SHOENICE

shoenice22 300x156 SHOENICE

AWESOME

EATS WTF EVER

___

Thursday– Shoenice, who released a new video every hour and updated his Facebook wall an average of twenty two times per hour, has just eaten one entire can of Crisco, two tablespoons of BBs from a gun, and a whole bottle of cinnamon. After crusading for Facebook followers, YouTube subscribers, and even Skype friends, Shoenice proceeded to play peekaboo to an audience of three hundred people who have only just met him and not yet realized he is the human trashcan that eats everything.

Shoenice is a nice man on a nice mission to save his nice children from poverty by becoming rich and famous on youtube, and since you read it here, that means it is working out alright. Except that his body has become a steady pipeline of hate.

SHOENICE22 is willing to eat almost anything, and makes a point of eating everything as quickly as possible. He does not seem to fear cancer-causing agents, and will eat anything short of heart-stopping medicine. Shoenice never blinks, because he once put super glue in his eyes and that is how real men cope with divorce. He is constantly rerencing the riches his fame is about to bring him. As of this exact moment, his videos top quadrillions of views, surpassing all other YouTube videos in number of hits. The Chronicle anticipates the trials of Shoenice will soon be picked up by network television and sponsored by US war machine manufacturer Lockheed Martin.

“Hell yeah, I’d watch that shit. It would be like Fear Factor without the fear.”

Viewer

While facts demonstrate Shoenice is the greatest thing TV never built, detractors claim he “suffers” from an ”extreme” case of Pica, exacerbated by the attention he gets on the internet. Shoenice, however, claimed he does not suffer from Pica and iterated Pica is not something he can eat and therefore does not exist, except only in theory. Shoenice bills himself as a comedian, filling his videos with wisecracks but at the same time sprinkling in clever allusions to his personal problems such as his recent divorce.

“He has a great personality. And a divorce.”

-Concerned Viewer

“HERE COMES SHOENICE TO EAT YO MOFO SCREEN BITCHES. AND HE’S THERE. IT IS AWESOME. WHENEVER I CLICK HTTP://YOUTUBE.COM/USER/SHOENICE22 I GET THE EYES FULL OF JOY AND A RAGING KILLER BONER.”

-Stoned Viewer

Shoenice has been in the comedy eating game for a long time. In one video, he recalled eating many Tampons as a young boy and later during high school. “It opened up in my throat like an umbrella, and when my mom was yanking on that string with my head between her legs, she knew she gave birth to something special.”

SHOENICE WILL YOU PLEASE EAT A VIDEO OF YOURSELF EATING A VIDEO OF YOURSELF PLEASE? I DONT KNOW HOW YOU WOULD DO THAT BUT YOU ARE CREATIVE AND CAN SURELY THINK OF SOMETHING.

-Desperate Viewer

After reviewing tapes of the acts, Chronicle Legal Aide and Psychoanalytic Analyst Jeff Shepard concluded Shoenice is not a danger to himself or society, but added “Shoenice is quite charming in a disturbing way, causing viewers laugh their ass off while being completely and utterly nauseated beyond belief. Strangely, Shoenice appears to almost always wear the exact same shirt and baseball cap, covering the shame of his bald head while highlighting his beautiful, nonfunctioning eyes.”

420 friendly 300x139 SHOENICEShoenice loves drugs, which is nice. We would do any amount of cocaine with this man and most of us don’t even like cocaine. Meanwhile he could enlighten us to the consequences of giving oral sex to an underage girl with a yeast infection.

Works Cited





71 comments to SHOENICE

  • NOW THAT WE ALL FULLY UNDERSTAND.. CHRONICLE.SU IS THE LAW.. IF YOU GET IN SHOENICE’S WAY TO STOP WORLD HUNGER WE WILL RUN YOU OVER LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN.. A TSUNAMI .. KIDS ARE DYING AND YOU PEOPLE ARE LOSERS.#TRUTH.. AND ANY JURY WILL HELP ME RUN YOU OVER AFTER DAYS OF TESTIMONY .. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA ..YOU ARE MY SHEEP

  • Anonymous

    Shoenice is awesome, he does standup comedy, and makes youtube videos. That does not give you the right to bitch and moan about everything he does people who are doing so.

  • Truth

    Listen to your self. You sound like everything I said you were. And maybe YOU better be careful. Because the threats YOU just maid are a CRIME. And you never stopped to consider what I do for a living did you? Typical for some one like you. Maybe we should look into these threats a little more closely. Glad I have the screen shot of the comment. Im glad the owner of this website can be subpoenaed to testify in a court of law. Trying to use intimidation on people expressing their opinion now huh? We will have to see about that. Your not to bright. Just like I said. You picked the wrong guy moron.

    • PLEASE COME PIUCK UP YOUR MOM..HER OPUSSY STINKS AND YOU STARTED THE SLANDER..PLEASE SUE ME PUBLICLY..IT WILL GET ME VIEWS !!

      • Truth

        Once again, your lack of comprehension, and education is amusingly apparent. I’m not talking about suing you. The threats you just made are a CRIME. That’s NOT a civil a suit. Its a criminal one. You really are a moron. You never stopped to think about who you may have been talking to, or what I do for a living, because your a fool. And fools never do. That’s why they always wind up getting them self into trouble. You threatened the wrong person. I would watch your mouth and mind your manners when you speak to people, especially because your not doing ANYTHING to any one. The federal and state government knows who you are, and where you are, and you are not above the law. If you commit a crime, threaten some one, or use intimidation, you WILL be held accountable for your actions regardless of how stupid you are. When you commit a crime you will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Ignorance is not an excuse in a court of law. And trust me, in jail, they dont like dead beat dads… And they certainly aren’t guna take it easy on you for being a fat drunk idiot who thinks hes a celebrity. So keep that shit up.

