The Internet Chronicle

Fascist Zune Conspiracy Exposed

Kilgoar — Mon, 20 May 2013 03:28:50 +0000

The Zune Reset Management Tool has been wiped from Microsoft Servers because hackers used it to subvert Digital Rights Management (DRM) built into its devices. DRM is known by libertarian software activists as “defective by design” because Zune software removes tracks without alerting the user.

This Reset Tool was the last recourse for struggling people who owned files which had not been purchased and certified by Microsoft and their menacing Copyright overlords paying them off to code this living hell.

Now forced up against a wall and facing a prison-house of incomplete audio lectures and novels, Zune owners gnash their teeth and beat their breasts as they are denied their own files with purposefully defective software lorded over the great media serfdoms. It didn’t used to be this way, kids. Back in my day, even Microsoft made media players and not media empires. Well, them days are long gone, but some folks out there still make media players that actually work, and if’n they cain’t get their tracks to play in order at least they’re all still there and not stolen from ye by hidden software hegemons acting like computer glitches to drive you into a rage which is the penalty for your non-compliance with their evil and insane wish for total power over your every scrap of media.

Lebal Drocer’s new Media player from Your Anonymous Industries features a small color OLED display and easily-locked buttons that don’t go off with the slightest feather-like touch — and if they do it features a NEW undo button! It’ll play any goddamn file because to hell with paying off the dicks who want royalties for file conventions. We’re an open source tool for educational use only!

Rihanna Illuminati imagery sparks controversy

Kilgoar — Sun, 19 May 2013 22:41:57 +0000

“When you open your mind you allow demons to take over.”

INTERNET — The April and Wayne Show has revealed the true meaning behind Rihanna’s hit pop song Diamonds, which draws heavily on biblical imagery and is indicating the path to Buddha-Consciousness with the lyrics like, “Shine bright like a diamond,” and “I knew that we would become one right away.” April and Wayne have strained to translate this Rihanna song into eastern religion because, it seems, more and more young people are becoming Buddhists and leaving their churches behind. Rihanna is only invoked to reach out to a young audience of YouTubers who accidentally click on the video hoping for music, but what they find is creepy bass strings interposed with Rihanna’s pop backing a fast-pace authoritarian voice rattling off proof that Buddha-Consciousness is, in fact, Lucifer-Consciousness. “Meditation is also emptying your mind,” and according to the video, “When you open your mind you allow demons to take over.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador Rinpochet, a living reincarnation of the Padmasambhava, said, “This video did not offend me at all, and if people are afraid of demons then they probably should not meditate.”

Jevohan D. Barnes, rap artist, fights to uphold the good name of the Illuminati in the hip-hop world.

Continued interaction with aspiring hip-hop talent on Twitter reveals two camps: Pro-Illuminati and Anti-Illuminati. In hip-hop mythology the Illuminati not only control the levers of global power, but also and most importantly manage the rise and fall of famous artists. The Anti-Illuminati seem to espouse a wider range of viewpoints than the Pro-Illuminati, whose tweets are often mystical and heavily influenced by eastern spiritual traditions. One Pro-Illuminati rapper known as Jevohan D. Barnes posted a video of an ecstatic peak experience which was triggered by sight of a near hashtag formed by chemtrails a day after a much better “tic tac toe.” Anti-Illuminati artists, on the other hand, are as often xenophobic as transcendent, but it is among this camp where the most expressive social criticism and self-reliant gangsterisms are to be found in the vein of rap legend Tupac’s “Killuminati” and “Makaveli” albums.

America Heralds Permanent War

Hatesec — Sun, 19 May 2013 04:34:40 +0000

Michael Sheehan demonstrates how he holds the puppet strings.

The War became permanent Friday after senior Obama administration officials said they have “no intention” of “ever stopping” the hugely successful ‘War on Terror.’

Assistant Defense Secretary Michael Sheehan said they are “pre-emptively” calling any future administration that tries to stop the Authorization for Use of Military Force (AUMF) “treasonous” for aiding whoever the enemy is by then.

“We don’t know who in the shit we want to shoot at next, but by God I hope to hell it’s some Jihadi-ass sand people,” said Sheehan, adding, “I don’t fuck with no Russians.”

Sheehan warned against any future acts of Congress or government that dare to try and stop the permanent war before it is over.

“We have gone forward with legislation that automatically detains any leader, indefinitely, who tries to end this horrifying, successful permanent war policy,” Sheehan said.

Sheehan was stupefyingly candid with reporters Friday, saying the war has already become so profitable for his friends, it would be “a death wish” to American freedom of flow of capital into his pockets to end it too soon.

“We are hesitant to put a timetable on the War on Terror. I don’t know if terrorism is EVER gonna go away—not while it’s profitable, anyway,” said Sheehan.

Sheehan said he no longer fears retaliation from a culture he describes as being “indoctrinated” into the police state from early childhood on up.

“Your faggot kids are worse than you CNN-watching couchtards,” said Sheehan. “I mean, they’re too afraid now to even skip class, and that’s where they’re taught to join the military and become heroes like in them vidyagames they’re always playing.”

Sheehan said America’s going to have to learn to tighten its belt while all this war mongerin’ gets under way in meaningless countries like the Congo and Syria. Sheehan said he has hopes, however, that the economy can still support “a whole shitload” of profitable wars he has planned.

“We still have the whole education budget—and NASA! For fuck’s sake, do you realize how much money we are wasting on Medicare right now?” Sheehan said, looking up at the ceiling. “Good gosh-a-mighty, we could even cut back on infrastructure, and just let the whole fuckin’ place rot.”

ELFWAX affiliate unearthed after years of abuse

Hatesec — Fri, 17 May 2013 18:03:26 +0000

The following video was extracted from an archive of federal repossessions and returned the chronicle.su office late last year.

“Years of systematically abusing oneself while praying to Charles Manson leads a person to create music and imagery like this. And in one dark night, it can all disappear. With one murder, all your work can be lost forever, whether you meant to kill the guy or not.” – Ronald Reagan

The pretext for this video more or less implies that the video was released in order to meet serious market demand for distorted pornographic imagery interlaced with swastikas and pictures of world leaders being shredded apart while a man sings into a dildo-enhanced microphone. There is no turning back now. Your mind is on the drugs.

Melt the drug.

Current events protester has no idea what he’s protesting

Hatesec — Thu, 16 May 2013 07:31:46 +0000

“Do you know what’s going on in our country?” asked 20-year-old fagatronic nimrod Dale Shelton of Roanoke, Va.

Shelton said he is fed up with the direction American politics are heading. He said the decisions being made at the top affect everyone, including children.

“They’re raping our rights,” Shelton said, “like we raped the lands of the Native American Indian Redskin Savages.”

Shelton was later discovered to be a rapist with no actual opinions about anything.

Get it together, Shelton.

“Chumlee” of Pawn Stars fame dead

Kilgoar — Tue, 14 May 2013 16:04:28 +0000

Fans mourn the loss of Chumlee Russell who died Monday evening of a marijuana overdose.

LAS VEGAS — In what may come to be a medical landmark, “Chumlee” Russell of Pawn Stars fame died from a marijuana overdose Monday night and was found by friend “Big Hoss” Harrison on Tuesday morning. Earlier this year, “Chumlee” was arrested with seven pounds of marijuana which he asserted was all for personal use.

