RICHMOND–The Elf Wax Times hits the streets in an explosive new Fall reality series that GETS YOU HIGH with Willy Q, unemployed, where you’ll hear his thoughts on Led Zeppelin, experience his nightmares of Eastern Europe, and shoot the peace sign, which is actually the middle finger where he’s from. Pack a bong and tell the kids: WILLIAM LOVES THE SHIT OUT OF SOME FUCKING LED ZEPPELIN on an all new season of HATE.
G-20, TORONTO– The police stand on the far side of a chain-link fence, waving their guns and batons for attention. They shout pro status quo slogans in an attempt to start a conflict with the amazingly organized protesters. Diana Lauder gives marching orders, and the protesters fall in step with more loyalty than Hitler’s secret police.
“We just want to keep them under control,” Lauder said. “If they begin to use threatening force, we will not hesitate to go straight to our contingency plan, to sit in the grass with our legs crossed, hold up a peace sign, and be shot with rubber bullets and teargas.”
Protesters menacing helpless crowd police
One witness to the violence said the protesters’ abuse of authority was “dehumanizing…completely.” The G-20 protesters systematically violate the civil rights of well-meaning riot police to peacelessly assemble and resist forwardly.
The Canadian government just passed a law in 2007 that said protesters have the right to assemble, so in fairness, protesters count on the police officers to activate a law from 1939 that gives them extraordinary powers under vague circumstances.
“Oppression is, after all, built into the framework, so it’s our job to see to it the rights of police officers are upheld; the right to trample innocent bystanders and shoot them with gas-powered weapons,” said area hippie and peace enthusiast Alistair Robin Rowntree.
The protesters, in spite of their insatiable thirst for violence, face uncertainty too. They are up against people “with a natural aversion to violence,” warned Elf Wax social scientist Akhmed Karzai, so without warning or provocation, the protesters may be forced to attack unwitting riot guards.
Law specialist Bernie Hedriff of The Royal Canadian Mounted Police said,
“Police officers have traditionally constituted the highly-respected, intellectual elite of secondary schools everywhere, known to keep themselves educated on current events and eager to take part in the democratic process; whereas your average political protester is usually some ignorant underachiever who got picked on in school for being dumb and now craves control. This much, we all know,” explained Hedriff. “What is not well known, however, is these peace officers who work as riot guards near political functions – they’re left with no choice but to apply the law, which states that as long as violence is occurring somewhere in the city, they may – no, they must – use excessive force on those around them, especially on the frontlines of the gray area between civil rights and civil disobedience, where examples must clearly be made.”
So, really there are no rights at all, giving the police exactly the kind of protection they need from the oppressing protesting.
Draconian laws allow civil rights to assembly and free speech to be trampled underfoot, and protesters are outnumbered in some situations by three to one, so even in spite of their docile nature, it is difficult to keep the glacial movement of the riot guards in place. Perhaps more obscurely, David Icke, Lizard-Overlord historian and philosoholic, recommends protesters use lizard-repellent, because “The police hate it,” he said.
“I do not believe that the individuals bent on vandalism and violence in our city have finished with their intent, so we will remain vigilant,” Toronto Police Chief Bill Blair said Saturday night.
Of the police, said one protester standing guard, “These criminals rely on the anonymity of hiding in a larger group of the curious and the naive.”
Fences protect freedom by caging it in
The riot police and summit leaders behind them are in such great danger that a giant fence was erected to protect their freedoms.
Toronto police said the fence was not breached Saturday.
In response to the impenetrable wall of freedom, protesters torched police cars, broke windows, and bravely vandalized everything in sight, effectively crippling the riot guards, citywide. Our prayers go out to the uniformed victims of protest-abuse in Toronto.
“Fuck you, I won’t do what ya tell me.”
-Riot police, to voters
Behind closed doors, world leaders gathered at the G-20 Summit to discuss the global financial crisis, and how to ease global debt – or at least find a common lie to agree on.
So far, the plan is to finally reveal the all-encompassing pattern of human enslavement across the global third-world plantation, reducing the overhead cost of hiding it.
Washington, D.C.–Tyler Bass reports from the 13th floor of the National Press Club as Wikileaks releases a video that allegedly proves a cover-up effort on behalf of the Pentagon, which says the actions of the soldiers involved were in accordance with the rules of engagement. The engagement occurred in 2007.
“The video, shot from an Apache helicopter gun-site, clearly shows the unprovoked slaying of a wounded Reuters employee and his rescuers. Two young children involved in the rescue were also seriously wounded.”
“Come on, let us shoot!” “Sweet!” “Patoosh!” “Nice missile.”
Moments ago, during the State Department’s daily briefing, State Department Spokesperson P.J. Crowley declined to comment on the video, saying that he had yet to see it.
Julian Assange, editor of Wikileaks at this morning's press conference
Julian Assange, wikileaks editor spoke.
Here’s what happened:
The video footage is from a guy floating around in a helicopter, Crazyhorse One-Eight.
A Reuter’s cameraman, Namir Noor-Eldeen, lay dying in the street, he was 22. A van approaches to help him.
The Reuters cameraman is clearly unarmed.
He looks at the helicopter and sees it right as it begins firing. He tries to run away but when he darts away the gunner follows him, circling the building.
