axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Special Interest Trolling

INTERNET CHRONICLE ‘SLAMMIN SPIKES’ AFTER EPIC DEATH HOAX

INTERNET – Lebal Drocer, Inc. is proud to announce a new milestone in clickbait perfection: Last week’s death hoax, Rob Ford Dead At 46, netted a record 4 million pageviews overnight as the world flocked to confirm the truth about former Toronto mayor Rob Ford.

“We were slammin spikes last night when chronicle.su – with the aide of 4chan, our personal army – tricked the world into believing Rob Ford’s lifestyle had finally caught up with him,” kilgoar, The Internet Chronicle Managing Editor, said.

But when the public discovered mayor Ford is alive and well, they logged on to The Internet Chronicle to express disbelief and outrage.

Lil Wayne death hoax

CHRONICLE.SU ANTHROPOLOGIST AND REAL DOCTOR Dr. Angstrom H. Trustworthy weighed in on the celebrity death hoax phenomenon, explaining it as a kind of punishment laid out by trolls for the CAPITAL SIN of idolatry:

“The thing about these spikes,” Troubadele said, “is you get addicted. Addicted as fuck, even.”

Troubadong described the satisfaction Chronicle staff take from hoaxing as “an orgasmic rush of power and ego.”

Big hits, Troaddsmith said, are a euphoria that clouds his vision and leaves him with powerful headaches.

“When a hoax goes international, man, it’s like being wrapped in a warm blanket and talking to your best friend. It also makes you want to kill yourself because you work for years to create quality, wholesome content, only to find the public rushing like banshees after a piece of candy you dropped. You weaponize language like that because you want to see their celebrity worship hurt them.”

This article is part of an ongoing series known as Miley Analytics
This article is part of a series called Miley Analytics.

See also: Rob Ford holds numerous world records in the terror simulation game Coke Fiend 3.

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Trolling

Barrett Brown announces new Bit Train diesel therapy tour

barrett brown diesel therapy tour bit trainLebal Drocer, Inc. is proud to introduce the brand new Bit Train, which carries the Anonymous spokesperson long distances in a reformative practice called diesel chamber therapy. Adoring crowds welcome the train’s arrival with a warm chant of the enterprise:

What, did they get ya Barry?

Years in the slammer, for sharing a link!

What did you think?

Oh won’t you car-ry my Bit-coins a-way

Barrett “Good Guy” Brown is slated for new rounds of essential diesel therapy in the coming weeks. For good measure, he is not allowed to go near books, pens or paper. He gets leaflets of Fountainhead by carrier pigeon, a mysterious one-way line of communication from a sender unknown… Maybe just somebody watching out for him.

Check Ticketmaster for tour dates to see Barrett live in a town near you. That’s right, for one time only Barrett Brown will go on display LIVE (a spectacle of the mind and eye!) before adoring fans starting as early as next week. It is reported Rachel Haywire will attend a not-yet-released stop, as long as her okcupid date does not mind waiting outside with the engine running.

The Bit Train, powered by Brown’s denial, carries data – or “shares links” – in the form of national security cables, serving a dual purpose of imprisoning Brown and furthering surveillance.

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Trolling

Anonymous strikes back against new Papa John’s Pizza website

The Papa John's Pizza portal site faces intermittent downtime as Anonymous attacks escalate.
The Papa John’s Pizza portal site faces intermittent downtime as Anonymous attacks escalate.

INTERNET – When news leaked of a controversial nondisclosure agreement forbidding Papa John’s employees from discussing anything that isn’t work-related, the mainstream hacker collective calling itself Anonymous has stepped up to defend the free speech rights of all Papa John’s employees by orchestrating a series of DDoS attacks and SQL-injections against the Papa John’s website.

The site has gone offline and come back several times throughout the day, signaling a call-and-response between Papa John’s elite group of cyber warriors and the rebel group Anonymous.

An anonymous employee, who asked not to be named out of fear of losing his job, said the gag order prevents him from discussing his work conditions outside of work.

“You can’t talk about the nondisclosure agreement without violating the nondisclosure agreement,” the employee said, “so you will get fired if they found out you talked about it.”

He said the agreement signifies a larger band of paranoia running through the usually stoned and placid pizza industry: a fear of unionized labor.

“The rules were always in place but they didn’t start enforcing them until some of us started talking about a worker’s union like they were trying to do over at McDonald’s.”

IRC chatlogs show online pizza orders placed by members of Anonymous to one of “Papa’s” many houses. The act of ordering unsolicited pizzas, Chinese take-out and other delivery is known colloquially to the group as “pizza-bombing.” This militant act of gastronomical aggression, combined with a cybcerattack on “Papa’s” website is only just the beginning, says the mainstream hacker collective group.

Here is the site currently under attack:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjhzXDDXt74

Papa John did not respond to numerous, repeated requests for comment. His public relations department did, however, refer The Internet Chronicle to a section of the nondisclosure agreement that shows they are not permitted to talk about the nondisclosure agreement. That staff, we later learned, have been fired and are currently unemployed.