According to Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, “The only possible way he could have died from a marijuana overdose without first clogging his lungs with soot is through the use of vaporizers. Reportedly, Chumlee had rigged up to 90 vaporizers into one tube and had a team of groupies constantly loading them up with the stickiest and most potent of marijuana available on the market.”

Fans and family mourn the loss of “Chumlee” and have taken the opportunity to speak out against drug abuse. “To die like that, it’s just a shame,” said Rick Harrison, manager of the world famous Gold and Silver Pawn Shop, as he teared up, “It’s just a shame to lose such a fun guy as Chum. Rest in peace, buddy.”

Associated Press “Joins Anonymous”

Kilgoar — Tue, 14 May 2013 06:09:39 +0000

An enraged employee of the Associated Press tweeted support for Anonymous.

INTERNET — News broke Friday that the government had wiretapped and extensively spied on the Associated Press for reporting on terrorist activities. This was quickly followed by a now-deleted tweet in support of the shadowy collective of hackers known as Anonymous.

A spokesperson for the AP refused to comment, leading some to speculate the tweet was the result of hackers from Anonymous. Others believe this was possibly a false flag attack from the CIA aimed at discrediting the AP.

Google to change its algorithm

Kilgoar — Tue, 14 May 2013 03:03:59 +0000

The New Google will be able to predict search terms based on information from decades of “datamining.”

INTERNET — Google insiders have leaked that the fundamental Algorithm, which guides all of their services, is going to be completely replaced with a new, hyper-efficient version called New Google. No longer will users be burdened with typing the first letter of their search terms, New Google will extrapolate searches based on past patterns.

New Google, as it has been dubbed, was so powerful some beta users suffered seizures after being instantly satiated and then flooded with a stream of information which was “far too rich and rapid,” according to New Google engineer Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador. “But we toned down the information depth, cut back the pace. It’s much safer now.”

One beta tester reportedly fell into a celebrity death-hoax loop which ended in New Google feeding the subject a stream of nothing but articles from the Internet Chronicle. He left the computer shaking uncontrollably, but these adverse psychological symptoms were treated successfully with valium. The algorithm has since been altered, but Dr. Troubador warned that New Google should only be used with great care. “The tools of the gods are now in the hands of mere apes, or perhaps more accurately the apes have found new gods which are more powerful than ever before.”

Jodi Arias dead from apparent suicide

Kilgoar — Fri, 10 May 2013 17:52:58 +0000

Jodi Arias was found dead in her prison cell from self-inflicted asphyxiation.

PHOENIX — Jodi Arias was found dead on Friday in her prison cell as she awaited sentencing, amid reports of a strict suicide watch. The murderess, who slit the throat of her boyfriend, shot him in the head, and then stabbed him repeatedly, was found guilty of first-degree murder Wednesday after testifying that the killing had been done in self-defense.

Despite the watch, investigators believe she quietly hung herself using hair-extensions smuggled into prison. Her death and subsequent escape from justice has triggered outrage among family members of her boyfriend, Travis Alexander. “We wanted her dead, but we’ve been robbed of the pleasure of watching a lethal injection on closed-circuit television,” said a relative of Alexander’s who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s an affront to justice, and now my family will never be satisfied.”

Feds clamp down on 3d printed weapons

Kilgoar — Fri, 10 May 2013 04:08:58 +0000

Are these spear-thrower designs now illegal?

INTERNET — The State Department Office of Defense Trade Controls Compliance has forced Cody Wilson to “pull” downloadable designs for the world’s first plastic .22 caliber pistol, which was manufactured on a 3d printing machine that recently became available at local office supply stores near you.

Wilson’s designs are now downloadable on MegaUpload, the multi-billion dollar corporate copyright infringement empire built by Kim Dotcom, a Kingpin-style cyber-supervillain who also held the first place score in Call of Duty, the world’s most popular shoot ‘em up video game. Despite pleas from Wilson Dotcom will not take the plans down.

Larry Holler, a 3d printing enthusiast and ancient weapons expert, was recently ordered to take down designs of an Atlatl, or spear-throwing device, by the State Department. Because Holler posted these files on The Pirate Bay they are now shared from the hard drives of millions of internet users, and he has since been taken into FBI custody at gunpoint for not complying with government regulations.

Hackers recently jailbroke Google Glass, and government agencies are now cracking down on forums which distribute military grade targeting apps. The inconspicuous “glasses” hide a high definition camera which, with the help of these now-illegal apps, can be used to locate anthropomorphic objects and alert the user to other threats.

Meanwhile, the black market for weapons and ammunition has exploded with the new-found legitimacy of digital cryptocurrencies like BitCoin, which allow internet users to make anonymous purchases. As it turns out, government internet control is now permanently and inextricably sutured to gun control and these never-ending school tragedies.

Dotcom Accuses United States Government of Conspiracy

Tyler Bass — Thu, 09 May 2013 20:17:23 +0000

Kim Dotcom has faced illegal surveillance by the New Zealand government and now faces extradition to the United States. (Photo: Wikipedia)

Eccentric German-Finnish billionaire Kim Dotcom and his attorneys fired back at federal prosecutors Wednesday by accusing them, alongside other domestic authorities, of conspiracy to “deprive defendants of their presumption of innocence.” Dotcom is currently fighting attempts to extradite him from his haven in New Zealand, where he has faced illegal surveillance from that government, in addition to the charges of mass copyright violation that motivated the surveillance. According to his indictment by the United States last year, Dotcom’s former media-sharing website Megaupload was at some points responsible for 4 percent of all Internet traffic.

Dotcom’s lawyers wrote Wednesday, “[T]he outside motivating factor in this case stems from Motion Picture Association of America’s (erroneous) view of Megaupload as “the very top of the piracy pyramid,” coupled with the current Administration’s desire to placate an association whose members, as a group, are some of the Democratic Party’s strongest political supporters and most generous campaign contributors.”

Congressman Rick Renzi’s Corruption Trial Begins

Tyler Bass — Thu, 09 May 2013 20:12:16 +0000

A leading watchdog group named Renzi, above, as one of the top 20 most corrupt congressmen for three straight years. (Photo: Wikipedia)

Opening arguments in the Tucson trial of former Arizona Representative Rick Renzi (R-AZ) began Wednesday with federal prosecution characterizing Renzi as having engaged in “lying and stealing … taking advantage of people” and having “sold out his office.” Meanwhile Renzi counsel Kelly Kramer contended that his client “didn’t extort anybody … solicit any bribes” or “defraud anyone.” Charged with 32 counts of conspiracy, fraud and extortion, if convicted the three-term former congressman from Arizona’s 1st District could face up to 400 years of prison.

Dennis Wagner writes at The Arizona Republic:

In 2005 Resolution Copper Mining wanted surface rights to an ore-laden national forest area near [the town of] Superior. Another investment group involving former Gov. Bruce Babbitt [(D)] was seeking to trade private conservation land for potential development properties owned by the government near Phoenix.

In response to their request, Renzi allegedly replied, “No Sandlin land, no deal.”

“That’s extortion,” said Justice Department attorney David Harbach Wednesday.

Stephen Hawking joins Illuminati, snubs Israel

Kilgoar — Wed, 08 May 2013 16:31:17 +0000

Who is Stephen Hawking, anyway?

TEL AVIV — Rampant rumors on the net have surfaced espousing contradictory narratives about Stephen Hawking, Israel, and the Illuminati. Most popular of these stories is one in which Hawking has refused to appear at a conference in Israel in protest of their wanton killing of Arabs, while other more reliable sources claim he was only sick.

