.
You see, as information and people’s total alignment with the electromagnetic field of energy coalesce into a single vibrating consciousness pulsing through our bodies infinitely with every capitalistic wave of wi-fi signals, cell phone towers, satellites beaming Ellen down to Earth and the puncture-wound in the atmosphere which welcomes the Van Allen Radiation Belts to our front yard force us to face the fact that our thoughts are under control by a globally consciousness PR Director named Phil who knows about more than just your fucked-up diaper piss fetish.
Phil controls everything with the crossing of a single digitally-simulated local synapse. He does this millions of times per second, as he contemplates everything and the Way it is going to happen yesterday. Phil has played and beaten Civilization II on difficulty levels well-beyond God-like. He has mastered focused arithmetical computation on your inner space, which you left wide open through your soul. Phil owns you motherfuckers. What do you have to say?
Phil's heartbeat pulls blood into the atrium
When Phil closes his eyes, the Universe goes dark. When Phil’s heart beats, we instantaneously collapse and birth anew into a Big Bang. Phil’s heart will one day de-crystallize and stop beating. Omega’s constant value will bleed his heart dry and forever into ice, as the false vacuum of Phil’s inner-self evacuates into hyperspace, supplanting reality into a burned out image in the picture-tube of inter-universal unknown, a cluster of dead embers, ashes in the wind, dust in the clouds. Phil is dead. So were we.
The Universal Hivemind that keeps up with our tags and masters us in practice while we attempt to understand it in theory has no place being taught in our schools, and that is why we should vote down proposition number 327: The Abomination of the Human Mind with Roanoke County Schools at the forefront of this unique, and basically life-altering experimentation on the human species.
With no hand to guide us, we are left with only our spirit-bodies to explore the hypocrisy of intellectual starvation in America, faced with Krogers on the corner, the party line on the papers, and lies in the skies, against all odds, staring at ourselves and seeing the reflection of Corporate Breeding. We are a Generation of Swine, as Hunter once said to this reporter, and we’ve rooted in our feces until its perpetual congregation with the mud has contaminated lifeforce with the need-to-feed-on-Greed.
You’re welcome, you fucks. You finally got enough computers and enough electronics and gadgetry in your SUV and enough features and enough perks. And now we’ve poisoned the water-hole and there’s no turning back. Latch on to your withering testicles, and fuck the vapid whore of Capitalism.
I chose a life through which I knew I’d starve. I knew I’d have nothing. I knew I’d not be able to afford a wife, girlfriend, home or child. Somewhere along the line, I thought “I could be a doctor. I could be an astronaut! I could be a firefighter.” Nothing sounded like me, until somebody said, “Hey, you could be a writer!” So, I don’t operate on people, I don’t see Earth from space without the use of illegal drugs. I can barely afford rent, bills, student loans. I couldn’t afford to write these words if it cost a dollar. But they’re here, aren’t they? That’s what counts to me. I deal only with abstract, astronomical facts. So you can rest assured you’re reading the truth if you’re reading The Elf Wax Fucking Times, and we’ll even call your boss and tell him to go fuck himself, anonymously, on your behalf. Just shoot us an email – if you know how.
Now, all this writing and believing is good. But it sure sucks not having a high-def TV. You can get really easy headshots on Call of Duty 4 with one of those. And writing more doesn’t buy one. The Universe doesn’t care. Phil’s heartbeat won’t mind; quite the contrary, it doesn’t know you; it is more focused on your overall collapse and rearrangement. The UN simulation of ourselves doesn’t care, nor does our imagination of it. We are here, alone, watching it all burn together.
Enjoy your Apocalypse.
Roanoke, Va. – Sexting. We’ve all done it, or at least most of us have; and then we disseminate it throughout the internet so that geeks like you can share the glory, by passing it along to other geeks. Sexting is thought by scholars to be the first instance in human history where two people flirting around benefits the rest of mankind by spraying sets of nude pictures across the information superhighway.
“It ain’t all glory holes and slick-bottoms, though,” said Phillip Bernstein, Richmond-area sexter. Sexting has recently come under fire from the mainstream media who exploits it to gain ratings by selling to perverted America the very idea that there really are 13-year-old girls getting naked on camera somewhere, for someone. “How despicable,” the news anchors tell you. “How intriguing,” you actually think. Because you are a pedophile and you’ve gotten to this site by googling jailbate – a key term sure to be found in the tags section at the bottom of this article. The FBI are on their way.