Wikileaks' Assange looking on, Apache helicopters fire into a crowded Baghdad neighborhood, pilot "Crazy Horse" lamenting out-of-view carnage.
Innocents were in this crowded neighborhood that Crazyhorse One-Eight was firing down into, without regard for the possibility of chipping off pieces of this building and harming innocents who were walking all around it. The 30mm cannon levels a building with its gunfire, so this is a very real possibility. He sees the Reuter’s cameraman who is clearly not holding a weapon and has been pierced already by 30mm cannon-fire. Crazy Horse One-Eight can be heard begging him to pick up a weapon.
It’s really obvious it wasn’t a gun. He’s begging him to get a weapon for an excuse to shoot him – rules of engagement.
“That’s just one dude,” Crazy Horse One-Eight, “He’s fucking nuts,” according to our correspondent.
One guy in the video did have an RPG but he’s not pointing it at the helicopter and isn’t the main focus of the leaked footage, although his presence creates tension.
The military said the cameraman wandered into crossfire, a claim refuted by this leaked video evidence.
Saeed Chmagh, the van's driver
Tyler Bass said, “When the helicopter started firing, nobody was shooting anybody. So did Amir, the photographer, duck into the crossfire? No.”
The military originally reported six murders, which did not include the photographer. The real number is “over a dozen,” according to Assange. Over twice the official figure.
The story continues:
The second incident follows the cameraman. Essentially they chase some guys into the building and collapse it with gunfire, with bystanders walking around outside of it. “They want permission to engage, obviously not paying attention to what is going on – they don’t know who they are, they don’t give a shit,” Bass reported.
The widow of murdered Reuters employee Saeed Chmagh, whose daughter has had her stature affected by a helicopter attack whose brutality was disclosed this morning.
A van, driven by a 40-year-old Saeed Chmagh, was under surveillance in a nearby neighborhood, and came to the injured photographer’s aid. Two children were in the van. One man with an AK-47 was associated with the van although the Pentagon originally reported five guns, not one [it should be noted that many non-militant individuals carry AK-47s through hostile territory for personal protection]. Two men try to help the photographer into the van, but the gunner can be heard begging for permission to shoot them.
Crazy Horse One-Eight is the offender here. Two series of shootings were discussed.
“In total what’s surprising about this is people who fire that way don’t face immediate consequences unless something like this comes out,” Tyler Bass said in a cell phone report.
They haven’t been brought out of a combat situation; this gunner’s intentions were clearly malicious; he treated it like a videogame, begging to kill.
Assange said there are good people in the military who need to speak up more on these issues.
Son of Reuters Saeed Chmagh's orphaned son's injuries from 30 mm Apache fire. As evidenced by footage released by Wikileaks this morning, his attacker begged for the chance to fire on the van which his father had stopped to collect an injured colleague.
This whole exposé was possible thanks to Baghdad Reuters confirming details they have. Wikileaks got those kids’ medical records. There was footage of soldiers running with these children; later our military handed them over to the Iraqi hospital, where they received inferior medical treatment, even though the military did this to them. “The guy in the van was just trying to help somebody, loading up the cameraman,” Bass reported as the video rolled before his eyes.
“It was really hard to watch, just really awful,” our correspondent said.
Assange produces a quote wherein one of the soldiers said they couldn’t approach in humvees because of all the bodies. But one of the guys in the helicopter actually laughs when he sees that the younger employee’s body has been run over.
“It’s really shocking, the man’s disregard for basic human dignity,” said Bass, our correspondent. “It’s not surprising at all that the Pentagon has waited this long to release the footage.”
In the video that they show, the guys in the chopper say that he shouldn’t have brought his kid into a battle. Crazyhorse One-Eight knew he shot a kid.
The children were turned over to Iraqi officials, a shirking of responsibility for what the military did to them.
Chmagh's little boy's injuries
The photojournalist’s death was not reported until Reuters demanded an investigation.
The number of dead originally reported was false and did not include the photographer.
Crazyhorse One-Eight was not punished, even though he violated rules of engagement.
The most important thing about Apache pilot “Crazy Horse” is that preferring insurgent kills not captures violates stated policy.
“He fucking laughed. Why is the guy who laughs at bodies being run over operating the machine gun? There is just a basic existential question there obviously some people involved in this didn’t want you to ask about the idea of this guy laughing at all of this. Frankly, the hiding of this for this amount of time is an expression of sympathy with this very sadistic individual.”
Chmagh's little girl is now shorter as a result of the attack. Assange reported that it has changed her stature
Internet, U.S.A.– According to youtube, Elf Wax’s most reliable source, internet fucksation Chris Crocker is on the market for a boyfriend (and a job).
He’s holding a self-serving youtube contest to obtain the more pathetic of these. Elf Wax entered, but we haven’t heard back. Well, put on your Wax Goggles and get a load of this guy:
Almost needless to say, Chris Crocker did not choose him, even though this entrant said Crocker “sets a good example.” Regardless, he “means business,” and “will hurt somebody who tries to hurt [Chris Crocker].”
REVIEW: This video is to the point and strikes adoration relentlessly into your heart. Chris Crocker, if you don’t want him, Elf Wax’ll have him.
-The Elf Wax Times staff (especially the gay staff)