Clearly, the Illuminati’s mind-control hell spawns internet narratives which become deeply embedded into public consciousness because the Illuminati long ago inserted their “hooks” into our “minds.” But why do they want to discredit Israel, their patsy in the Arab world, and why now? Illuminati expert and Jungian Psychoanalyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador says, “Israel cannot continue its course for much longer, especially as more and more nations become destabilized and revert to Islamic states. The Illuminati is turning people against Israel because we’re going to ‘cut them off’, and trust me, you don’t want to be cut off from the Illuminati if you’re a nation-state vying with the Arab world.”

Does this mean that America will duck out of treaties with Israel? What are Stephen Hawking’s fever dreams like? Didn’t Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador just admit to a high position in the Illuminati?

DOMESTIC DRONE PROGRAM TO DEFEAT TERRORISM

Hatesec — Tue, 07 May 2013 19:49:55 +0000

Terrorists mourn loss of terror comrades.

“It worked in Pakistan. It’ll work here.”

The drone program is here to protect your children from terrorism, and serve this country. Do you want your precious, innocent child to be abducted and groomed into a Punjabi-loving terrorist? Or do you want little Timmy to grow up to be a god damn PATRIOT?

Ask yourself, America, if you wouldn’t be satisfied to exchange a little freedom for the terrorists for the added benefits of security for you and your loved ones. Live without fear of terrorism, America, for the US Government is here to help you get over those fears.

We will force you to love us.

American forces are waiting outside your door, and they’re demanding that you let them in, to help you. Let us help you. Won’t you please donate your dignity for just pennies a day to assist YOUR GOVERNMENT in helping you? Help us help you find peace in a perpetual state of holy war against us. The Jihad is upon us now, more than ever before, and you have a unique opportunity to “change” the world for the better.

Invite change into your home today. Register yourself online. Donate your guns to the local police department, so we can turn them on the true terrorists, you.

American lives are at risk, and you can help us put a stop to the influx of unAmerican activity going on in this country because of people like Mexicans, A-rabs, and other breeds of sand people we could all live without. America, why didn’t you listen? You never listen…

This is your final warning.

This message brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc – sponsor of many fine wars of aggression to uphold the ruling elite who know what’s right for you and your pathetic family.

“I mean. What. Did you masturbate those kids out at the last minute?”

Media strains for 9/11 symbols in wake of Boston Marathon Bombing

Kilgoar — Thu, 02 May 2013 22:56:13 +0000

NEW YORK — Wednesday, part of a wing from 9/11 was dug up and hoisted from an alleyway to media fanfare as it was “taken into police custody,” reported Shimon Prokupecz of NBC New York. This shard of wing was exhumed, quite importantly, on the same block as the controversial “ground-zero mosque.” Thursday, Workers at the “Freedom Tower,” which is now officially named One World Trade Center, ceremoniously hoisted the final part of the building, which will not be installed for many months as they must first hoist all the other parts.

All this glorious hoisting of phallic objects and shards of cthonic airframe comes on the heels of a magnificent and vivid dream recounted now by this author.

Swimming through a shallow lake with a group of people including my suppressed femininity (anima), my child-self, and my shadow, my scattered-self reached a sacred cave inscribed with golden runes. “What does this all mean?” I asked the shadow, who looked around this place with a knowledge that made me suspect he was an alien. “It turns all who swim here into dogs.” I was frightened for a moment, but then realized this was a joke, a ridiculous superstition, and laughed with the shadow. Now across the lake and without these others, I approached an abandoned maintenance hut for the lake which once housed a dusty bandsaw I wanted to take. The bandsaw was now outside on the ground, rusted and broken. “What had it been for?” I asked the shadow. He merely gestured at rotting beams in the nearby cliffside which had once been used for hoisting something which was, only upon reflection, conspicuously missing from the dream. In a pagoda I nervously disassembled and reassembled a bullet, and when I fumbled and spilled its gunpowder there were small computer chips inside. At this time authority figures approached in the form of Chumlee and Big Hoss from Pawn Stars. I didn’t hang around to greet them but soon returned to the pagoda out of curiosity. They looked worn out and tired, and didn’t care to chastise us for the discovery of the computer chips. My child-self discovered scraps from the beam-making and tapped them, producing musical notes like a Hang Drum.

We have plucked the last shard from America’s wounded soil and brought it to a great new unshakable height (1776 feet, precisely). It relieved me of some stress to see the bandsaw rusted, and the Pawn Stars may have looked awfully tired, but they also seemed relieved. They had abandoned their hoisting. I have felt a great peace since having this dream and I believe it symbolizes the resolution of some internal struggle.

The Boston Marathon Bombing has been beaten to death like any other media event and now exists in some sphere subsumed by more present memories of 9/11. It is now an extension of 9/11, part of a chain of events which has only brought greater glory upon “America” through many fantastic opportunities to hoist symbols of triumph.

Allergic Police Circus Mesmerizes Nation

Kilgoar — Sat, 27 Apr 2013 15:15:18 +0000

One never knows when a terrorist may be hiding in a closet or behind the shower curtains, and it’s even better to know that the Muslim across the street isn’t harboring Dzhokhar Tsarnaev — yet.

On April 15, 2013, The Tsarnaev brothers placed two bombs at the Boston Marathon which detonated at 2:49 PM, injuring 282 people and killing three. Despite a proliferation of surveillance imagery of the brothers, they were not identified by Boston police, or if they had been identified, the Boston police did not share their images with the public. Wild speculation on social media pinned the blame on Sunil Tripathi, and the New York Post seemed to confirm this with a front-page photograph implying his guilt. Tripathi, a complete innocent, was soon found dead in the Providence River.

After three days, the FBI took over the investigation and held a press conference to release images of the actual bombers, hoping the public could identify the pair since they could not. The elder brother, Tamerlan, had of course been placed on the terror watch list after visiting Chechnya and professing a belief in the prophet Muhammad, a banality which in no way aided the investigation.

The Tsarnaevs were accosted several hours after the FBI press conference by an MIT officer, but a shootout ensued and the campus cop was shot dead. The brothers carjacked a vehicle and led police on a wild chase which ended in Tamerlan’s death. The younger brother, Dzhokhar, escaped to a nearby boat where he laid critically injured for a whole day, while battalions of stormtroopers fruitlessly raided every house within twenty blocks and authorities completely shut down Boston. Media lavished praise on this costly, ineffective, paranoid, and altogether insane reaction which had little purpose in reality yet made perfect sense to a public gleefully re-enacting the trauma of 9/11.

Those who had their houses raided, of course, were most smitten with the allergic police reaction because it made them feel safe in the midst of uncertainty. Alas, for all the methodical effort and overwhelming force, none thought to look in the small, uncovered boat where the bleeding culprit lay dying. This interagency stormtrooper circus had been planned since 9/11, and all good Americans saw the large-scale home invasion and day-long desertification of Boston as emblematic of strength and courage in the face of evil.

Watertown heralds Police State invasion

Kilgoar — Sat, 20 Apr 2013 04:18:58 +0000

Redditors enjoy a front-page appearance and are aroused as agents storm through their house.

BOSTON — 9/11 fans rejoiced Thursday after Boston Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was arrested by thousands of paramilitary police units which stormed through nearly 10,000 houses in Watertown, systematically invading every home in the area.

Citizens lauded the merciless efficiency and overwhelming numbers of police who found Tsarnaev critically injured and hiding in a boat.