Miley Cyrus advertises using sexting
But sexting, as everyone knows, is rooted in the regular text messaging feature put in place on all cell phones everywhere by loving cell phone “care”iers like Verizon and Sprint. And while having your girlfriend text you pictures is wonderful for everyone, sexting isn’t the only thing that makes paying $15 per month the biggest mistake a parent can make when raising his/her child – the whole text messaging lifestyle turns waterhead kids into flatline pets that trail behind you as if by some invisible leash.
Rare fact: it is the parents’ choice to pay for the text service. However oftentimes they will unknowingly buy text messaging with their plan; others think, “Heavens to The Grand Tits of Betsy! What happens if I get into a car accident, the vehicle flips over, and the steering wheel pinches my throat off so I can’t use my voice? Ah-HA! I will text Lassie!” Whatever failure of logic bleeds through their brains, all of these parents fail to make the sister choice to buying this service – “slapping that little bitch in the face when she turns into a whore.”
What I’m about to tell you is the story of the North American
There are little girls who trail behind mommy or daddy through Anytown, USA, staring down into their twiddling hands at what is without fail – without question – and without having to look: a cell phone.
They are oblivious to what is happening around them. “Honey, can you help me find 17 cents?” — “…huh?” I said, “We all want to take your melon head and smash it into a wall.”
“Wow! Given all the threats, I’d have to assume texting is useful, right?” Wrong. What usually takes 5 minutes via detailed, half-focused phone conversation can take all day using text messaging. But who cares? They are either texting guys or talking to other girls about guys. Regardless, everything these little bimbos are communicating is stupid and pointless. This is because nothing of value has ever been transmitted via text message.
“You’re pregnant.” Oh! Let me just text my husband.
“You have cancer and you have six months left to live.” Shit…I’d better shoot out a text so the family knows.
The ideal conversation I’d like to hear:
“Jenny, can you please stop talking with whoever about your rotten little pussy for long enough to pick out what you want to eat?” – “…what Mom? Oh…I see what you mean…”
Miley Cyrus Sexts The World on Google Images
One will never hear that talk, because parenting notoriously never takes place under the umbrella of reason. Consistently, stupid parents raise stupid girls with unnatural under-bites. Big knees. Ratty-looking hair that has been treated with so many chemicals, not even lice can grow in it. Although at one time, some probably did.
These girls, having built a fantasy world around themselves in which their opinions matter to others, have exceedingly naive perceptions of the real world – albeit most of them have an expert handle on conception itself. “This is as easy as laying on your back,” said sophomore Kimberly Thomas. This enveloping bubble-wrap of kaleidoscopic anti-reality breeds in developing young women a viral and slowly-evolving case of “Soccer Mom Syndrome” (SMS) whose symptoms include:
Fortunately for the rest of us, texting, and sexting moreover, makes retarded women sheeplike in your ability to herd their enfeebled minds around like dumb beasts using simple mental constructs and preconditions that play off laziness and convenience. Your stupid daughter is going to be so easily fuckable throughout her 20s. She’ll be so embarrassingly easily to nail that they’ll be cutting in on Chinese whores, and those whores will come cut her tits off for open-sourcing on their action.
That’s wonderful. But there is a downside to all this. Witness, if you have a moment, the following four-minute sequence of events in which a girl gets exactly what she deserves while texting in a car, but tragically imposes helpless strangers to suffer infinitely the hand of her stupidity, as some women are known to do three or four times in one day, often while texting:
Notice the girl’s first instinct following the crash was not to use the phone she just killed innocents with to call for help. She didn’t even try to text Lassie. Oh and hey – did you see that she was about to text meand tell me her friend wants me?
This is not a PSA – it is accidental, happenstance documentary footage of a young girl’s stupidity in real time. Critics of the viewpoint that the girl is stupid and killed people by texting fail to address that the conversation was working its way into sexting. She was texting a guy. Named James. “I think it was very brave of her,” said Crazy Pat, a full-time Verizon technician who was glued to the situation as it unfolded before him on his computer monitor. “So why’d they stop?” he later asked.
Fortunately for you, there are two solutions:
1) Abort daughters
2) Should choice 1 fail, begin slapping them as babies and do not stop until the redness of their skin somehow sends the message that texting is stupid, annoying, lame and pathetic. Should work.
More on this as we establish a live one-way video uplink with AIM user jo_baby_369.
Suicide is becoming a widely accepted solution to the problems facing America. If you or someone you know is threatening suicide, do your part as a friend. Encourage him/her to do the right thing. And pull the trigger, wussy.
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