The Zune Reset Management Tool has been wiped from Microsoft Servers because hackers used it to subvert Digital Rights Management (DRM) built into its devices. DRM is known by libertarian software activists as “defective by design” because Zune software removes tracks without alerting the user.
This Reset Tool was the last recourse for struggling people who owned files which had not been purchased and certified by Microsoft and their menacing Copyright overlords paying them off to code this living hell.
Now forced up against a wall and facing a prison-house of incomplete audio lectures and novels, Zune owners gnash their teeth and beat their breasts as they are denied their own files with purposefully defective software lorded over the great media serfdoms. It didn’t used to be this way, kids. Back in my day, even Microsoft made media players and not media empires. Well, them days are long gone, but some folks out there still make media players that actually work, and if’n they cain’t get their tracks to play in order at least they’re all still there and not stolen from ye by hidden software hegemons acting like computer glitches to drive you into a rage which is the penalty for your non-compliance with their evil and insane wish for total power over your every scrap of media.
Lebal Drocer’s new Media player from Your Anonymous Industries features a small color OLED display and easily-locked buttons that don’t go off with the slightest feather-like touch — and if they do it features a NEW undo button! It’ll play any goddamn file because to hell with paying off the dicks who want royalties for file conventions. We’re an open source tool for educational use only!
“When you open your mind you allow demons to take over.”
INTERNET — The April and Wayne Show has revealed the true meaning behind Rihanna’s hit pop song Diamonds, which draws heavily on biblical imagery and is indicating the path to Buddha-Consciousness with the lyrics like, “Shine bright like a diamond,” and “I knew that we would become one right away.” April and Wayne have strained to translate this Rihanna song into eastern religion because, it seems, more and more young people are becoming Buddhists and leaving their churches behind. Rihanna is only invoked to reach out to a young audience of YouTubers who accidentally click on the video hoping for music, but what they find is creepy bass strings interposed with Rihanna’s pop backing a fast-pace authoritarian voice rattling off proof that Buddha-Consciousness is, in fact, Lucifer-Consciousness. “Meditation is also emptying your mind,” and according to the video, “When you open your mind you allow demons to take over.”
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador Rinpochet, a living reincarnation of the Padmasambhava, said, “This video did not offend me at all, and if people are afraid of demons then they probably should not meditate.”
Jevohan D. Barnes, rap artist, fights to uphold the good name of the Illuminati in the hip-hop world.
Continued interaction with aspiring hip-hop talent on Twitter reveals two camps: Pro-Illuminati and Anti-Illuminati. In hip-hop mythology the Illuminati not only control the levers of global power, but also and most importantly manage the rise and fall of famous artists. The Anti-Illuminati seem to espouse a wider range of viewpoints than the Pro-Illuminati, whose tweets are often mystical and heavily influenced by eastern spiritual traditions. One Pro-Illuminati rapper known as Jevohan D. Barnes posted a video of an ecstatic peak experience which was triggered by sight of a near hashtag formed by chemtrails a day after a much better “tic tac toe.” Anti-Illuminati artists, on the other hand, are as often xenophobic as transcendent, but it is among this camp where the most expressive social criticism and self-reliant gangsterisms are to be found in the vein of rap legend Tupac’s “Killuminati” and “Makaveli” albums.
“Do you know what’s going on in our country?” asked 20-year-old fagatronic nimrod Dale Shelton of Roanoke, Va.
Shelton said he is fed up with the direction American politics are heading. He said the decisions being made at the top affect everyone, including children.
“They’re raping our rights,” Shelton said, “like we raped the lands of the Native American Indian Redskin Savages.”
Shelton was later discovered to be a rapist with no actual opinions about anything.
Fans mourn the loss of Chumlee Russell who died Monday evening of a marijuana overdose.
LAS VEGAS — In what may come to be a medical landmark, “Chumlee” Russell of Pawn Stars fame died from a marijuana overdose Monday night and was found by friend “Big Hoss” Harrison on Tuesday morning. Earlier this year, “Chumlee” was arrested with seven pounds of marijuana which he asserted was all for personal use.
According to Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, “The only possible way he could have died from a marijuana overdose without first clogging his lungs with soot is through the use of vaporizers. Reportedly, Chumlee had rigged up to 90 vaporizers into one tube and had a team of groupies constantly loading them up with the stickiest and most potent of marijuana available on the market.”
Fans and family mourn the loss of “Chumlee” and have taken the opportunity to speak out against drug abuse. “To die like that, it’s just a shame,” said Rick Harrison, manager of the world famous Gold and Silver Pawn Shop, as he teared up, “It’s just a shame to lose such a fun guy as Chum. Rest in peace, buddy.”
An enraged employee of the Associated Press tweeted support for Anonymous.
INTERNET — News broke Friday that the government had wiretapped and extensively spied on the Associated Press for reporting on terrorist activities. This was quickly followed by a now-deleted tweet in support of the shadowy collective of hackers known as Anonymous.
A spokesperson for the AP refused to comment, leading some to speculate the tweet was the result of hackers from Anonymous. Others believe this was possibly a false flag attack from the CIA aimed at discrediting the AP.
The New Google will be able to predict search terms based on information from decades of “datamining.”