Eagerly jacked into the story developments on corporate-controlled television media, Twitter, Facebook, and in many cases in real life, Redditors ate junk food and excitedly watched police storm through their houses.

A collective sigh of relief echoed through the Twittersphere when the police announced, “CAPTURED!!! The hunt is over. The search is done. The terror is over. And justice has won. Suspect in custody.” Exuberant families ran into the streets chanting, “U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.!”

Police photographers captured the barbarian’s arrest and tweeted it to their quivering, orgasmic fans in real time.

Glorious Stormtroopers accost fiendish Muslim enemy.

“Can’t tell if Fox News or Facebook.”

FBI REVEALS PHOTOS OF BOSTON BOMBERS

Kilgoar — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 21:35:52 +0000

The “cocky” pair of bombers walks through the crowd.

The black-capped suspect disguised himself with sunglasses.

Is the white-hatted suspect on a cellphone? With WHOM?

Suspect in the gangster-looking white hat looks through the crowd.

YourAnonNews to launch Activist News Network

Kilgoar — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 15:31:58 +0000

Anonymous News Network to serve up the unerring truth — a blatant threat towards the Internet Chronicle’s market-share.

INTERNET — This week, news broke that the YourAnonNews twitter account, with over a million followers, successfully raised $54,000 through merchandising and donations which will go towards founding the Activist News Network. This idea immediately brought painful ties with the abject Nazi-run Presstorm to the memory of critics. Presstorm was an Anonymous-related news site which disintegrated when management ran anti-Occupy scare propaganda at a time when the protest movement was just getting off the ground.

Members of YourAnonNews, with the possible exception of Presstorm collaborators, do not appear to actually write news stories, conduct interviews, or place hard-hitting reporters like Tyler Bass of The Internet Chronicle on the scene at pivotal moments in WikiLeaks history. Rather, YourAnonNews is a marketing-related news-aggregation group which, at its most creative, serves up naive platitudes to as many ravenous teenage radicals as possible and connects hordes of jabbering idiots with the glorious and infallible Internet Chronicle.

A nascent anti-YourAnonNews group, AnonsAgainstYAN, has completely reified and magnified the problems of YourAnonNews by stripping the formula of all news unrelated to YourAnonNews and bringing the anti-platitude platitudes to a new low. This group immediately became wildly popular and led several high-profile members of YourAnonNews to question their affiliation before completely forsaking their Anonymous identification. Because Anonymous swarms form in the same way as locusts — infighting and cannibalism leads to a biological change which turns docile grasshoppers into a frenzy of ravenous locusts — resident Anonymous experts at the Internet Chronicle expect a monumental shitstorm to hit within the week.

Amanda Bynes dead at 27, inventor of ‘lol’ signs off

Frank Mason — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 06:27:29 +0000

Amanda Bynes commit suicide Wednesday.

NEW YORK — Fans mourn the loss of Nickelodeon starlet Amanda Laura Bynes, who died early Wednesday morning at her home in New York. Bynes was widely recognized as the inventor of the Internet abbreviation “lol” – or laugh out loud.

Bynes was pronounced dead at 3:27 a.m. EST. Cause of death was listed as suicide. She was 27.

Bynes left what appears to be a suicide note in response to ridicule on her Twitter

@ComplexMag Stop acting like I’m doing something wrong. I’m obsessed with myself on twitter. Also, my video last night was perfection. I’m so sick of the articles u write about me. I want every fake article deleted. Ur dick whipped by my ugly ex @ducidni who’s looks and talent have always been questionable to me, him being the ugly duckling that he is and all. U quote him non stop, then take professional shots of him for ur covers, his best photos aren’t shit compared to mine at my best. The photo u chose of Aubrey for her cover is awful. You make people look bad, stop acting like you know anything about what men like. I don’t stop getting follwed or hit on every place I go. I’m not trying to sing, but if I did (I got offered an Interscope record deal right after I filmed Hairspray which you might know if you sat down and did a normal interview. I still might take them up on their offer) get the facts as opposed to talking shit. My music is going to be sicker then whatever the fuck kind of music Scott tries to do. Stop writing articles without speaking to me first.

Bynes publicly defended herself against allegations she was kicked out of gymnastics, and claimed to have an eating disorder.

Bynes spent her final weeks estranged from her family, stating via Twitter, “I don’t speak to my parents anymore.”

Because no will was entered into the public record, Bynes’ legal fund is being returned to Viacom. The money was originally distributed to attorneys representing Bynes to protect her name from libel.

Dinosaur mummy found in Antarctica

Kilgoar — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 00:21:02 +0000

A mummified Argentinosaurus has been found under the melting Antarctic ice.

ANTARCTICA — Summer ice melts in Antarctica have revealed land that has been covered since the time of the dinosaurs, and according to Paleontologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, it’s revealed part of the preserved body of one of the largest animals to ever walk the earth. An Argentine expeditionary force, led by General Francisco Acevedo, found the mummified remains of what has been dubbed the Argentinosauros, a one hundred foot long herbivorous sauropod dinosaur.

Until now, scientists did not believe such a large quantity of flesh could be preserved for this long without being mostly replaced by minerals through the process of fossilization. “It must have been flash frozen in a perfectly dry environment for sixty-five million years. There’s still red meat on the thing, and there’s just no question we can easily clone a dinosaur. This is the most unbelievable discovery in human history,” Dr. Troubador said, with conviction.

You’re Diseased!

Kilgoar — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 15:30:31 +0000

AMERICA — Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, author of the bestselling do-it-yourself skin cancer removal book Slash and Save, excited fans with the publishing of his newest work, You’re Diseased! In this book, Dr. Troubadoor outlines the deep connection between pleasure and pathology, and he has graciously shared an excerpt from his introduction with the Internet Chronicle.

For many decades, man has known smoking and drinking, although pleasurable, are in fact cause for deep alarm. Just one drink, and you’ve caught the serious sickness known as alcoholism. Like alcohol, soft drinks also bring great pleasure, but did you know if you drink just one, you will also become diseased like an alcoholic? Do you have a loving relationship with a pet? You’re pathologically dependent! Do you and your friends form tight, interdependent bonds? You’re all sick! Do you masturbate or have sex? Nothing could be killing you more quickly! Think that a nice hike in the woods is a simple guiltless pleasure? Your joints don’t. Ever bathed in the warm sun and relished your tan skin afterwards? You’ve been damaged! Do you enjoy eating food? People who eat 30% less live 30% longer, and from this rule I have worked out that every bit of pleasure you experience will take an equal toll on your health. This is what I call the “Pleasure Pathology Principle,” and by eliminating pleasure from our lives not only can we escape every disastrous sickness, but we can learn to live practically forever!

Let’s be honest with ourselves for once. Death is around every corner. While it’s not possible for most people to quit drinking or smoking, one corollary of the “Pleasure Pathology Principle” is what I’ve dubbed “Guilt Stabilization Therapy.” Once a person realizes everything enjoyable is bad and indeed destructive to overall health, he or she is able to reduce the amount of pleasure by experiencing sweet, life-giving guilt. It’s as simple as balancing out all the “good” feelings with “bad” ones which are the only truly good feelings!