        • Kilgoar

          Don’t worry, I’ve removed the threats. How does Shoenice know who you are? Have you been cyberstalking him? Has he been cyberstalking you?

          • Truth

            Another fool. If you read, you will see that I have a screen shot. And that doesn’t even matter. Because a legal Subpoena to the admin of this website will get any all content, before and after you edited the comment, and it can be used in a court of law. Also, I’m sure the fact that you tried to change it will also be a particular point of interest.

            How does he know who I am? He doesn’t. And that’s the point. He should watch his mouth when hes talking because he DOESN’T know who hes talking to. So when he attempt to use intimidation over the internet, and blatantly, and foolishly advertises his intent to commit credit fraud, its a CRIME, and a foolish one at that. So when I come here to express my opinion, which is what the comment section is FOR, thats what I am doing. Who would ever waste time stalking a moron like this? He simply just picked the wrong guy to threaten on the internet, running off at the mouth like a big shot. Maybe you should use your head next time and have some respect when you talk to people instead of threatening people, using intimidation, and blatantly advertising the desire to commit a felony.

            • Kilgoar

              We only follow Soviet Law around here. The people’s law. We’re the proletariat, and we’re in charge. Get out of here with your bourgeois threats-on-threats-on-threats. We don’t like the bourgeois. We’ll gladly send you all proof that these threats were made towards “you,” an unnamed person who Shoenice couldn’t possibly harm, much less contact, based on your interaction here.

              • Truth

                I’m done with this. Its petty, and taken up far to much of my time. My only point was, he shouldn’t make threats to commit a crime under US law, as a US citizen, under which HE CAN be prosecuted. I made no threats. He did. I simply informed him of the law. That’s all. Peoples rights to express them self should be honored. Otherwise there shouldn’t be a comment section. I have no intention of seeing any prosecuted. I was merely illustrating a point. And now that’s its understood, its over.

            • OMG….FUCKING HAWAII FIVE NO OVER HERE..ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME..I STATED THE FACT THAT ”IF” YOU GET IN MY WAY I WILL RUN YOU OVER…WITH MARSHMELLOWS BAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAA ….POLICE WHO GET REPORTS, WHIUCH HAVE BEEN WAAY WORSE THEN THIS.. CALL ME AND SAY CHILL AND THEN THEY ALL WATCH MY VIDS.. FROM THE FBI TO THE EMT’S ..THEY ALL LOVE SHOENICE

          • Truth

            I misinterpreted what you said. I have not problem with you Kilgoar. I am just saying, this guy should have some respect and not run around making threats. Thats all. Im done with this.

        • GO GET LAID DOUCHEBAG..STILL TALKIN ?? YES. YOU HAVE NO LIFE

        • HAHAHHAA.. WATCH TV THIS MONTH..AND WHEN YOU SEE ME ON THERE YOU WILL REALIZE THAT I AM AN UNSTOPPABLE FORCE..AND I AM SUIING YOU FOR SLANDER AND LIES BECUZ MOST OF MY HATE ON THE INTERNET IS DONE BY A KID I HIRED 2 YEARS AGO .. HE IS THEW MASTERMIND BEHIND THE SHOENICE TROLLS AND IP ADDRESSES IN COURT WILL PROVE THAT.. NOW ITS WAKE AND BAKE TIME SO COME PICK UP YUR MOM !!!!!

  • HOLY FUCK !!! PEOPLE STILL CRYING OVER THE CUNTS OF KOTW !! NEVER MET SO MANY HOES. DOUCHEBAGS AND LITTLE PENCIL PENIS’S

  • HEY TRUTH..NOT THAT YOU ARE DONE WITH YOUR PULITZER PRIZE ESSAY..COME PICK UP YUR MOM..I AM THROUGH WQITH HER AND HER PUSSY SMELLS LIKE BAD TUNA….RECOGNIZE THAT CHRONICLE.SU OWNS THE INTERNET AND I AM THEIR FUCKING SLAVE !!!! MUHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA

    also i have a weeping pussy

    • Truth

      Listen to your self. You sound like everything I said you were. And maybe YOU better be careful. Because the threats YOU just maid are a CRIME. And you never stopped to consider what I do for a living did you? Typical for some one like you. Maybe we should look into these threats a little more closely. Glad I have the screen shot of the comment. I’m glad the owner of this website can be subpoenaed to testify in a court of law. Trying to use intimidation on people expressing their opinion now huh? We will have to see about that. Your not to bright. Just like I said. You picked the wrong guy moron.

    • Truth

      You think it matters that you changed your comment? Have you ever heard of a screen shot? But more importantly, do you know that a legal Subpoena to the owner of this site and server will reveal all of the content that has transpired, before and after you changed your comment? Apparently you don’t. Why? Because your a moron.

      • Kilgoar

        The comment was edited by the editor for wrong statements about who runs the internet and for overt threats towards a person named “Truth” with a capital T. You can’t make threats against a pseudonym anyway, dummy. What’s bad is when you come here and act like you own the place ’cause yer some stinkin trash eatin’ celebrity.

      • PUT THIS IN THE REPORT TOO …FUCK THE POLICE !!!!!