INTERNET — Google insiders have leaked that the fundamental Algorithm, which guides all of their services, is going to be completely replaced with a new, hyper-efficient version called New Google. No longer will users be burdened with typing the first letter of their search terms, New Google will extrapolate searches based on past patterns.
New Google, as it has been dubbed, was so powerful some beta users suffered seizures after being instantly satiated and then flooded with a stream of information which was “far too rich and rapid,” according to New Google engineer Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador. “But we toned down the information depth, cut back the pace. It’s much safer now.”
One beta tester reportedly fell into a celebrity death-hoax loop which ended in New Google feeding the subject a stream of nothing but articles from the Internet Chronicle. He left the computer shaking uncontrollably, but these adverse psychological symptoms were treated successfully with valium. The algorithm has since been altered, but Dr. Troubador warned that New Google should only be used with great care. “The tools of the gods are now in the hands of mere apes, or perhaps more accurately the apes have found new gods which are more powerful than ever before.”
Jodi Arias was found dead in her prison cell from self-inflicted asphyxiation.
PHOENIX — Jodi Arias was found dead on Friday in her prison cell as she awaited sentencing, amid reports of a strict suicide watch. The murderess, who slit the throat of her boyfriend, shot him in the head, and then stabbed him repeatedly, was found guilty of first-degree murder Wednesday after testifying that the killing had been done in self-defense.
Despite the watch, investigators believe she quietly hung herself using hair-extensions smuggled into prison. Her death and subsequent escape from justice has triggered outrage among family members of her boyfriend, Travis Alexander. “We wanted her dead, but we’ve been robbed of the pleasure of watching a lethal injection on closed-circuit television,” said a relative of Alexander’s who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s an affront to justice, and now my family will never be satisfied.”
INTERNET — The State Department Office of Defense Trade Controls Compliance has forced Cody Wilson to “pull” downloadable designs for the world’s first plastic .22 caliber pistol, which was manufactured on a 3d printing machine that recently became available at local office supply stores near you.
Wilson’s designs are now downloadable on MegaUpload, the multi-billion dollar corporate copyright infringement empire built by Kim Dotcom, a Kingpin-style cyber-supervillain who also held the first place score in Call of Duty, the world’s most popular shoot ‘em up video game. Despite pleas from Wilson Dotcom will not take the plans down.
Larry Holler, a 3d printing enthusiast and ancient weapons expert, was recently ordered to take down designs of an Atlatl, or spear-throwing device, by the State Department. Because Holler posted these files on The Pirate Bay they are now shared from the hard drives of millions of internet users, and he has since been taken into FBI custody at gunpoint for not complying with government regulations.
Hackers recently jailbroke Google Glass, and government agencies are now cracking down on forums which distribute military grade targeting apps. The inconspicuous “glasses” hide a high definition camera which, with the help of these now-illegal apps, can be used to locate anthropomorphic objects and alert the user to other threats.
Meanwhile, the black market for weapons and ammunition has exploded with the new-found legitimacy of digital cryptocurrencies like BitCoin, which allow internet users to make anonymous purchases. As it turns out, government internet control is now permanently and inextricably sutured to gun control and these never-ending school tragedies.
Kim Dotcom has faced illegal surveillance by the New Zealand government and now faces extradition to the United States. (Photo: Wikipedia)
Eccentric German-Finnish billionaire Kim Dotcom and his attorneys fired back at federal prosecutors Wednesday by accusing them, alongside other domestic authorities, of conspiracy to “deprive defendants of their presumption of innocence.” Dotcom is currently fighting attempts to extradite him from his haven in New Zealand, where he has faced illegal surveillance from that government, in addition to the charges of mass copyright violation that motivated the surveillance. According to his indictment by the United States last year, Dotcom’s former media-sharing website Megaupload was at some points responsible for 4 percent of all Internet traffic.
Dotcom’s lawyers wrote Wednesday, “[T]he outside motivating factor in this case stems from Motion Picture Association of America’s (erroneous) view of Megaupload as “the very top of the piracy pyramid,” coupled with the current Administration’s desire to placate an association whose members, as a group, are some of the Democratic Party’s strongest political supporters and most generous campaign contributors.”
A leading watchdog group named Renzi, above, as one of the top 20 most corrupt congressmen for three straight years. (Photo: Wikipedia)
Opening arguments in the Tucson trial of former Arizona Representative Rick Renzi (R-AZ) began Wednesday with federal prosecution characterizing Renzi as having engaged in “lying and stealing … taking advantage of people” and having “sold out his office.” Meanwhile Renzi counsel Kelly Kramer contended that his client “didn’t extort anybody … solicit any bribes” or “defraud anyone.” Charged with 32 counts of conspiracy, fraud and extortion, if convicted the three-term former congressman from Arizona’s 1st District could face up to 400 years of prison.
Dennis Wagner writes at The Arizona Republic:
In 2005 Resolution Copper Mining wanted surface rights to an ore-laden national forest area near [the town of] Superior. Another investment group involving former Gov. Bruce Babbitt [(D)] was seeking to trade private conservation land for potential development properties owned by the government near Phoenix.
In response to their request, Renzi allegedly replied, “No Sandlin land, no deal.”
“That’s extortion,” said Justice Department attorney David Harbach Wednesday.
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