Few of us have the strength of will to eliminate all pleasure from our lives, and in fact many who believe they are successful at this task are indeed taking pleasure in eliminating pleasure and will soon die a terrible death. Some may even come to enjoy the normally benign “Guilt Stabilization Therapy,” thus rendering it useless in the quest for endless perfect health. Making your way through life without falling for seductions which will kill you and everyone you know is fraught with far more perils than these, and living in constant fear of your mortality while avoiding all pleasure is the healthiest thing you can do. However, most people don’t know what to be vigilant for and aren’t even aware of the expansive scale of deadly health-reducing pleasures. That’s why I’ve written this book, for the lay person, and I hope you are able to at least remove some Pathological Pleasure from your newly-extended life.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador

Internet Chronicle to host Fred Phelps homosexual fantasy fiction contest

Kilgoar — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 02:04:42 +0000

Nude images of Fred Phelps engaged in homosexual acts were leaked by spurned lovers.

WESTBORO BAPTIST — A pornographic image depicting Pastor Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church, famous for picketing the funerals of soldiers with incendiary anti-gay rhetoric, has drawn massive media attention due to its homosexual nature.

The Internet Chronicle has decided to celebrate this momentous occasion by hosting a Fred Phelps gay fan fiction writing contest. We encourage all readers to mail lascivious stories of any length featuring Fred Phelps to press@chronicle.su. The winner of the contest will have their story published and receive a magnificent, but undisclosed, prize*.

Rules are as follows:

No sex act is off the table, and in fact, the more depraved the story the more points.
Real stories of actual incidents of Fred Phelps’ flagrant homosexuality earn more points.
Make sure the subject line of your e-mail reads “FRED PHELPS CONTEST,” and don’t include anything but the story. We don’t care about your comments. Just send the story.
We must be able to masturbate to your story, or it will earn no points.
God hates Fred Phelps because he is a faggot.

* All “prizes” are subject to confiscation and may include surveillance devices to ensure proper use

Ivan Stang Dead at 59

Kilgoar — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 20:16:36 +0000

Ivan Stang will be remembered for his convincing impression of a religious fanatic.

Cleveland Heights, OH — Fans mourn the loss of Doug Smith, also known as Reverend Ivan Stang, who died Friday from a brain-eating amoeba believed to have infected him during the filming of what he called “Animalcule Porn.” Famous for popularizing “J.R. ‘Bob’ Dobbs,” a character stolen from the satirical novel J R, by William Gaddis, Reverend Stang also co-founded the Church of the SubGenius, which is based entirely on the teachings of ‘Bob’.

Last year, Reverend Stang claimed to have resigned from his post as “Living Prophet” at the Church of the SubGenius. Although this claim was quite obviously false, and in fact written by a collaborator known as “Dr. Legume,” the gullible science fiction writer and scare-mongering Cory Doctorow nonetheless took to the SubGenius-controlled media outlet BoingBoing and lamented the retirement of Reverend Stang. This hoax was intended as an affront to an executive at the glorious and infallible Internet Chronicle, who had recently embarrassed and shamed Reverend Stang and his gaggle of blabber-mouth sycophants with a magnificent hoax of his own. It is worth noting, however, that the message of renunciation embedded within both hoaxes seems to have had a synergistic effect which contributed to their action as primary determinates in the unprecedented resignation of Pope Benedict XVI, who secretly forswore Catholicism in favor of a conservative interpretation of the Annals of Inglip.

As expected, Reverend Stang’s death has been covered up by his dissembling flock of pseudo-heresiarchs, a fact which is corroborated by secret fiscal information leaked by sources in Anonymous. These documents show the entirety of the church’s meager funds are now spent on a body double who poorly impersonates the late Reverend Stang. “None of them pinks can tell the difference,” said Dr. Legume, candidly, “And if they can, we don’t want ‘em anyway.”

Rodong Sinmun

Hatesec — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 20:05:38 +0000

No Nuclear Umbrella

PYONGYANG– The U.S., noisily advertising about its commitment to provision of nuclear umbrella, is stuffing its latest nuclear war equipment into south Korea.

Unaware of what a miserable fate is befalling on them, the south Korean puppets are running headlong into an adventure of attacking the DPRK on a nuke war chariot of the U.S.

Backed by outside forces, they are hell-bent on igniting a nuclear war against the DPRK.

Some time ago, the U.S. suddenly activated its nuclear strategic bomber B-2A to make a sortie to the air of the Korean Peninsula from the U.S. mainland to commit drills of striking a ground target and transferred stealth fighters F-22 Raptors to south Korea from the U.S. air force base at Kadena, Okinawa.

Prior to it, formation of the U.S. nuclear strategic bomber B-52 repeatedly flew to south Korea to stage DPRK-targeted actual nuclear strike drills and its nuclear-powered submarine Cheyenne that had carried out the task of preemptive attack in the 2003 Iraqi war staged joint sea drills with the south Korean puppets.

Of late, the U.S. dispatched interceptor missile-loaded Aegis destroyers John S. McCain, Decatur and the mobile sea radar for detection of ballistic missiles “SBX-1″ to the waters around the Korean Peninsula, driving the situation close to a threshold of war.

In a din to provoke a nuclear war against the DPRK, the warmongers converted south Korea into an unprecedented showplace of the U.S. nuclear arms.

It is not a mere saber-rattling, but a prelude to war.

It is utterly silly for the south Korean puppets to want to evade from a shower of our nuclear strike under the nuclear umbrella of their U.S. master.

Now, the U.S. cannot afford to take care of its stooges.

The U.S. has so far swaggered that its existing missile defense system is strong enough to counter the missile threat from north Korea.

But, recently the U.S. gave up even a plan to deploy its MD system in Europe and additionally established its interceptor missile system to defend the mainland.

The south Korean puppets also know its reason well probably.

All has changed today.

Our nuclear deterrent has been boosted up in both quality and quantity. The character of confrontation between the DPRK and the U.S. changed fundamentally.

Of late, U.S. military experts sneered at the remarks of the U.S. Defense Secretary that the U.S. army can undoubtedly protect the U.S. and south Korea from the North’s nuclear threat. They warned that in case the DPRK applies a more singular method, the counter of the U.S. and south Korea would become more miserable and the moment when the North decides to strike, the U.S. would spend very appalling hours.

They made really meaningful comments.

DPRK’s nuclear shower will break the U.S. nuclear umbrella so mercilessly that the warmongers cannot even repent of anything.

Rehtaeh Parsons’ glorious suicide outshines Amanda Todd

Kilgoar — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 15:27:04 +0000

Rehtaeh Parsons is yet another glorious heroic suicide tied to the e-Rape phenomenon.

NOVA SCOTIA — Rehtaeh Parsons, a teen who was a victim of the new e-Rape phenomenon in which bullies share images and video of rape on the internet, joined Amanda Todd and other victims of e-Rape bullying in the pantheon of Glamorous Suicide Teen Queens. A memorial slideshow of pictures harvested from Facebook were featured in a Huffington Post story, which also said,

“Look at a young man you know, maybe a son or nephew or family friend, and imagine him as a rapist. Does that disgust you? Then teach him how not to be one, and talk to all the young people in your life what sexual assault is and how to know when consent has truly happened. Maybe then photos like the ones that haunted Rehtaeh Parsons won’t be spread around school hallways but instead will be reported to police, because they will be recognized for what they really are: evidence of a crime.”

As news agencies around the world feverishly post as many pictures of the young, attractive e-Rape victim as possible, the message which is sent to teenage girls is much more salient than the one intended for the teenage boys, who have been told they are rapists until programmed otherwise by caring, all-controlling parents. If you are an attractive teenage girl and a victim of e-Rape, you will surely find the sympathy you need in suicide, as Giovanna Plowman, Rehtaeh Parsons, and Amanda Todd before you.

