Depression

I think it’s springtime, but I’m not sure. The weather forecast is three days of rain at fifty degrees. My forecast only goes out three days, so it could be more than that.

I was thinking about the holocaust, Judas sampler when four priests approached me to explain the sins of our fathers on a rainy street corner. They said he’d give me eternal life if I just repent, and I told them that’s not long enough. Of course, I don’t buy their lies anyway. It’s cheaper to think alone.

I mean drink alone. That’s what I do, maybe an unequal amount of either. Of course, then again, we all know the truth about alcohol. What makes us forget is the reason we want to forget anything at all.

Demon poison! My only issue sometimes is that I wake up, that I can’t drink myself into an eternal slumbering stupor. Just forced to suck in the rain, the grayness and fog when I wake up at 8 p.m. and my body wants to watch TV and my mind craves the Internet and neither are satisfied by the actions of the other and I can’t drink anymore and there’s only a bit of weed left before I run out and my paychecks aren’t deep enough to sustain this habit. I may just move out. Live in the truck.

Just a fantasy. I can’t live in a vehicle. I enjoy private restrooms too much.

And then I’m back to where I started. God damn. I can’t deal with it much longer. I feel like I’m going to go crazy, man. Literally crazy, like madness and all.

I suffer from a genetic malaise of general complacency, a lack of desire to come up any higher than I am – not desire, but will. The right, or rather the wrong, instincts to drive forward instead of parking to nap. Drive, always driving. When I get in that mindset I am all gears turning. The next day, one turns. Some days, no turning at all. Some days, only depression. Others, mania. Up and down, I go back and forth and I used to think writing my way in and out of these problems was both cause and solution but I see now it’s a condition that follows me always. I will never make it out alive. Never.

I have to! But I won’t.

People die, dreams undone – will that be me? Is it already? Who am I? Who wasn’t I?

Jesus God! Will it ever end? This depression, I want only to sleep. I crave peace and comfort, warmth and tranquility. I need her shoulder back to lie on, where I felt so strong without it, but when I had it – now there is only weakness.

For all the money in the world I would give up to live the life of subtle zen, of marijuana and videogames and rejecting good sex because I was more obliged to my sloth-like tendencies from which I now suffer endlessly. I am just tired and weak nowadays, like a sickness has grabbed a hold of me and wants to make me its bitch.

How can I work around it? How will I come out of it?

I need a nap.

22 comments to Depression

  • Geo

    I have a strange feeling that this wasn’t about you, Brutus.
    That may be due to how much I can relate with it..
    Complacency, indifference..

    • Neo

      Depression is a healthy emotion, because it forces us to confront complacency and indifference.

      • Geo

        confront it? ya, no. you’re going to have to explain such rash claims if you expect people to believe what you write.
        Depression makes me indifferent to my complacency. I’m starting to stop caring about how little I care.
        Ya know what a real healthy emotion is? Happiness, love, appreciation, sometimes even indifference is healthy, but depression? no

        • A great videographer of this website once told me that depression is an important emotion because it allows him to feel new things. I won’t use his name because he is careful about his connection to us, but there is a new video coming soon. The best we’ve ever released.

          Geo, just enjoy your complacency while it lasts because sooner later you’re going to have some nasty shit knocking at your door. It won’t be soon, but eventually, life’s gonna suck a big old dick and you’ll be just fine.

          Live fast, die young is our motto. I wouldn’t expect any different from you. I know that eventually you’ll join our ranks, but there will be a world of change before that.

          Live well.

          • Geo

            Life already sucks, i’m just ridin the waves, tryin to stay high, and tryna get paid. I have a plan, it may not be great, and i’ve been in your ranks, nigga i keep the gate.
            I don’t front like life is amazin, it only is when me and my bitch are blazin. I don’t give two shits about this fucking college, i’m the greatest so bow down and pay me some homage.
            Honestly though, i do have a goal, I wanna bring peace to the middle east while high on some dro. I can talk to anyone, i’ve shown some people the light, but i hate everybody i hung out with tonight.
            enough rhyming, we freestyle a lot here..
            In regards to your ranks, my plans are too immense. without college, i’m not sure how any of them will accomplished. but i’m past that point. I’m failing every class and over thanksgiving break i have to tell my mom i’m coming home after this semester, as a college drop out. I also think i’m sick, very sick.
            My plan is to get a job, maybe two, room with my only true friend in this world, and one other i can tolerate. From there i plan on saving money and returning to college when i know what i want to do. Problem is college is expensive, and both of my parents are broke. my mom knows how to save, but not how to stop spending. my dad is a career junkie and spends the money he doesn’t use on his 2 bedroom rent on weed and pills.
            Is his life any worse than a college graduate making six figures? In the short term, in a very focused, up close view of life, yes, his way is much worse. But in the grander scheme i still feel nothing really matters. I may sell weed from my apartment to supplement my college fund.

            Now James, I’m going to tell you something you already know, just to confirm it. I’m scared.
            that’s it for now. drink another beer, light another blunt, pretend everything is great cuz thats the only way i can stunt. holla

          • Geo

            and i spared you the nasty shit already at my door

  • UnconTROLLable

    There is psych meds for this kind of shit, just saying. Or you could just kill yourself now if you cannot afford the prescription haha, need help, I am a supporter of assisted suicide :)

  • Jne

    I wish you peace. This is very moving…. no pun intended.