Dear Michael Phelps,
How are you? I hope you are not feeling very well. Yesterday, USA Swimming decided to cut your monthly stipend of $1,750 because when someone offered you an illicit narcotic scheduled with Heroin, you said “yes” to evil and “no” to everyone who had ever looked up to you. Ever since last summer, I wanted to be a professional swimmer like you and even break your record. But now my dreams are crushed. Now, when my Mom tells me not to hang out with the bad older kids (and the younger Rasta kids) that smoke marijuana, I just get confused, stare blankly and defiantly into space, and refrain, “But Michael Phelps did it!” My sense of values is all fucked up!
This morning, when I awoke, I saw your picture on my Corn Flakes box, your smiling face sitting on the surface of the water. I can’t tell you how heartbroken I was, my delicate childhood dreams crushed and laying in a million pieces. Just as I looked up to Kellogg’s wholesome brand of nutritional family foods that fortify the body and the mind, I looked up to you. Now, by cutting you at the end of this month from their lucrative sponsorship deal, it all makes sense now when my D.A.R.E. instructor links your smoking marijuana at a college party to double or even triple homicides down the road.
What you’ve been doing, Michael, is like running down the side of the pool. And look what happened to you! You fell on your butt and into the deep end, that money flowing off of you into the air like smoke, poisonous smoke.
In the lower right of that photograph of you taking drugs, I saw a bottle of Bud Light. That’s what Daddy drinks when I cry. Now, I’m crying, too, because Daddy drinks weren’t enough. If I was 23, I would take advantage of all the privileges that I got like drinking adult drinks.
You suck, Michael. My dreams are crushed. The video game machine said that winners don’t use drugs, and you better believe you’ll never be a winner again.
Editor’s note: Thanks for the letter, Jimmy. All of this makes me wonder what Michael Phelps was doing drinking Bud Light in the first place. Even if he hadn’t been smoking weed, inevitably, some corporate sponsor was going to come down on that unhealthy consumption of empty calories. Or not.