Dr. Phil denies paying Jodi Arias’ family for sex

Hatesec — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 07:32:35 +0000

Dr. Phil opposite former sexpot murderslut Jodi Arias

Television therapist and fake doctor, Phil McGraw denied Tuesday real allegations he offered the Arias family money for sex with their daughter in exchange for TV coverage once a verdict is reached.

The despicable television star has committed higher atrocities in the past, such as inviting Bumfights producers onto his show only to throw them off in a public display of power.

Is there no end to media abuse at the hands of “Dr” Phil McGraw? Will the family seek reparations from the television station? Will this balding pariah ever admit to the allegations that he paid for sex he never received? Furthermore, at what point in time is he expected to shed his outer husk to reveal a final, mucus-enveloped form?

All this and more, on chronicle.su.

The “Idea Channel”

Kilgoar — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 22:28:59 +0000

INTERNET — The “Idea Channel,” a horrifying YouTube production from PBS which aims to educate and entertain within five lighting-fast minutes, has translated television pedagogy to the internet. Surprise! It’s incredibly bad. The painfully hip mustachio’d host Mike Rugnetta rattles off jargon and drops names in front of a backdrop of trendy old vinyl covers as images of his references flash by so quickly one show in 2012 reportedly triggered a wave of epileptic seizures. This “educational” program, tailored to victims of new media whose attention spans have evaporated, generally glosses over deep topics with a few bad jokes and glib statements. The fact that it seems jammed full of good information makes this insipid programming even more dangerous.

In the episode above, Rugnetta asks the question, “Are Cell Phones Replacing Reality?” Among such intellectual gems as, “Ubiquitous computing is awesome and important,” Rugnetta crosses into dangerous territory by calling French Post-Structuralist Jean Baudrillard a “Grumpy Gus.” After a pitiful thirty-second explanation of Baudrillard’s theory, Rugnetta presses the idea that cell phones might replace reality is “alarmist.” To really fill out his unintentionally ironic performance of precisely what Baudrillard has warned against, Rugnetta coldly delivers the verdict, “Being bored stinks, and also we’re more connected and more knowledgeable.” Thank goodness PBS is paying for the “Idea Channel” and funneling all this great knowledge straight to our cell phone. It would really suck to slog through years of sucky, boring media theory.

Margaret Thatcher, Illuminati leader, dead at 87

Kilgoar — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 15:11:38 +0000

Illuminati leader Margaret Thatcher was murdered by the collective will of bitcoin owners.

LONDON — Margaret Thatcher, first female Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and high-ranking Illuminati member, succumbed to old age, making one bitcoin gambler and trained assassin, Ronnie Nitro, a millionaire overnight.

So-called death pools invite owners of bitcoins to bid on the time of death for celebrities, incentivizing free agent hit-men with the kind of big money that was once available only from the evil hands of super-rich. While Margaret Thatcher appears to have died peacefully, others believe her death was orchestrated and timed by subversive bitcoin owners fighting to quell Illuminati machinations.

If this is true, then for the first time, bitcoin has given the masses the same kind of money-moving inertia once available only to the super rich, and the proliferation of death pools may very well shatter their iron grip on government and business, clearing the way for young aspiring hip hop stars who are surely being suppressed by the Illuminati in the same way Michael Jackson was repeatedly poisoned, framed, maimed, and eventually murdered for their Satanic purposes.

Project PM: The “open source” digital snitch tank

Kilgoar — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 06:09:09 +0000

Project “PM,” a well-funded government psy-op

INTERNET — Barrett Brown, who conspired with Hector Monsegur AKA Sabu in snitching out millions of righteous Anonymous virtual sit-in activists, revealed from prison to the despicable tabloid, Vice magazine, that his imprisonment was all an intentional publicity stunt meant to bring attention to fake government-sponsored facebook and Twitter profiles currently spreading virulent propaganda across the world. Why was Brown arrested, and why did he seemingly turn on his shadowy government keepers?

Brown’s Project PM, an open-source digital snitch tank, where the PM literally stands for “Persona Management,” acted like flypaper for subversive elements so Feds could easily monitor their every behavior. Some even go so far as to believe Brown was hired by HB Gary as part of an operation to bring lots of scary press down on shady cabals of super-elite hackers who really don’t exist. His bombastic, orthodox, and arrogant style did much to project a clear image to folks at home that he represented the “hacking collective” Anonymous, and that they should be very afraid of the impending global revolution cyberwarriors would spearhead within the next five years. Of course, these were the statements of a provocateur, dripping with fish-hooks baiting like-minded people into a totally government-controlled honeypot, the so-called nerve center of Anonymous, Anon Ops.

As it turns out, Jenna Deville, member of a private contractor competing with Brown’s Project PM and ex-Mossad Krav Maga instructor, seduced and then drugged Brown with a powerful weaponized hallucinogen, thrusting him into a delusional state that caused him to temporarily flip his allegiance from the FBI to Anonymous, and in this drugged state, Brown threatened the children of a character from the Matrix movie series. Deville is said to have conspired with Adrian Lamo, and is rumored to also be affiliated with his group, Project Vigilant.

John Thiessen, acting head of Project PM, has warned against so-called apologists for Deville. “She’s a rat, and I’ve always known it. Barrett Brown was a child prodigy, a very intelligent and close friend of mine. These government sock puppets out there are doing it people. They’re lying to you. They get these beautiful women as their profile and then they hook you in, brainwash you.”

Don’t fuck with me, I’m football team

Frank Mason — Sat, 06 Apr 2013 07:15:05 +0000

NOVATO, CALIF. (2-7-2012) - An anonymous internet user going by the name of OP released the bank account numbers, Social Security Numbers, phone numbers and addresses of a massive number of Novato residents Saturday.

CHRONICLE.SU URGENT UPDATE: (2-6-2013)

An anonymous caller phoned in a tip that he is “free now” and intends to “finish” what he “started” one year ago, challenging all preconceptions OP is a fag. Listen to the bone-chilling telephone call here.

The individual, who seemingly appeared out of the blue, addressed the anonymous website as his “crew,” using rhyming language.

Rumors are circulating that the information passed down originated from an accomplished hacker group comprised of remnants of LulzSec.

As leaks poured out, anonymous internet users suspected they might be credit cards, but later determined the leaked information was bank account numbers issued by Westamerica Bank, a local bank of California which issues ten digit account numbers like are found in the leaks, or “dox,” the term sometimes used for the disclosure of sensitive information.

Hello /b/
Do you remember me?
Infamous I was
Fucking shit up, causing quite the buzz
I belonged to a team
With a hacker like theme
Now I’m lurking here
For a crew thats top tier
I have a plan thats 4 years in the making
And soon we’ll have what’s ours for the taking

A handful of brave or reckless individuals logged into the bank website using the details.

Others signed up for accounts using the credit information, immediately followed by declarations of deletion of virtual machines, as well as paranoia fueled incineration of their hard drives.

Another user asked, “what did they do to you OP? Seriously, not the whole fucking town could have wronged you.”

“OP” refers to the “original poster,” who has acknowledged the extreme likelihood of going to prison as a result of his or her actions.

After some investigation, it was determined OP’s identity might possibly have something to do with Jack Briner who, in 1997, used stolen lists of information from his former bank of employment for use at Westmerica Bank. Google results reveal Jack Briner is teaching economics to the upcoming best-and-brightest of San Jose.

OP was particularly inclined to call out an individual by the name of Jim Greenway, whose SSN was referenced repeatedly and explicitly. OP added, “the rest and greenway shall pay.”

UPDATE: Jim Greenway is a bank branch manager.

After posting the 25th batch of account numbers, OP quipped, “Don’t fuck with me, I’m football team,” spawning a meme which, as time goes on, will likely gain notoriety with its obscurity.

Also, there was a four hour countdown. At zero hour, this happened:

greenway is gone
i have set us up the bomb
time to say goodbye
as i too shall die

Tumblr-centric #Femen Movement “Started By Men”

Hatesec — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 05:44:05 +0000

“Came. Stripped. Conquered.” is the slogan of a social movement which has thousands of young women stripping publicly in defiance of the patriarchy and posting images of their ripe young bodies across sites like Tumblr and Twitter, and which are later re-posted to 4chan and Motherless.com.

A male source close to Femen.info, who wished to remain anonymous because of his position within the protest movement, gratuitously described a male-oriented conspiracy to obtain more “selfies” (images women take of themselves, usually standing in front of a mirror partially or completely naked). He said the movement toward “women flashing their t— on the internet” was a concept “too good to have originated from a woman’s mind,” but was co-opted from the start by men to see how far a woman will go to prove she is not just something for men to look at.

They went full circle and showed us their tits to protest our desire to see their tits.

-Anonymous

During a discussion among male friends, the source asked himself, “What are women willing to be tricked to do that would create an illusion of empowerment and at the same time exploit them for our admittedly devious, and sexual, purposes?” Turns out, he said, women are willing to do more than he expected. “They went full circle and showed us their tits to protest our desire to see their tits,” he said. “It took only the slightest hint of suggestion to get these dumb bitches started. It’s like they wanted it. Thank God it’s only the hot ones came out.”

MIT Sociological Correspondent Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedauer said he first noticed a step in the wrong direction when the “womyn” of the Femen movement attempted to cross cultural boundaries to tell Muslim women their head scarves are oppressing them.

“Some women are doing exactly what they’re fighting against,” Troubadauer said, “by telling burqa-clad Muslims what they should or should not wear.” The majority of Muslim women, however, are comfortable wearing the burqa because they widely regard proper head wear to be the mark of upstanding lady-hood. “When these women tell the Muslim female population they don’t have to wear the head scarf, their response is, ‘We know. We also don’t have to get naked to prove a point.’”

You can’t invent irony like this.

Calmann-Lévy has authored a book entitled Femen but because it is written in French – the most pretentious of languages – its contents could not be deciphered.

Columns of text walls unfortunately lead to a black-and-white absence of juicy photographs, therefore Chronicle.su literary critics say the material can be safely ignored.

Staff writer Julius Pontenego suggested searching tumblr for the hashtag #femen “as it is a near-endless resource of wank material” worthy of the progressive, and yet manly, strong minds of our audience.

This image gallery is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Kim Jong-Un cancels nuclear war, reveals he is K-pop star PSY

Kilgoar — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 01:17:31 +0000

Kim Jong-Un’s real war was waged on our minds.

PYONGYANG — Thursday evening, Dear Leader Kim Jong-Un revealed to pathetic American audiences his secret life as K-pop star PSY, of “Gangnam Style” fame. The “Gangnam Style” YouTube video was viewed more than any video in the history of time, fulfilling the Kim Dynasty’s global dominance and the cultural manifest destiny of Juche Ideology. Both Noam Chomsky and UN chief Ban Ki-moon were swept up in the Kim family’s ingenious culture-jamming plot, which required Jong-Un’s younger brother, Kim Mok-Jong, to stand-in for him at home in North Korea.

By whipping up a global hysteria with heroic nuclear tests and bombastic rhetoric, Glorious Leader Kim Jong-Un has drawn the greatest amount of attention simply to reveal this impeccable and magnificent prank. Cultural Anthropologist Dr. Ng Tong, who is credited with writing Gangnam Style, said, “The inferior Caucasian and African minds were not able to understand the overt anti-American messages of Gangnam Style, but it nonetheless became the most popular song. We can create hit songs like this at will, and over time we believe it will spell a final global victory for Kim Jong-Un.”

George Carlin shamefully works low-end corporate conference circuit

Hatesec — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 04:35:53 +0000

Dead comedy legend George Carlin has been commissioned to sell data-center solutions at several low-end corporate conferences in the area. Are the rumors true, or is this the work of a dangerous impostor?

He’s like an off-brand Ninja Turtle you just want to punch in the face.
-rsplatpc

Impressionist Joe Beddia stripped all the “bad words” from Carlin’s famous act, “Stuff,” making it ironically more profane – while otherwise plagiarizing it verbatim with the obvious exception of replacing the word “stuff” with “data” in order to sell NetBackup, Backup Exec and Enterprise Vault to the fat white assholes running corporate America. The whole act demands of its audience more than six excruciating minutes of assumed disbelief: “Gosh, doesn’t he just seem like George Carlin!”

Chronicle.su theoretical physicist Dr. Angstrom Troubadauer said, “Joe ‘Beddia’ watch the fuck out, because he is treading sacred ground for cheap laughs. Personally, I would like to rape Mr. Beddia, cut off his head, and shit down his neck.” Whoa. Easy there, guy.

Beddia has been called “The Godfather of cringe.”

Dr. Troubadauer has called Beddia’s Carlin act “unoriginal and uninspired,” and said the performance “comes off as an offensive mockery” of one of America’s most legendary comedians.

“Not only that,” Troubadauer said, “it is like driving your own personal nail into the man’s coffin if you just take the time to consider the fact that his uncanny likeness is being used to sell fucking data-center solutions to the very same corporations he satirized for belonging to an industry built around fucking the consumer. This man is clearly a danger to himself – as deranged as he is sad.”

What is perhaps most off-putting about the video, Troubadauer said, is Beddia’s impersonation of Carlin’s mannerisms and gestures is so impeccable that he has created an unfortunate uncanny valley – a shroud of realism that makes Beddia’s performance all the more disturbing where it lacks all the coherence, rhythm – and most importantly – humor of an authentic George Carlin performance.

Seriously, what an unfunny piece of shit.

chronicle.su is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc. & Bulletball

How a new machine could collapse the bitcoin market

Kilgoar — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 16:13:12 +0000

Bitcoins may soon be worth next to nothing at all.

INTERNET — New hardware designed by Butterfly Labs promises to mine bitcoins more cheaply than ever before. If you aren’t familiar with bitcoins, they are a digital currency deriving their rarity and value through advanced cryptographic algorithms. Only so many bitcoins can be “found,” and they first wind up in the hands of those with enough computing cycles to slog through the complicated math.

In the past, the price of electricity did not make bitcoin mining a profitable endeavor, but engineers at Butterfly Labs have built a line of machines specifically designed to mine more bitcoins than ever before while using a minimal amount of electricity. Thousands of these mining machines have been pre-ordered and will soon ship to eager consumers hungry to make a quick buck.

Recently, the bitcoin market has been hit with severe hyper-deflation, and this rapid increase in bitcoin value could cause trading on the market to freeze up. In the past month, the price of a bitcoin has skyrocketed from $40 to nearly $100. Analysts concerned about new mining technology warn that this bubble may soon burst.

6 Dead as Hack Forums Legend f0rsaken HACKS Chronicle.su

Jaime Cochran — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 07:29:57 +0000

Cryptic Photo Posted on the Defaced Site; Scary!

Haters rejoiced late Easter Sunday, as a plot was devised to devour and destroy the illustrious and mighty Internet Chronicle. The plan was hatched on an encrypted video chat platform that only hackers use, called “TinyChat“. We managed to grab a few logs from the encrypted chat, but they were using what we believe may be the SHA-1 hash function so we could only decrypt parts of it.

| [12:35 AM] hoic: niggas
| [12:35 AM] x: sup hoic
| [12:35 AM] hoic: defacing chronicle sometime s00n
| [12:35 AM] x: lay it down mofo
| [12:35 AM] x: word
| [12:35 AM] x: <3
| [12:35 AM] hoic: nuffin too biggie

The hack was done by the great and knowledgeable Hack Forums Hero known as f0rsaken aka hoic aka @itsd00m. He is well versed in social engineering trickery, such as jacking amazon accounts and some say he may have a “botnet,” but these are simply unconfirmed allegations.

While the deface was rather gauche, it did provide clear dox of all Chronicle.su employees and their families, while giving a nod to the great John Thiessen, aka Ron Brynaert. “#hatesec” was plastered all over the site, which seems to be a new hacking group with more skills than Dan Kaminsky, as they poisoned the Chronicles DNS and rerouted all traffic to 9gag, all the while maintaining root and mining information to SWAT people with.

As you can see, the critical infrastructure of the site is completely crippled and our lives are all over.

Goodnight, from Washington.

In Which The Internet Chronicle Copy-edits the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea

Tyler Bass — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 05:03:01 +0000

Amnesty International claims that the country is running death camps. But there is a tilt relationship with the country that the U.S. military power structure has yet to admire: China. The DPRK wants to be taken seriously by the so-called international community. And in doing so they have failed miserably to communicate in English to the Western powers that they so feel antagonize them. It is in the interest of international peace and cooperation that we translate — despite not speaking 조선말– the state’s comments into terms that are more immediately understandable by international audiences. They will bode better on Google Translate, or whichever format you might wish to view this page.

Imperialist encroachments upon supreme interests have become grave, as have violations of Democratic People’s Republic of Korea sovereignty. As a result, the dearly respected Marshal Kim Jong-un, brilliant commander of Mt. Paektu — before examining and ratifying a firepower strike plan — convened an urgent operation meeting on the firepower-strike duty performance of the Strategic Rocket Force of the Korean People’s Army.

The declaration of a do-or-die battle is Marshal Kim’s decision: a choice to provide an epochal occasion for ending the long-standing showdown with the United States, opening a new era. It is also a last warning of justice served to the United States, the south Korean group and other hostile anti-reunification forces. The decision reflects the strong will of the DPRK people to annihilate the enemies.

Now surges the anger of the heroic service personnel, along with all other DPRK people, at the U.S. imperialists’ reckless war provocations. Also surges a strong will to turn out as one in the death-defying battle with the enemies and to achieve finalizing victory in the great reunification war. This will is true to Kim Jong-un’s important decision.

In its previous statement, KPA Supreme Command solemnly declared at home and abroad the people’s will to take decisive military counteraction to defend sovereignty. KPA Supreme Command also declared the people’s will to defend the dignity of supreme leadership with regard to extreme south Korean puppet and U.S. provocations.

Not content after repeated warnings to disallow successive B-52s sorties in south Korean skies, the United States deployed other ultra-modern strategic strike forces, such as B-2A stealth strategic bombers, to south Korea. These bombing drills targeted the DPRK. This is an unpardonable, heinous provocation; and an open challenge.

Taking advantage of the reckless U.S. nuclear campaign against the DPRK, south Korean puppets vociferated about the terms “pre-emptive attack,” “strong counteraction” and even “strikes[s] at the commanding forces,” subsequently revealing the attempt to destroy monuments to the dignity of DPRK supreme leadership.

This clearly shows that U.S. brigandish ambition for aggression and the puppets’ attempt to invade the DPRK have gone beyond the limit, and that — after visiting a phase of threat and blackmail — threats have entered the reckless phase of an actual war.

Moreover the prevailing, grim situation clearly justifies the KPA Supreme Command in deciding to settle accounts with the U.S. imperialists and south Korean puppets by dint of the arms of Songun. A time when words could work has passed.

Now they are openly claiming that B-2As’ nuclear drills were “not to irritate the north” but “defensive.” Additionally, the United States says the drills are “to defend the interests of its ally.” However this lame pretext covers up aggression; evades denunciation at home, abroad; and attempts escape from DPRK retaliatory blows.

The era when the United States resorted to the policy of strength by brandishing nuclear weapons has gone.

The DPRK’s resolute answer and steadfast stand is to counter U.S. imperialists’ blackmail of aggressive, merciless nuclear attack with just, all-out war.

The imperialists should clearly know that in the era of Marshal Kim Jong-un, the greatest-ever commander, all things are different than in the past.

The hostile forces will realize clearly the iron will, matchless grit and extraordinary mettle of the brilliant commander of Mt. Paektu insofar as, without Songun Korea, the earth cannot exist.

The time has come to stage a do-or-die final battle.

The government, political parties and organizations of the DPRK solemnly declare as follows, reflecting upon Kim Jong-un’s final decision at the KPA Supreme Command operation meeting and the unanimous will of the DPRK’s people. The people await this final order from Kim:

(1) From this moment, north-south relations will be put at the state of war, and all issues arousing tensions between the north and the south will be dealt with according to wartime regulations.

The neither-peace-nor-war state has ended on the Korean Peninsula.

Now that the revolutionary armed forces of the DPRK have entered into actual military action, inter-Korean relations have naturally entered the state of war. Accordingly, without warning, the DPRK will now punish with resolute and merciless physical action the slightest provocation against dignity and sovereignty.

(2) If the United States and the south Korean puppet group provoke war against the DPRK in any area, including the West Sea of Korea’s five islands or in the area along the Military Demarcation Line, theirs will not be a local war but will develop into an all-out war: a nuclear war.

It is self-evident that any Korean Peninsula military conflict is bound to lead to nuclear war, now that even U.S. nuclear strategic bombers in the Korean mainland and Pacific military bases — Hawaii and Guamare — are flying into south Korean skies to participate in madcap, DPRK-targeting nuclear moves.

The first strike of the DPRK’s revolutionary armed forces is to blow up aggressive U.S. bases in mainland Korea and Pacific operational theatres, including Hawaii and Guam; but additionally, to reduce U.S. military bases in south Korea. Included in the first strike is the puppets’ ruling institutions (such as Chongwadae), as well as the imperative to reduce to ashes the puppet army — to say nothing of the aggressors and the provokers.

(3) The DPRK will never miss the golden chance to win a final victory in the great war for national reunification.

This war will not be a three-day but a blitz war through which the KPA will occupy all areas of south Korea — including Jeju Island at one strike, not giving the U.S. and puppet warmongers time to come to their senses — and a three-dimensional war to be fought at air, land, sea, on the front line and in the rear.

This sacred war of justice will be a nationwide, all-people resistance involving all Koreans in the north, the south and overseas. Traitors to the nation — including heinous confrontation maniacs, warmongers and human scum — will be swept away mercilessly.

No force on earth can break the people’s all-out will to overpower in the just, great national Korean reunification war.

Holding in high esteem the peerlessly great men of Mt. Paektu, the Korean people will give vent to the pent-up grudge and realize their cherished desire; thusly bringing the bright day of national reunification and without fail building the best power on this land.